FIC: Memento Mimeographa by liketheriver (Doppelganger Challenge)

[liketheriverrun]

Title: Memento Mimeographa
Category: Slash, humor. Doppelganger Challenge
Word Count: ~8700
Rating: T 
Pairings: John and Rodney (gen) and McKay/Sheppard slash... sort of.
Characters: John and Rodney... sort of
Warnings: None
Spoilers: Anything up through The Return Part 2 is fair game.
A/N:  Special thanks to Koschka for the beta and helping me through a few roadblocks along the way.  This fic started out in one direction and kind of ended up somewhere else entirely.  But that's just the way it wanted to be told, so who am I to argue?  But if you think I've lost my mind as a result, you wouldn't be far off.
Summary: Ends up the green scanning beam wasn't an alien answering maching after all.

Memento Mimeographa
by liketheriver

When the green beam ran steadily from the tip of Rodney’s head to the soles of his boots, he’d simply said, “Oh, crap.”

Sheppard stepped forward then, looking over the scientist’s shoulder and demanded, “What the hell was that?”

“I’m not sure,” McKay admitted, “I think it was some sort of scan… maybe.”

“Like Beckett's medical machine on Atlantis?” Ronon asked from his position back near the door of the building.

The large circular room, lined with floor to ceiling light panels covered in frosted glass, was all they had found on the long abandoned planet. The building was definitely the source of the power signature McKay had detected but they had needed to hack through an overgrowth of vines to even get to the entrance. And as far as John or any of the others could tell, the door served as both entrance and exit to the lone structure.

“Possibly.”

The weak answer from the physicist had Sheppard frowning even more and standing between the man and the controls. “McKay, I thought you said you weren’t going to activate the damn thing until you knew what it was.”

“I didn’t! I was just trying to turn it on and the next thing I know…”

“Please state the subject’s name.” Rodney stopped defending his actions and blinked when the synthesized voice spoke from speakers in the ceiling. When he didn’t answer, the voice pleasantly made the request again. “Please state the subject’s name.”

“Dr. Rodney McKay.”

“Doctor Rodney McKay,” the unit mimicked back in his own voice. “Is this correct? Please validate.”

“Yes,” Rodney confirmed and Sheppard pushed the man even further away from the control panel.

“What do you think you’re doing? You have no idea what that thing is planning.”

“Which is why it’s probably a good idea to do what it asks until we do.”

It was then that another beam shot from the machine and ran down the length of John’s body followed by, “Please state the second subject’s name.”

“Son of a bitch!” Sheppard swore before warning, “Teyla, Ronon, stay back.”

There was really no need, as the two had stepped back a few steps so that they actually stood in the open doorway as soon as the second beam had appeared.

“Son of a bitch! Is this correct? Please validate.”

“No,” Rodney corrected around Sheppard, who was blocking the access to the equipment. “Colonel John Sheppard.”

“McKay…” John ground out in warning.

“What? Do you want to be referred to as Sonofa Bitch if this is some sort of security access device that simply wants to know our names for introductory purposes?”

“But there are no life signs here,” John reminded him. “There’s no one to meet.”

“It doesn’t mean this won’t lead to an entrance we can’t detect. It seems pretty unlikely that this would be the only building in what appears to be a very technologically advanced facility.”

“Error detected. Voice pattern for Colonel John Sheppard is the same as for Doctor Rodney McKay. Please have subject repeat name.”

Sheppard looked heavenward and threw his arms wide at the mechanical voice’s observation and Rodney just rolled his hand impatiently. Finally, the colonel stated his name.

“Colonel John Sheppard. Is this correct? Please validate.”

Sheppard sighed before answering, “Yeah, that’s right.”

“Thank you. Please stand by. Scheduling reciept date.”

“So you really think this thing is some sort of automated receptionist?”

Rodney bobbled his head in response to Sheppard’s question. “That or it’s marking us for death.”

“Christ.” John yanked him back by the scruff of his vest just as the voice came again.

“Please return in seventy-three rotational cycles for delivery. And thank you for choosing Morgausians.”

“Seventy-three days?”

Rodney’s unbelieving question had Sheppard observing, “Evidently whoever this Morgausian person we’re supposed to meet is a busy guy.”

“Well, I’m not waiting over ten weeks for someone to check their interplanetary answering machine just to get access to the rest of this facility.” With that, McKay set to finding another way in.

He didn’t succeed.

After a couple of hours, Sheppard finally asked, “Are you really sure there’s even a rest of the facility to access?”

“Of course there’s a rest of the facility. Why else would we need to return in seventy-three days if there isn’t?”

“Perhaps it is just a means of contacting another race who must travel from another world and it will take them that long to reach this location.”

John added his agreement to Teyla’s suggestion. “Yeah, maybe it’s more like a doorbell than a secretary. We buzz them and they eventually come see who’s there… seventy-three days later.”

“The people that built this thing could be long dead.” Ronon hitched his head toward the growth he had cut through over the front door to allow them access to the single-roomed building. “It definitely hasn’t been used in a while.”

“So what? We just leave and come back in a couple of months?”

“Well, you’re not getting anywhere,” Sheppard pointed out. “For all you know, you’re breaking it.”

“I’m not breaking it.”

“Warning: override of segregation protocol imminent. Would you like to continue?”

“That’s the fourth warning of you overriding something in the last hour, McKay. I have no idea what divisionary buffers and segregation protocol are, but they could be kind of important.”

Rodney finally relented after trying for another thirty minutes and overriding two more systems with still not luck. Although only after Sheppard promised they would return on the scheduled date. But thirty-three days later, the Ancients returned to Atlantis and thirty-five days later, the team had been banished from the City. And appointments with unknown alien life forms kind of went out the window at that point.

*              *              *              *

Seventy-three days later….

“System activation in five, four, three, two, one…”

The assembly pods opened with a hiss and the two latest creations of the Morgausian Molecular Reconstruction Corporation stepped from the frosted glass of their production fields.

“Humaniod Duplication Unit, R95X/1-A, Model Colonel John Sheppard, please step forward for final personality download.”

The Unit did as he was directed, waiting for the coils to enter the data processing unit in his head to receive the finishing touch of his fabrication. Giving himself a quick once over, he noted the dark clothes covering his body and fingered the odd mechanism dangling from his vest… weapon, the answer came from his primary base coding… he then glanced over when the voice spoke again.

“Humaniod Duplication Unit, R95X/1-B, Model Doctor Rodney McKay, please step forward for final personality download.”

So there were two of them, the Colonel John Sheppard Unit thought to itself. Seeing as the Doctor Rodney McKay Unit was dressed in a similar fashion, and they both carried the same weapons, he could only assume the two source entities were military and had been sent on a dangerous mission of some sort and were not expected to return. That was usually the reason someone had a duplication unit created… they were dying but didn’t want someone to know it, at least not immediately. Or they were sneaking away and didn’t want anyone to miss them.

When Doctor Rodney McKay was plugged in, the computer spoke again. “Initializing personality data. Warning. Several key systems have been compromised. Potential for persona cross contamination exists. Please abort if you do not wish to continue.”

Looking around, the two Units knew that there should be someone overseeing the final activation. However, there was no one besides the two of them in sight. When no one aborted the download, the voice spoke one last time.

“Personality download proceeding.”

The download only took a few minutes and once complete the Colonel John Sheppard Unit restudied his physical appearance, this time with a more appreciative eye. “Not bad. These guys at least have some pretty decent taste in clothes.”

“Black on black,” the Doctor Rodney McKay Unit observed. “They’re either depressed poets or into covert operations. Hopefully the latter.”

Colonel John Sheppard frowned at the thought. Covert operations sounded… dangerous. And dangerous could get them killed pretty darn fast. And that didn’t exactly sound like something to be hopeful about.

“So how’s your iambic pentameter?”

“Ha, ha. Very funny, Colonel.”

“Why did you call me that?”

The Doctor Rodney McKay Unit rolled his eyes as if he were talking to a newly formatted data storage center. “Because that’s your first name. Colonel. John. Sheppard.” He sectioned each name off with his hands as if they were each in a separate compartment.

Colonel grimaced. “I don’t think I like my first name very much. Can’t I go by my middle name?”

“Who in their fully functioning cortex goes by their middle name? If you should go by your middle name then the parental units of your source entity would have named him John Colonel Sheppard instead. I mean, it’s not like you see me wanting to be called Rodney when Doctor does just fine. In fact, it’s better than fine. It sounds rather distinguished doesn’t it? Doctor McKay.”

“Sure, Rodney, it sounds great,” John Sheppard told him with a roll of his eyes.

The blue eyes narrowed in irritation. “Yes, Colonel, it does.”

“Look, how about we compromise. We just use the last names until our patrons show up and then they can call us what they like.”

“McKay and Sheppard?  That seems a little… informal and a tad disrespectful.”

“I have tons of informal respect for you, McKay.”

“Really? Even though we just met?”

The crossed arm stance McKay took just had Sheppard shrugging. “It must be something inherent in my source entity. Just like calling you McKay seems… right. Why? Don’t you feel the same thing towards me?”

“Actually, I do.” Sitting on the bench along the wall, McKay seemed a little confused. “Which is odd, because I don’t think I normally trust people that easily.”

Sheppard sat beside him. “Huh. You know, I don’t think I do either. Our sources must be pretty close then.”

“Hey!” McKay perked at the thought. “Maybe they’ve had some really exciting adventures together. Lots of death defying feats that they’ve narrowly escaped. That would be awesome!”

“Or maybe they just led a very quiet existence. They could have grown up together or maybe they’re related.”

“Well, that’s no fun. Besides, how many people who lead quiet existences carry so many weapons?”

McKay had a point, which just made Sheppard frown harder. “I guess we’ll find out when our patrons get here.”

But a day later, they were still waiting in the production room. “When, exactly, are our patrons supposed to show up anyway?”

The McKay Unit was pacing restlessly around the room and it was about to drive the Sheppard Unit out of his core processor. “I don’t know, McKay,” he told him as he looked up from where he was stretched out on the bench, “but you walking a hole in the floor isn’t going to make it happen any faster.”

“I’m sorry; I just… the room seems kind of small doesn’t it?”

“Oh, crap, you’re claustrophobic.”

“Well, you can’t deny it would be better to be out there,” he pointed a frantic finger toward the locked door, “than in here.”

He couldn’t actually, but that was against protocol and someone would surely be here soon to let them out. Until then, he just needed to figure out how to keep McKay calm. “Look, you just need to relax.”

“Relax? How am I supposed to do that when we are obviously trapped in this room for all eternity?”

“We’re not trapped for all eternity.”

“Oh, yeah? What if we are? How are we going to get out if they forget to come get us?” Fingers snapped excitedly before Sheppard could answer him. “We’ll shoot our way out! We’ll blast the door open and take out any guards that might be out there and make a break for it!”

When McKay went for his gun, Sheppard stood to stop him. “Hey, whoa. There’s no need to start shooting the place up. And if there was someone out there, don’t you think they would have let us out by now, or at least checked on us?”

Sheppard thought for a moment then pushed McKay toward the bench. “Listen to me; we just need to give them a little more time. I’m sure someone will be here soon. Until then, you just need to concentrate on something else. Visualize something that isn’t so confining.”

McKay sat but that didn’t stop him from arguing. “I still think we should shoot our way out.”

“Guns aren’t the answer to everything, McKay.”

Blue eyes blinked as if Sheppard had just told him air wasn’t necessary for breathing… which it wasn’t for them but no use arguing semantics. “What the hell is wrong with you, Sheppard? Are your data processors not all firing in sequence?”

“Just try this and if it doesn’t work and no one comes by tomorrow, you can shoot the door all you want.” When he received a brisk nod of agreement, Sheppard directed, “Now, just close your eyes and picture a vast opening. You can stretch your arms wide and feel the air moving around you, under you, above you. And there is nothing for as far as you can see in any direction.”

McKay’s eyes flew open. “I’m just in free fall?”

“No! You’re flying.”

“Flying? Why in the world would you think of something like that?”

“I dreamed about it last night during stasis,” Sheppard defended. “I just assumed that it must be some sort of ability this species has. Why? Didn’t you dream about it?”

“No, I dreamt about women.”

“Women?”

“Yeah, lots of women.” McKay gave a waggle of eyebrows accompanied by a lazy smile. “And maybe a few guys.”

“Oh, hell.” Sheppard stood abruptly. That’s all he needed, to be trapped with a horny claustrophobe with a gun fetish. “On second thought, maybe you should shoot the door.”

“Now you’re talking!” McKay jumped abruptly to his feet and grabbed the gun, either ignoring or missing the sarcasm.

“No, wait.” Sheppard placed a restraining hand on McKay’s arm. “Let’s just think about this a minute. Where are you planning to go if you do manage to shoot your way out?”

The question caught McKay completely off guard. “I… I don’t know. Out there… somewhere. To see what’s out there. Aren’t you curious?”

“Well, yeah, sure. But we’re duplication units. We have a purpose; we just don’t know what it is yet. And we never will if we hightail it out of here before our patrons show up.”

“Sheppard, I can’t just sit around and wait for something to happen,” McKay whined. “This place is driving me nuts.”

“Speaking of nuts,” Sheppard cut in, “you don’t happen to have any food on you do you? I’m kind of hungry.”

“Hungry? We don’t get hungry.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s kind of strange. Evidently my source entity likes food. Maybe it’s a comfort thing for him.”

McKay gave him a disbelieving once over. “Well, then he must have one hell of a metabolism because you sure aren’t built like you eat for comfort. In fact, you look like you barely eat at all.”

Sheppard frowned at the assessment of his physical appearance. “I guess he doesn’t need a lot of comfort, then. He’s probably a very happy guy.”

“Yes, you’re a laugh a minute.”

“It’s a quiet happiness.”

“Whatever.” McKay rolled his eyes. “Tell you what, you let me shoot the door, I’ll find you all the food you can stuff in your silently blissful yet skeletal frame.”

Sheppard considered it, because it was tempting, but finally shook his head. “We should wait.” When McKay let out an audible growl of frustration, Sheppard tried again. “Maybe we can find something else to do.”

“Oh, really?” McKay’s expression changed instantly from aggravation to alluring. “So, what did you have in mind?”

Who would have known blue eyes could be so sultry? Duplication units were fully functional in all regards; that was kind of the point. And they were designed to feel… psychologically as well as physically. Because how could one be expected to act as a replacement for a living, breathing humanoid if there wasn’t a certain amount of living and breathing going on? Sure, a great deal of it was simulated. A Unit didn’t need to breathe, but there was the expansion and contraction of the air filters and the pump that moved cooling fluids beat similar to a humanoid heart. Just like a Unit didn’t need to bond emotionally or express that bonding physically, but the idea that they could was comforting and thrilling all at once.

Sheppard cleared his head of those thoughts by clearing his throat. “I bet there’s some sort of data center in these computers. We could do a little research.”

“Research? That’s your idea of a good time? Research?”

“If you do manage to get us out of here, don’t you think it would be a good idea to know at least a little bit about the world we’re going to be entering?”

“Yeah, okay, research. Sounds like a blast.”

And even though McKay’s impatient wave of his hand toward the console indicated he thought just the opposite, he did seem to enjoy himself once they found the database. They spent most of the rest of the day scrolling through pictures of the various Units that had been produced before them, studying the information about the various source entities’ home worlds, although the Sheppard and McKay source entities had no background information, and learning addresses for some incredible device called a stargate.

“I bet there’s one of those on this world,” McKay pointed out excitedly. “We get out of here, find it, and the universe is ours.”

Sheppard couldn’t help but be amused by McKay’s animation and bemused by his assumption that they would stay together once they were out of the facility. “Ours?”

“Well, I just assumed, since we were ordered together, we must be some sort of set.”

“Geez, McKay, you make it sound like we’re a pair of spice shakers or something.”

“It just makes sense that we would stick together, okay? Why? Do you have other plans?”

“Yeah, waiting for our patrons to show up.”

McKay shook his head in exasperation. “Sheppard, they aren’t going to show. When are you going to realize that? It’s us, you and me. If we don’t get ourselves out of here, we’re never going to experience any of these amazing things we’ve just been learning about.” When Sheppard seemed to be considering the argument, McKay pushed his advantage and rested a hand on his back. “If you stay here, you’ll never be able to taste the Glambian’s triple layer trifle they serve on national holidays. Or the roast bernak from Surris. Or the golden bubble wine on Ellic.”

Sheppard snarled at McKay. “You suck, you know that?”

McKay just smiled slyly, wrapping an arm around Sheppard’s shoulder. “You’ll eat like a king. I promise. Only the best for my fellow shaker.”

Out of arguments, because, damn, that food looked good, Sheppard finally relented. “Fine. Shoot the door.”

McKay made a gleeful noise as he squeezed Sheppard’s shoulder then grabbed the large gun he had set aside. In one fluid move he had it raised and turned the safety off, and before Sheppard could tell him to wait, maybe they should take cover, McKay started firing.

The bullets started ricocheting around the room and McKay tackled Sheppard to the ground until they finally stopped. “Yeah, okay,” McKay admitted, climbing up off his fellow Humanoid Duplication Unit, “Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.”

“Ya’ think, Rodney?” Screw the agreement about the names, Sheppard was pissed and in pain… and registering a malfunction.

“Oh, shit! You’re hit!”

The fluids that flowed through the microconduit of their systems probably didn’t serve the same purpose as the bodily fluids in the humanoids they were replicating, but it was colored to match those of the source entity. Deep red coolant was draining freely down Sheppard’s arm and puddling on the floor in confirmation of McKay’s outburst.

“Gee, thanks, McKay, I wouldn’t have known that if you hadn’t have pointed that out.”

McKay paled at the sight. “Can you stop it? Repair it?”

Sheppard concentrated then shook his head with a wince. “It’s not responding. I think you might have damaged something when you knocked me down.”

“Well, who designs a Duplication Unit that can’t take a little rough and tumble? Cheap hacks. I bet they outsourced half of our components to some underdeveloped world. I wouldn’t doubt it if all our critical circuitry is actually made out of recycled food storage cans that weren’t even properly sanitized before they were melted down and reformed. We probably have small bits of rotting meat clinging to our core processor even as we speak.”

Digging through the vest he had cast aside the previous night, McKay found a bandage and crawled back over to where Sheppard slumped against the wall.

“Stop it, McKay, you’re making me hungry.” Although the contamination McKay suggested in his processor couldn’t be blamed for the way his vision dimmed. That was due to the power being rerouted from nonprimary systems to try to compensate for the damaged repair routine.

“We don’t eat, Colonel. Remember?” McKay’s lips thinned as he set to dressing the wound.

“You just shot me, McKay. I don’t think you’re entitled to be on a first name basis with me.” Although the way his lips curled almost affectionately at the worry he saw on McKay’s face let both Units know he wasn’t serious. In fact, just the opposite. It was almost reassuring to Sheppard that his source entity would do that, try to make his McKay feel like everything was going to be okay. Although, the fact that his voice processor was shutting down, causing the words to slow and slur, wasn’t. “And just because we don’t have to feed on nutritional substances doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I’m evidently a nervous eater.”

“Great, that’s all I need, a Unit that craves food all the time. As if we don’t have bigger problems.”

Losing the ability to cool internally, Sheppard’s system had converted to a secondary condensation technique and, as a result, he could feel beads of moisture forming on his body. His neural feed registered a jolt that sent a shudder through him, the action causing McKay to work all the faster.

“Yeah, like you going all gung ho again and killing us both with those guns. You need to get a handle on this danger junkie side of yours, McKay.”

Tying off the bandage tightly to stem the flow, McKay sat back and shook his head. “I’m sorry. I never meant…”

“Relax. My repair system’s about to reset and I’ll be good as new by the time I come online again.”

“It’s just… I think I’m supposed to protect you.”

“Funny, I was just thinking the same thing about you.” Sheppard winced, shuddering as another jolt passed through his body.

McKay looked more than a little distressed by the action as he ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “My subroutines are having a field day trying to reconcile the paradox of that being one of my primary function and me being responsible for your injuries.”

“It was an accident. You were trying to do the right thing.” McKay bobbed his head once in understanding and then looked anxiously toward the door and Sheppard saw a way to hopefully distract him. “In other news, I think we can rule out any guards outside or they would have responded by now.”

“So that leaves us trapped in here forever. Wow, Sheppard, that makes me feel, oh, so much better.”

Sheppard snorted weakly, his vision dimming to a fine pinhole and McKay’s brow furrowed even deeper in concern. “Sheppard?”

“Just a reset, McKay. You going to be all right and not shoot anything until I’m back?”

But he didn’t hear the response as his primary circuit opened and the world shut off.

When his systems came back on line, the first thing Sheppard saw once his vision subroutine ran through the startup checks was McKay sitting across the room with his knees pulled up under his chin, one foot tapping nonstop. He seemed frazzled. Maybe even a little desperate.

“McKay?”

The Unit looked up at the sound of his voice, a smile of relief spreading crookedly across his face, when he saw Sheppard was operational once again. “Hey. How are you doing? Everything seem to be functioning properly?”

Sheppard ran a quick self-diagnostic, saw that the repair protocol had come back up and was eighty-seven percent complete with fixing the damaged arm. “Yeah, it seems to be working right. How about you?”

McKay moved to sit beside him. “Oh, you know. Just hanging out… waiting.”

The way McKay was sitting so close had Sheppard a little worried. “How long was I down?”

“Just over two days.” He shrugged self-consciously. “I was starting to think I’d have to use your shell as a battering ram to get out of here if you didn’t come back on-line soon.”

“Sorry. I guess it took longer for the repairs than I thought it would.”

“Next time, try to reboot a little faster, okay? I evidently I have abandonment issues.”

Sheppard bumped against the shoulder leaning against his. “Next time try not to shoot me.”

“Yeah, about that… I found something to try and make it up to you.” McKay scrambled over to his vest on all fours before crawling back with a silver packet and handing it over. “It’s called a powerbar. It seems to be a favorite food of my source entity. I had several in my vest and you had some, too.”

“Seriously?” Sheppard tore into the packaging happily, taking a large bite and slumping down in ecstasy. “Oh, wow, this is great.” He took another bite, chewing blissfully and studying the bar. “These little chips in here are incredible.”

“The label says it’s something called chocolate.”

“It’s the best damn substance in existence is what it is.” He finished off the bar, picking out any crumbs from the wrapper before looking around hopefully. “You said there was more?”

“Actually, there’s lots more.” Rodney stood and returned with his arms full of the snacks. “I figured out how to get the molecular scanner working. I also found a catalog of stock items, which is where I got the blankets and pillows and stuff. I figured we might as well be comfortable in our eternal imprisonment. Fortunately, these sorts of things replicate a lot faster than Duplication Units do, else the women I ordered while you were out would be ready by now.”

Sheppard shook his head in amazement. “Is that all you think about? Sex?”

“You should talk, Mr. Munchies. Besides, molesting your nonresponsive form got kind of dull after a while.” When Sheppard grimaced in disgust, McKay grinned. “I’m just kidding. I was too busy figuring out which buttons to push to scan the powerbars and make cushions to have time for anything else.”

“Well, you’re a genius, McKay,” Sheppard beamed up at him as he leaned back against the multicolored pillow behind him. Snagging a powerbar that slipped from McKay’s arms, he started in on it immediately.

McKay sat again and seemed almost bashful about the praise. “All I did was follow the on-line instructions that I was finally able to access. I never could figure out how to get the door open.”

“I would think it would be pretty easy,” Sheppard told him around a mouthful of food. “All you would have to do is reconfigure the power signature so that the locks accept the input from inside the room instead of outside.”

It took Sheppard a second to draw his attention away from the chocolate bits and realize McKay was staring at him. “What?”

“Do you think you could do that?”

Sheppard considered and then nodded in a bit of surprise. “Actually, I think I can.”

McKay nearly jerked Sheppard’s good arm off trying to pull him to his feet. “Then do it.”

For the next several hours, Sheppard worked on the door controls. McKay left him to his work, busying himself studying the smaller hand guns they each carried in holsters on their thighs, and keeping him in powerbars. Eventually, those two tasks must have become boring because he finally tried to start a conversation.

“How do you get your hair to do that?”

“Do what?” Sheppard asked distractedly as he referred back to the facility schematics he was able to hack into in the mainframe.

“Defy gravity like that. Even while you were out, it stayed standing up.”

“I don’t know. I don’t do anything with it.”

“It’s surprisingly soft.” McKay’s observation had Sheppard looking askance over his shoulder. “What?” the Unit asked defensively. “You were shut down and it was just… calling to me.”

“What else was calling to you?”

“Believe it or not, Sheppard, I do have self-control. A lot of self-control. More than you, that’s for sure.”

“And just what does that mean?”

“You’re practically having an orgasm every time you eat one of those powerbar things.”

“I am not.”

“And it’s putting every ounce of self-control that I have to the test given those blissed-out noises you make when you eat one.”

“I just happen to enjoy the good things in life. Things besides sex and violence.”

McKay snorted. “You’re source entity evidently didn’t get laid enough.”

“I’m sure he got laid plenty.”

“He’s probably a virgin,” McKay countered.

“He’s not a virgin!” Sheppard took a deep breath to calm him from what had to be the most ridiculous conversation he’d ever had in his existence. Granted, he’d only existed for a few days, but he doubted he’d have another one this ludicrous… that is unless he really did spend the rest of his life with McKay.

“Sure he’s not,” the other Unit patronized.

“You know, McKay, technically, you’re a virgin.”

McKay opened and closed his mouth, turned red in frustration, opened and closed his mouth again, before ordering, “Just open the damn door, Sheppard.”

Sheppard couldn’t help the self-satisfied grin that cut across his face as he continued to try to reroute power. “What? Not going to try to talk me into solving that problem for you?”

“I wouldn’t want to come between you and your chocolate chips. You seem to make such a happy couple.”

“Wow, McKay, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were jealous.”

Sheppard caught the glower out of his peripheral vision. “You know, when we get out of here, we probably should split up.”

Sheppard’s grin just grew. “What happened to your abandonment issues?”

“I realize I have bigger emasculation issues.”

“So how do you plan to resolve the conflict between those issues and your need to protect me?”

“We all have our burdens,” he responded dryly. “Mine just happens to be a smart ass with a sweet tooth and remarkably soft hair that laughs in the face of several laws of nature.”

“Is constant flirting also one of your primary directives?”

“That’s evidently one of the burdens you have to bear.” The smile was back, angled and arrogant and something Sheppard realized he was starting to get used to even after such a short amount of time. Even if it belonged to a Unit that could annoy the living shit out of him.

That fact wasn’t enough to keep him from returning the grin, though. “Now I’m going to have issues.”

He worked for a couple of more hours, finally thinking he had found the power source he needed to reconfigure. But then his repair routine started signaling that he needed to reboot to make sure the repairs were complete on his damaged arm. With a sigh he told McKay, “I have to shut down again for a while.”

“Again? Why?”

Holding up a hand to calm the other Unit, he reassured, “For the final diagnostic to run. I don’t think it should be anywhere near as long as last time.”

“Yeah, okay,” McKay agreed glumly.

Sheppard lay down on the bed of blankets and pillows, scooting over enough to make room for McKay. “Besides, if we’re going to get out of here, you should probably go into a stasis cycle, too.”

“Really?” The question was wary; as if he wasn’t sure Sheppard was actually making the spot for him.

But Sheppard would never be able to shut down properly if he was worried about McKay having a panic attack while he was out. “If you can keep the exploration to a minimum… and leave my hair alone.”

“Only if it stops calling to me.” McKay lay down beside him, both of them staring at the ceiling. “It’s like a life form unto itself.”

“Just stay on your side, McKay, and it’ll be fine.”

McKay folded his hands on his own chest and closed his eyes. “Don’t worry, Sheppard. I’ll respect your prudish and rather selfish need for personal boundaries.”

But when Sheppard woke from his restart about an hour later, he found that McKay had at some point rolled on his side and thrown an arm across the disabled Unit’s chest. McKay’s hand rested so that he could feel when Sheppard’s fluid pump resumed operation and even though McKay didn’t come out of stasis when it did, he smiled faintly and moved a bit closer. And Sheppard found he really didn’t mind the proximity of the other Unit that much at all. In fact, he easily fell back into his own stasis for a few more hours before rising and resuming work on the door.

McKay was patting the empty space where Sheppard had been lying before he even came completely out of his stasis cycle. “Rise and shine, Sunshine,” Sheppard called from the control console.

Blue eyes blinked open at the sound of his voice, and it was obvious McKay’s processors were a bit slow to resume full operations. “You’re up early,” he observed with a sloppy pass of hand over face and hair.

“Told you I didn’t think I'd need long for the restart. But evidently you needed the stasis more than you thought.”

“So the repairs are complete this time?” McKay stretched, realigning metallic vertebrae that had shifted as a result of lying on the floor.

“Operating at one hundred percent efficiency,” Sheppard promised, happy to see the crease of worry fade from McKay’s face. The Unit hadn’t been kidding when he had said they both had burdens to bear.

But those went out the window… or door, as it were… as the exit slid open to reveal bright sunlight shining through a dense growth of jungle.

“You got it open,” McKay observed in wonder as he stood staring wide-eyed out into the vegetation, all lingering drowsiness vanishing at the sight. “You really got it open!”

“Yep,” Sheppard confirmed smugly, stepping up behind McKay where he stood looking out the doorway.

McKay took up his gun and peered out into the jungle. “Stay behind me,” he warned and Sheppard was more than happy to oblige.

The air was warm and humid and alive with the sound of buzzing insects and the occasional animal call. The plants were variegated shades of cool greens, some so deep they were almost black and others so pale they were bordering on yellow, the endless pattern of leaves broken by the appearance of red and orange flowers ranging from sharp and spiky to broad and fragrant. And all of it more rich and vivid than photos in the database ever could be. Following McKay out of the building, Sheppard raised his face to the rays of sunshine cutting through the canopy, smiling when he saw the bright blue of the sky peeking back.

Evidently, McKay didn’t find anything to be concerned with, because, the next thing Sheppard knew, the other Unit had fisted into his shirt and pulled him into a firm kiss. “Ha! You got it open!”

And suddenly, the blue of the sky paled in comparison to the shade of the laughing eyes he found himself staring into. “Yeah, I did.”

As if realizing what he had done, McKay let go of his shirt and took a step back. “Sorry, I just got a little carried away…”

But Sheppard cut him off, taking McKay’s face in both of his hands and pulling him back in for another, longer kiss. Then McKay made a few sounds that put every satisfied noise Sheppard had ever made over a powerbar to shame and Sheppard found himself doing the same when McKay’s hand gripped his hips and pulled him in tight. Fully damn functional in every way. The sales catalog wasn’t kidding when they made that claim.

McKay’s lips were moving frantically along Sheppard’s jaw, his neck, his throat, his chin, and back to his mouth, and Sheppard decided maybe the other Unit shouldn’t have demonstrated so much self-control over the past couple of days. McKay’s mouth was busy sucking on his collarbone and Sheppard ran his fingers up the nape of his neck and deep into the soft brown hair, holding him close so that he didn’t stop that anytime soon.

“Holy crap,” Sheppard groaned when McKay reached the hollow of his throat, synapses firing in his central processor that made him weak in the knees. “I know we just opened the door, McKay. But would you be opposed going back in and locking it again?”

McKay kissed him once more, deep and hot, even as his hands started moving up under Sheppard’s shirt. “On one condition, you don’t call me McKay. I want you to call me by my first name.”

Sheppard grinned, hooking his fingers in the waistband of dark grey pants and tugging the other Unit back toward the building. “Anything you want, Doctor.”

Several hours later, Sheppard was rummaging around for another powerbar, stopping long enough to kiss a bare shoulder and slap a bare ass that were positioned in front of the control console. “What are you doing anyway?”

“Canceling the order for the women.” Eyebrows waggled gleefully. “I don’t think I’m going to be needing them.”

Hazel eyes rolled skyward as Sheppard flopped back onto their makeshift bed on the floor and bit into the bar. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

McKay crawled in beside him, nuzzling into his jaw. “I think, for my source entity, that might be considered a commitment.”

Sheppard shifted to lean against him, enjoying the feel of talented fingers moving slowly over his chest as he chewed contentedly. Powerbars and McKay… he couldn’t imagine anything in the universe that they might discover through the stargate being better than that. “Do you think they’re like this? Our source entities? That this was the bond we picked up on when we were first activated?”

“Maybe,” McKay conceded, his hand drifting to Sheppard’s stomach, “They don’t know what they’re missing if they’re not.”

“Well, if you’re right, and no one’s coming for us, I guess we’ll never know.” The hand drifted lower still and Sheppard closed his eyes, groaning as he lifted into the touch, deciding once again that the engineer who had designed the hydraulics and feedback sensors in that portion of their bodies was a fucking genius.

“The only person I’m concerned about coming for me is you, Sheppard.”

And a few minutes later, he was more than happy to alleviate that concern for McKay.

When the door opened again the next morning, Sheppard cracked his eyes enough to make out two figures backlit by the morning sun. McKay snuffled into his chest, wrapping an arm around him tighter in his stasis cycle but Sheppard did his best to squint and make out the dark shapes standing before him.

A voice, remarkably like his own, drawled, “Well, I can honestly say, this is the last thing I expected to find seventy-three days after being scanned on an alien planet.”

At the sound of his source entity’s voice, Sheppard’s welcome subroutine kicked in and he did his best to sit up, which was kind of hard seeing as McKay was sprawled across his chest. “Greetings on behalf of the Morgausian Molecular Reconstruction Corporation. We’re happy you chose to trade with us today as we understand you have a choice in you Duplication Unit fabrication services and we thank you for your patronage. We hope you’re pleased with the results of your selection and will think of Morgausian the next time you are in the market for replication and reconstruction products. Please take a moment to complete a customer satisfaction survey before departing so that we may better meet your consumer needs in the future.”

But Sheppard didn’t think they would be rated very favorably given his source entity’s response. “So, Rodney, are you still convinced this was just a goddamn alien answering machine?”

“Huh.” The second figure, that sounded remarkably like McKay, tilted his head as he spoke. “Is yours anatomically correct?”

Sheppard shook his McKay to wake him. “McKay, our sponsors are here.” The Unit grumbled in response to the hissed warning but didn’t rouse and Sheppard plucked a powerbar wrapper that was stuck to the side of McKay’s face and tossed it away. “We’re not exactly making a great first impression here.”

McKay yawned broadly and pulled his humanoid duplication unit pillow back down beside him. “Let them take it up with customer service.”

*              *              *              *

When Elizabeth had eyed them suspiciously as they sat in her office after their return from the planet where they had been scanned several months prior, John couldn’t really blame her. Given the way he and Rodney sat perfectly straight, a good three feet apart and never once making eye contact, they definitely had a cat eating the canary look to them.

“And you found nothing in the facility? Nothing at all?”

Well, let’s see, John thought to himself, two mandroids that were exact duplicates of him and McKay, wearing nothing but discarded powerbar wrappers and each other, tangled together on the floor…

“Nope,” he confirmed. “Nothing.”

“At all,” Rodney stressed, his eyes flicking guiltily to Sheppard’s crotch before locking forward on Elizabeth once more.

John maintained a neutrally innocent expression, which just seemed to make Elizabeth’s eye’s narrow more. “You’re absolutely positive?”

Actually, they weren’t exact duplicates.   All those override warnings started to make sense when they had finally gotten the two up and dressed, gathered a quick synopsis of what they were, then, at the android’s request, showed them how to operate the DHD. Fortunately, Teyla and Ronon hadn’t made it into the facility and seen what he had Rodney had. And John had managed to swear them to secrecy forever about the duplicates after McKay gave a rather stirring speech about how the two were obviously sentient beings despite being Artificial Intelligence and the SGC would never allow them to roam free if they knew about them. Given Teyla’s innate sense of respect of fellow beings and Ronon’s hate of anything that smelled of captivity, it wasn’t a hard sell.

Once that had been taken care of and the two uncopied teammates had retreated to the Jumper, the McKay robot had leaned in and asked the real Rodney, “By the way, how do you keep your Sheppard so skinny when all he does is eat those damn powerbars? I mean, we don’t gain weight, but real humans do, don’t they?”

McKay had given John a befuddled look but he hadn’t been able to help with the answer because that’s when his duplicate asked him in amazement, “So, you two aren’t… you know… having sex?”

“Noooooo. No, no, no, no.”

The adamant answer seemed to disappoint his duplicate. “Why not? Are you a… virgin?”

“What? Jesus, no!” The relief he saw at his reply didn’t make John feel any better. “Look, you guys aren’t perfect copies of us. See, McKay was messing with the equipment, trying to gain access and he overrode a few things and stuff obviously got a little… jumbled up.”

“McKay was messing with the equipment?” The disbelief on the robot’s face only went to confirm John’s point.

“Yes, McKay. He’s the one that likes all the technical mumbo jumbo and eats all the powerbars. And I’m the one that likes guns and sleeps with lots of women. Lots of women.”

Duplicate Sheppard seemed to consider the information, looking between John and the two McKays before patting John on the shoulder. “Yeah, you’ll get over that.”

“Okaaaay,” John shrugged away from his replica before the android could go into details as to why he thought his original would change his sexual orientation. “McKay, I think it’s time we get back to Atlantis and let these two get back to…” His hand floundered as much as his mind. “Whatever they’ve got planned for today.”

Rodney moved to join his teammate, stopping long enough to tell them, “Oh, one of you is probably allergic to citrus and insect stings. I assume the McKay model since it’s a physical and not a psychological condition. Although, I’m not even sure AIs can have allergies. And I guess the blood sugar won’t be an issue either.”

“I think they’ve got it under control, Rodney.” John was practically pulling him along to get away from the duplicates because they were kind of starting to creep him out.

“I’m just trying to be thorough, Colonel,” Rodney countered. “They should be aware of these things.”

“Wait,” the second McKay called to the first. “You go by your middle name?”

Rodney crinkled his brow in confusion at the question. “Yes, actually, I do.”

“And you go by your first?” the second Sheppard asked.

“Yeah,” John confirmed and why the hell were they so interested in that?

The two androids looked at each other in consideration before John’s asked, “But you’re the one that flies, right?”

John gave a small smirk. At least some things had crossed over correctly. “Actually, I am.”

A mirror grin appeared on his duplicate’s face. “Cool.”

And then they had left and returned to Atlantis and had found themselves sitting in Elizabeth’s office denying everything.

“Positive,” John confirmed once more and fortunately Rodney seemed to snap out of it went into his typical annoyed mode.

“Are we done here? We’ve just arrived back in the City after a month and a half banishment and I still have to find out exactly what the Asurians did, not to mention the Ancients.”

“And write another email justifying why we should keep more than one of the ZPMs?” Elizabeth lifted a wry eyebrow as McKay’s deflection.

“Possibly,” Rodney evaded with a jut of his chin.

“Very well,” the expedition leader relented with a sigh that had both men standing to make their escape. “I’ll have the planet put into the system for routine monitoring just in case someone does show up.”

“NO!” they exclaimed in unison.

When Elizabeth started to ask yet again if they were hiding something, Rodney blurted. “There were snake… like… things in the building.”

“Two of them,” John added.

“Huge,” McKay contributed. “Both of them, just… fascinatingly large and apparently rather fond of each other.” John couldn’t help but punch Rodney in the shoulder to get him to shut the hell up. “I think they’ve taken up permanent residence in the building and it would be a risk to anyone going to the planet.”

“In fact, I think we should lock the address out of the dialing system.”

The colonel’s suggestion had Weir blinking in surprise. “Over a couple of snakes?”

“They were pretty disconcerting snakes,” Sheppard justified.

To which Rodney added, “Better safe than sorry.”

“I’ll take that under advisement, gentlemen.” Although the expression on her face said she’d do anything but.

Making a quick exit from the room, they walked briskly down the corridor. The sooner they were out of earshot the better. Sheppard ordered under his breath, “You need to make sure that address is removed from the database, McKay.”

“It’ll be gone by lunchtime,” he promised. “Although…”

“Oh, hell, here we go.” Sheppard’s lament was accompanied by grabbing Rodney by the arm and dragging him out onto the nearest balcony. “One, McKay. Give me one good reason why we shouldn’t lock out that address and never, ever, mention it again.”

“SG-1 had a similar situation once where someone made duplicate AI counterparts of them.”

“Was the O’Neill robot fucking the Jackson robot in a pile of powerbars?”

Rodney bobbled his head as he relented, “They didn’t mention anything about that in the mission report.”

“Yeah, okay, not the same thing, then.”

“You’re right, Sheppard, it’s not the same and they aren’t us because of the scrambling. But there are a lot of people out there who would like to get their hands on us and they won’t be able to tell the difference and that hardly seems fair to them…”

“Rodney, they are robots.”

“Yes, but they’re happy robots and don’t they deserve a chance to stay that way?”

The fight kind of went out of John at that point, because, yes, they did seem to be fairly happy with their… arrangement. But there was no way in hell he was going to add more fuel to the unsubstantiated rumors that were already flying around about the two of them.

“Look, we watch each other’s backs; they’ll watch each others backs. They have the same skills set we do, it’s just been redistributed a little bit. I don’t think it’ll make that big of a difference in the long run.”

Rodney rolled his eyes. “Yes, because the whole sleeping together thing that happened between them as a result of those reallocations isn’t that big of a difference.”

With a sigh, Sheppard admitted, “Actually, it’s not.” When McKay took a step away from him, John held up a hand. “I don’t mean I think we should… because I don’t. Okay? I don’t. But if things had gone differently early on and we had been faced with the same situation they were, who knows?”

“Really? You really think we could have been more than just good friends?” There seemed to be less shock and more curiosity behind Rodney’s question.

“When I first met you, I wouldn’t have ever believed that the friendship was even possible. But look at us now.”

“True,” the scientist admitted philosophically before asking, “So you don’t think sometime down the road we might… you know… feel compelled to try a different path, so to speak.”

“Oh, hell, no.” John snorted and started for the door. “I know you too well, McKay. Keep in mind they only met a few days ago. Once the robot endorphins wear off they’ll be at each other’s throats. I give them a month, six weeks, tops.”

“You have a point there.” Rodney followed along, stopping before they reentered the hallway. “Although, I have to admit, you have a surprisingly nice ass for being so skinny.”

“Actually, Rodney, from what I saw, yours isn’t half bad either.”

“You think? Because in these pants…”

“Eh, those pants aren’t that flattering.”

The two stopped, realized what they were doing, and cleared their throats.

“So, we’re never going to speak of this again,” McKay assured.

“Absolutely not.”

“Well, then, I’m going to head back to the lab and stop thinking about either one of our asses.”

“Yeah, I’m going to the Jumper bay and doing the same.”

But walking in the opposite direction, Sheppard risked a glance back over his shoulder and noticed Rodney doing the same. Oh, crap. They weren’t just checking out each other’s asses, were they? Yes, they most definitely were. Well, John thought pragmatically, it could have been worse. At least they hadn’t had a discussion about the snakes.

THE END