Indelible, by Sophonisba

[saphanibaal]

-title- Indelible
-author- Sophonisba (saphanibaal)
-warnings- Crossover. I tried to write it so that no knowledge of the other fictons would be necessary, but given the difficulty of trying to act as if more ignorant than you are, I am uncertain of whether or not I succeeded. Mention of past relationships, nothing that couldn't have gotten past the Hays Code

Comments

[anonymous]

What is this a crossover with?

Cuz, it's very confusing but cool, with hints of awesome.

[saphanibaal]

Eh, mostly Aa! Megami-sama! --

-- but if it's very confusing, obviously I didn't do nearly as well writing it as I'd hoped I did, which is depressing.

I think perhaps this must have been the wrong way to tell this story.

[ladydarkangel_1]

Hmmmm.... gonna take a guess here and say Oh My Goddess! is the x-over. Am I right? (never actually saw it but a friend is OBESSED with it). ^-^

[anonymous]

I would have guessed Ah! My Goddess! too. I have a passing familiarity with it thanks to videos and fanfic crossovers (most noteably a Man From UNCLE series, if you can believe it), but none of this fic made any sense to me. It read like high-speed babble with no apparent point.

Let me see if I've got this: McKay suddenly recognizes Sheppard as someone he knew from before Antarctica. Sheppard reveals he's amnesiac (yet is somehow a pilot in the Air Force). McKay tells Sheppard a tremendous amount of history that doesn't mean a thing to Sheppard, Ford, Teyla, or the reader. And there's a ton of pop culture references that Teyla understood the explanations of and I didn't.

Normally I would suggest you try writing this as if you were going to show it to Teyla, but since you already did, I'm at a loss for how to improve it.

[saphanibaal]

The really depressing part of this is that large quantities of this are my attempt to write rapid-fire banter. Apparently, I suck at it.

I do appreciate that the story probably doesn't want to be told from the inside out, as it degenerates into talking heads.

Part of what wound up coalescing into the idea for this was Speranza's hypothesis that Sheppard hiding amnesia would be indefinitely indistinguishable from Sheppard the rest of the time. If I didn't manage to convey the idea that this is something he's been keeping secret -- and the one spectacular typo I've just corrected would have implied that he wasn't -- I really failed, over and above not convincing a reader why s/he should care.

Hm. While I'm convinced that, should he suddenly have license to talk on a subject he'd wanted to talk about and hadn't been, Rodney would try to get out everything he'd been waiting and polishing up to say, that doesn't necessarily translate well to "entertaining." I wonder if the story would work as flashbacks intercut with the present.

//And

[owleyes_arisen]

Did you ever write a sequel to this? Because it really is enthralling, and I'd like to see more.

[saphanibaal]

This worked for you?

I'd concluded from the feedback that it didn't, and that I'd need to pull the story to bits and retell it from egg to apple to get anyone to want to read it...

[owleyes_arisen]

Yeah, it did. You still might want to re-do it, thoiugh - it was a bit awkward to immerse oneself in, but it was worth it. The only thing I can see wrong is that unless you know a bit about the plot of the manga it crosses over with, it's going to be hard to understand - you might want to include a bit of background as soon as possible. I love the premise, though - you write such original stories...