I Will Survive by Infinimato (Amnesty 2006 - Bad Sex Challenge)
Title: I Will Survive
Author: Infinimato
Characters: Lorne, Sheppard, Weir
Rating: Adult. NC-17. For language, sex, and cliches.
Word Count: ~1500
Spoilers: None
Summary: Perhaps this should have been an offer gracefully declined.
A/N: Thanks to triple7lies for all the usual help, plus putting bad ideas into my head.
As he walked over to where the Marines bunked, Major Lorne was thinking how he was all for team-building, but this was one he'd really waffled about. Perhaps this should have been an offer gracefully declined.
The marines in his 'gate team had invited him to the weekly Saturday night fun-film. This was supposed to be top secret; the "brass" weren't supposed to know about it, since the "fun" in the name meant X, X and X. However, there'd recently been an incident off-world where Lorne's team had to go bail a team of Marines out of a bad and messy situation. A planet where they'd been happily trading for months suddenly turned into a disaster involving hostile natives, rock throwing, and being holed up in a wet and smelly cave after, apparently, someone had made a comment about cooking an animal that turned out to be a religious object.
The Marines were so grateful they'd decided to invite the military XO of Atlantis to their weekly "fun" -- if he had nothing better to do. Sadly, Lorne thought to himself, he didn't.
As he got to the entrance of the designated "common area" he stopped, staying out of sight but able to see what was going on within. About fifteen men were scattered about the chairs, couches and floor. Bottles of beer from Earth and the ale the Athosians brewed were being passed about. Cheap music, heavy panting, and loud demands studded with four letter words was coming from the speakers next to the monitor, both attached to a VCR -- why or how such older technology had been brought to Atlantis was not something Lorne wanted to think about. Interspersed with the video's "soundtrack,", the viewers were supplying their own additional dialog, snark, and comments, as they saw fit.
On the screen an over-lipsticked mouth was holding a giant penis in front of it like an obscene microphone.. From off to the side, someone sang, "Once I was afraid, I was petrified," but was cut off by a shower of popcorn and pillows thrown at him.
"I can't believe you know the words to that song, Anderson!"
"I only know the first line!" Anderson shouted back, "EVERYONE knows the first line!"
"Shit!," yelled a third voice, "you're gonna wake up Halligan." Lorne noticed Halligan, curled up in a chair, fast asleep, and nearly hiccuped as he stopped himself from bursting out laughing. Halligan was a known light-weight - one beer and he was fast asleep. The others called him "a traitor to the proud name of the Marines" but only in jest. Halligan was a crack shot and a fearless fighter, and was actually well-respected by his peers.
The over-lipstick mouth had now taken the penis in her mouth and was deep-throating it for all she was worth. "Holy crap," called another voice, "Do you think there IS a back to her throat?"
"Probably not," came the response from another, "If he shoves hard enough, I bet that thing will come right out her butt."
From one side a bunch who were clearly tipsy had started chanting, "go! go! go!" at the screen. This finally woke up Halligan, who sat up, stared at the screen for a moment, uttered, "I don't know why they call this a porn movie, they're not doing anything I've never done," and then passed right back out.
Lorne had just decided it was time to make his presence known when a sudden hush fell over the room. A new woman had appeared on the screen, a tall, long-legged brunette with full breasts walked over to the couple already in the film and started rubbing them both. She turned her face, with bright green eyes, to the camera, and didn't she look famili - HOLY SHIT. Before he even realized he'd moved Lorne found himself at the front of the room, grabbing at the VCR and popping the tape out of it.
Spinning around to the men in the room, he said, in a voice far calmer than he thought he could manage, "OK, who has the box?" One of the newer Marines, a guy Lorne thought was named Barstow, brought up the box, looking sheepish. "I swear, Major, I had no idea--" the guy started, but stopped when Lorne looked at him.
Lorne thought for a moment, then looked around the room. "OK, guys, here's the deal. I will forget that this event ever occured, and that your "movie night" occurs at all, and no mention of it gets out, from me. In return, every one of you will forget you ever saw this tape and anything on it, and never, EVER say anything. Anytime. To anyone. Do we have a deal?"
As one, every man in the room nodded, some looking utterly sheepish. Then one guy (Lorne knew there had to be at least one who couldn't leave it alone, and of course it was Johannson) had to say, "Major? that wasn't really .. her.. was it?"
"I don't know, Sgt," Lorne replied, "but either way, we'll just keep this among ourselves, just to be sure, ok?"
"Ok, Major," Johansson agreed, "Whatever you say. We'll keep quiet."
Lorne trusted these guys -- they'd trusted him with their secret, he could hold them to their word. But now he had another issue - what to do with the tape.
----
The next morning Lorne wandered into Sheppard's office for their regular 10 am meeting and closed the door behind them. This wasn't typical -- they didn't usually talk about anything that couldn't be overheard by most folks -- so Sheppard looked up from his laptop in surprise as he heard the door click shut. "What's up?" Sheppard asked, very curious.
"This," Lorne replied, tossing the video tape, in it's box, on Sheppard's desk.
"What," Sheppard said, starting to grin, "you want to watch a dirty movie instead of working out the duty rotation for the next two weeks' watch shifts?"
Lorne gave him one of his infamous sneers. "No, sir", putting a bit too much emphasis on the *sir*, "it's not just any movie. It's ... it's ..." Suddenly Lorne didn't know how to explain this mess to his boss.
But Sheppard had picked up the box and had started looking at it closer. "Oh, holy SHIT," he said holding up the box with the back facing Lorne, "is that --"
"I don't know."
"WHERE did you GET this?!?" Sheppard suddenly roared, suddenly full of anger.
"That's not important, sir -"
"NOT IMPORTANT!" Sheppard yelled back, "I want to know where this came from, mister, and I want to know now!"
Lorne felt his own temper start to flare. "Look, Colonel, everyone who saw it no longer knows about it, if you know what I-"
"MAJOR!" Sheppard was really losing it now.
"COLONEL, LISTEN TO ME" and then the two of them were screaming at each other at full force such that, closed or no, anyone vaguely close could overhear them.
Which of course explained how suddenly Elizabeth was in Sheppard's office, yelling herself, "SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!"
And amazingly, they did, looking sheepish. Suddenly realizing who was where and what things meant, Sheppard tried to hide the box in his lap, pulling himself close to his desk.
"And just what," Elizabeth demanded, "are you two military juvenile delinquents arguing about so loudly we can hear it down in the control room?"
"Um..." "Well, ma'am." "You see, Elizabeth..." "Uh, well..."
"Uh huh," Elizabeth said, clearly ready to smack their heads together, "and what are you hiding in your lap, John?"
"Hiding? In my lap?" John tried for his best innocent puppy-dog-eyes look, but Elizabeth wasn't buying this for a second.
"Yes, John. Hiding. In. Your. Lap. Give it here, now," she said with her hand held out.
"Um. I don't think you -- " "Ma'am, maybe you should."
Now Elizabeth Weir was about to lose her temper. "SHUT. Up! and hand it over. NOW!"
The two men exchanged a look that seemed to express both horror and despair, and then John reached into his lap, pulled out the box, and placed it in Elizabeth's waiting hand....
...only to watch her face drain of color as she stumbled and sat in a chair.
"Oh my god it IS you," Lorne exclaimed, without thinking, his blue eyes so wide open his eyebrows were nearly on top of his head.
"I.... Um." For a moment Lorne thought she might pass out. "Look, grad school is expensive, you know..."
Author: Infinimato
Characters: Lorne, Sheppard, Weir
Rating: Adult. NC-17. For language, sex, and cliches.
Word Count: ~1500
Spoilers: None
Summary: Perhaps this should have been an offer gracefully declined.
A/N: Thanks to triple7lies for all the usual help, plus putting bad ideas into my head.
As he walked over to where the Marines bunked, Major Lorne was thinking how he was all for team-building, but this was one he'd really waffled about. Perhaps this should have been an offer gracefully declined.
The marines in his 'gate team had invited him to the weekly Saturday night fun-film. This was supposed to be top secret; the "brass" weren't supposed to know about it, since the "fun" in the name meant X, X and X. However, there'd recently been an incident off-world where Lorne's team had to go bail a team of Marines out of a bad and messy situation. A planet where they'd been happily trading for months suddenly turned into a disaster involving hostile natives, rock throwing, and being holed up in a wet and smelly cave after, apparently, someone had made a comment about cooking an animal that turned out to be a religious object.
The Marines were so grateful they'd decided to invite the military XO of Atlantis to their weekly "fun" -- if he had nothing better to do. Sadly, Lorne thought to himself, he didn't.
As he got to the entrance of the designated "common area" he stopped, staying out of sight but able to see what was going on within. About fifteen men were scattered about the chairs, couches and floor. Bottles of beer from Earth and the ale the Athosians brewed were being passed about. Cheap music, heavy panting, and loud demands studded with four letter words was coming from the speakers next to the monitor, both attached to a VCR -- why or how such older technology had been brought to Atlantis was not something Lorne wanted to think about. Interspersed with the video's "soundtrack,", the viewers were supplying their own additional dialog, snark, and comments, as they saw fit.
On the screen an over-lipsticked mouth was holding a giant penis in front of it like an obscene microphone.. From off to the side, someone sang, "Once I was afraid, I was petrified," but was cut off by a shower of popcorn and pillows thrown at him.
"I can't believe you know the words to that song, Anderson!"
"I only know the first line!" Anderson shouted back, "EVERYONE knows the first line!"
"Shit!," yelled a third voice, "you're gonna wake up Halligan." Lorne noticed Halligan, curled up in a chair, fast asleep, and nearly hiccuped as he stopped himself from bursting out laughing. Halligan was a known light-weight - one beer and he was fast asleep. The others called him "a traitor to the proud name of the Marines" but only in jest. Halligan was a crack shot and a fearless fighter, and was actually well-respected by his peers.
The over-lipstick mouth had now taken the penis in her mouth and was deep-throating it for all she was worth. "Holy crap," called another voice, "Do you think there IS a back to her throat?"
"Probably not," came the response from another, "If he shoves hard enough, I bet that thing will come right out her butt."
From one side a bunch who were clearly tipsy had started chanting, "go! go! go!" at the screen. This finally woke up Halligan, who sat up, stared at the screen for a moment, uttered, "I don't know why they call this a porn movie, they're not doing anything I've never done," and then passed right back out.
Lorne had just decided it was time to make his presence known when a sudden hush fell over the room. A new woman had appeared on the screen, a tall, long-legged brunette with full breasts walked over to the couple already in the film and started rubbing them both. She turned her face, with bright green eyes, to the camera, and didn't she look famili - HOLY SHIT. Before he even realized he'd moved Lorne found himself at the front of the room, grabbing at the VCR and popping the tape out of it.
Spinning around to the men in the room, he said, in a voice far calmer than he thought he could manage, "OK, who has the box?" One of the newer Marines, a guy Lorne thought was named Barstow, brought up the box, looking sheepish. "I swear, Major, I had no idea--" the guy started, but stopped when Lorne looked at him.
Lorne thought for a moment, then looked around the room. "OK, guys, here's the deal. I will forget that this event ever occured, and that your "movie night" occurs at all, and no mention of it gets out, from me. In return, every one of you will forget you ever saw this tape and anything on it, and never, EVER say anything. Anytime. To anyone. Do we have a deal?"
As one, every man in the room nodded, some looking utterly sheepish. Then one guy (Lorne knew there had to be at least one who couldn't leave it alone, and of course it was Johannson) had to say, "Major? that wasn't really .. her.. was it?"
"I don't know, Sgt," Lorne replied, "but either way, we'll just keep this among ourselves, just to be sure, ok?"
"Ok, Major," Johansson agreed, "Whatever you say. We'll keep quiet."
Lorne trusted these guys -- they'd trusted him with their secret, he could hold them to their word. But now he had another issue - what to do with the tape.
----
The next morning Lorne wandered into Sheppard's office for their regular 10 am meeting and closed the door behind them. This wasn't typical -- they didn't usually talk about anything that couldn't be overheard by most folks -- so Sheppard looked up from his laptop in surprise as he heard the door click shut. "What's up?" Sheppard asked, very curious.
"This," Lorne replied, tossing the video tape, in it's box, on Sheppard's desk.
"What," Sheppard said, starting to grin, "you want to watch a dirty movie instead of working out the duty rotation for the next two weeks' watch shifts?"
Lorne gave him one of his infamous sneers. "No, sir", putting a bit too much emphasis on the *sir*, "it's not just any movie. It's ... it's ..." Suddenly Lorne didn't know how to explain this mess to his boss.
But Sheppard had picked up the box and had started looking at it closer. "Oh, holy SHIT," he said holding up the box with the back facing Lorne, "is that --"
"I don't know."
"WHERE did you GET this?!?" Sheppard suddenly roared, suddenly full of anger.
"That's not important, sir -"
"NOT IMPORTANT!" Sheppard yelled back, "I want to know where this came from, mister, and I want to know now!"
Lorne felt his own temper start to flare. "Look, Colonel, everyone who saw it no longer knows about it, if you know what I-"
"MAJOR!" Sheppard was really losing it now.
"COLONEL, LISTEN TO ME" and then the two of them were screaming at each other at full force such that, closed or no, anyone vaguely close could overhear them.
Which of course explained how suddenly Elizabeth was in Sheppard's office, yelling herself, "SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!"
And amazingly, they did, looking sheepish. Suddenly realizing who was where and what things meant, Sheppard tried to hide the box in his lap, pulling himself close to his desk.
"And just what," Elizabeth demanded, "are you two military juvenile delinquents arguing about so loudly we can hear it down in the control room?"
"Um..." "Well, ma'am." "You see, Elizabeth..." "Uh, well..."
"Uh huh," Elizabeth said, clearly ready to smack their heads together, "and what are you hiding in your lap, John?"
"Hiding? In my lap?" John tried for his best innocent puppy-dog-eyes look, but Elizabeth wasn't buying this for a second.
"Yes, John. Hiding. In. Your. Lap. Give it here, now," she said with her hand held out.
"Um. I don't think you -- " "Ma'am, maybe you should."
Now Elizabeth Weir was about to lose her temper. "SHUT. Up! and hand it over. NOW!"
The two men exchanged a look that seemed to express both horror and despair, and then John reached into his lap, pulled out the box, and placed it in Elizabeth's waiting hand....
...only to watch her face drain of color as she stumbled and sat in a chair.
"Oh my god it IS you," Lorne exclaimed, without thinking, his blue eyes so wide open his eyebrows were nearly on top of his head.
"I.... Um." For a moment Lorne thought she might pass out. "Look, grad school is expensive, you know..."