Two-in-One by Foo (Amnesty 2006/Not Happening Challenge)
Title: Two-in-One
Author: Foo
Pairing: Sheppard/McKay, McKay/OFC... sort of
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: no beta, comma abuse
Summary: It started with an entry in one Ancient scientist’s journal that went something like-At last, the fruits of my labor were realized in Cerginthia, planet of the two-in-one.
Author's note: Well, this is my first fic in SGA. I also couldn't decide on which challenge to do, and it totally shows.
It started with an entry in one Ancient scientist’s journal that went something like-
At last, the fruits of my labor were realized in Cerginthia, planet of the two-in-one.
Granted it sounded like something out of a bad novel, but since the Ancient scientist also happened to be one of those involved in ZPM production, Rodney’s guts told him this was a vital piece of information.
“Only thing your guts tell you is when to eat,” Zelenka muttered, because he was a petty and jealous man. “And what is this ‘two-in-one?’ It sounds suspicious.”
“It is a loose translation,” Rodney snapped, fingers flying over his keyboard. “Obviously the Ancients won’t just leave schematics on how to build ZedPM’s lying around for every two-bit physicist to find. This is clearly just one piece of the puzzle. I’ve already pinpointed the planet he refers to and I’m sure I can convince Elizabeth to move it up the planet roster.”
“Actually, I do think the Ancients should have left instructions on ZPM production,” Zelenka mused, “I think it quite irresponsible that they didn’t.”
There really wasn’t anything to say to that so Rodney chucked a powerbar wrapper at him. It bounced off the Czech’s fuzzy head just as Sheppard slinked in the lab.
“Uh…”
“Rodney has been eating the Athosian cream cakes again,” Zelenka told Sheppard.
“Ah,” Sheppard said, eyebrows doing a stupid little dance on his forehead.
Not about to let himself be condescended to in his own lab, Rodney grabbed Sheppard headed for Elizabeth’s office, where he explained why it was absolutely necessary to visit MX2-430. Elizabeth seemed a bit hesitant about the proposal, but this was nothing out of the ordinary.
“Cerginthia, planet of the…”
“Two-in-one,” Rodney said helpfully.
“Well,” Elizabeth said with a wince, “I suppose that’s accurate enough. I believe it refers to the citizens of the planet as having some part of their bodies that serves two purposes instead the common one. Rodney, these notes are unusually vague and incomplete.” She turned to Sheppard. “If I approve the trip to MX2-430 you must exercise-“
“Caution, yes, yes, we know the drill,” Rodney said, waving a hand dismissively. “Most likely it’s a planet full of ambidextrous people.”
“Or,” Sheppard put in, “they could use their ears to both hear and smell.”
Rodney and Elizabeth stared at him.
Sheppard shrugged. “It could happen.”
*
“I’ve heard of this planet before.”
Rodney frowned at Ronon when nothing more was forthcoming. “And?”
“That’s it,” Ronon said, and checked his knives over again. Rodney gave Teyla a worried look.
“I’m afraid I do not know of Cerginthia,” she said apologetically.
“Everyone ready?” Sheppard asked, coming down the stairs and joining them in front of the gate.
“Ronon’s heard of Cerginthia,” Rodney blurted out.
Sheppard raised an eyebrow at Ronon who scowled at Rodney. Rodney resisted the urge to hide behind Sheppard and suddenly had a vivid flashback to his grade school years.
“Nothing bad,” Ronon said in a voice that really wasn’t all that reassuring, but the lure of learning how to make ZPMs overrode any of Rodney’s lingering doubts.
“Alright,” Sheppard said and nodded to Elizabeth on the balcony. A second later the gate dialed out and Sheppard stepped through, Rodney close behind him.
As usual, the first thing that Rodney noticed was the smell. In this case, the overpowering scent of a world that hasn’t yet discovered running water and indoor plumbing. Rodney hated medieval civilizations. Also, this place definitely did not look like it bore “the fruits” of some Ancient scientist’s labors.
They were in some kind of storage building: stacks of boxes, rotting hay, and what looked like broken farming tools lying on every corner of the large room. In front of them was a pimply teenager who looked normal enough, wearing a dirty tunic and snoring loudly behind a scarred wooden table, his head lolling back on his chair. Rodney exchanged looks with the rest of the team before whipping out his scanner. There was a promising spike about ten miles to the east, though it didn’t look like a ZPM. Rodney quietly said so.
Sheppard nodded and coughed loudly.
Pimples started awake. “Wha-I’m awake! I was merely resting my…” he drifted off and gaped at them, bug-eyed and open-mouthed.
Sheppard smiled his most charming smile. “Hi there, we were wondering if you could show us to your leader.”
Pimples blinked.
Rodney rolled his eyes. Thankfully, Teyla smoothly moved forward and took over. “We come in good faith from the city of the Ancestors and wish to trade goods and knowledge with your people.”
“Uh, aye!” Pimples said, jumping up and almost overturning his chair. “I shall fetch Head Ellara. Please, sit-er, stand,” he amended after seeing the lack of enough chairs, “I will take but a moment.” He bowed awkwardly and ran out through a partially open set of wooden doors.
“Well folks, what do you think?” Sheppard asked.
“I do not believe we are in any immediate danger,” Teyla answered, “it also seems that they have not met with any travelers for some time.”
“The level of technology certainly suggests the most we could go up against is an angry mob with torches and pitchforks,” Rodney added, eyeing the tools lying around, “but you never know.” Meaning the Genii.
Ronon grunted.
“Okay, we’ll take it slow until we’re sure this place is exactly what it looks like,” Sheppard decided, “no splitting up unless absolutely necessary.”
Everyone agreed and not too soon. The doors opened all the way and there stood a severe looking older woman wearing a wimple and very medieval gown. Judging by the way she was better-and cleaner-dressed than everyone else in the small mob behind her, Rodney figured she was the leader.
She strode purposefully towards them, sparing a quick look at the décor. She stopped a few feet away, and directly behind her were several men and women with swords.
Rodney dropped his hand to his side with the thigh holster and saw John and Teyla do the same.
“Greetings, travelers. I am Head Ellara; I welcome you to my home,” she said with a graceful curtsy. “Pico tells me you have come from the city of the Ancestors and wish to trade with us. ‘Tis indeed great tidings.”
“We are pleased to hear this,” Teyla said, and went on with the whole introduction spiel. Rodney smiled and nodded when it was his turn but mostly tuned it out.
“Then please, let me lead you to the main hall, where I can properly show you the hospitality of my household.” Ellara gestured and her guards fell back, though they didn’t take their hands off their sword handles, Rodney noticed.
They followed Ellara and her entourage out the building; the people that had crowded the doorway having moved aside. Rodney was more than a little nervous and he knew that Sheppard wasn’t as calm as he looked: it seemed like the entire village had turned out to look at them. They were whispering and pointing, the murmurs growing louder every second.
Ellara raised her hands and the people went silent immediately. “People of Certh, I am pleased to bring you the first travelers from beyond the portal we have seen in almost five generations. They come in peace and good faith, from the city of the Ancestors.” Lots of sudden talking here; Ellara raised her hands again. “They wish to trade with us, for goods and knowledge, and I have offered them our hospitality,” then she began introducing the team one by one. Rodney was gratified to hear an approving murmur from the crowd at ‘the good Doctor McKay.’ “Let us make them welcome, as their patronage can only bring good fortune to our lands.”
Immediately the villagers broke out in loud cheers, throwing hats into the air. They surged forward as Ellara led the team forward towards a big stone fortress type building, and now it looked like the guards were there to keep the villagers from smothering them. Rodney could not help but approve.
“They seem friendly enough!” Rodney yelled to Sheppard, who was staring at some point to his right.
“Uh, yeah!” Sheppard yelled back, not looking at Rodney. Rodney frowned and looked at where Sheppard was looking and saw two extremely well-endowed young women bending forward and rearranging their breasts inside their tops.
“Oh my god!” Rodney yelled, unable to look away. Was that a nipple? That was a nipple!
Ronon stepped alongside them and declared: “I like this place.”
*
Apparently, hospitality in the township of Certh included a traditional bath. That is, important guests were bathed by the Head of the manor and her attendants. While Rodney did not have anything against this, per se, smiling at the giggling women around them, Teyla had other ideas. John, too, was quick to back Teyla up on this, and Rodney was definitely surprised.
“I didn’t think you of all people would object,” Rodney hissed, staring glumly as the women left with the men that brought in the copper bathtubs.
“I think you’re missing a very important point, Rodney,” Sheppard hissed back.
Rodney thought about this. All four of them were led to one large room dominated by a bed the size of a football field. “Oh,” Rodney said, glancing at Teyla. “We would have all had to take our baths here, huh.”
Ellara entered the room, this time accompanied by a thin teenager in a tunic and hose who looked like a younger, prettier version of her. “This is my firstborn, Ganlyn. Ganlyn is to be married in a days’ time; I would be very much honored if you will consent to be present for the ceremony.” Seeing Sheppard look skeptically at the team, Ellara added, “it would bring great honor to my people, and we would be most grateful.”
“Well, you see,” Rodney said, “we’d love to bring honor to your, uh, firstborn’s marriage. But we’re here to do some trading and also to take a look at the source of the energy spike around here. Really, much too busy to bless a marriage.”
Teyla quickly stepped forward. “What Doctor McKay means, Head Ellara, is that we are here to trade, yes, but to also to strengthen our resources against the Wraith.” Teyla paused to let this sink in. Ellara stiffly nodded; Ganlyn winced. “To this end,” Teyla continued, “we would like to inspect any materials or artifacts that the Ancestors left in your people’s care.”
“I see,” Ellara said, pursing her lips.
“There looks like there’s something from the Ancestors about ten miles from here-to the east,” Rodney said helpfully, and ignored Teyla’s mildly exasperated look.
Ellara looked at Rodney consideringly. “Yes, that is certainly an ‘artifact’ of the Ancestors. We call it the Tower of Cista; it is where all marriages are traditionally consummated.”
“What? That is the most-“ Rodney grunted when Sheppard elbowed him in the ribs. God, Sheppard had bony elbows.
“Can we visit the Tower of Cista?” Sheppard asked with a smile.
Ellara did not smile back. “The Tower is a sacred place, and only those couples wherein the bride is pure can enter to consummate their marriage.”
“Oh,” Sheppard said weakly. “And by pure you mean…”
“A virgin,” Ganlyn offered, speaking for the first time.
“Thank you,” Teyla said, glancing at the rest of the team. “We shall need to discuss these matters with our own Head, in Atlantis. We will give you our answer soon.”
“Will you need the services of a messenger?”
“No, thank you.”
“Very well,” Ellara said, “I shall see you all for the evening meal in two hours’ time. I will send Ganlyn for you then.”
Teyla bowed, and Ellara and her son left.
“Okay, I say we break into this ‘tower’ and take a look,” Rodney said as soon as the door was closed.
“Rodney,” Teyla admonished.
“Oh, come on. What’s the problem? Do you honestly believe something bad is going to happen if any non-virgins go inside their precious Tower?”
“Well, we are talking about the Ancient’s here. You never know.”
“Oh, thank you, Colonel Sheppard, for that remarkable bit of insight.”
Sheppard shrugged. “I’m just saying we need more info.”
Rodney made a face.
“There might also be some other way to gain entrance to the Tower without offending the people of Certh,” Teyla pointed out.
“They seem pretty stuck on the virgin bit, though,” Ronon said, looking at Rodney pointedly.
“Hey! I happen to definitely not be a virgin, I’ll have you know. I resent that look.”
Sheppard coughed. “How about let’s check in with Atlantis.”
*
Predictably enough, Elizabeth told them to be careful and use their best judgment. She also said that she and the anthropologists were searching for more references to the planet Cerginthia in the Ancient database even though Rodney already assured her that they looked perfectly human.
“Um…”
“Oh, what?” Rodney snapped at Sheppard. “I did notice that they had a nose and two ears and use them the same way we do.”
Sheppard looked at Rodney for a second and shook his head. “It’s nothing,” he told Elizabeth, “we’ll keep you posted.”
Ganlyn came for them soon after and led them down to the incredibly large and drafty main hall. Ganlyn asked them what the city of the Ancestors was like and Rodney was happy enough to enlighten him, and also to make sure that he would not be served any citrus at dinner.
“Citrus? But summer has just begun,” Ganlyn said, confused. “The orangeries will not begin harvest until fall.” When Rodney told him that fruits were generally available year-round in Atlantis (well, depending on Daedalus visits, but Rodney didn’t want to get into that), Ganlyn’s eyes got bigger than they’d ever been, larger even than when Rodney described the transporters. “Fruit that is constantly in season? Truly, the land of the Ancestors must be a magical place.”
Rodney snorted. “Yeah, sure. Magical.”
Dinner was clearly a big deal around here, judging by the way the whole hall was crammed to the ceiling with people, all of whom seemed to be staring at the “honored travelers.” Ganlyn led the team to the table at the very front, sitting them beside Ellara and a bunch of important-i.e., better dressed-people. As soon as they sat down, Ellara made some kind of gesture and a whole parade of people poured into the hall carrying huge platters heavy with steaming food, to the enthusiastic cheers of the diners.
“These are certainly a bunch of happy people,” Rodney muttered to Sheppard beside him as a big chunk of meat in some kind of sauce was placed in front of them. “Wow, that smells amazing.”
“Maybe they just like their food, like some people I know,” Sheppard drawled.
“What?” Rodney didn’t look up from trying to find his fork around his plate. “Hey, I think someone forgot to give me cutlery. How am I supposed to eat this?” he asked just as Ronon on his other side unsheathed a knife that was only mildly scary and hacked at the meat. Rodney gaped and noticed that all the other natives were pretty much doing the caveman thing also. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!”
“Is the food not to your liking?” Ellara asked from beyond Sheppard’s hair.
“Er, no-I mean, it’s fine,” Rodney assured her, smiling weakly. “I’m just, uh, preparing myself.”
“Here, McKay,” Ronon said, handing him one of his knives hilt first.
Rodney looked at it suspiciously. “This didn’t come out of your hair, did it?”
When Ronon just looked at him blandly, Rodney decided to use his own field knife. At least he was sure where exactly it’s been.
The rest of the meal passed pleasantly enough, and Rodney had to admit he liked the food. He still had Sheppard take a bite out of everything he put on his plate, of course, because he didn’t get to live this long being an idiot. At one point he thought he saw some of the natives look at him oddly, but couldn’t really care all that much because he was too busy enjoying the view. One of the serving wenches seemed to make it a point to bend over right in front of him every time she put down a dish, and Rodney could practically see her navel.
“Rodney,” Sheppard hissed.
“What?” Rodney asked him, “don’t pretend you’re not looking. And I’m sure she finds it a compliment.” He smiled at the serving wench, who also had very pretty brown eyes, and she giggled. Sometimes Rodney loved being an intergalactic explorer.
After the meal some guy with a lute-type instrument came in and started singing. Since Rodney was pleasantly full, he felt content enough to politely pretend to listen. Finally, Ganlyn took them to their room again: Sheppard had told Ellara during dinner that they would be pleased to stay for the wedding.
“Wait a minute,” Rodney said when Ganlyn bid them goodnight. “You mean I have to sleep in the same bed with them?”
“Doctor McKay-“ Teyla began.
“No, no. I refuse to wake up smothered to death,” Rodney said, pointedly looking at Ronon.
“Oh! I did not realize-“ Ganlyn exclaimed, blushing. “My most sincere apologies. Of course, private accommodation can be provided for you, doctor.”
“Thank you,” Rodney said smugly, gratified.
“Uh, Rodney,” Sheppard said, reaching for Rodney’s arm.
“Oh, don’t worry, Colonel, I promise to come back to you whole and in one piece,” Rodney assured him. Ganlyn let out an odd little squeak.
“Yes, the doctor will be perfectly safe, I swear it,” Ganlyn said earnestly. He turned for the door. “This way please.”
“I’ll keep my radio on,” Rodney said with a wave and followed Ganlyn down the hallway. A long way down the hallway, it turned out, and Rodney shook off a vague feeling of apprehension as they passed by one shadowed doorway after another. Finally Ganlyn stopped by a set of double doors that looked a bit more intricate than the rest. There were also a couple of burly guards posted in front of it who looked at Rodney with raised eyebrows.
“Here we are,” Ganlyn said and gestured at the guards. “These are Urel and Jagge; they keep us safe. I have given my word that the doctor will be returned to his Colonel Sheppard intact,” he told them severely.
One of the guards smothered a chuckle. “Oh, aye,” the other one grunted.
Something told Rodney he was missing a vital piece of information, but couldn’t figure it out before he was ushered inside the room. It was bigger than the bedchamber Ellara had given the team, but this one was divided into small sections which Rodney realized were cubicles with barely enough space for a bed the same size as his own in Atlantis. Ganlyn showed him to an empty cubicle.
“I sleep to your left,” he whispered, since most of the beds were occupied by snoring lumps.
Rodney eyed the bed balefully and regretted saying he wanted his own; even if he was smothered to death come morning, at least he would have had room to stretch out. “Okay, thanks.”
Ganlyn smiled in the faint moonlight coming from the small windows set high on the walls. “Sleep well, good doctor.”
“Goodnight,” Rodney muttered, and the two of them went into their respective cubicles. Rodney went to sleep after a few minutes of wrestling with his gear, grateful that the bed was comfortable, if a bit cramped. He woke up sometime later however, and thought that the one good thing about camping is that there were always a lot of convenient bushes around.
Thankfully, finding the bathroom-or the garderobe in this case; God he hated medieval civilizations-was as simple as asking one of the guards. Rodney was only able to get through the experience by holding his breath and wondering why the hell they were using the place to store what looked like their clothes.
It was while Rodney was staggering away from the garderobe that someone bodychecked him into the wall. Rodney grunted, scrambled for his thigh holster, and was just about to kill the bastard when he realized the bastard had a huge rack. “What-“
“Good eve, good doctor,” a breathy voice slurred by his ear, practically knocking him out with the smell of alcohol.
Rodney squinted in the dim light and made out the vaguely familiar features of… “The serving wench?” he croaked, “uh, I mean, miss-“
The serving wench laughed. “Oh yes, I am indeed a… serving wench,” she said, and kissed him.
Rodney often thought that being the smartest man in two galaxies should entitle to him to getting attacked by people in a lustful frenzy, but it wasn’t like he really expected this to actually happen. Nevertheless, when faced with this kind of situation, he thought it was best to be polite; he kissed the wench back. The alcohol breath was only mildly off-putting and nothing he hadn’t encountered in college, anyway.
The wench moaned and rubbed herself against him, and wow, this was so, so awesome. Breasts! Big breasts!
Rodney promised himself to stop in a minute-just until he was able to get bit more jerk off material. He reached down to move the wench’s eating knife so that it wasn’t poking at him in the thigh, only it didn’t really feel like a knife sheath. Rodney tore his mouth from the wench and groped it a bit, confused.
The wench moaned, loudly.
Enlightenment dawned.
Rodney screamed.
*
It wasn’t until later, when Rodney was sprawled face-down in the center of the big bed Ellara gave the team that it all came out. So to speak.
Planet of the two-in-one, good god.
“It seems as though the Ancient scientist who was in charge of cultivating this planet considered hermaphroditism as the next step in human evolution,” Teyla was saying, “According to the file Elizabeth found, all humans would begin life as a ‘man’ by default though they have both sets of genitalia.”
“But after their… first time,” Sheppard continued, in a tone of voice that Rodney perceived to be unnecessarily smug, the bastard, “they acquire the obvious physical characteristics associated with the, uh, position they filled. You know, deep voice and chest hair if they were on top, breasts if they were-“
“Yes, yes, I get it!” Rodney snapped, getting up. He shot a glare at Ronon, who hadn’t stopped snickering since he’d burst into the room and could not, unfortunately, stop his mouth from telling all. “What I don’t understand is why you didn’t let me know this invaluable piece of information, oh, when you found out!”
“We only found out ourselves a few minutes before you came in here yelling about breasts with-“
“Alright!” Rodney humphed and narrowed his eyes at Sheppard. “Was there anything else that you think I might need to know?”
“Well, Elizabeth also said that this planet was uninhabitable until the Ancients terraformed it using towers that control the weather. Rodney, I was going to radio you-“
“Yes, alright,” Rodney grudgingly admitted, “I knew that.” He shot Sheppard a look that was only mildly venomous, and Sheppard smiled back at him. “But you definitely knew something was up. I know you did.”
“Uh, well, Rodney,” Sheppard said, scratching the back of his head, “it’s not everyday you see someone in a skirt do her business standing up.”
Rodney collapsed back on the bed. “This galaxy hates me.”
There was a perfunctory knock on the door and they all turned to see Ellara walk in followed by Ganlyn and the serving wench. Ellara looked instantly relieved when she saw Rodney on the bed.
“Doctor McKay, you cannot imagine my relief to see you are here, safe,” she said, quickly striding forward and clasping one of Rodney’s hands. “When Ganlyn informed me you could not be found after Bando accosted you-“ she shot a glare at the wench, who shrinked back “-I feared for the worst.”
“Uh…”
“You must rest assured that my house meant no disrespect to your person,” she continued earnestly, “I truly hope that the incident earlier did not… rob you of your purity.”
“My what?” Rodney squawked and sat up quickly. Somewhere beyond the bed, Ronon snorted.
Sheppard coughed. “Ah, no, Head Ellara, thankfully Rodney returned to us… as pure as he left.” He smirked, the bastard.
“Thank the Ancestors,” Ellara said, closing her eyes for a moment before fixing a firm gaze at Rodney. “Nevertheless, my people have brought a great insult to you, good doctor,” she turned to Sheppard, “and to you as well, Colonel Sheppard, as his betrothed.”
“My what?”
Sheppard looked dumbstruck. “I believe there’s been some-“
“You must allow us to make amends for this gross breach of hospitality,” Ellara declared. “With your permission, Colonel Sheppard, I will settle upon Doctor McKay a third of Ganlyn’s dowry, and will also make provisions for your wedding.” Ganlyn paled but remained silent. Ellara seemed gratified at the openmouthed expressions on the team’s faces. “In a situation such as this, I am sure that a hasty ceremony will not be frowned upon: you can marry alongside Ganlyn and Tav.”
“No!” Rodney and Sheppard yelled. Ellara looked stricken.
“I of course understand if you wish for heavier compensation-“
“Head Ellara,” Teyla said quickly, sounding only a little strained, “I believe what Colonel Sheppard and Doctor McKay meant is that they perceive no insult in the events that occurred this night.” She smiled reassuringly at Ellara, who looked skeptical but hopeful. “There is no need for compensation, truly.”
Ellara frowned, but it was clear practicality won over a guilty conscience. “If Colonel Sheppard and Doctor McKay wishes it-“
“Oh definitely!”
“Yes, no insult here.”
“Really, just a big misunderstanding. Could happen to anyone.”
“No need to put yourselves out.”
Ellara looked between Rodney and Sheppard and nodded slowly. “Very well, if you are certain,” she said, clearly doubting her good fortune at the narrow escape of providing a dowry for Rodney. “You are truly generous and kind.” When it looked like the team didn’t have anything else to say, she said, “Well, we shall leave you to your rest. Doctor McKay, Ganlyn will escort you to the Chamber of Chastity.”
Rodney thought he was going to be sick.
“Ah, I think we’ll keep an eye on Doctor McKay for the rest of the night, thanks,” Sheppard choked out and Rodney nodded vigorously.
Ellara looked doubtful, but obviously did not want to press her luck. She left. Ganlyn threw Rodney a very grateful smile on his way out.
They all stared at each other for a few seconds.
“If any of you,” Rodney began, giving them his best glare.
“Oh, our lips are sealed,” Sheppard assured him.
“Most certainly,” Teyla said.
Ronon grinned.
*
Of course Rodney was not surprised to one day find the door to his room decorated with flowers, multicolored blinking lights, and a large sign that read, “The Chamber of Chastity” in curling script.
He really hated his life sometimes.
Author: Foo
Pairing: Sheppard/McKay, McKay/OFC... sort of
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: no beta, comma abuse
Summary: It started with an entry in one Ancient scientist’s journal that went something like-At last, the fruits of my labor were realized in Cerginthia, planet of the two-in-one.
Author's note: Well, this is my first fic in SGA. I also couldn't decide on which challenge to do, and it totally shows.
It started with an entry in one Ancient scientist’s journal that went something like-
At last, the fruits of my labor were realized in Cerginthia, planet of the two-in-one.
Granted it sounded like something out of a bad novel, but since the Ancient scientist also happened to be one of those involved in ZPM production, Rodney’s guts told him this was a vital piece of information.
“Only thing your guts tell you is when to eat,” Zelenka muttered, because he was a petty and jealous man. “And what is this ‘two-in-one?’ It sounds suspicious.”
“It is a loose translation,” Rodney snapped, fingers flying over his keyboard. “Obviously the Ancients won’t just leave schematics on how to build ZedPM’s lying around for every two-bit physicist to find. This is clearly just one piece of the puzzle. I’ve already pinpointed the planet he refers to and I’m sure I can convince Elizabeth to move it up the planet roster.”
“Actually, I do think the Ancients should have left instructions on ZPM production,” Zelenka mused, “I think it quite irresponsible that they didn’t.”
There really wasn’t anything to say to that so Rodney chucked a powerbar wrapper at him. It bounced off the Czech’s fuzzy head just as Sheppard slinked in the lab.
“Uh…”
“Rodney has been eating the Athosian cream cakes again,” Zelenka told Sheppard.
“Ah,” Sheppard said, eyebrows doing a stupid little dance on his forehead.
Not about to let himself be condescended to in his own lab, Rodney grabbed Sheppard headed for Elizabeth’s office, where he explained why it was absolutely necessary to visit MX2-430. Elizabeth seemed a bit hesitant about the proposal, but this was nothing out of the ordinary.
“Cerginthia, planet of the…”
“Two-in-one,” Rodney said helpfully.
“Well,” Elizabeth said with a wince, “I suppose that’s accurate enough. I believe it refers to the citizens of the planet as having some part of their bodies that serves two purposes instead the common one. Rodney, these notes are unusually vague and incomplete.” She turned to Sheppard. “If I approve the trip to MX2-430 you must exercise-“
“Caution, yes, yes, we know the drill,” Rodney said, waving a hand dismissively. “Most likely it’s a planet full of ambidextrous people.”
“Or,” Sheppard put in, “they could use their ears to both hear and smell.”
Rodney and Elizabeth stared at him.
Sheppard shrugged. “It could happen.”
*
“I’ve heard of this planet before.”
Rodney frowned at Ronon when nothing more was forthcoming. “And?”
“That’s it,” Ronon said, and checked his knives over again. Rodney gave Teyla a worried look.
“I’m afraid I do not know of Cerginthia,” she said apologetically.
“Everyone ready?” Sheppard asked, coming down the stairs and joining them in front of the gate.
“Ronon’s heard of Cerginthia,” Rodney blurted out.
Sheppard raised an eyebrow at Ronon who scowled at Rodney. Rodney resisted the urge to hide behind Sheppard and suddenly had a vivid flashback to his grade school years.
“Nothing bad,” Ronon said in a voice that really wasn’t all that reassuring, but the lure of learning how to make ZPMs overrode any of Rodney’s lingering doubts.
“Alright,” Sheppard said and nodded to Elizabeth on the balcony. A second later the gate dialed out and Sheppard stepped through, Rodney close behind him.
As usual, the first thing that Rodney noticed was the smell. In this case, the overpowering scent of a world that hasn’t yet discovered running water and indoor plumbing. Rodney hated medieval civilizations. Also, this place definitely did not look like it bore “the fruits” of some Ancient scientist’s labors.
They were in some kind of storage building: stacks of boxes, rotting hay, and what looked like broken farming tools lying on every corner of the large room. In front of them was a pimply teenager who looked normal enough, wearing a dirty tunic and snoring loudly behind a scarred wooden table, his head lolling back on his chair. Rodney exchanged looks with the rest of the team before whipping out his scanner. There was a promising spike about ten miles to the east, though it didn’t look like a ZPM. Rodney quietly said so.
Sheppard nodded and coughed loudly.
Pimples started awake. “Wha-I’m awake! I was merely resting my…” he drifted off and gaped at them, bug-eyed and open-mouthed.
Sheppard smiled his most charming smile. “Hi there, we were wondering if you could show us to your leader.”
Pimples blinked.
Rodney rolled his eyes. Thankfully, Teyla smoothly moved forward and took over. “We come in good faith from the city of the Ancestors and wish to trade goods and knowledge with your people.”
“Uh, aye!” Pimples said, jumping up and almost overturning his chair. “I shall fetch Head Ellara. Please, sit-er, stand,” he amended after seeing the lack of enough chairs, “I will take but a moment.” He bowed awkwardly and ran out through a partially open set of wooden doors.
“Well folks, what do you think?” Sheppard asked.
“I do not believe we are in any immediate danger,” Teyla answered, “it also seems that they have not met with any travelers for some time.”
“The level of technology certainly suggests the most we could go up against is an angry mob with torches and pitchforks,” Rodney added, eyeing the tools lying around, “but you never know.” Meaning the Genii.
Ronon grunted.
“Okay, we’ll take it slow until we’re sure this place is exactly what it looks like,” Sheppard decided, “no splitting up unless absolutely necessary.”
Everyone agreed and not too soon. The doors opened all the way and there stood a severe looking older woman wearing a wimple and very medieval gown. Judging by the way she was better-and cleaner-dressed than everyone else in the small mob behind her, Rodney figured she was the leader.
She strode purposefully towards them, sparing a quick look at the décor. She stopped a few feet away, and directly behind her were several men and women with swords.
Rodney dropped his hand to his side with the thigh holster and saw John and Teyla do the same.
“Greetings, travelers. I am Head Ellara; I welcome you to my home,” she said with a graceful curtsy. “Pico tells me you have come from the city of the Ancestors and wish to trade with us. ‘Tis indeed great tidings.”
“We are pleased to hear this,” Teyla said, and went on with the whole introduction spiel. Rodney smiled and nodded when it was his turn but mostly tuned it out.
“Then please, let me lead you to the main hall, where I can properly show you the hospitality of my household.” Ellara gestured and her guards fell back, though they didn’t take their hands off their sword handles, Rodney noticed.
They followed Ellara and her entourage out the building; the people that had crowded the doorway having moved aside. Rodney was more than a little nervous and he knew that Sheppard wasn’t as calm as he looked: it seemed like the entire village had turned out to look at them. They were whispering and pointing, the murmurs growing louder every second.
Ellara raised her hands and the people went silent immediately. “People of Certh, I am pleased to bring you the first travelers from beyond the portal we have seen in almost five generations. They come in peace and good faith, from the city of the Ancestors.” Lots of sudden talking here; Ellara raised her hands again. “They wish to trade with us, for goods and knowledge, and I have offered them our hospitality,” then she began introducing the team one by one. Rodney was gratified to hear an approving murmur from the crowd at ‘the good Doctor McKay.’ “Let us make them welcome, as their patronage can only bring good fortune to our lands.”
Immediately the villagers broke out in loud cheers, throwing hats into the air. They surged forward as Ellara led the team forward towards a big stone fortress type building, and now it looked like the guards were there to keep the villagers from smothering them. Rodney could not help but approve.
“They seem friendly enough!” Rodney yelled to Sheppard, who was staring at some point to his right.
“Uh, yeah!” Sheppard yelled back, not looking at Rodney. Rodney frowned and looked at where Sheppard was looking and saw two extremely well-endowed young women bending forward and rearranging their breasts inside their tops.
“Oh my god!” Rodney yelled, unable to look away. Was that a nipple? That was a nipple!
Ronon stepped alongside them and declared: “I like this place.”
*
Apparently, hospitality in the township of Certh included a traditional bath. That is, important guests were bathed by the Head of the manor and her attendants. While Rodney did not have anything against this, per se, smiling at the giggling women around them, Teyla had other ideas. John, too, was quick to back Teyla up on this, and Rodney was definitely surprised.
“I didn’t think you of all people would object,” Rodney hissed, staring glumly as the women left with the men that brought in the copper bathtubs.
“I think you’re missing a very important point, Rodney,” Sheppard hissed back.
Rodney thought about this. All four of them were led to one large room dominated by a bed the size of a football field. “Oh,” Rodney said, glancing at Teyla. “We would have all had to take our baths here, huh.”
Ellara entered the room, this time accompanied by a thin teenager in a tunic and hose who looked like a younger, prettier version of her. “This is my firstborn, Ganlyn. Ganlyn is to be married in a days’ time; I would be very much honored if you will consent to be present for the ceremony.” Seeing Sheppard look skeptically at the team, Ellara added, “it would bring great honor to my people, and we would be most grateful.”
“Well, you see,” Rodney said, “we’d love to bring honor to your, uh, firstborn’s marriage. But we’re here to do some trading and also to take a look at the source of the energy spike around here. Really, much too busy to bless a marriage.”
Teyla quickly stepped forward. “What Doctor McKay means, Head Ellara, is that we are here to trade, yes, but to also to strengthen our resources against the Wraith.” Teyla paused to let this sink in. Ellara stiffly nodded; Ganlyn winced. “To this end,” Teyla continued, “we would like to inspect any materials or artifacts that the Ancestors left in your people’s care.”
“I see,” Ellara said, pursing her lips.
“There looks like there’s something from the Ancestors about ten miles from here-to the east,” Rodney said helpfully, and ignored Teyla’s mildly exasperated look.
Ellara looked at Rodney consideringly. “Yes, that is certainly an ‘artifact’ of the Ancestors. We call it the Tower of Cista; it is where all marriages are traditionally consummated.”
“What? That is the most-“ Rodney grunted when Sheppard elbowed him in the ribs. God, Sheppard had bony elbows.
“Can we visit the Tower of Cista?” Sheppard asked with a smile.
Ellara did not smile back. “The Tower is a sacred place, and only those couples wherein the bride is pure can enter to consummate their marriage.”
“Oh,” Sheppard said weakly. “And by pure you mean…”
“A virgin,” Ganlyn offered, speaking for the first time.
“Thank you,” Teyla said, glancing at the rest of the team. “We shall need to discuss these matters with our own Head, in Atlantis. We will give you our answer soon.”
“Will you need the services of a messenger?”
“No, thank you.”
“Very well,” Ellara said, “I shall see you all for the evening meal in two hours’ time. I will send Ganlyn for you then.”
Teyla bowed, and Ellara and her son left.
“Okay, I say we break into this ‘tower’ and take a look,” Rodney said as soon as the door was closed.
“Rodney,” Teyla admonished.
“Oh, come on. What’s the problem? Do you honestly believe something bad is going to happen if any non-virgins go inside their precious Tower?”
“Well, we are talking about the Ancient’s here. You never know.”
“Oh, thank you, Colonel Sheppard, for that remarkable bit of insight.”
Sheppard shrugged. “I’m just saying we need more info.”
Rodney made a face.
“There might also be some other way to gain entrance to the Tower without offending the people of Certh,” Teyla pointed out.
“They seem pretty stuck on the virgin bit, though,” Ronon said, looking at Rodney pointedly.
“Hey! I happen to definitely not be a virgin, I’ll have you know. I resent that look.”
Sheppard coughed. “How about let’s check in with Atlantis.”
*
Predictably enough, Elizabeth told them to be careful and use their best judgment. She also said that she and the anthropologists were searching for more references to the planet Cerginthia in the Ancient database even though Rodney already assured her that they looked perfectly human.
“Um…”
“Oh, what?” Rodney snapped at Sheppard. “I did notice that they had a nose and two ears and use them the same way we do.”
Sheppard looked at Rodney for a second and shook his head. “It’s nothing,” he told Elizabeth, “we’ll keep you posted.”
Ganlyn came for them soon after and led them down to the incredibly large and drafty main hall. Ganlyn asked them what the city of the Ancestors was like and Rodney was happy enough to enlighten him, and also to make sure that he would not be served any citrus at dinner.
“Citrus? But summer has just begun,” Ganlyn said, confused. “The orangeries will not begin harvest until fall.” When Rodney told him that fruits were generally available year-round in Atlantis (well, depending on Daedalus visits, but Rodney didn’t want to get into that), Ganlyn’s eyes got bigger than they’d ever been, larger even than when Rodney described the transporters. “Fruit that is constantly in season? Truly, the land of the Ancestors must be a magical place.”
Rodney snorted. “Yeah, sure. Magical.”
Dinner was clearly a big deal around here, judging by the way the whole hall was crammed to the ceiling with people, all of whom seemed to be staring at the “honored travelers.” Ganlyn led the team to the table at the very front, sitting them beside Ellara and a bunch of important-i.e., better dressed-people. As soon as they sat down, Ellara made some kind of gesture and a whole parade of people poured into the hall carrying huge platters heavy with steaming food, to the enthusiastic cheers of the diners.
“These are certainly a bunch of happy people,” Rodney muttered to Sheppard beside him as a big chunk of meat in some kind of sauce was placed in front of them. “Wow, that smells amazing.”
“Maybe they just like their food, like some people I know,” Sheppard drawled.
“What?” Rodney didn’t look up from trying to find his fork around his plate. “Hey, I think someone forgot to give me cutlery. How am I supposed to eat this?” he asked just as Ronon on his other side unsheathed a knife that was only mildly scary and hacked at the meat. Rodney gaped and noticed that all the other natives were pretty much doing the caveman thing also. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!”
“Is the food not to your liking?” Ellara asked from beyond Sheppard’s hair.
“Er, no-I mean, it’s fine,” Rodney assured her, smiling weakly. “I’m just, uh, preparing myself.”
“Here, McKay,” Ronon said, handing him one of his knives hilt first.
Rodney looked at it suspiciously. “This didn’t come out of your hair, did it?”
When Ronon just looked at him blandly, Rodney decided to use his own field knife. At least he was sure where exactly it’s been.
The rest of the meal passed pleasantly enough, and Rodney had to admit he liked the food. He still had Sheppard take a bite out of everything he put on his plate, of course, because he didn’t get to live this long being an idiot. At one point he thought he saw some of the natives look at him oddly, but couldn’t really care all that much because he was too busy enjoying the view. One of the serving wenches seemed to make it a point to bend over right in front of him every time she put down a dish, and Rodney could practically see her navel.
“Rodney,” Sheppard hissed.
“What?” Rodney asked him, “don’t pretend you’re not looking. And I’m sure she finds it a compliment.” He smiled at the serving wench, who also had very pretty brown eyes, and she giggled. Sometimes Rodney loved being an intergalactic explorer.
After the meal some guy with a lute-type instrument came in and started singing. Since Rodney was pleasantly full, he felt content enough to politely pretend to listen. Finally, Ganlyn took them to their room again: Sheppard had told Ellara during dinner that they would be pleased to stay for the wedding.
“Wait a minute,” Rodney said when Ganlyn bid them goodnight. “You mean I have to sleep in the same bed with them?”
“Doctor McKay-“ Teyla began.
“No, no. I refuse to wake up smothered to death,” Rodney said, pointedly looking at Ronon.
“Oh! I did not realize-“ Ganlyn exclaimed, blushing. “My most sincere apologies. Of course, private accommodation can be provided for you, doctor.”
“Thank you,” Rodney said smugly, gratified.
“Uh, Rodney,” Sheppard said, reaching for Rodney’s arm.
“Oh, don’t worry, Colonel, I promise to come back to you whole and in one piece,” Rodney assured him. Ganlyn let out an odd little squeak.
“Yes, the doctor will be perfectly safe, I swear it,” Ganlyn said earnestly. He turned for the door. “This way please.”
“I’ll keep my radio on,” Rodney said with a wave and followed Ganlyn down the hallway. A long way down the hallway, it turned out, and Rodney shook off a vague feeling of apprehension as they passed by one shadowed doorway after another. Finally Ganlyn stopped by a set of double doors that looked a bit more intricate than the rest. There were also a couple of burly guards posted in front of it who looked at Rodney with raised eyebrows.
“Here we are,” Ganlyn said and gestured at the guards. “These are Urel and Jagge; they keep us safe. I have given my word that the doctor will be returned to his Colonel Sheppard intact,” he told them severely.
One of the guards smothered a chuckle. “Oh, aye,” the other one grunted.
Something told Rodney he was missing a vital piece of information, but couldn’t figure it out before he was ushered inside the room. It was bigger than the bedchamber Ellara had given the team, but this one was divided into small sections which Rodney realized were cubicles with barely enough space for a bed the same size as his own in Atlantis. Ganlyn showed him to an empty cubicle.
“I sleep to your left,” he whispered, since most of the beds were occupied by snoring lumps.
Rodney eyed the bed balefully and regretted saying he wanted his own; even if he was smothered to death come morning, at least he would have had room to stretch out. “Okay, thanks.”
Ganlyn smiled in the faint moonlight coming from the small windows set high on the walls. “Sleep well, good doctor.”
“Goodnight,” Rodney muttered, and the two of them went into their respective cubicles. Rodney went to sleep after a few minutes of wrestling with his gear, grateful that the bed was comfortable, if a bit cramped. He woke up sometime later however, and thought that the one good thing about camping is that there were always a lot of convenient bushes around.
Thankfully, finding the bathroom-or the garderobe in this case; God he hated medieval civilizations-was as simple as asking one of the guards. Rodney was only able to get through the experience by holding his breath and wondering why the hell they were using the place to store what looked like their clothes.
It was while Rodney was staggering away from the garderobe that someone bodychecked him into the wall. Rodney grunted, scrambled for his thigh holster, and was just about to kill the bastard when he realized the bastard had a huge rack. “What-“
“Good eve, good doctor,” a breathy voice slurred by his ear, practically knocking him out with the smell of alcohol.
Rodney squinted in the dim light and made out the vaguely familiar features of… “The serving wench?” he croaked, “uh, I mean, miss-“
The serving wench laughed. “Oh yes, I am indeed a… serving wench,” she said, and kissed him.
Rodney often thought that being the smartest man in two galaxies should entitle to him to getting attacked by people in a lustful frenzy, but it wasn’t like he really expected this to actually happen. Nevertheless, when faced with this kind of situation, he thought it was best to be polite; he kissed the wench back. The alcohol breath was only mildly off-putting and nothing he hadn’t encountered in college, anyway.
The wench moaned and rubbed herself against him, and wow, this was so, so awesome. Breasts! Big breasts!
Rodney promised himself to stop in a minute-just until he was able to get bit more jerk off material. He reached down to move the wench’s eating knife so that it wasn’t poking at him in the thigh, only it didn’t really feel like a knife sheath. Rodney tore his mouth from the wench and groped it a bit, confused.
The wench moaned, loudly.
Enlightenment dawned.
Rodney screamed.
*
It wasn’t until later, when Rodney was sprawled face-down in the center of the big bed Ellara gave the team that it all came out. So to speak.
Planet of the two-in-one, good god.
“It seems as though the Ancient scientist who was in charge of cultivating this planet considered hermaphroditism as the next step in human evolution,” Teyla was saying, “According to the file Elizabeth found, all humans would begin life as a ‘man’ by default though they have both sets of genitalia.”
“But after their… first time,” Sheppard continued, in a tone of voice that Rodney perceived to be unnecessarily smug, the bastard, “they acquire the obvious physical characteristics associated with the, uh, position they filled. You know, deep voice and chest hair if they were on top, breasts if they were-“
“Yes, yes, I get it!” Rodney snapped, getting up. He shot a glare at Ronon, who hadn’t stopped snickering since he’d burst into the room and could not, unfortunately, stop his mouth from telling all. “What I don’t understand is why you didn’t let me know this invaluable piece of information, oh, when you found out!”
“We only found out ourselves a few minutes before you came in here yelling about breasts with-“
“Alright!” Rodney humphed and narrowed his eyes at Sheppard. “Was there anything else that you think I might need to know?”
“Well, Elizabeth also said that this planet was uninhabitable until the Ancients terraformed it using towers that control the weather. Rodney, I was going to radio you-“
“Yes, alright,” Rodney grudgingly admitted, “I knew that.” He shot Sheppard a look that was only mildly venomous, and Sheppard smiled back at him. “But you definitely knew something was up. I know you did.”
“Uh, well, Rodney,” Sheppard said, scratching the back of his head, “it’s not everyday you see someone in a skirt do her business standing up.”
Rodney collapsed back on the bed. “This galaxy hates me.”
There was a perfunctory knock on the door and they all turned to see Ellara walk in followed by Ganlyn and the serving wench. Ellara looked instantly relieved when she saw Rodney on the bed.
“Doctor McKay, you cannot imagine my relief to see you are here, safe,” she said, quickly striding forward and clasping one of Rodney’s hands. “When Ganlyn informed me you could not be found after Bando accosted you-“ she shot a glare at the wench, who shrinked back “-I feared for the worst.”
“Uh…”
“You must rest assured that my house meant no disrespect to your person,” she continued earnestly, “I truly hope that the incident earlier did not… rob you of your purity.”
“My what?” Rodney squawked and sat up quickly. Somewhere beyond the bed, Ronon snorted.
Sheppard coughed. “Ah, no, Head Ellara, thankfully Rodney returned to us… as pure as he left.” He smirked, the bastard.
“Thank the Ancestors,” Ellara said, closing her eyes for a moment before fixing a firm gaze at Rodney. “Nevertheless, my people have brought a great insult to you, good doctor,” she turned to Sheppard, “and to you as well, Colonel Sheppard, as his betrothed.”
“My what?”
Sheppard looked dumbstruck. “I believe there’s been some-“
“You must allow us to make amends for this gross breach of hospitality,” Ellara declared. “With your permission, Colonel Sheppard, I will settle upon Doctor McKay a third of Ganlyn’s dowry, and will also make provisions for your wedding.” Ganlyn paled but remained silent. Ellara seemed gratified at the openmouthed expressions on the team’s faces. “In a situation such as this, I am sure that a hasty ceremony will not be frowned upon: you can marry alongside Ganlyn and Tav.”
“No!” Rodney and Sheppard yelled. Ellara looked stricken.
“I of course understand if you wish for heavier compensation-“
“Head Ellara,” Teyla said quickly, sounding only a little strained, “I believe what Colonel Sheppard and Doctor McKay meant is that they perceive no insult in the events that occurred this night.” She smiled reassuringly at Ellara, who looked skeptical but hopeful. “There is no need for compensation, truly.”
Ellara frowned, but it was clear practicality won over a guilty conscience. “If Colonel Sheppard and Doctor McKay wishes it-“
“Oh definitely!”
“Yes, no insult here.”
“Really, just a big misunderstanding. Could happen to anyone.”
“No need to put yourselves out.”
Ellara looked between Rodney and Sheppard and nodded slowly. “Very well, if you are certain,” she said, clearly doubting her good fortune at the narrow escape of providing a dowry for Rodney. “You are truly generous and kind.” When it looked like the team didn’t have anything else to say, she said, “Well, we shall leave you to your rest. Doctor McKay, Ganlyn will escort you to the Chamber of Chastity.”
Rodney thought he was going to be sick.
“Ah, I think we’ll keep an eye on Doctor McKay for the rest of the night, thanks,” Sheppard choked out and Rodney nodded vigorously.
Ellara looked doubtful, but obviously did not want to press her luck. She left. Ganlyn threw Rodney a very grateful smile on his way out.
They all stared at each other for a few seconds.
“If any of you,” Rodney began, giving them his best glare.
“Oh, our lips are sealed,” Sheppard assured him.
“Most certainly,” Teyla said.
Ronon grinned.
*
Of course Rodney was not surprised to one day find the door to his room decorated with flowers, multicolored blinking lights, and a large sign that read, “The Chamber of Chastity” in curling script.
He really hated his life sometimes.