Forgive and Forget
Title: Forgive and Forget
Author: Les
Pairings: John/Rodney, Jack/Daniel
Rating: R
Warning: Deathfic, very dark, be prepared for it.
Summary: The flash of gold in his eyes was all it took for them to know it wasn’t really him…
Disclaimer: Not mine, mores the pity. I’ll return them all in time.
A/N: Written for the sga22_slash challenge using prompt # 16 and prompt # 6. I’m in a really harsh mood tonight as I write this so my apologies ahead of time for how dark this story is…
We saved him or so we thought…
It’s been several weeks now since we brought him home and removed the symbiot from him. He hasn’t said a word since then. Not one word. Occasionally he looks at us, acknowledges our presence and our words, but he doesn’t speak. Carson says there is nothing wrong with his voice or his throat; he just doesn’t speak. He doesn’t have to speak for us to know what he’s thinking; it’s all there in his eyes. He remembers everything he said, everything he did. He also knows he couldn’t stop it all from happening. It wasn’t his fault; he wasn’t in control. But still, he doesn’t speak.
Jack came to talk to him today but he never said a word. Just looked right through him as if he weren’t there. When Jack tried to touch him, though, he scrambled back so quickly that he almost hurt himself. Jack held up his hands and backed away, whispering soft words meant to comfort but he wouldn’t be comforted. Later, in our quarters, Jack told me that maybe we hadn’t saved him at all. I told him, I wouldn’t believe that. We saved him. I know we did. I have to believe in that or else all the pain and agony and death would have all been in vain.
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I wish they had just let me die. I didn’t want to be brought home. I wanted to sit there and hold him in my arms and just die with him. He was so cold and they took him from my arms and I screamed at them that he was too cold, that I had to keep him warm but they took him from me anyway. They never did let me see him again. I watched them put him in that sarcophagus and then I was taken away. They pulled me out of the room and held me tightly between them. I begged for someone to kill me, to end all of it, but they wouldn’t do that. They told me I’d be okay, that everything would be fine. I didn’t believe them then. I still don’t believe them now.
Jack comes almost every day. He tells me that everything is fine, that no one blames me and that I certainly should not blame myself. He tells me he needs me back, that they all need me back, that the city doesn’t want to cooperate with any of them anymore. He says if I don’t come back to them that we’ll have to leave. I think that is probably for the best, but I don’t tell him that. Instead, I tell the city to cooperate with them and she listens for the most part. I think she misses him too. She mourns the loss of any who are part of her, even those who weren’t part of her from the beginning. She loves Jack, but she loves me more… and so she listens and Jack comes back the next day and tells me things are improving. I say nothing because there really is nothing left to say.
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I can’t forgive, but maybe, just for a few moments, I could forget…
They didn’t let me do much those first couple of weeks after they brought us home. I had to stay in the infirmary under Carson’s continual watch. The second week I had to stay on my side of the city and away from anything or anyone that would come in contact with him. They said he didn’t know that I was alive. There wasn’t much I could say to that. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to know that I was alive. They assured me that they had removed the symbiot and that he was no longer under Goa’uld influence. I’m not sure that it matters. I will have nightmares for a very long time about what he did to me, but always mixed into those nightmares are memories of what we shared prior to our hellish experience.
During the third week, I asked Jack to let me see him. Jack had been keeping me informed about how he was doing and such and it didn’t sound like he was doing very well at all. I knew what he was doing. He was withdrawing from everyone. Yes, he still ate what they brought him and he still slept, but he was withdrawing. I knew at some point he might even attempt suicide. I was amazed he hadn’t done it yet. Jack said they were keeping him under very close watch but I know him. He’ll find a way and no one will be able to stop him when that time comes.
Jack takes me to him, leaves me just outside the door and tells me the decision is mine. He won’t make me go in there and neither will he hold me back if I choose to walk through those doors. I sigh heavily and think the door open. It slides back slowly, quietly and I look inside, my heart almost breaking as I do. He’s sitting in a chair, his back to the door and he makes no movement or sound that would show he knows someone has entered the room. His hair is a little longer, but no less messy. I step into the room and the door closes behind him. He still has not moved.
I watch him for a moment, knowing that he has no idea I’m alive and standing behind him. Once upon a time he knew where I was every moment of every day. Now he has let himself retreat so far into his own mind that he no longer knows where anyone is or what they are doing. As I look at him, I realize that I can’t forgive, but maybe, just for a few moments, I could forget. I walk around to his side and kneel down next to him. I took his hand in mine and held it tightly, my hand clasping his. It’s then that I notice his ring is missing. I look up at him and brush a lock of hair from his face.
“John,” I whisper softly. “John, look at me, please.” For a moment, there is nothing, no recognition, no movement, nothing. I lean forward and kiss the side of his face gently and then lean back again, resting on my heels, waiting. Finally, he turns and those hazel eyes meet mine and I begin to see recognition dawning in those eyes. With that recognition comes tears and I can’t resist. I pull him into my arms and hold him tightly. I let him cry and I cry with him. I can’t forgive… at least not just yet…
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I knew he’d go in there. I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away from him forever. What they have, their love, is something so strong and binding that I don’t think anything would ever keep them away from each other. It’s like what I have and feel for my Daniel. He is my life, my heart, and my soul. If what had happened with John and Rodney were to ever happen to Daniel and me, I’m fairly certain things would happen in this same way. I couldn’t lose Daniel but, like Rodney, I’m not so sure I would ever be able to get over it if he were the one to harm me.
I’ve told Daniel that we’re staying here indefinitely. He’s okay with that. He wants to stay here. A part of him loves John and Rodney and he wants so badly for them to both be okay. So we’ll stay.
My first thought when he brought John and Rodney home was that we had saved them… but then after a couple of days I was no longer sure of that. But Daniel always had faith, always kept up hope that they would both heal from this if given enough time to do so.
I’m beginning to believe him…
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It had never been explained to the people of Atlantis that the Goa’uld might one day find out where they were. It had never been spoken that perhaps the Goa’uld might find an ally in the Wraith… or perhaps even worse, enslave the Wraith and then come and try to destroy the allies of the Lanteans.
It hadn’t been planned, but Jack O’Neill had arrived on Atlantis along with Daniel Jackson and about fifty marines along with two Asgard battleships. They had beaten back the Wraith and most of the Goa’uld but not before John Sheppard and Rodney McKay had been taken aboard a mother ship along with various other soldiers and personnel.
Jack, Ronon, Teyla, Daniel, Cameron Mitchell, Teal’c, Bates, Lorne and Beckett along with more marines boarded the ship three days later in order to rescue Sheppard, McKay and anyone else who had survived.
They had not been prepared for what they’d found. John Sheppard sitting on the floor of a cell, holding Rodney in his arms, blood seeping into their clothes and pooling onto the floor around them. It was Jack who had called John’s name first. John looked up and the flash of gold in his eyes was all it took for them to know it wasn’t really him. There was so much blood and no one knew who had been injured or how badly. Daniel was the one to notice the sarcophagus in the room and he shuddered at his own bad memories. They had managed to pry John away from Rodney but John put up one hell of a fight. In the end, Beckett had sedated him and they’d put Rodney in the sarc.
They’d gotten both back to Atlantis without much more incident and they had all learned that John was prone to talking in his dreams… or rather his nightmares. The Asgard had helped remove the symbiot inside of John and had assured the T’auri that John would heal in time. Rodney was slowly recovering as well but in a separate room and well away from John.
The ramblings of nightmares was more than enough to tell everyone what had happened over those three days. John had been implanted with a symbiot and had proceeded to torture Rodney, killing him more than five times and reviving him each time. Apparently, towards the end of the third day, John had managed to regain enough control to honor Rodney’s wishes of not being returned to the sarcophagus. That was the day they’d been found by the rescue party…
Rodney had asked for release. John had wanted to be killed. Now they both had to recover and survive for themselves and for each other…