Killing in the name of.
Title: Killing in the Name of
Author: lemmings_
Words: 923
Challenge: Ways to Die
Pairings: John/Ronon John/McKay John/Elizabeth
Category: Humor (slightly cracky)
Rating: PG (just to be safe)
Disclaimers: I do not own any of these characters but I love them. Title is taken from the Rage Against the Machine song of the same name. Writing style inspiration was taken from the book “Wendal, His Cat and the Progress of Man”.
Summary: The team through the eyes of a bystander, character death.
Warnings: Not beta-ed, sorry. If the characters seem out of character it is intentional, it will be clear at the end and I will write a little note explaining what I was trying to do!
Spoilers: Let’s just say till the end of season 3
“Blah blah blah fools! Blablablablah I am a genius! Blah bla Nobel Prize.”
Radek twisted his fork in his cold pasta, head held upright only by the hand firmly pressed into the side of his cheek. Rodney truly loved the sound of his own voice.
“What are you eating?” Anything was better than having McKay go on a minute longer about how his brilliance was surrounded by incompetence.
“Ronon”, he paused for effect, “baked me a cake.”
Radek could barely open his mouth before he heard John Sheppard bellow, “Ronon did what? Ronon does not bake cake! Ronon is tough and angry and stomps around a lot and kills people just by looking at them!”
McKay looked smug. “Well Sheppy boy, he baked ME cake.”
“Ronon does NOT bake cake Rodney!” John screamed again.
“I think someone is a little jealous”, Rodney’s eyes twinkled.
“Why would he bake YOU cake?!?!” John was struggling to keep his voice from crackling, “He’s my best friend.”
Rodney stood up, sent his chair flying backwards and slammed a hand on the table. “Ronon and I are like THIS”, he indicated his two tightly crossed fingers, “he and I share a special bond”.
John dissolved into tears. “Teyla, why didn’t Ronon bake ME cake? I’m the dashing and bold one! I’m the hero, the looker, the one who’s unbelievable in bed! I hate you Rodney!”
“No you don’t”, McKay sat back down with a smile, hands behind his head, slouching. “You WANT me.”
Radek sighed heavily.
John’s voice adopted its usual shrill pitch when confronted with a truth that he did not want to admit. “I don’t!” he shrieked, “I don’t want you! I just want your cake!”
Rodney’s eyes narrowed, “Oh, this cake?” he indicated the slab on the plate in front of him. In one swift motion he crammed the slice into his mouth, chewing fast and grinning manically.
John was just about to launch into another emotional assault when McKay’s facial expression changed. He spat out what little was left of the cake and started to flail wildly.
“Oh God. Oh god oh god oh god”, he flapped, “I think that had citrus in it! I’m, I’m going to die!!!”
John puffed out his chest and placed his hands on his hips. “I’ll save you!” he bellowed in his best manly voice, “For I am stoic and heroic and loved by all!”
He leapt over to Rodney, who was now choking with fear, and began thumping him on the back.
*cough* “Not helping” *cough*
“What do you mean NOT HELPING?!” John’s hands shot back to his hips, “Here I am trying to save your life and you say I’m not helping!”
Teyla put a comforting arm around John as he dissolved into tears yet again.
Elizabeth skidded to a halt beside them. “What’s going on? I got here as soon as I could. I have many pressing issues.”
“Rodney’s gone and eaten citrus and he’s dying and he doesn’t even care that he’s leaving me!” John wailed, “He even said that I wasn’t helping when I clearly was.”
Rodney fell to the floor with a sickening thud, gasping for air, and began violently convulsing.
“You’re going about this all the wrong way”, Elizabeth said calmly, “you just need to talk about it.”
“Help me”, Rodney choked out.
“See!” John shrieked, “It’s always about him. It’s ‘me, me, me’. He doesn’t care what happens to poor John Sheppard, he won’t even acknowledge the love we share!”
“And how does that make you feel?” Elizabeth inquired.
“Worthless, hurt, angry. I just want to love him Elizabeth, is that so much to ask?” Elizabeth put her arm around her sobbing friend, secretly wishing he loved her as much as he loved the angry Canadian twitching by her feet. “I mean, here I am pouring my heart out and all he can do is convulse on the floor! He wants all the attention! And it’s not MY fault he’s dying. I wasn’t the one who put citrus in his cake because I know he’s allergic. This is all Ronon’s fault!”
Everyone’s gaze, except Rodney’s of course, fell on Ronon who had recently approached the scene.
“What do you have to say for yourself?” Elizabeth asked.
“Grunt.”
“You son-of-a…” Sheppard jumped onto Ronon, punching and kicking furiously before gazing longingly into his eyes and kissing him passionately.
Radek rolled his eyes.
“Why didn’t you bake me cake?” John managed between snuffles.
“Grunt grunt."
"You did that for me? Because you didn't like the way he was treating me?"
"Grunt."
“Oh Ronon!” Sheppard jumped into Ronon’s manly arms, “You’re so strong and brave and handsome.”
McKay had stopped convulsing and now lay quite still on the mess hall floor.
“He is dead”, Teyla informed.
*
The rapid snapping of fingers in his face woke Radek abruptly.
“Zelenka!” Rodney bellowed, “Have you heard anything I’ve said?”
Radek tried to blink the sleep from his eyes and uttered a feeble “mmmhhhuuummm.”
“Oh, you know what? FINE. Leave everything to brilliant Rodney McKay. He’ll save your collective arses. It’s not like he has anything better to do! I’ll have you know I could be re-inventing the laws of physics! I could be winning the Nobel Prize. I could…” his voice was lost as he left the room.
Radek straightened his glasses and swept up his pile of notes. He’d have to follow that genius of a pain in the arse out the door, even though he’d like nothing better than to take a 9 iron to his head. He sighed. At least he could kill his work colleagues in his head.
Notes: I decided to use all of the stereotypes that my friends and I have come up with about the characters on Stargate Atlantis. In Radek’s head I decided that they would all be screwed as to what he thinks their defining trait is. With Rodney it’s simple, he’s a self-obsessed genius but everyone truly does love his brilliance, so clearly Radek would want to kill him off in some hilarious manner. One of my friends has a copy of Duet in audio format and we were talking about how high John’s voice actually is, so John became this over emotional hero who has a hero complex and needs to save everyone but also thinks that everyone should love him and whinges a lot. Ronon was commented on as a character that merely grunts! Elizabeth wants to TALK about everything and Teyla is the Captain Obvious character who spells things out for the audience by stating… well the obvious. As far as the pairings go a lot of people find Sheppard and McKay the perfect example of writers WRTING slash into the show, but more recently I have discovered a lot of people who think there is tension between Ronon and Sheppard which is quite amusing as Sheppard becomes mush in his presence. Elizabeth pines over Sheppard but ultimately never does anything about it. None of these opinions about the characters are necessarily my own, I just thought it would be interesting to take a bunch of ideal type prejudices and have some fun with them.
Author: lemmings_
Words: 923
Challenge: Ways to Die
Pairings: John/Ronon John/McKay John/Elizabeth
Category: Humor (slightly cracky)
Rating: PG (just to be safe)
Disclaimers: I do not own any of these characters but I love them. Title is taken from the Rage Against the Machine song of the same name. Writing style inspiration was taken from the book “Wendal, His Cat and the Progress of Man”.
Summary: The team through the eyes of a bystander, character death.
Warnings: Not beta-ed, sorry. If the characters seem out of character it is intentional, it will be clear at the end and I will write a little note explaining what I was trying to do!
Spoilers: Let’s just say till the end of season 3
“Blah blah blah fools! Blablablablah I am a genius! Blah bla Nobel Prize.”
Radek twisted his fork in his cold pasta, head held upright only by the hand firmly pressed into the side of his cheek. Rodney truly loved the sound of his own voice.
“What are you eating?” Anything was better than having McKay go on a minute longer about how his brilliance was surrounded by incompetence.
“Ronon”, he paused for effect, “baked me a cake.”
Radek could barely open his mouth before he heard John Sheppard bellow, “Ronon did what? Ronon does not bake cake! Ronon is tough and angry and stomps around a lot and kills people just by looking at them!”
McKay looked smug. “Well Sheppy boy, he baked ME cake.”
“Ronon does NOT bake cake Rodney!” John screamed again.
“I think someone is a little jealous”, Rodney’s eyes twinkled.
“Why would he bake YOU cake?!?!” John was struggling to keep his voice from crackling, “He’s my best friend.”
Rodney stood up, sent his chair flying backwards and slammed a hand on the table. “Ronon and I are like THIS”, he indicated his two tightly crossed fingers, “he and I share a special bond”.
John dissolved into tears. “Teyla, why didn’t Ronon bake ME cake? I’m the dashing and bold one! I’m the hero, the looker, the one who’s unbelievable in bed! I hate you Rodney!”
“No you don’t”, McKay sat back down with a smile, hands behind his head, slouching. “You WANT me.”
Radek sighed heavily.
John’s voice adopted its usual shrill pitch when confronted with a truth that he did not want to admit. “I don’t!” he shrieked, “I don’t want you! I just want your cake!”
Rodney’s eyes narrowed, “Oh, this cake?” he indicated the slab on the plate in front of him. In one swift motion he crammed the slice into his mouth, chewing fast and grinning manically.
John was just about to launch into another emotional assault when McKay’s facial expression changed. He spat out what little was left of the cake and started to flail wildly.
“Oh God. Oh god oh god oh god”, he flapped, “I think that had citrus in it! I’m, I’m going to die!!!”
John puffed out his chest and placed his hands on his hips. “I’ll save you!” he bellowed in his best manly voice, “For I am stoic and heroic and loved by all!”
He leapt over to Rodney, who was now choking with fear, and began thumping him on the back.
*cough* “Not helping” *cough*
“What do you mean NOT HELPING?!” John’s hands shot back to his hips, “Here I am trying to save your life and you say I’m not helping!”
Teyla put a comforting arm around John as he dissolved into tears yet again.
Elizabeth skidded to a halt beside them. “What’s going on? I got here as soon as I could. I have many pressing issues.”
“Rodney’s gone and eaten citrus and he’s dying and he doesn’t even care that he’s leaving me!” John wailed, “He even said that I wasn’t helping when I clearly was.”
Rodney fell to the floor with a sickening thud, gasping for air, and began violently convulsing.
“You’re going about this all the wrong way”, Elizabeth said calmly, “you just need to talk about it.”
“Help me”, Rodney choked out.
“See!” John shrieked, “It’s always about him. It’s ‘me, me, me’. He doesn’t care what happens to poor John Sheppard, he won’t even acknowledge the love we share!”
“And how does that make you feel?” Elizabeth inquired.
“Worthless, hurt, angry. I just want to love him Elizabeth, is that so much to ask?” Elizabeth put her arm around her sobbing friend, secretly wishing he loved her as much as he loved the angry Canadian twitching by her feet. “I mean, here I am pouring my heart out and all he can do is convulse on the floor! He wants all the attention! And it’s not MY fault he’s dying. I wasn’t the one who put citrus in his cake because I know he’s allergic. This is all Ronon’s fault!”
Everyone’s gaze, except Rodney’s of course, fell on Ronon who had recently approached the scene.
“What do you have to say for yourself?” Elizabeth asked.
“Grunt.”
“You son-of-a…” Sheppard jumped onto Ronon, punching and kicking furiously before gazing longingly into his eyes and kissing him passionately.
Radek rolled his eyes.
“Why didn’t you bake me cake?” John managed between snuffles.
“Grunt grunt."
"You did that for me? Because you didn't like the way he was treating me?"
"Grunt."
“Oh Ronon!” Sheppard jumped into Ronon’s manly arms, “You’re so strong and brave and handsome.”
McKay had stopped convulsing and now lay quite still on the mess hall floor.
“He is dead”, Teyla informed.
*
The rapid snapping of fingers in his face woke Radek abruptly.
“Zelenka!” Rodney bellowed, “Have you heard anything I’ve said?”
Radek tried to blink the sleep from his eyes and uttered a feeble “mmmhhhuuummm.”
“Oh, you know what? FINE. Leave everything to brilliant Rodney McKay. He’ll save your collective arses. It’s not like he has anything better to do! I’ll have you know I could be re-inventing the laws of physics! I could be winning the Nobel Prize. I could…” his voice was lost as he left the room.
Radek straightened his glasses and swept up his pile of notes. He’d have to follow that genius of a pain in the arse out the door, even though he’d like nothing better than to take a 9 iron to his head. He sighed. At least he could kill his work colleagues in his head.
Notes: I decided to use all of the stereotypes that my friends and I have come up with about the characters on Stargate Atlantis. In Radek’s head I decided that they would all be screwed as to what he thinks their defining trait is. With Rodney it’s simple, he’s a self-obsessed genius but everyone truly does love his brilliance, so clearly Radek would want to kill him off in some hilarious manner. One of my friends has a copy of Duet in audio format and we were talking about how high John’s voice actually is, so John became this over emotional hero who has a hero complex and needs to save everyone but also thinks that everyone should love him and whinges a lot. Ronon was commented on as a character that merely grunts! Elizabeth wants to TALK about everything and Teyla is the Captain Obvious character who spells things out for the audience by stating… well the obvious. As far as the pairings go a lot of people find Sheppard and McKay the perfect example of writers WRTING slash into the show, but more recently I have discovered a lot of people who think there is tension between Ronon and Sheppard which is quite amusing as Sheppard becomes mush in his presence. Elizabeth pines over Sheppard but ultimately never does anything about it. None of these opinions about the characters are necessarily my own, I just thought it would be interesting to take a bunch of ideal type prejudices and have some fun with them.