Earthlier Happy, Act I, by Sophonisba [villains challenge]
-title- Earthlier Happy; or, a Midsummer Night's Bad Trip, Act I
-author- Sophonisba (saphanibaal)
-warnings- Crack. Crackity crack crack. This was originally going to be part of my long AU, but the Zophonisbeion evolved beyond it, so this is, well, an AU that splits off at the beginning of Season 2, mostly. There are in fact antagonists and former antagonists throughout the piece.
-pairings- Lots. Canon het; Weir/Radim; Cadman/Brown; Kavanagh/Beckett; Ronon/Cadman; unrequited Weir/Zelenka, Weir/Lorne, and Weir/Caldwell; and Implications of all shapes, sizes, and flavors.
-spoilers- Through "McKay and Mrs. Miller."
-disclaimer- Stargate:Atlantis is not mine in any way, shape or form, unless it be that I turn out to own stock in MGM or UA or one of the lesser companies involved in some way with it. The plot and much of the dialogue should seem to be familiar to you; our Will mined other people's works for his and gleefully stole plot, setting, names and dialogue as it seemed good to him, so I doubt he would mind that I've returned the favor, particularly as his works have been public domain (as we understand the term) for over four hundred years. The plot was loosely inspired by the fic I read (but cannot remember the title or author of) where Rodney is a lesbian vector; an educational institution belonging to Gordon Korman is mentioned.
-word count- 5817
-summary- Elizabeth is getting married; Cadman wants to; (Daniel is married, and, moreover, in Atlantis;) Kavanagh and Sora are bitching; and a recently-recuperated Ford is getting his former teammates et al. to help put together a skit for the wedding reception.
Earthlier Happy;
or, A Midsummer Night's Bad Trip
[Overture: 1712 Overture -- P.D.Q. Bach]
I. i. Atlantis. The Gateroom.
[Panther Dance -- P.D.Q. Bach]
SHEPPARD
Four more days until the wedding, and not enough hours in any of them. Are we sure the Genii protesters --
SORA
They will not dare assault the city, with force or guile. We survivors have been spreading tales.
RONON
Good.
[SHEPPARD looks as if he's uncertain whether it's good or not, and then shrugs.]
FORD
I still don't see how we wound up trusting the Genii.
TEYLA
Many things occurred while you were... unwell.
[FORD winces]
FORD
I really didn't... that is, I meant...
MCKAY
If he's going to go off into another round of apologies, I'm going to go ahead and start retuning the gateroom defense laser emplacements. Let me know when it's safe to listen again.
FORD
I'm sorry.
RONON
You're doing it again.
SORA
And we can trust your security?
SHEPPARD
There will be a detachment of Marines with them at all times.
SORA
Including you?
SHEPPARD
I'm not a Marine.
FORD
I am.
SORA
You disapprove of the wedding.
FORD
You disapproved of your people's invasion.
SORA
Point.
FORD
Doesn't it seem a little... archaic, though, to seal an alliance with a marriage?
TEYLA
It is a common practice among my people.
RONON
[to MCKAY] You can listen now.
TEYLA
One of my grandmothers married into Emmagan from the Eluvans -- Orin's people -- and my people gave me to AR-1 in alliance and friendship.
FORD
Wait, wait, you're married to --
RONON
Us. The team.
MCKAY
The Athosians don't think of marriage as a contract between two people with implied sex.
TEYLA
Dr. Jackson has said that marriage among my people bears a resemblance to the ritual marriages of some world in the Milky Way --
MCKAY
P4-something-or-other; the place where they thought SG-1 consisted of O'Neill and his wives.
TEYLA
-- but that it is closer to what you would name "acceptance into the family commune" than what Tellurians or Genii conceive of as marriage.
SHEPPARD
It's another thing we found out while you were out of it, although they don't expect us to necessarily consider ourselves married to her.
FORD
I got married to Teyla and nobody told me. I feel gypped.
MCKAY
We should have at least have had a bachelor party out of the deal.
SORA
What is a "bachelor party"?
SHEPPARD
[aside] Oh, good, we won't have to provide security for it if he isn't having one.
I. ii. Same. Elizabeth Weir's Office
ELIZABETH
Four days, and every hour drags us down with more petty trivialities.
LADON
The days will soon enough melt into the nights, and the nights dream away the time. The hour of our solemnities will be on us before we know it. [takes ELIZABETH's hand]
ELIZABETH
[aside] Thank goodness I sent the Jacksons off to start organizing the parties.
[to LADON] Ladon, I -- I wooed you with our weapons, and won your love doing you injuries; but I shall wed you "in another key / With pomp, with triumph, and with revelling." [draws him closer]
CALDWELL [on radio]
Dr. Weir!
LADON
What -- ?
ELIZABETH
I forgot he scheduled an appointment for this afternoon. [touches radio] Come in!
[Enter CALDWELL, KATIE BROWN, CADMAN, and BECKETT]
CALDWELL
Good afternoon, Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH
Hello, Steven. Is there a problem?
CALDWELL
[Glances at LADON] It's something of an internal issue...
CADMAN
He can stay. It's not as if I've done anything to be ashamed of.
BECKETT
Laura, lass, I don't know that you've thought this through...
CADMAN
[ignoring him] I've already resigned my commission.
CALDWELL
And by rights --
ELIZABETH
Wait, what?
CALDWELL
The last time I was here, I was under the impression that the Lieutenant was seriously involved with Carson, here.
BECKETT
She was. We were very happy. That is, I thought we were very happy...
CADMAN
Carson, I've told you, it wasn't you. I'd say it was me, but it wasn't really that, either. It was just... [shrugs] one of those things.
BECKETT
Is this about the restraints? If I'd known it meant that much to you, I'd have tried the silly restraints.
CADMAN
Carson!
CALDWELL
So when the Daedalus arrived and he told me that she had suddenly, unaccountably broken affairs off --
CADMAN
We hadn't been on a date in a month! I thought it was obvious until McKay told Katie that Carson hadn't caught a clue.
CALDWELL
I thought, as a friend, that I would have a word with her; ask her to reconsider, whether the difference was insurmountable. But when I happened upon her, and was remarking on the sunlight in my eyes and the drawbacks of possible carelessness, Cadman told me that she had resigned that morning and had no intention of returning on the Daedalus.
ELIZABETH
[faintly] Returning?
CADMAN
Katie's making important strides in xenobotany. There's no reason she should have to throw all that over and leave just because she wants something for herself as well.
KATIE
Dr. Weir, as the representative of civilian authority in Atlantis, I ask you whether you can issue Laura and me a marriage license.
ELIZABETH
[more faintly] Marriage...?
LADON
Do Atlantis customs permit a woman to marry another?
ELIZABETH
We're a hodgepodge of cultures. Some of them do, but...
BECKETT
[at the same time] Laura, marriage is a large step. Can you really be sure you want to rush into it with someone you've not been seeing for more than a week --
CADMAN
It's been longer than that, actually. [to CALDWELL] And yes, I know, I have resigned --
CALDWELL
And there's no need for that to go outside this room! [More quietly] Lieutenant, Atlantis is, to most effects, a war zone. You'd have to rotate home and then resign. Even should the brass decide not to count it that way, once you left the military I'd have to take you back. Civilians have to be cleared by the Earth authorities. Don't do this.
CADMAN
I have done it.
CALDWELL
So un-do it!
LADON
Young woman, you should regard your commanding officer as a father, one who shaped you as surely as if you had been a wax figure.
CADMAN
My father didn't want me to join the Marines, either. He'd probably be happy if I left -- and anyway, Col. Caldwell's not my commanding officer.
CALDWELL
Where is Sheppard? I asked to meet with the both of you.
ELIZABETH
[touching radio] John?
SHEPPARD [on radio]
Sorry, Elizabeth, I'm kind of busy at the moment. Can it wait?
MCKAY [on radio]
There's this... this leak. Small leak, with the potential to blow wide open at any moment --
ZELENKA [on radio]
[cheerfully] With no warning. Very dangerous.
MCKAY [on radio]
-- so we have Col. Sheppard flying us around to it. We'll see you when we see you.
SHEPPARD [on radio]
That's about the size of it. Sheppard out.
BECKETT
A leak in what?
ELIZABETH
[grimly] I expect they'll have a report on it ready if anyone ever asks. [touching radio] Daniel?
CORRIGAN [on radio]
His wife kicked his feet out from under him and dragged him off ten minutes ago. Is it an emergency?
ELIZABETH
No, nothing serious; ask him to call me at his convenience when he gets back in.
[to others in room] Is this really as much of an issue as it appears? Laura's been here --
CALDWELL
It's a matter of discipline. Whether or not we agree with the rules, they're there for a reason, and we can't just allow people to play fast and loose with them on a whim --
CADMAN
Whim schmim. This is serious. I'm serious as a heart attack.
CALDWELL
And two months ago you were serious about Carson.
CADMAN
If you like Carson so much, why don't you let me have Katie and you marry him?
BECKETT
We're just friends -- !
CALDWELL
[at the same time] The more unprofessional behavior you demonstrate, Lieutenant, the more I question my judgment in offering you as much latitude as I have --
KATIE
Dr. Singh was allowed to bring his wife with him, even though she was a Mountie corporal before she came here, and nobody tried to send Sergeant Kaur home afterwards. You got permission to have your fiancé come, Dr. Weir; why can't I have mine here, where she's proven her worth and made herself integral to Atlantis?
LADON
Fiancé?!
ELIZABETH
Over and done with -- all of you, out! Out! I'll deal with this later. I trust you can behave like reasonable adults for four days?
ALL FOUR
Yes.
[Exeunt.]
I. iii. Same. McKay's Lab and a corridor outside it.
[In the lab, various and sundry scientists are doing various and sundry presumably scientific things. TEYLA is curled up in a blanket asleep under a lab table. ZELENKA and KAVANAGH are talking in the foreground.]
KAVANAGH
... and I can't believe he's going around hung up on her. Weren't they over months ago?
ZELENKA
It was the spices of the alpha site. They reawakened old longings. [sighs sadly] Elizabeth...
SIMPSON
Tell me about it. The Jacksons have barely been able to keep their hands off each other.
ZELENKA
They affected the Jacksons, too?
KAVANAGH
How can you tell?
SIMPSON
I suppose you have a point. [turns back to her work]
ZELENKA
I still cannot believe she is marrying the man. An alliance, yes, good, but this...
KAVANAGH
Seriously, what is it with Carson and that woman? First she turns him straight, then he breaks up with her, then he forgets he broke up with her -- okay, some of that last might be the spice, but it hasn't been making anyone else delusional, has it?
ZELENKA
I have never been delusional enough to believe that I ever had a chance. [to KAVANAGH] I do not think the Lieutenant "turned Dr. Beckett straight." He was quite smitten with Lucius, yes?
KAVANAGH
Oh, doesn't that make me feel all special.
[SORA enters.]
SORA
Dr. Kavanagh? You were going to show me...
KAVANAGH
Yes, of course, over here.
ZELENKA
You are keeping the restrictions in mind?
KAVANAGH
Unlike some people on this expedition, I'm not wilfully blind.
[Focus changes to hallway. Enter KATIE and MCKAY, walking along]
KATIE
You've been wonderfully supportive through all this, Rodney, and --
MCKAY
I only told my team the first time I caught you kissing -- and that was by accident! -- and then after that when Carson had been going on about Cadman in a misty-eyed sort of way, I told you that she might have some 'splaining to do. That's being supportive?
KATIE
Well, you didn't bring it to Col. Sheppard's attention --
MCKAY
He stuck his fingers in his ears and said "La la la, I'm-not-listening."
[KATIE stops and stares at him]
MCKAY
[defensively] I told you it was an accident!
KATIE
...anyway, you haven't been stalking me.
MCKAY
Carson's not stalking her, he's just... not taking it well.
KATIE
We feel bad for him, we really do, it's just... well, our plan should take care of that.
MCKAY
Plan all you want, but leave me out of it.
KATIE
No, see, we understand that this coming up when Caldwell's here puts all kinds of pressure on the Atlantis command staff.
MCKAY
You two couldn't have, oh, locked the door or something like sane and sensible people? Oh, wait, Cadman. I forgot.
KATIE
So we've requested leave, and we're going to go offworld until the Daedalus leaves without us.
MCKAY
...wow. That's a really special plan, and by special, I mean "unbelievably stupid." So you're going to run away like a couple of idiot teeners and probably get eaten by the Wraith... unless [snaps fingers] you're going to that shielded Planet of the Children? They're about your mental age, you should get along fine...
KATIE
Actually, we're going to stay on Proculus.
MCKAY
Cadman came up with this plan, didn't she? What, is there some sort of conspiracy, all treacherous slutty redheads stick together or something?
KATIE
Rodney.
MCKAY
I didn't mean to imply you were slutty or treacherous! I just... look, you can do so much better than Cadman, you know that?
KATIE
[mistily] Yes, but I don't want better.
MCKAY
Oh, for crying out loud! [stomps through door to labs]
[Exit KATIE]
MCKAY
Honestly! If I wanted to hear about people's troubles, I'd have gone into psychiatry and watched my brain dribble out my ears. Presumably you have all been spending your time on matters of actual import that will, oh, further the boundaries of knowledge or improve the quality of life in Atlantis?
MIKO
Yes, Doctor.
KAVANAGH
Zelenka's run the same simulation three times since this morning.
ZELENKA
I did not note all the data the first time through.
KAVANAGH
Because you're distracted. And you're getting sloppy.
MCKAY
Radek, I expected better of you.
ZELENKA
I try. I just...
TEYLA
[yawns] Is something the matter?
MCKAY
Spring is in the air, and I appear to be allergic to it. Zelenka's mooning around and missing observations, Kavanagh's being an ass --
SIMPSON
Kavanagh's always an ass.
KAVANAGH
I don't see you being a model of professional decorum yourself.
[SORA glares at SIMPSON]
MCKAY
-- and you haven't heard what Cadman and Dr. Brown have come up with.
TEYLA
They wish to marry, do they not? Is that not why we discovered a most pressing need to inspect the, ah, water intakes?
MCKAY
Well, yes -- [to ZELENKA] and thank you for covering for us on that, by the way --
ZELENKA
And now you will owe me a favor, yes?
MCKAY
-- but I meant their latest stunt. Caldwell said that he'd take them back to Earth if they insisted on getting married, and they decided to unleash their inner twelve-year-olds and run off to Proculus until he goes away.
KAVANAGH
Wow. That's... special.
MCKAY
That's what I said.
ZELENKA
Caldwell expects Elizabeth to deal with this? She should not have to, not now, not when...
SORA
And Caldwell matters because?
TEYLA
He outranks Col. Sheppard, and believes that he also outranks the other authorities in Atlantis, and thus that he is best suited to settle matters in the City when he is here.
SIMPSON
We really, really don't need another power struggle. The last one was bad enough, and that was peaceful and civilized.
ZELENKA
[sadly] Elizabeth...
MCKAY
Well! I want to hear about -- Kavanagh, I'm sure you can show Saffron there your statistics out in the hall.
SORA
My name is Sora.
KAVANAGH
McKay never remembers anyone's name for weeks. You don't want to know how long he was calling me "Kevin."
[KAVANAGH picks up his laptop; SORA and the focus lighting follow him out into the hall.]
KAVANAGH
As you see, the high-frequency rays pass with ease through many objects opaque to visible light. [hands laptop to SORA; steps to one side and soliloquizes]
[music: "The Masochism Tango" (instrumental) -- Tom Lehrer]
KAVANAGH
It's nice for some people, going around being happy all the time. I'm as smart as McKay -- well, nearly -- that is, there've been times when I was right and he was wrong -- and I'm as attractive as the next person -- well, maybe not as Teyla Emmagan or this Sora whatsname, but I'm definitely hotter than Zelenka. He has to rely on "cute" -- and I'm better in bed than Cadman, everyone says so, well, except for whatshisface from geology, decided he was incurably straight last month -- but Carson doesn't think so.
[focus shifts to SORA]
SORA
Wonders and miracles, and they hand over this knowledge without any classification because it's nothing to them. We sacrificed... so much, to keep to what we had; ours, hard won and hard held, at a price that we had to judge fair lest it be too high. I used to imagine, though I knew it would never happen, that something someday would occur and I would be required to induct Teyla into our secrets. I would have taken her by the hand, and led her below the ground, and watched as her barbarian eyes widened to see the power that her ancestors lost long ago in their brutal struggle for survival.
And then the Atlanteans came, and brushed by everything we had rebuilt out of our toil and our race's blood as so many children's science-study projects. Do they wonder that we hated them? Do they wonder that we sought, like the angry children they name us, to seize what we were owed in simple justice? I lost my world because they were too proud to give us under duress what we could not bear to ask, the gifts that they had given without warrant to Teyla and her people scrabbling in the dust, having abandoned even their homeworld.
[focus shift -- KAVANAGH]
KAVANAGH
Carson Beckett. Goddammit. I don't see what it is about the man. He's scruffy, and he dithers to ridiculous extremes over the little things and never pays attention to the big ones, and he's the most oblivious man on the planet -- on any planet -- and the sort whose epitaph winds up being "he was an intelligent man, gentle and good, and did no justice" -- and he'll suddenly throw these curve balls. Not that he knows what curve balls are, in all likelihood, but one day he'll be saying in the mess "Oh yes, I'm afraid Laura and I just aren't working out," and then after he's been busying himself with Lieutenant Ford and no time to talk to anyone, he's suddenly mooning around worse than even at the beginning, back when he broke it off with me just to date her. Well. I suppose it's not as if I ever got around to suggesting maybe being exclusive, but how can someone who's always so compassionate and empathic be so... look, I am not going to dissolve into a '60s folk-rock torch song. Not. Just... no.
-- and speaking of Ford, what are they thinking of, to reinstate him as if nothing had happened? He'd been compromised for over a year, I don't know what might have been going on out there, no one does, and they're running out the flags and singing "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again." I'd expect as much out of Dr. Weir -- for an alleged diplomat, she spends a lot of time substituting emotion for logic, doesn't she? -- but the rest of them seem to have lost their collective minds because they pulled off a miracle. This is Atlantis. If they're going to make an exception for miracles, it's going to be in effect all the time.
[focus shift -- SORA]
SORA
And if it had fallen out differently three years ago -- had they first come to us rather than Athos, we might have been allies. We might have been here where we are now years ago, and learnt through exposure the folly of antagonizing those who would be our shield and our sword to wield against the Wraith if we only let them. We would have been the ones to introduce the Atlanteans to the worlds of the galaxy, and the barbarians would have gazed in awe and wonderment to see Genii wield moldable explosives and computing machines the size of parish ledgers, and Teyla would have been dazed and abashed to know that that Sora with whom she had played girlish games was a heir of the power of the Ancestors, in company with their kith and blood.
But no, it was Teyla whom the Atlanteans honored with their friendship, and Teyla who keeps company with the most brilliant minds in the worlds, trained to disciplines we barely begin to frame, and Teyla who, despite her mockery of my people's betrothal traditions, pledged herself to alien warriors and intellectuals, bargaining for weaponry and weapon-making with the myrrh between her hips. I have found but one man among them who does not believe the suns shine out of her narrow fundament.
[focus shift -- KAVANAGH]
KAVANAGH
I thought I'd worked out that just because the mannerisms of his part of Scotland bear a strong resemblance to incurable straightness doesn't necessarily mean that they match it, and then I finally worked out that just because they don't match it doesn't mean they negate it, and then after our little encounter with Mr. Wanna-Be Goa'uld Queen I didn't know what to think -- it must have been easier for primitives, who thought Love was some sort of thing that they could blame or propitiate when things went badly. We know it's a combination of chemicals and electrical impulses in the brain, the chance result of the interaction of random factors, with no more rhyme or reason to it than the human appendix or routing respiration through the alimentary canal, and blind luck whether or not the person whose pins match your pinholes and whose pinholes fit your pins does not have yet more pinholes in their socket. We don't have enough medicines to use them for such minor traumas as -- I can't even think of a term for it that doesn't sound like something out of the mouth of a fourteen-year-old girl; and even if we did, I don't think Dr. Heightmeyer would prescribe them for me. I tried to leave, once, despite the inherent stupidity of trusting myself to a ship commanded by a known former spy; and yet I found myself compelled to come back here, by my inner masochist or something.
[focus shift -- SORA]
SORA
But we listened to our leaders when they demanded that we wipe out the stain on our honor with blood, and only succeeded in spilling our own. They lied to us and deceived us -- I followed Commander Kolya to my father's death, and to exile, and to blasphemy, and had Ladon not offered us hope and new chances, we would have been left to beg or rob our way across worlds who could not have hoped to grovel at our feet. Ladon Radim fully deserves his title of Father of the Fatherland, for he has saved us time and again, and now brings us alliance not as charity nor as pity for one defeated, but as the proper dowry due such a man as simple justice. I do not know how he courted Dr. Weir, by what mastery he persuaded her to look kindly upon him, nor whether he may see this marriage as personally as well as politically satisfying; but I will not permit any fools to interfere with it, whether they be Genii or Atlantean or Ancestors themselves!
[focus shift -- KAVANAGH]
KAVANAGH
[Absently strolling closer to SORA] This special plan of Cadman's and Brown's is doomed to failure anyway; I'll wait until they leave, and then tell Carson about it. He won't thank me for it, but he'll want to go after them himself; and I'll have the Proculus address handy, claiming to have saved it from the gate -- I'd better set up a routine to do just that, in case they're just special enough to change their minds and go to the Planet of Squalling Brats who put flowers in my hair -- and thus come along. Not that I expect anything to come of it -- I'm not delusional -- but at least I'll have the pleasure of his company there and back.
[KAVANAGH stalks offstage. The focus shifts to SORA one last time]
SORA
These foolish women; this, coming as it does, could well upset the alliance, which I will permit nothing to imperil. Dr. Beckett is known through the worlds for his timidity, and Dr. Kavanagh told me himself that he had never been to any worlds save ones well civilized and the World of Orphaned Children: I will go to them and offer my services as a tracker, for the sake and the honor of the Genii, and to spend time with Dr. Kavanagh. I don't know what he's quarrelled with Dr. Beckett about -- I hadn't thought they were particularly close; might it be this Cadman woman? At any rate, if he has no friends in the City, I might well persuade him to come home with us, to head the physics department that Ladon still regrets having to leave to his capable secretaries, to bind himself to the Genii with ties of honor and duty and perhaps blood as he does not seem to have bound himself to the Atlanteans; and either way, I shall spend time with a man who listens when I complain about Teyla.
[SORA hurries off after KAVANAGH]
I.iv. The skies of the Planet of Atlantis (possibly named Atlantica, Neo-Atlan, Lantea, or Fred).
[A puddlejumper is flying through the stratosphere; the automatic pilot has apparently been engaged, as FORD, SHEPPARD, MCKAY, TEYLA, RONON, and ZELENKA are all sitting around in the back]
[Pachelbel -- Canon in D]
FORD
Thank you so much for agreeing to do this for me -- I was surprised to find you here, Doc Z.
MCKAY
He's been depressed over Elizabeth getting married all day; I thought he might as well come and help here rather than take up space in the labs where other people are trying to do the work he's too distracted to finish.
ZELENKA
Also if I am performing in a skit, I will not have to make conversation during it.
MCKAY
That, too.
SHEPPARD
Same reason Lorne's team invented a city-exploring mission and took him off on it. I think Cadman actually suggested it to him.
MCKAY
Don't talk to me about Cadman. Have you heard about her most recent idiocy?
TEYLA
You wished us to help with entertainment at Dr. Weir and First Speaker Radim's wedding reception?
FORD
Dr. Jackson wanted me to help out -- I'm not sure if it's some sort of "ease Aiden back in" thing or a "Anthro and Linguistics is all off auditing Genii literature classes and support staff has enough to do as it is" thing, and so I was thinking that if we got five or six people together, we could have a skit ready to put on, and there's this great skit, Dr. Corrigan said it was a traditional epithalamion before he took off --
MCKAY
So tell us what the skit is and what parts you want us to play, and get to the point.
FORD
The skit is "The Most Lamentable Comedy and Most Cruel Death of Pyramus and Thisby."
TEYLA
Comedy?
SHEPPARD
It is. It's really good -- I've seen it, it's part of a longer play -- it's hysterical.
MCKAY
...this is all because Jeanie let it slip that I understudied Nick Bottom when I was at MacDonald Hall, right?
FORD
I thought it would take less of your time if you re-learned lines, sir, rather than having to learn them from scratch.
MCKAY
I could be the lion. I could do it extempore.
RONON
There's a lyon?
FORD
The lion has lines, too. Besides, Ronon should be the lion. He's got the hair for it.
TEYLA
Hair? A lyon is a beast of the family that you call "cat," and has short fur...
ZELENKA
The Ancients took the word "lyon" from a beast on our world, which also belongs to the cat family, but male lions have a ruff or mane of long hair growing out of their head.
RONON
[satisfied] Like hruknor.
SHEPPARD
You keep bringing up these hruknor.
RONON
Interesting animals. Did a class project on them in fifth level.
FORD
At any rate, you, Dr. McKay, will be Pyramus.
MCKAY
[with long suffering] Oh, all right.
RONON
This Pyramus -- is he a romantic hero or an overlord?
FORD
A romantic hero.
ZELENKA
"Who kills himself most gallantly for love."
RONON
That'd take acting. I could do it; they'd be crying into their sleeves and breaking their hearts. McKay'd be better as an overlord.
MCKAY
Oh, sure. [sourly] "I could play Ercles rarely, or a part to tear a cat in, to make all split."
TEYLA
I do not understand.
MCKAY
It's one of his lines from the full version. And anyway, Zelenka's the one who'd make an excellent Evil Overlord.
ZELENKA
No, I am the trusted lieutenant, who memorizes the list of such suggestions for Evil Overlords as "I shall keep my pet monster in a cage into which I could not accidentally stumble" and offers useful support and commentary. I have not the time for overlordship.
MCKAY
Are you still harping on that...? Go on, Ford. Tell everyone else their roles. At least I'm not going to wind up being Hippolyta this time.
SHEPPARD
[eyes light up] Hippolyta?!
MCKAY
...Jeanie didn't tell you that.
FORD
Colonel Sheppard, sir?
SHEPPARD
Yes?
FORD
You will play Thisby.
MCKAY
Hah!
RONON
Who's Thisby? Is he like Paladin?
["Have Gun, Will Travel" theme (instrumental)]
ZELENKA
Thisby is the lady that Pyramus must love.
[music snippet ends abruptly]
SHEPPARD
Are you sure you want me to play a girl, Ford? I've got five o'clock shadow, and it's not as if we don't have Teyla here, who actually is a lady...
FORD
But it will be much funnier if it's you, sir.
SHEPPARD
This is, understandably, true.
FORD
And nobody will be able to tell about the facial hair once you have the makeup on.
SHEPPARD
...makeup?
RONON
If there's makeup, I could play Thisby. I'd speak in a tiny little voice -- [falsetto] "Pyramus, sweetie, hot-ass!"
[SHEPPARD cracks up]
MCKAY
You've only been here for two years, so you probably wouldn't have noticed, but Atlantean women aren't in the habit of calling their boyfriends "hot-ass" as a pet name.
RONON
They don't?
[Everyone else shakes their head]
RONON
Why not?
[Pachelbel -- Canon in D]
[SHEPPARD gets up, wanders into the front of the puddlejumper, and touches a console, which lights up]
FORD
[hastily] So Dr. McKay will be Pyramus, and Col. Sheppard Thisby, and Specialist Dex the lion, and I thought I could do the prologue --
MCKAY
How about I do the prologue, and one of you be Pyramus?
RONON
Isn't a prologue a scene?
ZELENKA
Except when it is a person explaining the setting of a play. The prologue in this is a speech.
[SHEPPARD reenters the back]
TEYLA
Could I make the speech?
FORD
Well... I suppose technically you could...
TEYLA
I have memorized many speeches and tales in my time.
FORD
...and the prologue has the most to say other than Pyramus.
SHEPPARD
Because in this case it's a chorus.
TEYLA
I can sing, too.
MCKAY
Other kind of chorus.
[Behind the puddlejumper, the scenery slowly begins to rotate until the sun is at the bottom and the sea at the top]
FORD
Teyla will be the prologue, McKay Pyramus, Shep-- Col. Sheppard Thisby, Dex the lion, and while there are supposed to be Thisby's mother and father and Pyramus' father in the play they don't actually have any lines, so Dex and Doc Zelenka and I can double up on those -- you can be Thisby's mother if you really want to go in drag, Dex.
MCKAY
So which did you have in mind for Radek?
LORNE [on radio]
Excuse me, sir; have you heard from Lieutenant Cadman and Dr. Brown?
MCKAY
Oh, crap.
SHEPPARD
[touches radio][suspiciously] N~o~o...
LORNE [on radio]
Because Drs. Beckett and Kavanagh and Captain Elwyn have just gone through after them.
RONON
[whispers] And who?
TEYLA
[whispers] Sora.
LORNE [on radio]
They said it wasn't urgent, but since I hadn't even heard you'd sent Cadman and Brown out till after they'd left --
SHEPPARD
I didn't send them.
MCKAY
[touches radio] Um, I might be able to shed some light on the matter...
SHEPPARD
You couldn't have told me before?
MCKAY
I was going to! We got interrupted!
ZELENKA
[touches radio] In light of everything, they planned to hide on Proculus until the Daedalus left.
LORNE [on radio]
In light of what? We've been in the North Arm since daybreak; what happened? Did they get caught or something?
SHEPPARD
They wanted to get married.
TEYLA
They wished Dr. Weir to perform the ceremony.
LORNE [on radio]
At a time like this? She's busy, she's got things on her mind, she shouldn't have to deal with something like this. Isn't that why it's been Dr. Jackson "for the duration" for the last year and a half?
FORD
That what?
MCKAY
A lot of things happened while you were out of it.
SHEPPARD
She's still part of the chain of command, and director-of-record as far as Earth's concerned. Besides, I heard they were going to ask him, but Cadman refused to help Caldwell pretend he hadn't seen them, and he's the one who wanted to meet with Elizabeth.
LORNE [on radio] AND ZELENKA
[sadly] Elizabeth...
RONON
[touches radio] This could get bad very quickly. There are too many things balanced; we need to deal with it and keep it under wraps for four more days.
TEYLA
Undoubtedly what Sora thought.
FORD
[touches radio] We are all putting on a skit at the reception, sir. Given how crowded and active Atlantis is, it would make sense for us to find a quiet spot on a protected world to rehearse.
[MCKAY's face falls]
SHEPPARD
Good thought, Lieutenant.
LORNE [on radio]
I'll leave you to it. Lorne out.
TEYLA
I understand your feelings, but this is for our people and our City.
RONON
What's on Proculus?
MCKAY
[in deep disgust] Sex goddess space bimbo.
RONON
[brightens] Really?
[MCKAY rolls his eyes, throws up his hands, catches a glimpse of the view out the puddlejumper's viewscreen, and freezes.]
MCKAY
Um... Colonel... the ocean looks like it's above us.
SHEPPARD
That'd be because I told the autopilot to fly us upside down for a while.
TEYLA
I do not feel upside down.
ZELENKA
The puddlejumpers generate their own gravity. You are not pressed into your seats or floating around when they go through space Gates, either.
MCKAY
[ignoring them] Why?
SHEPPARD
I kind of wanted to see how well the autopilot did with upside down. Our cruising speed is a little slower this way. I'd better go up and fly us in to the Gate; I remember the Proculus address, so we can just go.
MCKAY
Sure you do.
[SHEPPARD goes forward. After a moment, RONON follows him.]
RONON
Space bimbo, huh?
FORD
[quietly] If we do run into Chaya, we could probably throw Dex at her and the rest of us keep looking.
ZELENKA
And by "we," clearly you mean "mostly Teyla."
MCKAY
I don't know... it seems kind of hard on Ronon.
TEYLA
He threw Lieutenant Cadman into the corridor in her undergarments for you after their "one-night-stand" the first time she called matters off with Carson. I am sure he would not object.
ZELENKA
[feline smile] She badly needed to learn respect.
FORD
Besides, from the way he was talking in the locker room, he has a thing for redheads.
MCKAY AND TEYLA
Ronon talks in the locker room?!
[Exit puddlejumper.]
-author- Sophonisba (saphanibaal)
-warnings- Crack. Crackity crack crack. This was originally going to be part of my long AU, but the Zophonisbeion evolved beyond it, so this is, well, an AU that splits off at the beginning of Season 2, mostly. There are in fact antagonists and former antagonists throughout the piece.
-pairings- Lots. Canon het; Weir/Radim; Cadman/Brown; Kavanagh/Beckett; Ronon/Cadman; unrequited Weir/Zelenka, Weir/Lorne, and Weir/Caldwell; and Implications of all shapes, sizes, and flavors.
-spoilers- Through "McKay and Mrs. Miller."
-disclaimer- Stargate:Atlantis is not mine in any way, shape or form, unless it be that I turn out to own stock in MGM or UA or one of the lesser companies involved in some way with it. The plot and much of the dialogue should seem to be familiar to you; our Will mined other people's works for his and gleefully stole plot, setting, names and dialogue as it seemed good to him, so I doubt he would mind that I've returned the favor, particularly as his works have been public domain (as we understand the term) for over four hundred years. The plot was loosely inspired by the fic I read (but cannot remember the title or author of) where Rodney is a lesbian vector; an educational institution belonging to Gordon Korman is mentioned.
-word count- 5817
-summary- Elizabeth is getting married; Cadman wants to; (Daniel is married, and, moreover, in Atlantis;) Kavanagh and Sora are bitching; and a recently-recuperated Ford is getting his former teammates et al. to help put together a skit for the wedding reception.
Earthlier Happy;
or, A Midsummer Night's Bad Trip
[Overture: 1712 Overture -- P.D.Q. Bach]
I. i. Atlantis. The Gateroom.
[Panther Dance -- P.D.Q. Bach]
SHEPPARD
Four more days until the wedding, and not enough hours in any of them. Are we sure the Genii protesters --
SORA
They will not dare assault the city, with force or guile. We survivors have been spreading tales.
RONON
Good.
[SHEPPARD looks as if he's uncertain whether it's good or not, and then shrugs.]
FORD
I still don't see how we wound up trusting the Genii.
TEYLA
Many things occurred while you were... unwell.
[FORD winces]
FORD
I really didn't... that is, I meant...
MCKAY
If he's going to go off into another round of apologies, I'm going to go ahead and start retuning the gateroom defense laser emplacements. Let me know when it's safe to listen again.
FORD
I'm sorry.
RONON
You're doing it again.
SORA
And we can trust your security?
SHEPPARD
There will be a detachment of Marines with them at all times.
SORA
Including you?
SHEPPARD
I'm not a Marine.
FORD
I am.
SORA
You disapprove of the wedding.
FORD
You disapproved of your people's invasion.
SORA
Point.
FORD
Doesn't it seem a little... archaic, though, to seal an alliance with a marriage?
TEYLA
It is a common practice among my people.
RONON
[to MCKAY] You can listen now.
TEYLA
One of my grandmothers married into Emmagan from the Eluvans -- Orin's people -- and my people gave me to AR-1 in alliance and friendship.
FORD
Wait, wait, you're married to --
RONON
Us. The team.
MCKAY
The Athosians don't think of marriage as a contract between two people with implied sex.
TEYLA
Dr. Jackson has said that marriage among my people bears a resemblance to the ritual marriages of some world in the Milky Way --
MCKAY
P4-something-or-other; the place where they thought SG-1 consisted of O'Neill and his wives.
TEYLA
-- but that it is closer to what you would name "acceptance into the family commune" than what Tellurians or Genii conceive of as marriage.
SHEPPARD
It's another thing we found out while you were out of it, although they don't expect us to necessarily consider ourselves married to her.
FORD
I got married to Teyla and nobody told me. I feel gypped.
MCKAY
We should have at least have had a bachelor party out of the deal.
SORA
What is a "bachelor party"?
SHEPPARD
[aside] Oh, good, we won't have to provide security for it if he isn't having one.
I. ii. Same. Elizabeth Weir's Office
ELIZABETH
Four days, and every hour drags us down with more petty trivialities.
LADON
The days will soon enough melt into the nights, and the nights dream away the time. The hour of our solemnities will be on us before we know it. [takes ELIZABETH's hand]
ELIZABETH
[aside] Thank goodness I sent the Jacksons off to start organizing the parties.
[to LADON] Ladon, I -- I wooed you with our weapons, and won your love doing you injuries; but I shall wed you "in another key / With pomp, with triumph, and with revelling." [draws him closer]
CALDWELL [on radio]
Dr. Weir!
LADON
What -- ?
ELIZABETH
I forgot he scheduled an appointment for this afternoon. [touches radio] Come in!
[Enter CALDWELL, KATIE BROWN, CADMAN, and BECKETT]
CALDWELL
Good afternoon, Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH
Hello, Steven. Is there a problem?
CALDWELL
[Glances at LADON] It's something of an internal issue...
CADMAN
He can stay. It's not as if I've done anything to be ashamed of.
BECKETT
Laura, lass, I don't know that you've thought this through...
CADMAN
[ignoring him] I've already resigned my commission.
CALDWELL
And by rights --
ELIZABETH
Wait, what?
CALDWELL
The last time I was here, I was under the impression that the Lieutenant was seriously involved with Carson, here.
BECKETT
She was. We were very happy. That is, I thought we were very happy...
CADMAN
Carson, I've told you, it wasn't you. I'd say it was me, but it wasn't really that, either. It was just... [shrugs] one of those things.
BECKETT
Is this about the restraints? If I'd known it meant that much to you, I'd have tried the silly restraints.
CADMAN
Carson!
CALDWELL
So when the Daedalus arrived and he told me that she had suddenly, unaccountably broken affairs off --
CADMAN
We hadn't been on a date in a month! I thought it was obvious until McKay told Katie that Carson hadn't caught a clue.
CALDWELL
I thought, as a friend, that I would have a word with her; ask her to reconsider, whether the difference was insurmountable. But when I happened upon her, and was remarking on the sunlight in my eyes and the drawbacks of possible carelessness, Cadman told me that she had resigned that morning and had no intention of returning on the Daedalus.
ELIZABETH
[faintly] Returning?
CADMAN
Katie's making important strides in xenobotany. There's no reason she should have to throw all that over and leave just because she wants something for herself as well.
KATIE
Dr. Weir, as the representative of civilian authority in Atlantis, I ask you whether you can issue Laura and me a marriage license.
ELIZABETH
[more faintly] Marriage...?
LADON
Do Atlantis customs permit a woman to marry another?
ELIZABETH
We're a hodgepodge of cultures. Some of them do, but...
BECKETT
[at the same time] Laura, marriage is a large step. Can you really be sure you want to rush into it with someone you've not been seeing for more than a week --
CADMAN
It's been longer than that, actually. [to CALDWELL] And yes, I know, I have resigned --
CALDWELL
And there's no need for that to go outside this room! [More quietly] Lieutenant, Atlantis is, to most effects, a war zone. You'd have to rotate home and then resign. Even should the brass decide not to count it that way, once you left the military I'd have to take you back. Civilians have to be cleared by the Earth authorities. Don't do this.
CADMAN
I have done it.
CALDWELL
So un-do it!
LADON
Young woman, you should regard your commanding officer as a father, one who shaped you as surely as if you had been a wax figure.
CADMAN
My father didn't want me to join the Marines, either. He'd probably be happy if I left -- and anyway, Col. Caldwell's not my commanding officer.
CALDWELL
Where is Sheppard? I asked to meet with the both of you.
ELIZABETH
[touching radio] John?
SHEPPARD [on radio]
Sorry, Elizabeth, I'm kind of busy at the moment. Can it wait?
MCKAY [on radio]
There's this... this leak. Small leak, with the potential to blow wide open at any moment --
ZELENKA [on radio]
[cheerfully] With no warning. Very dangerous.
MCKAY [on radio]
-- so we have Col. Sheppard flying us around to it. We'll see you when we see you.
SHEPPARD [on radio]
That's about the size of it. Sheppard out.
BECKETT
A leak in what?
ELIZABETH
[grimly] I expect they'll have a report on it ready if anyone ever asks. [touching radio] Daniel?
CORRIGAN [on radio]
His wife kicked his feet out from under him and dragged him off ten minutes ago. Is it an emergency?
ELIZABETH
No, nothing serious; ask him to call me at his convenience when he gets back in.
[to others in room] Is this really as much of an issue as it appears? Laura's been here --
CALDWELL
It's a matter of discipline. Whether or not we agree with the rules, they're there for a reason, and we can't just allow people to play fast and loose with them on a whim --
CADMAN
Whim schmim. This is serious. I'm serious as a heart attack.
CALDWELL
And two months ago you were serious about Carson.
CADMAN
If you like Carson so much, why don't you let me have Katie and you marry him?
BECKETT
We're just friends -- !
CALDWELL
[at the same time] The more unprofessional behavior you demonstrate, Lieutenant, the more I question my judgment in offering you as much latitude as I have --
KATIE
Dr. Singh was allowed to bring his wife with him, even though she was a Mountie corporal before she came here, and nobody tried to send Sergeant Kaur home afterwards. You got permission to have your fiancé come, Dr. Weir; why can't I have mine here, where she's proven her worth and made herself integral to Atlantis?
LADON
Fiancé?!
ELIZABETH
Over and done with -- all of you, out! Out! I'll deal with this later. I trust you can behave like reasonable adults for four days?
ALL FOUR
Yes.
[Exeunt.]
I. iii. Same. McKay's Lab and a corridor outside it.
[In the lab, various and sundry scientists are doing various and sundry presumably scientific things. TEYLA is curled up in a blanket asleep under a lab table. ZELENKA and KAVANAGH are talking in the foreground.]
KAVANAGH
... and I can't believe he's going around hung up on her. Weren't they over months ago?
ZELENKA
It was the spices of the alpha site. They reawakened old longings. [sighs sadly] Elizabeth...
SIMPSON
Tell me about it. The Jacksons have barely been able to keep their hands off each other.
ZELENKA
They affected the Jacksons, too?
KAVANAGH
How can you tell?
SIMPSON
I suppose you have a point. [turns back to her work]
ZELENKA
I still cannot believe she is marrying the man. An alliance, yes, good, but this...
KAVANAGH
Seriously, what is it with Carson and that woman? First she turns him straight, then he breaks up with her, then he forgets he broke up with her -- okay, some of that last might be the spice, but it hasn't been making anyone else delusional, has it?
ZELENKA
I have never been delusional enough to believe that I ever had a chance. [to KAVANAGH] I do not think the Lieutenant "turned Dr. Beckett straight." He was quite smitten with Lucius, yes?
KAVANAGH
Oh, doesn't that make me feel all special.
[SORA enters.]
SORA
Dr. Kavanagh? You were going to show me...
KAVANAGH
Yes, of course, over here.
ZELENKA
You are keeping the restrictions in mind?
KAVANAGH
Unlike some people on this expedition, I'm not wilfully blind.
[Focus changes to hallway. Enter KATIE and MCKAY, walking along]
KATIE
You've been wonderfully supportive through all this, Rodney, and --
MCKAY
I only told my team the first time I caught you kissing -- and that was by accident! -- and then after that when Carson had been going on about Cadman in a misty-eyed sort of way, I told you that she might have some 'splaining to do. That's being supportive?
KATIE
Well, you didn't bring it to Col. Sheppard's attention --
MCKAY
He stuck his fingers in his ears and said "La la la, I'm-not-listening."
[KATIE stops and stares at him]
MCKAY
[defensively] I told you it was an accident!
KATIE
...anyway, you haven't been stalking me.
MCKAY
Carson's not stalking her, he's just... not taking it well.
KATIE
We feel bad for him, we really do, it's just... well, our plan should take care of that.
MCKAY
Plan all you want, but leave me out of it.
KATIE
No, see, we understand that this coming up when Caldwell's here puts all kinds of pressure on the Atlantis command staff.
MCKAY
You two couldn't have, oh, locked the door or something like sane and sensible people? Oh, wait, Cadman. I forgot.
KATIE
So we've requested leave, and we're going to go offworld until the Daedalus leaves without us.
MCKAY
...wow. That's a really special plan, and by special, I mean "unbelievably stupid." So you're going to run away like a couple of idiot teeners and probably get eaten by the Wraith... unless [snaps fingers] you're going to that shielded Planet of the Children? They're about your mental age, you should get along fine...
KATIE
Actually, we're going to stay on Proculus.
MCKAY
Cadman came up with this plan, didn't she? What, is there some sort of conspiracy, all treacherous slutty redheads stick together or something?
KATIE
Rodney.
MCKAY
I didn't mean to imply you were slutty or treacherous! I just... look, you can do so much better than Cadman, you know that?
KATIE
[mistily] Yes, but I don't want better.
MCKAY
Oh, for crying out loud! [stomps through door to labs]
[Exit KATIE]
MCKAY
Honestly! If I wanted to hear about people's troubles, I'd have gone into psychiatry and watched my brain dribble out my ears. Presumably you have all been spending your time on matters of actual import that will, oh, further the boundaries of knowledge or improve the quality of life in Atlantis?
MIKO
Yes, Doctor.
KAVANAGH
Zelenka's run the same simulation three times since this morning.
ZELENKA
I did not note all the data the first time through.
KAVANAGH
Because you're distracted. And you're getting sloppy.
MCKAY
Radek, I expected better of you.
ZELENKA
I try. I just...
TEYLA
[yawns] Is something the matter?
MCKAY
Spring is in the air, and I appear to be allergic to it. Zelenka's mooning around and missing observations, Kavanagh's being an ass --
SIMPSON
Kavanagh's always an ass.
KAVANAGH
I don't see you being a model of professional decorum yourself.
[SORA glares at SIMPSON]
MCKAY
-- and you haven't heard what Cadman and Dr. Brown have come up with.
TEYLA
They wish to marry, do they not? Is that not why we discovered a most pressing need to inspect the, ah, water intakes?
MCKAY
Well, yes -- [to ZELENKA] and thank you for covering for us on that, by the way --
ZELENKA
And now you will owe me a favor, yes?
MCKAY
-- but I meant their latest stunt. Caldwell said that he'd take them back to Earth if they insisted on getting married, and they decided to unleash their inner twelve-year-olds and run off to Proculus until he goes away.
KAVANAGH
Wow. That's... special.
MCKAY
That's what I said.
ZELENKA
Caldwell expects Elizabeth to deal with this? She should not have to, not now, not when...
SORA
And Caldwell matters because?
TEYLA
He outranks Col. Sheppard, and believes that he also outranks the other authorities in Atlantis, and thus that he is best suited to settle matters in the City when he is here.
SIMPSON
We really, really don't need another power struggle. The last one was bad enough, and that was peaceful and civilized.
ZELENKA
[sadly] Elizabeth...
MCKAY
Well! I want to hear about -- Kavanagh, I'm sure you can show Saffron there your statistics out in the hall.
SORA
My name is Sora.
KAVANAGH
McKay never remembers anyone's name for weeks. You don't want to know how long he was calling me "Kevin."
[KAVANAGH picks up his laptop; SORA and the focus lighting follow him out into the hall.]
KAVANAGH
As you see, the high-frequency rays pass with ease through many objects opaque to visible light. [hands laptop to SORA; steps to one side and soliloquizes]
[music: "The Masochism Tango" (instrumental) -- Tom Lehrer]
KAVANAGH
It's nice for some people, going around being happy all the time. I'm as smart as McKay -- well, nearly -- that is, there've been times when I was right and he was wrong -- and I'm as attractive as the next person -- well, maybe not as Teyla Emmagan or this Sora whatsname, but I'm definitely hotter than Zelenka. He has to rely on "cute" -- and I'm better in bed than Cadman, everyone says so, well, except for whatshisface from geology, decided he was incurably straight last month -- but Carson doesn't think so.
[focus shifts to SORA]
SORA
Wonders and miracles, and they hand over this knowledge without any classification because it's nothing to them. We sacrificed... so much, to keep to what we had; ours, hard won and hard held, at a price that we had to judge fair lest it be too high. I used to imagine, though I knew it would never happen, that something someday would occur and I would be required to induct Teyla into our secrets. I would have taken her by the hand, and led her below the ground, and watched as her barbarian eyes widened to see the power that her ancestors lost long ago in their brutal struggle for survival.
And then the Atlanteans came, and brushed by everything we had rebuilt out of our toil and our race's blood as so many children's science-study projects. Do they wonder that we hated them? Do they wonder that we sought, like the angry children they name us, to seize what we were owed in simple justice? I lost my world because they were too proud to give us under duress what we could not bear to ask, the gifts that they had given without warrant to Teyla and her people scrabbling in the dust, having abandoned even their homeworld.
[focus shift -- KAVANAGH]
KAVANAGH
Carson Beckett. Goddammit. I don't see what it is about the man. He's scruffy, and he dithers to ridiculous extremes over the little things and never pays attention to the big ones, and he's the most oblivious man on the planet -- on any planet -- and the sort whose epitaph winds up being "he was an intelligent man, gentle and good, and did no justice" -- and he'll suddenly throw these curve balls. Not that he knows what curve balls are, in all likelihood, but one day he'll be saying in the mess "Oh yes, I'm afraid Laura and I just aren't working out," and then after he's been busying himself with Lieutenant Ford and no time to talk to anyone, he's suddenly mooning around worse than even at the beginning, back when he broke it off with me just to date her. Well. I suppose it's not as if I ever got around to suggesting maybe being exclusive, but how can someone who's always so compassionate and empathic be so... look, I am not going to dissolve into a '60s folk-rock torch song. Not. Just... no.
-- and speaking of Ford, what are they thinking of, to reinstate him as if nothing had happened? He'd been compromised for over a year, I don't know what might have been going on out there, no one does, and they're running out the flags and singing "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again." I'd expect as much out of Dr. Weir -- for an alleged diplomat, she spends a lot of time substituting emotion for logic, doesn't she? -- but the rest of them seem to have lost their collective minds because they pulled off a miracle. This is Atlantis. If they're going to make an exception for miracles, it's going to be in effect all the time.
[focus shift -- SORA]
SORA
And if it had fallen out differently three years ago -- had they first come to us rather than Athos, we might have been allies. We might have been here where we are now years ago, and learnt through exposure the folly of antagonizing those who would be our shield and our sword to wield against the Wraith if we only let them. We would have been the ones to introduce the Atlanteans to the worlds of the galaxy, and the barbarians would have gazed in awe and wonderment to see Genii wield moldable explosives and computing machines the size of parish ledgers, and Teyla would have been dazed and abashed to know that that Sora with whom she had played girlish games was a heir of the power of the Ancestors, in company with their kith and blood.
But no, it was Teyla whom the Atlanteans honored with their friendship, and Teyla who keeps company with the most brilliant minds in the worlds, trained to disciplines we barely begin to frame, and Teyla who, despite her mockery of my people's betrothal traditions, pledged herself to alien warriors and intellectuals, bargaining for weaponry and weapon-making with the myrrh between her hips. I have found but one man among them who does not believe the suns shine out of her narrow fundament.
[focus shift -- KAVANAGH]
KAVANAGH
I thought I'd worked out that just because the mannerisms of his part of Scotland bear a strong resemblance to incurable straightness doesn't necessarily mean that they match it, and then I finally worked out that just because they don't match it doesn't mean they negate it, and then after our little encounter with Mr. Wanna-Be Goa'uld Queen I didn't know what to think -- it must have been easier for primitives, who thought Love was some sort of thing that they could blame or propitiate when things went badly. We know it's a combination of chemicals and electrical impulses in the brain, the chance result of the interaction of random factors, with no more rhyme or reason to it than the human appendix or routing respiration through the alimentary canal, and blind luck whether or not the person whose pins match your pinholes and whose pinholes fit your pins does not have yet more pinholes in their socket. We don't have enough medicines to use them for such minor traumas as -- I can't even think of a term for it that doesn't sound like something out of the mouth of a fourteen-year-old girl; and even if we did, I don't think Dr. Heightmeyer would prescribe them for me. I tried to leave, once, despite the inherent stupidity of trusting myself to a ship commanded by a known former spy; and yet I found myself compelled to come back here, by my inner masochist or something.
[focus shift -- SORA]
SORA
But we listened to our leaders when they demanded that we wipe out the stain on our honor with blood, and only succeeded in spilling our own. They lied to us and deceived us -- I followed Commander Kolya to my father's death, and to exile, and to blasphemy, and had Ladon not offered us hope and new chances, we would have been left to beg or rob our way across worlds who could not have hoped to grovel at our feet. Ladon Radim fully deserves his title of Father of the Fatherland, for he has saved us time and again, and now brings us alliance not as charity nor as pity for one defeated, but as the proper dowry due such a man as simple justice. I do not know how he courted Dr. Weir, by what mastery he persuaded her to look kindly upon him, nor whether he may see this marriage as personally as well as politically satisfying; but I will not permit any fools to interfere with it, whether they be Genii or Atlantean or Ancestors themselves!
[focus shift -- KAVANAGH]
KAVANAGH
[Absently strolling closer to SORA] This special plan of Cadman's and Brown's is doomed to failure anyway; I'll wait until they leave, and then tell Carson about it. He won't thank me for it, but he'll want to go after them himself; and I'll have the Proculus address handy, claiming to have saved it from the gate -- I'd better set up a routine to do just that, in case they're just special enough to change their minds and go to the Planet of Squalling Brats who put flowers in my hair -- and thus come along. Not that I expect anything to come of it -- I'm not delusional -- but at least I'll have the pleasure of his company there and back.
[KAVANAGH stalks offstage. The focus shifts to SORA one last time]
SORA
These foolish women; this, coming as it does, could well upset the alliance, which I will permit nothing to imperil. Dr. Beckett is known through the worlds for his timidity, and Dr. Kavanagh told me himself that he had never been to any worlds save ones well civilized and the World of Orphaned Children: I will go to them and offer my services as a tracker, for the sake and the honor of the Genii, and to spend time with Dr. Kavanagh. I don't know what he's quarrelled with Dr. Beckett about -- I hadn't thought they were particularly close; might it be this Cadman woman? At any rate, if he has no friends in the City, I might well persuade him to come home with us, to head the physics department that Ladon still regrets having to leave to his capable secretaries, to bind himself to the Genii with ties of honor and duty and perhaps blood as he does not seem to have bound himself to the Atlanteans; and either way, I shall spend time with a man who listens when I complain about Teyla.
[SORA hurries off after KAVANAGH]
I.iv. The skies of the Planet of Atlantis (possibly named Atlantica, Neo-Atlan, Lantea, or Fred).
[A puddlejumper is flying through the stratosphere; the automatic pilot has apparently been engaged, as FORD, SHEPPARD, MCKAY, TEYLA, RONON, and ZELENKA are all sitting around in the back]
[Pachelbel -- Canon in D]
FORD
Thank you so much for agreeing to do this for me -- I was surprised to find you here, Doc Z.
MCKAY
He's been depressed over Elizabeth getting married all day; I thought he might as well come and help here rather than take up space in the labs where other people are trying to do the work he's too distracted to finish.
ZELENKA
Also if I am performing in a skit, I will not have to make conversation during it.
MCKAY
That, too.
SHEPPARD
Same reason Lorne's team invented a city-exploring mission and took him off on it. I think Cadman actually suggested it to him.
MCKAY
Don't talk to me about Cadman. Have you heard about her most recent idiocy?
TEYLA
You wished us to help with entertainment at Dr. Weir and First Speaker Radim's wedding reception?
FORD
Dr. Jackson wanted me to help out -- I'm not sure if it's some sort of "ease Aiden back in" thing or a "Anthro and Linguistics is all off auditing Genii literature classes and support staff has enough to do as it is" thing, and so I was thinking that if we got five or six people together, we could have a skit ready to put on, and there's this great skit, Dr. Corrigan said it was a traditional epithalamion before he took off --
MCKAY
So tell us what the skit is and what parts you want us to play, and get to the point.
FORD
The skit is "The Most Lamentable Comedy and Most Cruel Death of Pyramus and Thisby."
TEYLA
Comedy?
SHEPPARD
It is. It's really good -- I've seen it, it's part of a longer play -- it's hysterical.
MCKAY
...this is all because Jeanie let it slip that I understudied Nick Bottom when I was at MacDonald Hall, right?
FORD
I thought it would take less of your time if you re-learned lines, sir, rather than having to learn them from scratch.
MCKAY
I could be the lion. I could do it extempore.
RONON
There's a lyon?
FORD
The lion has lines, too. Besides, Ronon should be the lion. He's got the hair for it.
TEYLA
Hair? A lyon is a beast of the family that you call "cat," and has short fur...
ZELENKA
The Ancients took the word "lyon" from a beast on our world, which also belongs to the cat family, but male lions have a ruff or mane of long hair growing out of their head.
RONON
[satisfied] Like hruknor.
SHEPPARD
You keep bringing up these hruknor.
RONON
Interesting animals. Did a class project on them in fifth level.
FORD
At any rate, you, Dr. McKay, will be Pyramus.
MCKAY
[with long suffering] Oh, all right.
RONON
This Pyramus -- is he a romantic hero or an overlord?
FORD
A romantic hero.
ZELENKA
"Who kills himself most gallantly for love."
RONON
That'd take acting. I could do it; they'd be crying into their sleeves and breaking their hearts. McKay'd be better as an overlord.
MCKAY
Oh, sure. [sourly] "I could play Ercles rarely, or a part to tear a cat in, to make all split."
TEYLA
I do not understand.
MCKAY
It's one of his lines from the full version. And anyway, Zelenka's the one who'd make an excellent Evil Overlord.
ZELENKA
No, I am the trusted lieutenant, who memorizes the list of such suggestions for Evil Overlords as "I shall keep my pet monster in a cage into which I could not accidentally stumble" and offers useful support and commentary. I have not the time for overlordship.
MCKAY
Are you still harping on that...? Go on, Ford. Tell everyone else their roles. At least I'm not going to wind up being Hippolyta this time.
SHEPPARD
[eyes light up] Hippolyta?!
MCKAY
...Jeanie didn't tell you that.
FORD
Colonel Sheppard, sir?
SHEPPARD
Yes?
FORD
You will play Thisby.
MCKAY
Hah!
RONON
Who's Thisby? Is he like Paladin?
["Have Gun, Will Travel" theme (instrumental)]
ZELENKA
Thisby is the lady that Pyramus must love.
[music snippet ends abruptly]
SHEPPARD
Are you sure you want me to play a girl, Ford? I've got five o'clock shadow, and it's not as if we don't have Teyla here, who actually is a lady...
FORD
But it will be much funnier if it's you, sir.
SHEPPARD
This is, understandably, true.
FORD
And nobody will be able to tell about the facial hair once you have the makeup on.
SHEPPARD
...makeup?
RONON
If there's makeup, I could play Thisby. I'd speak in a tiny little voice -- [falsetto] "Pyramus, sweetie, hot-ass!"
[SHEPPARD cracks up]
MCKAY
You've only been here for two years, so you probably wouldn't have noticed, but Atlantean women aren't in the habit of calling their boyfriends "hot-ass" as a pet name.
RONON
They don't?
[Everyone else shakes their head]
RONON
Why not?
[Pachelbel -- Canon in D]
[SHEPPARD gets up, wanders into the front of the puddlejumper, and touches a console, which lights up]
FORD
[hastily] So Dr. McKay will be Pyramus, and Col. Sheppard Thisby, and Specialist Dex the lion, and I thought I could do the prologue --
MCKAY
How about I do the prologue, and one of you be Pyramus?
RONON
Isn't a prologue a scene?
ZELENKA
Except when it is a person explaining the setting of a play. The prologue in this is a speech.
[SHEPPARD reenters the back]
TEYLA
Could I make the speech?
FORD
Well... I suppose technically you could...
TEYLA
I have memorized many speeches and tales in my time.
FORD
...and the prologue has the most to say other than Pyramus.
SHEPPARD
Because in this case it's a chorus.
TEYLA
I can sing, too.
MCKAY
Other kind of chorus.
[Behind the puddlejumper, the scenery slowly begins to rotate until the sun is at the bottom and the sea at the top]
FORD
Teyla will be the prologue, McKay Pyramus, Shep-- Col. Sheppard Thisby, Dex the lion, and while there are supposed to be Thisby's mother and father and Pyramus' father in the play they don't actually have any lines, so Dex and Doc Zelenka and I can double up on those -- you can be Thisby's mother if you really want to go in drag, Dex.
MCKAY
So which did you have in mind for Radek?
LORNE [on radio]
Excuse me, sir; have you heard from Lieutenant Cadman and Dr. Brown?
MCKAY
Oh, crap.
SHEPPARD
[touches radio][suspiciously] N~o~o...
LORNE [on radio]
Because Drs. Beckett and Kavanagh and Captain Elwyn have just gone through after them.
RONON
[whispers] And who?
TEYLA
[whispers] Sora.
LORNE [on radio]
They said it wasn't urgent, but since I hadn't even heard you'd sent Cadman and Brown out till after they'd left --
SHEPPARD
I didn't send them.
MCKAY
[touches radio] Um, I might be able to shed some light on the matter...
SHEPPARD
You couldn't have told me before?
MCKAY
I was going to! We got interrupted!
ZELENKA
[touches radio] In light of everything, they planned to hide on Proculus until the Daedalus left.
LORNE [on radio]
In light of what? We've been in the North Arm since daybreak; what happened? Did they get caught or something?
SHEPPARD
They wanted to get married.
TEYLA
They wished Dr. Weir to perform the ceremony.
LORNE [on radio]
At a time like this? She's busy, she's got things on her mind, she shouldn't have to deal with something like this. Isn't that why it's been Dr. Jackson "for the duration" for the last year and a half?
FORD
That what?
MCKAY
A lot of things happened while you were out of it.
SHEPPARD
She's still part of the chain of command, and director-of-record as far as Earth's concerned. Besides, I heard they were going to ask him, but Cadman refused to help Caldwell pretend he hadn't seen them, and he's the one who wanted to meet with Elizabeth.
LORNE [on radio] AND ZELENKA
[sadly] Elizabeth...
RONON
[touches radio] This could get bad very quickly. There are too many things balanced; we need to deal with it and keep it under wraps for four more days.
TEYLA
Undoubtedly what Sora thought.
FORD
[touches radio] We are all putting on a skit at the reception, sir. Given how crowded and active Atlantis is, it would make sense for us to find a quiet spot on a protected world to rehearse.
[MCKAY's face falls]
SHEPPARD
Good thought, Lieutenant.
LORNE [on radio]
I'll leave you to it. Lorne out.
TEYLA
I understand your feelings, but this is for our people and our City.
RONON
What's on Proculus?
MCKAY
[in deep disgust] Sex goddess space bimbo.
RONON
[brightens] Really?
[MCKAY rolls his eyes, throws up his hands, catches a glimpse of the view out the puddlejumper's viewscreen, and freezes.]
MCKAY
Um... Colonel... the ocean looks like it's above us.
SHEPPARD
That'd be because I told the autopilot to fly us upside down for a while.
TEYLA
I do not feel upside down.
ZELENKA
The puddlejumpers generate their own gravity. You are not pressed into your seats or floating around when they go through space Gates, either.
MCKAY
[ignoring them] Why?
SHEPPARD
I kind of wanted to see how well the autopilot did with upside down. Our cruising speed is a little slower this way. I'd better go up and fly us in to the Gate; I remember the Proculus address, so we can just go.
MCKAY
Sure you do.
[SHEPPARD goes forward. After a moment, RONON follows him.]
RONON
Space bimbo, huh?
FORD
[quietly] If we do run into Chaya, we could probably throw Dex at her and the rest of us keep looking.
ZELENKA
And by "we," clearly you mean "mostly Teyla."
MCKAY
I don't know... it seems kind of hard on Ronon.
TEYLA
He threw Lieutenant Cadman into the corridor in her undergarments for you after their "one-night-stand" the first time she called matters off with Carson. I am sure he would not object.
ZELENKA
[feline smile] She badly needed to learn respect.
FORD
Besides, from the way he was talking in the locker room, he has a thing for redheads.
MCKAY AND TEYLA
Ronon talks in the locker room?!
[Exit puddlejumper.]