fic: Sixty Things Skippy Can't Do In Atlantis [Documentation Challenge]
TITLE: Sixty Things Skippy Can't Do In Atlantis
SUMMARY: There are things people Just Don't Do. Then there are people like Corporal Skip 'Skippy' Dorset.
CATEGORY: Humour
RATING: PG-13
NOTES: Shamelessly referencing 'Skippy's List and assorted other 'things to do when you're bored' lists, and appropriately adjusted to apply to Atlantis.
Sixty Things Skippy Can't Do In Atlantis
If you know where to look on the Atlantis network, there's a site entitled 'Corporal Skip 'Skippy' Dorset's List Of Things He Can't Do'. It's one of the better-known secrets of the expedition personnel, and often used as an inductory handbook for the more high-spirited personnel arriving in Atlantis.
Most personnel just call it 'Skippy's List'.
1. I will not use the Atlantis network to play 'World of Warcraft'.
2. I will not address Dr. Katie Brown as 'the luscious Dana Scully'.
3. I will not send emails to Dr. Katie Brown with a subject of: 'Those X-Files you requested on alien DNA...'.
4. My proper military title is 'Corporal Dorset' not 'The Grand High Poo-Bah Of Atlantis'
5. I will not threaten anyone with a 'dematerialiser' that is actually an Ancient version of a gameboy.
6. I will not threaten anyone with a 'dematerialiser' that is any kind of Ancient technology.
7. I will not threaten anyone with a 'dematerialiser' at all.
8. I will not sing the 'Stars and Stripes' at morning mess.
9. I will not sing 'Taps' at evening mess.
10. I will not sing 'Nessun Dorma' while walking night patrol along the personnel quarters.
11. I will not tell the Athosians that Colonel Sheppard is worshipped as a god back on Earth.
12. I will not shout, 'Kneel before your god!' when Colonel Sheppard enters the room.
13. I will not encourage others to refer to Dr. Stanathopouthos as 'Dr. Stan-of-the-Poofters'.
14. I will not sing Denis Leary's 'Asshole' when Dr. Kavanaugh enters the room.
15. I will not offer to teach Teyla Emmagen the lambada.
16. I will not whistle 'Hail to the Chief' when Dr. Weir passes by in the corridor.
17. I am not allowed to use 'the Wraith made me do it' as an excuse.
18. I must not speak with a fake French accent around any of the French personnel, or any Canadian personnel with French backgrounds.
19. I must not speak with a fake Russian accent around any of the Russian or Eastern European personnel.
20. I will not offer to trade sexual favours with Dr. McKay in exchange for my own personal naquadah generator.
21. I will not add, "And I for one welcome our new insect overlords" during a siege by the Wraith.
22. I will not borrow Athosian maracas to sing, "I am evil Dorset!"
23. I will not use the excuse 'Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from animals. Except the weasel' to weasel out of any of my duties.
24. I will not state that 'people with the Ancient gene don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.'
25. I will not ask Lieutenant Bergen, 'you dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?'
26. I will not refer to any African-American or dark-skinned personnel in Atlantis as 'homeboy'.
27. I will not suggest to Dr. McKay that he would look good in a gimp suit.
28. I will not attempt to requisition gold contact lenses and a voice synthesiser from supplies.
29. I will not attempt to requisition stormtrooper gear from supplies.
30. I will not attempt to requisition false teeth and long white wigs from supplies.
31. I must not refer to Dr. Weir as 'Mom'.
32. I must not refer to Colonel Sheppard as 'Dad'.
33. I must not invite the female officers to go skinnydipping in the sea.
34. I must not perform the hakka when the New Zealand personnel enter the room.
35. I will not ask the New Zealand personnel to say 'six fish for dinner'.
36. I will not make sheep jokes in front of the Scottish, Welsh, or New Zealand personnel.
37. I will not add Canada as the '51st state of the USA'.
38. I will not add Australia as the '52nd state of the USA'.
39. I will not put 'this has been authorised by the Great and Powerful Oz who reigns here in Atlantis City' on the front page of my status reports.
40. 'The voices in my head told me to do it' is not a reasonable excuse, especially involving anything to do with Lieutenant Cadman or Dr. McKay.
41. I am not allowed to stick up pictures of superior officers on the shooting range.
42. I am not allowed to stick up pictures of asshole scientists on the shooting range.
43. I am not allowed to scrounge equipment from the Pegasus galaxy natives in exchange for 'magic beans'
44. I am not allowed to sell 'magic beans' to the Pegasus galaxy natives.
45. I must not inventory any piece of Atlantis technology as an 'Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator'.
46. I must not call Dr. Zelenka, 'Dr. Feelgood'.
47. I must not call Dr. McKay, 'Doc Ock'.
48. I must not call Dr. Beckett, 'The Love Doctor'.
49. I must not announce to personnel that 'the Love Doctor is in' when they arrive at the infirmary.
50. When given an order, I will not ask if someone 'wants fries with that'.
51. It is not appropriate to inquire after people's sex lives.
52. It is not appropriate to ask people to inquire after your sex life.
53. It is not funny to replace the regular coffee grinds with decaf.
54. It is not funny to switch the regular instant coffee with the decaf instant coffee.
55. At the end of meeetings, I will not conclude, "Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!"
56. When new shipments of food arrive in the city, I will not declare, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
57. I will not tell Ronon Dex that his wrestling name should be 'The Stud-Man'.
58. I will not plug power cords into blocks of grey plasticine which I have labelled 'C4 explosive'.
59. I will not post 'Makin' Whoopee' signs outside Dr. McKay's lab when he is working late with his colleagues.
60. Colonel Sheppard is not 'a lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
-fin-
NOTES: Anyone want to add another 41 Things Skippy Should Not Do to bring the total up to 101?
SUMMARY: There are things people Just Don't Do. Then there are people like Corporal Skip 'Skippy' Dorset.
CATEGORY: Humour
RATING: PG-13
NOTES: Shamelessly referencing 'Skippy's List and assorted other 'things to do when you're bored' lists, and appropriately adjusted to apply to Atlantis.
Sixty Things Skippy Can't Do In Atlantis
If you know where to look on the Atlantis network, there's a site entitled 'Corporal Skip 'Skippy' Dorset's List Of Things He Can't Do'. It's one of the better-known secrets of the expedition personnel, and often used as an inductory handbook for the more high-spirited personnel arriving in Atlantis.
Most personnel just call it 'Skippy's List'.
1. I will not use the Atlantis network to play 'World of Warcraft'.
2. I will not address Dr. Katie Brown as 'the luscious Dana Scully'.
3. I will not send emails to Dr. Katie Brown with a subject of: 'Those X-Files you requested on alien DNA...'.
4. My proper military title is 'Corporal Dorset' not 'The Grand High Poo-Bah Of Atlantis'
5. I will not threaten anyone with a 'dematerialiser' that is actually an Ancient version of a gameboy.
6. I will not threaten anyone with a 'dematerialiser' that is any kind of Ancient technology.
7. I will not threaten anyone with a 'dematerialiser' at all.
8. I will not sing the 'Stars and Stripes' at morning mess.
9. I will not sing 'Taps' at evening mess.
10. I will not sing 'Nessun Dorma' while walking night patrol along the personnel quarters.
11. I will not tell the Athosians that Colonel Sheppard is worshipped as a god back on Earth.
12. I will not shout, 'Kneel before your god!' when Colonel Sheppard enters the room.
13. I will not encourage others to refer to Dr. Stanathopouthos as 'Dr. Stan-of-the-Poofters'.
14. I will not sing Denis Leary's 'Asshole' when Dr. Kavanaugh enters the room.
15. I will not offer to teach Teyla Emmagen the lambada.
16. I will not whistle 'Hail to the Chief' when Dr. Weir passes by in the corridor.
17. I am not allowed to use 'the Wraith made me do it' as an excuse.
18. I must not speak with a fake French accent around any of the French personnel, or any Canadian personnel with French backgrounds.
19. I must not speak with a fake Russian accent around any of the Russian or Eastern European personnel.
20. I will not offer to trade sexual favours with Dr. McKay in exchange for my own personal naquadah generator.
21. I will not add, "And I for one welcome our new insect overlords" during a siege by the Wraith.
22. I will not borrow Athosian maracas to sing, "I am evil Dorset!"
23. I will not use the excuse 'Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from animals. Except the weasel' to weasel out of any of my duties.
24. I will not state that 'people with the Ancient gene don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.'
25. I will not ask Lieutenant Bergen, 'you dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?'
26. I will not refer to any African-American or dark-skinned personnel in Atlantis as 'homeboy'.
27. I will not suggest to Dr. McKay that he would look good in a gimp suit.
28. I will not attempt to requisition gold contact lenses and a voice synthesiser from supplies.
29. I will not attempt to requisition stormtrooper gear from supplies.
30. I will not attempt to requisition false teeth and long white wigs from supplies.
31. I must not refer to Dr. Weir as 'Mom'.
32. I must not refer to Colonel Sheppard as 'Dad'.
33. I must not invite the female officers to go skinnydipping in the sea.
34. I must not perform the hakka when the New Zealand personnel enter the room.
35. I will not ask the New Zealand personnel to say 'six fish for dinner'.
36. I will not make sheep jokes in front of the Scottish, Welsh, or New Zealand personnel.
37. I will not add Canada as the '51st state of the USA'.
38. I will not add Australia as the '52nd state of the USA'.
39. I will not put 'this has been authorised by the Great and Powerful Oz who reigns here in Atlantis City' on the front page of my status reports.
40. 'The voices in my head told me to do it' is not a reasonable excuse, especially involving anything to do with Lieutenant Cadman or Dr. McKay.
41. I am not allowed to stick up pictures of superior officers on the shooting range.
42. I am not allowed to stick up pictures of asshole scientists on the shooting range.
43. I am not allowed to scrounge equipment from the Pegasus galaxy natives in exchange for 'magic beans'
44. I am not allowed to sell 'magic beans' to the Pegasus galaxy natives.
45. I must not inventory any piece of Atlantis technology as an 'Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator'.
46. I must not call Dr. Zelenka, 'Dr. Feelgood'.
47. I must not call Dr. McKay, 'Doc Ock'.
48. I must not call Dr. Beckett, 'The Love Doctor'.
49. I must not announce to personnel that 'the Love Doctor is in' when they arrive at the infirmary.
50. When given an order, I will not ask if someone 'wants fries with that'.
51. It is not appropriate to inquire after people's sex lives.
52. It is not appropriate to ask people to inquire after your sex life.
53. It is not funny to replace the regular coffee grinds with decaf.
54. It is not funny to switch the regular instant coffee with the decaf instant coffee.
55. At the end of meeetings, I will not conclude, "Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!"
56. When new shipments of food arrive in the city, I will not declare, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
57. I will not tell Ronon Dex that his wrestling name should be 'The Stud-Man'.
58. I will not plug power cords into blocks of grey plasticine which I have labelled 'C4 explosive'.
59. I will not post 'Makin' Whoopee' signs outside Dr. McKay's lab when he is working late with his colleagues.
60. Colonel Sheppard is not 'a lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
-fin-
NOTES: Anyone want to add another 41 Things Skippy Should Not Do to bring the total up to 101?