It's a Small Universe After All by likethervier (Strange New Worlds and Alien Geographies)
Title: It's a Small Universe After All
Author: liketheriver
Category: Gen. pure silliness. Written for the Strange New Worlds and Alien Geographies challenge.
Word Count: ~3,400
Rating: T
Characters: Ronon and the team
Warnings: None
Spoilers: Anything up through Season 3 is fair game, but really nothing is spoiled.
A/N: Special thanks as always to Koschka for the quick beta. No Disney characters were harmed in the writing of this fic.
Summary: One man's alien world is another's vacation destination.
It’s a Small Universe After All
by liketheriver
Ronon had known this trip would be a huge mistake from the moment it was first conceived. For one thing, any mission that had McKay so excited was bound to end in disaster. All it took to prove that point was a survey of the Pegasus Galaxy to see that it was one solar system short, not to mention his pair of water-logged leather pants that had shrunk two sizes as a result of a Wraith Queen that had overtaken Teyla and tried to kill them all on the geothermal station at the bottom of the ocean. But then Sheppard had started getting excited about the excursion, too, grinning giddily whenever the dinner conversation turned to talk of mountains and strange lands and things the pilot had never been allowed to do as a child. So, Ronon had started thinking it might not be so bad. Especially when Teyla had smiled and confessed that she had not seen John so boyishly enthusiastic about an undertaking since they had just arrived in Atlantis and he had pushed Rodney off a balcony while the scientist wore a personal shield. And the thought that maybe he would get to push McKay off an elevated platform during this adventure had Ronon actually looking forward to the trip a little himself.
But Teyla wasn’t smiling anymore. In fact, she was doing anything but as the two of them sat in the office with the security guards, her ceremonial headdress resting in clenched hands on her lap. At least she had managed to contact Sheppard on her communications device and he had promised to fix everything before they were brought to this small room with the guards that he could overtake without difficulty with one hand tied behind his back. Yes, he could easily take the statue of their religious leader that sat on the desk and beat both men into oblivion. But the way Teyla’s eyes narrowed dangerously when she saw what he was contemplating had him slumping further into his chair and crossing his arms across the soft fabric on the native clothing.
His current dress had been the second sign that things wouldn’t go well. He had been issued clothes so that he would blend in with the locals; garments made from plants instead of his leathers. Clothing that offered almost no protection. And when they had said he couldn’t carry his weapons either (the third clue that this was a bad idea) he had almost refused to go. Stargate Command had rules about remaining inconspicuous, especially on worlds where the inhabitants didn’t know about the stargate and the existence of people inhabiting other planets. Ronon had scoffed at the idea of a world that possessed a stargate and yet the population didn’t know anything about the possibility of gate travel. It was insane to think that something like that existed. Especially considering it was the home of the organization that had made the rules in the first place. But seeing as this was his first trip to Earth beyond the facility buried far beneath its surface, and his entire team was going to this world called Disney with or without him, he figured he should follow the rules, at least to cover their backs since they were wearing the same flimsy clothing as him and going unarmed.
So, he had agreed to go, and the questions that he had asked back on Atlantis about their destination actually had him looking forward to it for a time.
“What do you know about this thing called the Matterhorn?” he had asked Zelenka after McKay had been talking nonstop about its glories to Sheppard at lunch.
“The Matterhorn?” The Czech had pushed his glasses up as he worked on the consol Ronon was holding for him, his question more distracted than curious. “It is a mountain on Earth. In the Alps. Very beautiful.”
“Is it dangerous?”
Radek considered for a second before conceding, “If you cannot ski very well I suppose it could be.”
Ronon wasn’t sure if McKay and Sheppard were adept at this skiing, but the thought that there might be some risk involved was enough to bring a small bit on anticipation to the trip.
But that all changed when he looked upon the strange peak sitting in the middle of the sweltering mass of concrete and people.
“That’s not a real mountain.”
“No, it’s not,” McKay admitted with a look that said he was ready to say something about the Satedan’s intelligence that would earn him a threatening growl from the man.
“Aren’t there any real mountains on Earth?”
“Sure there are,” Sheppard had assured. “Just not in the middle of a swamp in Florida.”
Ronon scowled at the explanation because this wasn’t like any swamp he had seen before. There was a castle sitting dead center in it for one thing, and the vegetation that bordered the asphalt trails was better groomed than he was. It sure didn’t come across as a muddy, creature-infested, bug-filled bog. Although his team leader was acting very much like he had when he’d been overcome by the gases released in the swamp on that one planet where Sheppard had become convinced he was attending his birthday party and it would be rude to leave all his guests… which appeared to be large slime-coated fungus lining the fetid waters. They had only been able to lure him back to the gate when McKay promised there was a stripper and a piñata waiting for him in the conference room.
“Then why do you have to make your own mountains?” Ronon demanded suspiciously.
“It’s a prop, Big Guy,” Sheppard tried to reason. “You know, to set the mood for the ride.”
“So, you actually believe that’s real snow on the top?” Because if they did, Ronon wasn’t sure he’d ever trust either man to make a decision in the field again.
“Of course not.” McKay shook his head in exasperation. “It’s just for fun. Christ, are we going to stand here trying to explain cheesy decorations or are we going to get in line and ride the damn thing?”
Lines- they were everywhere. Even when they had arrived in the transportation vehicle known as a convertible, a transport Sheppard piloted through the streets as if he were still in command of a Jumper and he could achieve the same speeds here on land, there had been lines just to park the craft. And the people… there were more people in the area known as the parking lot alone than there were in all of Sateda when it was flourishing. Way too many to keep an eye on, that was for sure. And the lack of weapons (except for a few choice knives he had hidden away) made him feel incredibly vulnerable to attack.
Sheppard and McKay, however, didn’t seem the least bit concerned by them, and Teyla seemed to be taking her cues from them, so that he was the only one who surveyed the crowds nonstop. In fact, Teyla had quickly fallen into the ways of this place. And that went a long way in convincing him that this Disney World was actually the sanctuary of a mind-controlling Earth cult.
Everywhere he looked, there were the signs of their icon, Mickey Mouse… in the shrubbery, the food, the shops, the trash receptacles, the clothing, the flags, everywhere. As best he could tell, he was the god worshipped by those that made the pilgrimage to this place. And Ronon had never known that McKay was such a religious man that he would attempt to convert the members of his team to the belief that this was the happiest place on Earth. The thought of McKay and happy in the same sentence was just one more reason for the alarm bells to be ringing in his head. It was also why he refused to drink any of the beverages that were being served in cups that resembled this mouse-god or eat the ice cream shaped like the deity, seeing as the scientist and the others just became more zealous about this place every time they did.
But this sect didn’t just use the food to drug their followers into a state of blissful servitude. Ronon was convinced subtle messages were being given to them through the music that seemed to be piped into the facilities around them and that it was causing a brainwashing all its own. How else could one explain why he couldn’t stop singing It’s a Small World under his breath even as he sat in the security office?
That particular exposure he would blame on Teyla. Even Sheppard and McKay wouldn’t partake in that ride, claiming they would go pick up some line passes for Space Mountain… yet another fake summit… while Teyla and Ronon went on the ride. Teyla seemed enamored with the young that were everywhere, which just meant the indoctrination started early with this religion, and she wanted to experience the same things that they were. Ronon had protested at first, but when she pushed out her lower lip and tilted her head with the sacred mouse ears she had purchased and had embroidered with her name perched precariously on top, he had found it hard to refuse. Besides, in her compromised state fully under the influence of this organization, it was best she wasn’t left alone.
The tunnel had at least been cool and dark and he had to admit it was nice to get out of the beating heat and humidity, but the mechanical children in their garish costumes singing nonstop were more than a little disconcerting… not to mention the most annoying experience of his life. What was with this world and their recreation of things that they supposedly had in excess? Sheppard claimed they had plenty of real mountains, and you couldn’t take a step in this place without fear of squashing a child underfoot. And yet, the Disneys felt the need to fabricate more of both for their diabolical plan of world domination. If not for fear that they would spread their message of joy through mass marketing and rotating mechanisms throughout the galaxy, Ronon would have suggested they open a branch in Pegasus. The Wraith wouldn’t stand a chance against an army of children wearing mouse ears and wielding spinning lights with a partially clothed duck on top.
But the singing robot kids had evidently been enough to tip Ronon over the edge, so that when Teyla had pushed the camera she carried at him and told him to photograph her as she stood next to an oversized animal with long droopy ears, a hat, and a large snout with square teeth protruding, he had called for her to stop. When she didn’t, instead darting to the creature’s side only to be assaulted as it wrapped it massive, white-gloved hands around her, Ronon hadn’t hesitated to act.
He had dove through the air and tackled the assailant. The video tape provided by the family from a place called Chicago, the one security was calling evidence, showed that his form was a little sloppy (probably due to the mind numbing song that was still rolling through his brain) but it had been effective. As had the knife he pulled from his hair (and seeing as they had had to slow the video down to creep by on the screen one frame at a time in order to even see where the blade had come from, he was quite pleased with his concealing job). He had used the blade to slice through the culprits disguise and reveal a wide-eyed teenage boy within begging him to please not kill him. That had caught him off guard and it had been enough for Teyla to grab his arm and yell at him to stop. It had also evidently been enough time for the young woman accompanying the giant creature to call for security, who quickly had them surrounded with guns pointing, as the small child belonging to the cameraman bawled in his mother’s arms about how the big, hairy man had just gutted Goofy.
That was when Teyla had frantically made a call of her own to Sheppard before she and Ronon were led away to the security office where they currently sat. A knock at the door had Sheppard, with McKay peeking over his shoulder, stepping into the doorway. He barely even acknowledged Ronon and Teyla, speaking to the guard in charge.
“Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, United States Air Force.” His introduction was accompanied by an identification badge. “I believe General O’Neill’s office called you.”
“He’s Air Force?” the guard asked in disbelief as he glanced over at Ronon.
“No, his assignment goes a lot deeper than that, if you know what I mean.”
The slightly confused expression on the man’s face suggested he had no clue what Sheppard meant, but the conspiratorial tone had him nodding along just the same. “Ooooh, I see. Still, that doesn’t excuse what he did out there. The damage from the knife alone is bad enough, but do you have any idea how much it costs to clean the smell of urine out of one of those costumes?”
“No, no, I know his condition doesn’t excuse what he did,” Sheppard agreed in complete understanding.
“Condition?” the guard asked warily.
“Maybe this will help you understand. This is Dr. Rodney McKay.”
“Doctor?” The guard’s eyebrows rose at the title.
“Yes, he’s been treating Ronon, ever since the… incident.”
“Incident?”
McKay had a rather startled look that rivaled the guard’s, which indicated Sheppard was making this up as he went along and the scientist wasn’t the least bit pleased to be thrown into this whole thing unprepared like he was.
“Uh, y…yes,” the physicist stumbled, “the incident. Very bad and very classified… very, very classified.”
The men continued to talk, using terms like post-traumatic stress disorder and the degradation of his therapeutic medication levels due to dehydration since he refused to drink anything and McKay even suggested low blood sugar due his lack of food.
Ronon took the opportunity to lean over and tell Teyla quietly, “If this distraction works, we’ll make a break for it.”
“No, Ronon, we will not make a break for it,” the Athosian snapped back in a hiss. “There is no need to make a break for it because these people do not pose a threat to us. In fact, the only dangerous person here is you.”
Ronon shook his head. “You’re not thinking straight. You’re under their influence. Once you’ve had a chance for your head to clear, you’ll thank me.”
“Ronon, there is no cult, there is no coercion, there is no monarchy being ruled by a matriarchal hierarchy trying to influence the young girls of this world.”
The Satedan snorted. “You would say that.”
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“If the glass slipper fits…” he shrugged, which just made Teyla glower harder.
“You are delusional, Ronon Dex, and if the SGC does not insist that you undergo a mental and physical evaluation when we return, then I shall.”
“I’ve counted at least seven young female rulers since we’ve been here, one of them evidently part fish. If you don’t think that’s a little odd…”
“It is play, Ronon. Make believe. Fantasy stories so that people can enjoy themselves.”
Dark brown eyes rolled heavenward. “Who has time for that?”
“A people who have never heard of the Wraith or the Asurians. A people who do not even know the threat of the Goa’uld or the Ori in their own galaxy.” Ronon blinked in surprise and Teyla sighed. “A people who a part of me envies for living a life in which they can pretend evil can be banished with a kiss or by magical beings and good will always prevail and there is such a thing as happily ever after.”
“Teyla,” he started awkwardly, “I didn’t realize you felt…”
With a shake of her head, Teyla laid a gentle hand on his arm. “There truly is a type of magic here, Ronon. And, yes, it does make you forget to be on guard and, no, it is not the most practical way to spend a day. But for one day, I do not think it is such a bad thing to forget, to be able to forget. You might come to that conclusion, too, if you will give it a chance.”
Ronon couldn’t remember a time when he’d had a luxury like that. Maybe when he was very, very young, but even then, playtime for a young boy on Sateda was a preparation for his time in the military. And those who chose to stay on and devote their lives to defending Sateda rarely had time for any sort of recreational play that didn’t revolve around battle training. And don’t even get him started on his time running from the Wraith. It was why he couldn’t understand Sheppard’s fascination with golf, or Zelenka’s love for chess, or the way Sheppard and McKay had become so intrigued by their computer game that had ended up being real after all. And it was definitely why he couldn’t comprehend the idea of an entire city-state like Disney being dedicated to nothing but amusement and imagination.
But maybe Teyla was right. Maybe it was time he gave himself the chance to consider that it might be possible just to have fun for the sake of… fun.
“Okay, let’s go,” McKay ordered from Ronon’s shoulder. Sheppard was still talking to the guard with a sincere expression of authority. “And do me a favor and try not to make shish kabobs out of Chip and Dale if we see them. Although you in a sword fight with Jack Sparrow might be kind of interesting.”
Ronon’s only response was a rather embarrassed grumble, but he didn’t argue since this seemed to be the best resolution they could have hoped for when they had first been brought here.
“Once again, we are truly sorry about everything that’s happened,” Sheppard was telling the guard as the rest of his team passed out the door behind him. “And you have my word that you won’t have any more trouble from him on our way out of the park.”
So, they were being kicked out. Well, it wasn’t like he was very surprised by that, but the frowns on both Teyla and McKay’s faces said they weren’t the least bit happy about it. Sheppard followed them out into the hall, closing the door before turning and shaking his head at Ronon.
“Buddy, we need to talk about stress management techniques that don’t involve drawing and quartering cartoon characters.”
“Yeah, about that. I think I might have over reacted a bit.”
“You think?” McKay actually barked a sharp, “Ha! Overreacting was when you took Sheppard and Teyla captive the first time you met them on Planet Skin Cancer. Tackling a kid working a summer job while he’s on break from school when he’s dressed like a giant talking dog goes waaaaaay beyond overreacting.”
Ronon would have been tempted to tackle McKay to the ground and threaten him the three other knives the guards never found if he hadn’t been telling the truth. So he simply hung his head and mumbled, “Can we just get out of here?”
“Yeah,” Sheppard agreed, slapping him on the shoulder “that’s probably for the best. We can just go hang by the pool for the rest of the afternoon. Maybe play a round of golf before dinner.”
Ronon tried not to slump in dismay even more at the suggestion of golf. Penance. That’s what it was. Punishment for his actions today.
But McKay held up four pieces of paper with a grin. “Actually, we have the line passes for Space Mountain. And seeing as we have to walk right by it on our way out of the park…”
Teyla smiled brightly at the suggestion and Sheppard’s eyebrows rose in anticipation. “What do you say, Ronon? Willing to give the Magic Kingdom one last chance?”
Taking Teyla’s mouse ears hat, Ronon placed it on top of her head. “I could use a little magic right about now.”
And when they finished the ride, Ronon was the first to suggest they go again.
The End