fic: The Adventures of Awesome Man, by bluejbird
Title: The Adventures of Awesome Man
Author: bluejbird
Characters/Pairing: John, Rodney, vaguely McShep-ish
Rating: PG
Summary: There's a new hero in town. And John is absolutely, positively, one hundred percent not jealous.
Disclaimers: Not mine. Yadda yadda yadda.
A/N: Inspired by the (first part of the) song Superhero by Stephen Lynch. I mean, who else could be Awesome Man? Set some point during season 1. Unbetaed.
They'd only been on Atlantis for a few months when strange reports started flying in from all over the city. People were being saved. Exploding ancient tech, patrolling marines caught in unstable areas of the city, one of the techs choking on mystery meat in the Mess- they were all being saved. John figured he probably should be happy about this. Elizabeth certainly was.
The new saviour of Atlantis wore a bright purple spandex suit which left little to the imagination and emphasised a six pack and bulging biceps, lime green underpants on the outside and matching boots and eye mask, effectively hiding his real identity. The letter 'A' was scrawled in the same green across his chest.
He was, he had announced while perched on the top of the Stargate, hands on hips and chin held high, Awesome Man. He was here to protect the new citizens of Atlantis. And he was doing a good job. Too good a job, as far as John was concerned. He didn't trust this superhero as far as Teyla could throw him. He tried not to think about how he might be jealous that he wasn't getting to save Atlantis anymore.
And of course all anyone talked about for weeks after that was just how awesome Awesome Man was. How brave and kind and strong and handsome and- the list went on. And on. And on.
John stopped eating in the Mess after he heard one of the Botanists listing the ways she was going to put herself in danger (her favoured plan was accidentally falling off a balcony) so she could scream for Awesome Man to help her.
John started avoiding more and more people after that. Awesome Man's fanclub (which was, scarily, official and came with a secret handshake and membership card and regular meetings to discuss the superhero and his deeds) was booming. John avoided the Infirmary for a week when he discovered a lifesized poster stuck to the back of Carson's office door.
Missions were his only escape. Generally they were too busy escaping from crazed natives for Awesome Man to cross John's mind. Much. Neither Teyla nor Ford appeared particularly enamoured with the superhero and were generally too busy beating the crap out of bad guys to discuss it with him, and Rodney just rolled his eyes whenever John brought him up and went back to bitching about how they were all going to die. Strangely, it always made John feel a lot better, especially when he managed to save his team.
They came back from one mission to find Elizabeth's office redecorated in purple and lime green. John didn't speak to her for the rest of the week. A week in which, miraculously, no-one needed to be saved, and the Awesome Man mania seemed to die down a little. John started to feel sane again. And life returned to what passed for normal in the Pegasus galaxy.
And then John caught several of his marines strolling around the locker room in Awesome Man boxer shorts, so he headed straight for Zelenka who appeared to be devising a way to melt plastic waste down to create action dolls.
"This has to stop," he announced, standing over the short Czech with what he hoped was a commanding presence. Radek glanced up briefly then went back to his 'work'.
"Ah, hello Major," Zelenka said. "What has to stop?"
"This," John said, waving his arm wildly. Zelenka's bench, which had once held a number of laptops, piles of papers and several large chunks of unidentifiable metallic things, now contained a pile of screen printed t-shirts, a prototype for a board game, several buttons and a box full of random items, all Awesome Man merchandise. "This," he emphasised, picking up a large teddy bear dressed in an Awesome Man costume and brandishing it at Zelenka before tossing it to the floor. Miko appeared, squeaking indignantly as she retrieved the bear and cuddled it possessively to her chest, shooting daggers at John as she hurried back to her station.
"I do not understand," Zelenka said. "Are we doing something wrong? We are simply providing what people want. Which reminds me- I thought you would appreciate this," he said, rifling through a pile of various items- John spotted a yoyo, a watch and a number of pens, all with the Awesome Man logo emblazoned on them. He pulled out a small tub, the label on which proclaimed 'Awesome Man Hair Gel- now you can look Awesome too!'
John stared at it for a long moment, his resolve wavering. After all, his hair care supplies were dwindling...He straightened his shoulders and slammed the jar back onto the bench.
"No?" Radek asked, sounding suprised. "Then how about a bumper sticker?" he asked, holding up one that read 'I brake for superheroes' - a sentiment John really didn't subscribe to. "You could stick it to the back of your favourite 'Jumper. Or this?"
John clenched his hands in the material of the 'Awesome Man Saved Me and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt' shirt Zelenka had handed him.
"I don't want anything to do with Awesome Man!" John shouted. "You will stop this immediately! You will stop wasting your time and our materials on this junk. You will all stop fawning over him like he's some sort of-of-"
"Superhero?"
John turned his glare on Kavanagh who had his arms folded and was looking smug.
"It's about time we had someone like him around. He should really be in charge. This place would run much smoother under his control, unlike the way things are at the moment. I have of course suggested this to Dr Weir, but as usual she ignores my advice."
"He's just a guy," John ground out. "He's nothing special."
"Of course he is," Kavanagh argued. "He's the most wonderful, bravest, most awesome man ever," he sighed and John gave him a revolted look. "He actually cares about the people of Atlantis, and he is selfless and noble and intelligent and brave and worthy of being in charge. Unlike some people I could name," he added, and shot a pointed look towards the far end of the lab.
John followed his glare, surprised to find Rodney sitting at his desk. He was being uncharacteristically quiet.
"Back me up here, McKay," John called. "This Awesome Man. He's not so awesome, is he?" John was certain that Rodney would be hating Awesome Man almost as much as he was. Rodney hated for people to steal his thunder.
"Hmm?" Rodney said, glancing up from his laptop and pausing typing long enough to frown at John. "Oh, I don't know. I hardly know the guy. I always seem to miss the action."
"Lucky you," John muttered, a dark expression on his face. He opened his mouth to try to convince everyone he was right, when Rodney sat up suddenly, stopped typing and cocked his head to one side.
"I've got to go," he said, standing abruptly, his hand flying to the shirt zipper under his chin.
"What's wrong, McKay?" John sneered, unreasonably taking his annoyance out on his friend. "Worried you'll miss today’s specials in the Mess?"
Rodney stared at him for a minute, and John prepared himself for a bout of verbal abuse, but the scientist just shrugged. "Sure," he said, and disappeared out into the corridor, leaving John staring after him.
When he turned back around, Zelenka was assembling the first action doll, and Kavanagh and Simpson were creating a long list of Awesome Man‘s attributes. John shouted a bit longer about how the whole merchandise thing was to stop Right Now, but when he realised no-one was actually listening, he slunk out of the lab and down to the control room. When he got there he learnt that the botanist had made good with her threat to jump off the balcony, and had been subsequently rescued just in the nick of time by Awesome Man.
John kicked a chair in Elizabeth's office. It made his toe hurt.
"Are you alright?" she asked him, and he scowled, resisting the urge to hop around and curse.
"I should have been there," John said.
"There's nothing you could have done," Elizabeth replied in a reassuring voice that had the complete opposite effect. She'd said it to him before, but this time it was different. It was no longer an all encompassing 'you'. Now it was personal. Because now there was someone who could do something, who could do anything. Everything.
John went to the gym and got Teyla to beat the crap out of him. It made him feel better.
The next day Matthew in Linguistics started producing an e-comic, entitled 'The Adventures of Awesome Man' and was emailing it to everyone in the city. The first issue depicted a beautiful woman being caught in the strong, capable hands of the Superhero, her face gazing up at him adoringly.
John deleted the email and for several moments seriously considered resigning and retiring to the mainland until they re-established contact with Earth.
~~~
Instead, he found himself, two weeks later, outside Rodney's quarters with a plan. Admittedly it wasn't much of a plan, as yet, but he was sure with Rodney's help he could devise something that would work.
"I need to find out Awesome Man's true identity," John announced when the doors slid open. Rodney was already sitting back down and pulling his laptop towards him, but he froze at John's words.
"What?" he spluttered. "W-why would you want to do that?" he asked.
John grinned evilly. "He appeared out of nowhere, which means he must be one of us," he said, pacing the room while Rodney stared at him. "He must have a secret identity- he could be one of the marines or a cook or a nurse- anyone. And I need to find out who."
"Why?" Rodney asked.
"So I can expose him for the big fraud he is. So that people can see he's just human!" John said, hands clenching into fists. "And so I can kick his ass."
Rodney blanched. "Now, Colonel I don't know if-"
"I could so take him," John said, and Rodney gave him a wry smile.
"I‘m sure you could," he said soothingly. "But that's beside the point. You can't hunt down Awesome Man."
"I have to!" John said. "You don't understand. I hate him!"
Rodney's face fell. "You...you hate him?"
John nodded vehemently. "I hate his ugly costume and his stupid voice and his annoying smile and his better-than-you attitude and everything about him."
Rodney stared at him in dismay.
"What's wrong with you?" John snapped. "I thought you hardly knew the guy?"
Rodney made a small hurt noise.
"What, McKay?" John asked, frowning.
"I am Awesome Man," Rodney said in a small voice.
John stared at him.
"No, seriously," Rodney said. "I'm Awesome Man."
John laughed. "Very funny."
"For Gods sake!" Rodney snapped. "It's true!"
"You're Awesome Man?" John repeated, unable to hide the humour from his voice. "Sure you are."
"This mild mannered doctor thing?" Rodney said, waving a hand up and down himself. "It's just my 'day' face. By night I am...Awesome man!" He puffed out his chest, hands on his hips for a moment, then caught himself and gave John a sheepish smile.
John stared at him. "Uh huh," he said, shaking his head slowly as if Rodney had gone insane. "And also? Mild mannered? Are you kidding?"
Rodney pouted. "It's true. I really am Awesome Man."
John laughed. "No offence, Rodney," he said, reaching over and poking Rodney gently in his stomach, "but I don't think you quite have the...physique to be a superhero. Or the strength- you couldn't even open your own canteen the other day- Teyla had to do it for you."
"That's part of my disguise," Rodney insisted. "All of it is!"
"All of it?" John said sceptically. "All of the bitching and moaning and being unable to run back to the 'gate when our lives depended on it?"
Rodney shifted awkwardly. "Well, I mean, obviously at the beginning that was all real, but when I got my powers I had to keep pretending, otherwise someone would have noticed."
John rolled his eyes. "In that case, you’ve done an excellent job of hiding it. Never in a million years would anyone suspect you were Awesome Man.“
Rodney glared at him, crossing his arms over his chest.
“This is all very funny, but I need to find this guy,” John said. “And messing around really isn't helping me. I need your help."
"But-"
"McKay, if you were a Superhero, you'd be more like Mr Furious."
"Very funny, Colonel," Rodney said sourly. "But I'm telling you the truth."
"I've never heard of a superhero who was allergic to citrus and complained about splinters and couldn't keep up on a 4 mile hike."
"It's part of my disguise!" Rodney insisted. "If I was good at everything, that would kind of give it away, wouldn't it?"
John shook his head sadly. "I think you need to see Heightmeyer about these delusions of yours. And if you didn't want to help me, you could have just said so," he added peevishly.
"I can prove it!" Rodney said, and John rolled his eyes and left, feeling annoyed.
Rodney was Awesome Man. Ha! How stupid did McKay think he was?
He headed to the Jumper bay, deciding to go for a quick fly around. Without Rodney's help, his half-assed plan was going to need a lot of thought.
~~~
He was flying over the mainland when his engines stopped. Just stopped, no warning. He pressed a few things on the console, thought very hard 'Oh my God, please start!' and then brought up the schematics. He was going in too fast. The crash, which would happen in, according to the HUD, 23.4 seconds, was going to be a doozy.
John stared at the rapidly approaching ground and swallowed hard.
Then, hating himself, he called “Help! Awesome Man! Help me!”
A flash of purple and green streaked past him, and suddenly he wasn't falling anymore. He was being lifted, and they were heading back to Atlantis, faster than he'd thought possible. And then he was being lowered back into the ‘Jumper bay. When he stepped out of the ‘Jumper people were clapping and cheering, and Awesome Man was beaming from the centre of the crowd.
John scowled and stalked off unnoticed by the gathered Awesome Man fans, and sent deathly glares at everyone he met in the corridors. He stepped into his room.
And found Awesome Man standing by his window.
"What do you want?" he snapped.
"Are you alright?" Awesome Man boomed in that horribly heroic tone.
"Yes, I'm fine. And I didn't need rescuing," he added, flopping down on his bed like a petulant teenager.
"Then why did you call for me?" Awesome Man asked. "You obviously needed me."
John jumped back to his feet, took two steps across the room and punched him in the nose. Then he clutched his fist close to his body and tried very hard not to swear.
"Hey!" Awesome Man exclaimed, rubbing his nose. "Oh, that's nice, Colonel, I risk myself to save you and you hit me? Well, thank you very much."
John stopped biting his lip in pain and stared at the Superhero.
"Oh for..." Awesome Man reached up and pulled his mask off, giving John an exasperated look. "I told you it was me."
John gawped at Rodney. "I need to sit down," he said, and Rodney pushed him back towards the bed. John sat down heavily.
"You," he said. "You? Really?"
Rodney nodded smugly. "Pretty cool, huh?"
"You're the guy half of Atlantis is lusting over?"
Rodney beamed.
"Including Kavanagh," John added and Rodney just shrugged.
"I knew he couldn't be all bad. He might be a useless scientist, but at least he has impeccable taste."
John shook his head. "This is all a dream. A very bad dream. A nightmare. And I am going to wake up any moment now." He pinched himself. It hurt. A lot.
"Nope, its real," Rodney said, rocking back and forth on his heels. "I don't know why you're taking this so badly."
"I...I hate you!" John said. "Not you- Awesome Man," he clarified when Rodney looked affronted. "I despise him."
Rodney stared at him for a long moment. "Oh," he said, and smiled, voicing the thoughts John hadn't let himself think. "You're jealous."
John wanted to shake his head, but after a small struggle with himself, he nodded miserably.
"You're still my favourite hero," Rodney said, sitting down beside him and John gave him a wry smile.
"Thanks," he said. "I think."
They sat in silence for several moments.
"What's your Kryptonite then?"
"What?"
John rolled his eyes. "Your Kryptonite! Your weakness! Come on, I thought you were supposed to be some sort of super geek."
Rodney made a face. "I know what Kryptonite is," he snapped. "But I'm hardly going to tell you, am I?"
"Oh," said John. "I thought..." he shrugged.
"That I'm going to tell the guy who hates Awesome Man?"
John tried not to dwell on how he’d hoped Rodney would have said 'My weakness is tall, dark, handsome flyboy Colonels with cool hair'.
He gave an exaggerated cough and tried to stop thinking.
"So, how did..." he waved a hand at Rodney.
"There's this device I found," Rodney said. "And I switched it on, and it gave me all of these super powers. Super strength, invulnerability, flight, x-ray vision…you name it, I’ve got it. And then I found this cupboard full of costumes and...well, I may have gotten carried away, but I've been working for Truth, Justice and the Atlantean way, not for selfish gain."
John raised an eyebrow. “You’ve got x-ray vision and you’re not using it for selfish gain?” he asked sceptically.
Rodney shuddered. “X-ray vision isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” he said. “Some of the people on Atlantis get up to the most depraved things…” he looked slightly ill and refused to elaborate.
"And you didn't think to share these powers with anyone?" John asked, starting to feel annoyed. "You didn't think this device would be useful in, say, our fight against the Wraith?"
Rodney huffed. "Of course I thought about it! But the device only works on one, maybe two people. Not everyone could become super, so there didn't seem much point in waving it about and making everyone fight over it. Besides, I used most of it up on myself. I don't think there's enough juice in it to give someone else the full set of super powers like I've got."
John glared at him.
"Hey, that's an idea," Rodney said suddenly. "You could be my sidekick!"
Rodney grinned at the suggestion, and John got up and walked away.
"You could fly!" Rodney shouted after him.
John didn't turn around.
~~~
But by lunchtime the next day he was back. "Like, really fly?" he asked, and Rodney nodded.
"Okay," John said. "But I get to pick out my own costume and name."
Rodney shrugged, fiddled with the device and John reached over and lifted up Rodney's bed with one hand and a huge smile.
Unsurprisingly, John chose an outfit consisting almost entirely of black, save for his boots and the large 'J' on his chest, which were a bright blood red. He'd wanted a cape, but Rodney had vetoed the idea. John suspected that was only because Rodney hadn't thought of a cape first. Rodney insisted the 'J' would give him away, as would his hair which, although John insisted he styled it differently when he was in Superhero mode, didn't actually look too different. He wore a similar eye mask to Rodney‘s, and was confident that if no-one had clocked on to Rodney yet, he'd be pretty safe.
A week later Matthew in Linguistics started a new comic entitled 'The Adventures of Awesome Man and Justice Guy.'
John tried not to be too annoyed that Awesome Man's costume now contained a long flowing cape.
No-one on Atlantis seemed interested in figuring out the Superhero's real identities. And if occasionally the people of Atlantis would notice the Head of Military and Head of Science spending even more time together than usual, well, frankly, everyone had been expecting that to happen for quite some time.
Author: bluejbird
Characters/Pairing: John, Rodney, vaguely McShep-ish
Rating: PG
Summary: There's a new hero in town. And John is absolutely, positively, one hundred percent not jealous.
Disclaimers: Not mine. Yadda yadda yadda.
A/N: Inspired by the (first part of the) song Superhero by Stephen Lynch. I mean, who else could be Awesome Man? Set some point during season 1. Unbetaed.
They'd only been on Atlantis for a few months when strange reports started flying in from all over the city. People were being saved. Exploding ancient tech, patrolling marines caught in unstable areas of the city, one of the techs choking on mystery meat in the Mess- they were all being saved. John figured he probably should be happy about this. Elizabeth certainly was.
The new saviour of Atlantis wore a bright purple spandex suit which left little to the imagination and emphasised a six pack and bulging biceps, lime green underpants on the outside and matching boots and eye mask, effectively hiding his real identity. The letter 'A' was scrawled in the same green across his chest.
He was, he had announced while perched on the top of the Stargate, hands on hips and chin held high, Awesome Man. He was here to protect the new citizens of Atlantis. And he was doing a good job. Too good a job, as far as John was concerned. He didn't trust this superhero as far as Teyla could throw him. He tried not to think about how he might be jealous that he wasn't getting to save Atlantis anymore.
And of course all anyone talked about for weeks after that was just how awesome Awesome Man was. How brave and kind and strong and handsome and- the list went on. And on. And on.
John stopped eating in the Mess after he heard one of the Botanists listing the ways she was going to put herself in danger (her favoured plan was accidentally falling off a balcony) so she could scream for Awesome Man to help her.
John started avoiding more and more people after that. Awesome Man's fanclub (which was, scarily, official and came with a secret handshake and membership card and regular meetings to discuss the superhero and his deeds) was booming. John avoided the Infirmary for a week when he discovered a lifesized poster stuck to the back of Carson's office door.
Missions were his only escape. Generally they were too busy escaping from crazed natives for Awesome Man to cross John's mind. Much. Neither Teyla nor Ford appeared particularly enamoured with the superhero and were generally too busy beating the crap out of bad guys to discuss it with him, and Rodney just rolled his eyes whenever John brought him up and went back to bitching about how they were all going to die. Strangely, it always made John feel a lot better, especially when he managed to save his team.
They came back from one mission to find Elizabeth's office redecorated in purple and lime green. John didn't speak to her for the rest of the week. A week in which, miraculously, no-one needed to be saved, and the Awesome Man mania seemed to die down a little. John started to feel sane again. And life returned to what passed for normal in the Pegasus galaxy.
And then John caught several of his marines strolling around the locker room in Awesome Man boxer shorts, so he headed straight for Zelenka who appeared to be devising a way to melt plastic waste down to create action dolls.
"This has to stop," he announced, standing over the short Czech with what he hoped was a commanding presence. Radek glanced up briefly then went back to his 'work'.
"Ah, hello Major," Zelenka said. "What has to stop?"
"This," John said, waving his arm wildly. Zelenka's bench, which had once held a number of laptops, piles of papers and several large chunks of unidentifiable metallic things, now contained a pile of screen printed t-shirts, a prototype for a board game, several buttons and a box full of random items, all Awesome Man merchandise. "This," he emphasised, picking up a large teddy bear dressed in an Awesome Man costume and brandishing it at Zelenka before tossing it to the floor. Miko appeared, squeaking indignantly as she retrieved the bear and cuddled it possessively to her chest, shooting daggers at John as she hurried back to her station.
"I do not understand," Zelenka said. "Are we doing something wrong? We are simply providing what people want. Which reminds me- I thought you would appreciate this," he said, rifling through a pile of various items- John spotted a yoyo, a watch and a number of pens, all with the Awesome Man logo emblazoned on them. He pulled out a small tub, the label on which proclaimed 'Awesome Man Hair Gel- now you can look Awesome too!'
John stared at it for a long moment, his resolve wavering. After all, his hair care supplies were dwindling...He straightened his shoulders and slammed the jar back onto the bench.
"No?" Radek asked, sounding suprised. "Then how about a bumper sticker?" he asked, holding up one that read 'I brake for superheroes' - a sentiment John really didn't subscribe to. "You could stick it to the back of your favourite 'Jumper. Or this?"
John clenched his hands in the material of the 'Awesome Man Saved Me and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt' shirt Zelenka had handed him.
"I don't want anything to do with Awesome Man!" John shouted. "You will stop this immediately! You will stop wasting your time and our materials on this junk. You will all stop fawning over him like he's some sort of-of-"
"Superhero?"
John turned his glare on Kavanagh who had his arms folded and was looking smug.
"It's about time we had someone like him around. He should really be in charge. This place would run much smoother under his control, unlike the way things are at the moment. I have of course suggested this to Dr Weir, but as usual she ignores my advice."
"He's just a guy," John ground out. "He's nothing special."
"Of course he is," Kavanagh argued. "He's the most wonderful, bravest, most awesome man ever," he sighed and John gave him a revolted look. "He actually cares about the people of Atlantis, and he is selfless and noble and intelligent and brave and worthy of being in charge. Unlike some people I could name," he added, and shot a pointed look towards the far end of the lab.
John followed his glare, surprised to find Rodney sitting at his desk. He was being uncharacteristically quiet.
"Back me up here, McKay," John called. "This Awesome Man. He's not so awesome, is he?" John was certain that Rodney would be hating Awesome Man almost as much as he was. Rodney hated for people to steal his thunder.
"Hmm?" Rodney said, glancing up from his laptop and pausing typing long enough to frown at John. "Oh, I don't know. I hardly know the guy. I always seem to miss the action."
"Lucky you," John muttered, a dark expression on his face. He opened his mouth to try to convince everyone he was right, when Rodney sat up suddenly, stopped typing and cocked his head to one side.
"I've got to go," he said, standing abruptly, his hand flying to the shirt zipper under his chin.
"What's wrong, McKay?" John sneered, unreasonably taking his annoyance out on his friend. "Worried you'll miss today’s specials in the Mess?"
Rodney stared at him for a minute, and John prepared himself for a bout of verbal abuse, but the scientist just shrugged. "Sure," he said, and disappeared out into the corridor, leaving John staring after him.
When he turned back around, Zelenka was assembling the first action doll, and Kavanagh and Simpson were creating a long list of Awesome Man‘s attributes. John shouted a bit longer about how the whole merchandise thing was to stop Right Now, but when he realised no-one was actually listening, he slunk out of the lab and down to the control room. When he got there he learnt that the botanist had made good with her threat to jump off the balcony, and had been subsequently rescued just in the nick of time by Awesome Man.
John kicked a chair in Elizabeth's office. It made his toe hurt.
"Are you alright?" she asked him, and he scowled, resisting the urge to hop around and curse.
"I should have been there," John said.
"There's nothing you could have done," Elizabeth replied in a reassuring voice that had the complete opposite effect. She'd said it to him before, but this time it was different. It was no longer an all encompassing 'you'. Now it was personal. Because now there was someone who could do something, who could do anything. Everything.
John went to the gym and got Teyla to beat the crap out of him. It made him feel better.
The next day Matthew in Linguistics started producing an e-comic, entitled 'The Adventures of Awesome Man' and was emailing it to everyone in the city. The first issue depicted a beautiful woman being caught in the strong, capable hands of the Superhero, her face gazing up at him adoringly.
John deleted the email and for several moments seriously considered resigning and retiring to the mainland until they re-established contact with Earth.
~~~
Instead, he found himself, two weeks later, outside Rodney's quarters with a plan. Admittedly it wasn't much of a plan, as yet, but he was sure with Rodney's help he could devise something that would work.
"I need to find out Awesome Man's true identity," John announced when the doors slid open. Rodney was already sitting back down and pulling his laptop towards him, but he froze at John's words.
"What?" he spluttered. "W-why would you want to do that?" he asked.
John grinned evilly. "He appeared out of nowhere, which means he must be one of us," he said, pacing the room while Rodney stared at him. "He must have a secret identity- he could be one of the marines or a cook or a nurse- anyone. And I need to find out who."
"Why?" Rodney asked.
"So I can expose him for the big fraud he is. So that people can see he's just human!" John said, hands clenching into fists. "And so I can kick his ass."
Rodney blanched. "Now, Colonel I don't know if-"
"I could so take him," John said, and Rodney gave him a wry smile.
"I‘m sure you could," he said soothingly. "But that's beside the point. You can't hunt down Awesome Man."
"I have to!" John said. "You don't understand. I hate him!"
Rodney's face fell. "You...you hate him?"
John nodded vehemently. "I hate his ugly costume and his stupid voice and his annoying smile and his better-than-you attitude and everything about him."
Rodney stared at him in dismay.
"What's wrong with you?" John snapped. "I thought you hardly knew the guy?"
Rodney made a small hurt noise.
"What, McKay?" John asked, frowning.
"I am Awesome Man," Rodney said in a small voice.
John stared at him.
"No, seriously," Rodney said. "I'm Awesome Man."
John laughed. "Very funny."
"For Gods sake!" Rodney snapped. "It's true!"
"You're Awesome Man?" John repeated, unable to hide the humour from his voice. "Sure you are."
"This mild mannered doctor thing?" Rodney said, waving a hand up and down himself. "It's just my 'day' face. By night I am...Awesome man!" He puffed out his chest, hands on his hips for a moment, then caught himself and gave John a sheepish smile.
John stared at him. "Uh huh," he said, shaking his head slowly as if Rodney had gone insane. "And also? Mild mannered? Are you kidding?"
Rodney pouted. "It's true. I really am Awesome Man."
John laughed. "No offence, Rodney," he said, reaching over and poking Rodney gently in his stomach, "but I don't think you quite have the...physique to be a superhero. Or the strength- you couldn't even open your own canteen the other day- Teyla had to do it for you."
"That's part of my disguise," Rodney insisted. "All of it is!"
"All of it?" John said sceptically. "All of the bitching and moaning and being unable to run back to the 'gate when our lives depended on it?"
Rodney shifted awkwardly. "Well, I mean, obviously at the beginning that was all real, but when I got my powers I had to keep pretending, otherwise someone would have noticed."
John rolled his eyes. "In that case, you’ve done an excellent job of hiding it. Never in a million years would anyone suspect you were Awesome Man.“
Rodney glared at him, crossing his arms over his chest.
“This is all very funny, but I need to find this guy,” John said. “And messing around really isn't helping me. I need your help."
"But-"
"McKay, if you were a Superhero, you'd be more like Mr Furious."
"Very funny, Colonel," Rodney said sourly. "But I'm telling you the truth."
"I've never heard of a superhero who was allergic to citrus and complained about splinters and couldn't keep up on a 4 mile hike."
"It's part of my disguise!" Rodney insisted. "If I was good at everything, that would kind of give it away, wouldn't it?"
John shook his head sadly. "I think you need to see Heightmeyer about these delusions of yours. And if you didn't want to help me, you could have just said so," he added peevishly.
"I can prove it!" Rodney said, and John rolled his eyes and left, feeling annoyed.
Rodney was Awesome Man. Ha! How stupid did McKay think he was?
He headed to the Jumper bay, deciding to go for a quick fly around. Without Rodney's help, his half-assed plan was going to need a lot of thought.
~~~
He was flying over the mainland when his engines stopped. Just stopped, no warning. He pressed a few things on the console, thought very hard 'Oh my God, please start!' and then brought up the schematics. He was going in too fast. The crash, which would happen in, according to the HUD, 23.4 seconds, was going to be a doozy.
John stared at the rapidly approaching ground and swallowed hard.
Then, hating himself, he called “Help! Awesome Man! Help me!”
A flash of purple and green streaked past him, and suddenly he wasn't falling anymore. He was being lifted, and they were heading back to Atlantis, faster than he'd thought possible. And then he was being lowered back into the ‘Jumper bay. When he stepped out of the ‘Jumper people were clapping and cheering, and Awesome Man was beaming from the centre of the crowd.
John scowled and stalked off unnoticed by the gathered Awesome Man fans, and sent deathly glares at everyone he met in the corridors. He stepped into his room.
And found Awesome Man standing by his window.
"What do you want?" he snapped.
"Are you alright?" Awesome Man boomed in that horribly heroic tone.
"Yes, I'm fine. And I didn't need rescuing," he added, flopping down on his bed like a petulant teenager.
"Then why did you call for me?" Awesome Man asked. "You obviously needed me."
John jumped back to his feet, took two steps across the room and punched him in the nose. Then he clutched his fist close to his body and tried very hard not to swear.
"Hey!" Awesome Man exclaimed, rubbing his nose. "Oh, that's nice, Colonel, I risk myself to save you and you hit me? Well, thank you very much."
John stopped biting his lip in pain and stared at the Superhero.
"Oh for..." Awesome Man reached up and pulled his mask off, giving John an exasperated look. "I told you it was me."
John gawped at Rodney. "I need to sit down," he said, and Rodney pushed him back towards the bed. John sat down heavily.
"You," he said. "You? Really?"
Rodney nodded smugly. "Pretty cool, huh?"
"You're the guy half of Atlantis is lusting over?"
Rodney beamed.
"Including Kavanagh," John added and Rodney just shrugged.
"I knew he couldn't be all bad. He might be a useless scientist, but at least he has impeccable taste."
John shook his head. "This is all a dream. A very bad dream. A nightmare. And I am going to wake up any moment now." He pinched himself. It hurt. A lot.
"Nope, its real," Rodney said, rocking back and forth on his heels. "I don't know why you're taking this so badly."
"I...I hate you!" John said. "Not you- Awesome Man," he clarified when Rodney looked affronted. "I despise him."
Rodney stared at him for a long moment. "Oh," he said, and smiled, voicing the thoughts John hadn't let himself think. "You're jealous."
John wanted to shake his head, but after a small struggle with himself, he nodded miserably.
"You're still my favourite hero," Rodney said, sitting down beside him and John gave him a wry smile.
"Thanks," he said. "I think."
They sat in silence for several moments.
"What's your Kryptonite then?"
"What?"
John rolled his eyes. "Your Kryptonite! Your weakness! Come on, I thought you were supposed to be some sort of super geek."
Rodney made a face. "I know what Kryptonite is," he snapped. "But I'm hardly going to tell you, am I?"
"Oh," said John. "I thought..." he shrugged.
"That I'm going to tell the guy who hates Awesome Man?"
John tried not to dwell on how he’d hoped Rodney would have said 'My weakness is tall, dark, handsome flyboy Colonels with cool hair'.
He gave an exaggerated cough and tried to stop thinking.
"So, how did..." he waved a hand at Rodney.
"There's this device I found," Rodney said. "And I switched it on, and it gave me all of these super powers. Super strength, invulnerability, flight, x-ray vision…you name it, I’ve got it. And then I found this cupboard full of costumes and...well, I may have gotten carried away, but I've been working for Truth, Justice and the Atlantean way, not for selfish gain."
John raised an eyebrow. “You’ve got x-ray vision and you’re not using it for selfish gain?” he asked sceptically.
Rodney shuddered. “X-ray vision isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” he said. “Some of the people on Atlantis get up to the most depraved things…” he looked slightly ill and refused to elaborate.
"And you didn't think to share these powers with anyone?" John asked, starting to feel annoyed. "You didn't think this device would be useful in, say, our fight against the Wraith?"
Rodney huffed. "Of course I thought about it! But the device only works on one, maybe two people. Not everyone could become super, so there didn't seem much point in waving it about and making everyone fight over it. Besides, I used most of it up on myself. I don't think there's enough juice in it to give someone else the full set of super powers like I've got."
John glared at him.
"Hey, that's an idea," Rodney said suddenly. "You could be my sidekick!"
Rodney grinned at the suggestion, and John got up and walked away.
"You could fly!" Rodney shouted after him.
John didn't turn around.
~~~
But by lunchtime the next day he was back. "Like, really fly?" he asked, and Rodney nodded.
"Okay," John said. "But I get to pick out my own costume and name."
Rodney shrugged, fiddled with the device and John reached over and lifted up Rodney's bed with one hand and a huge smile.
Unsurprisingly, John chose an outfit consisting almost entirely of black, save for his boots and the large 'J' on his chest, which were a bright blood red. He'd wanted a cape, but Rodney had vetoed the idea. John suspected that was only because Rodney hadn't thought of a cape first. Rodney insisted the 'J' would give him away, as would his hair which, although John insisted he styled it differently when he was in Superhero mode, didn't actually look too different. He wore a similar eye mask to Rodney‘s, and was confident that if no-one had clocked on to Rodney yet, he'd be pretty safe.
A week later Matthew in Linguistics started a new comic entitled 'The Adventures of Awesome Man and Justice Guy.'
John tried not to be too annoyed that Awesome Man's costume now contained a long flowing cape.
No-one on Atlantis seemed interested in figuring out the Superhero's real identities. And if occasionally the people of Atlantis would notice the Head of Military and Head of Science spending even more time together than usual, well, frankly, everyone had been expecting that to happen for quite some time.