Merry Go Round Broke Down 17
anonymous
February 17 2011, 12:54:25 UTC
(I swear Rodney is coming back into this damn thing soon. WITH TALKING.)
-
At the next session John sits in on, Dr. Esguerra hands him a stack of cards.
"I haven't had the best response trying to get Marines to repeat self-talk phrases after me," she says. "I think that since Colonel Sheppard's making himself available, we'll take advantage of the voice of authority and let him lead you through this exercise."
Kolsrud nods, and John reads the first card: "I can take responsibility without dwelling on what went wrong." The Marine echoes it dutifully, and John flips to the next one. "I can accept my regret and move on."
Gamely, Kolsrud says it too, but he's giving John a doubtful look and John's sure he's reflecting his skepticism right back, even though he's doing his level best to stay neutral.
"It's okay if you feel silly," says Dr. Esguerra. "It doesn't even matter if you hate it, or if you think it's a bunch of crap." They both look at her with surprise; she smiles. "It's not important, as long as you're thinking about the phrases. Even if what you're thinking about them is that they're stupid and they can't possibly be helpful-- that still means you're focusing on them, and they'll still help. So please, even if you think you're just humoring me or marking time to get through this session... continue."
"No one thing defines me as a person," John reads, and Kolsrud repeats.
-
After the session ends and Kolsrud leaves, John's embarrassed and angry, but he's not sure it's justified. He does his best to screw it down and lets his arm hang casually from the arm of the chair. "Some of those self-talk phrases didn't seem all that pertinent."
"They were," Dr. Esguerra replies.
"Just seems a little weird is all," he continues. "You have me say the magic words along with him, and coincidentally some of them seem like maybe they're skewed a little more toward the stuff you and I talked about last time."
"I tried to make the exercise as helpful as I could," she says evenly.
It sounds like confirmation to John. "You think that's a good idea? Distracting from your patient to work on me? I'm not here for treatment."
"I designed this exercise for Denny," Dr. Esguerra's voice sharpens momentarily, her consonants peaked. "I included you because I believed it would help him. If it benefits you too, that's a positive side effect. But Denny is absolutely my priority. If you feel targeted, Colonel, you need to ask yourself why that might be." She's more tranquil again as she adds, "My door is always open if you want support to explore the question."
John bites his mouth and makes himself think instead of just reacting. "Sorry. I shouldn't second-guess you."
"I'm not taking it personally. It's all right to talk about anything that's on your mind, Colonel. That's what I'm here for. Or Dr. Tien or Dr. Opsahl, if you'd be more comfortable with one of them." At his hesitation, she says, "What about this. I'll block out an hour for you, day after tomorrow. We can discuss rehab plans for Kolsrud and Arizmendi. And we'll have time after that, so if you'd like to talk then, we can."
"I can't really say no, can I," he says as lightly as he can. "I promised you I'd make the time."
She smiles at him. "See you then."
-
John sees her then, and it only takes ten minutes to agree on a rehab plan to get Kolsrud and Arizmendi back in training, on a schedule that'll give them work to occupy them without too much stress while they readjust. Kolsrud has offered to help Arizmendi with his physical therapy, and Arizmendi's accepted; with support from Dr. Esguerra, that seems like it could help mend the team.
Once that's settled, Dr. Esguerra directs her gaze out the window to the view while John works his way around to talking.
"You said during that exercise last time that it didn't matter what we thought about it, that it'd still help," he says.
"That's the principle, yes."
"I guess I'm wondering if there's anything else that just... works."
Re: Merry Go Round Broke Down 17
anonymous
February 17 2011, 21:50:26 UTC
I second this. 'No one thing defines me as a person.' John's been thinking just that for so long, it doesn't matter if the shrink meant it as a comfort to Denny or aimed it at John (I don't believe the latter - it just hits to close to home. The guilty flee when no man pursueth, right?).
Still holding out for the happy ending for John, even if it isn't a John/Rodney one.
Re: Merry Go Round Broke Down 17
anonymous
February 18 2011, 03:47:03 UTC
Go John! Talk to someone! You don't have to feel crappy about yourself all the time! I think a lot of people could stand to hear that as a truth: Really. You don't have to feel bad about yourself all the time. That can change.
Re: Merry Go Round Broke Down 17
anonymous
February 18 2011, 04:30:08 UTC
I really like the directions you've been taking this. I'm glad you panned back from John and Rodney, because it's a given that their relationship is not perfect. In the real world, your relationships with others help make up the shortfalls in your primary relationship, and I feel like that's what you're showing us here. It's a kind of realism that's neglected in romance writing, and I'm enjoying John having positive interaction with others. Even Woolsey: I count that conversation as positive because John was able to tell him what was wrong in a mostly honest way.
I'm interested to see how you finally get Rodney to talk. I think Rodney convinced himself he shouldn't show/tell John any loving feelings because that would make him less dangerous and therefore less useful to John. Just because John doesn't feel the humiliation anymore is no reason to change; Rodney just doesn't have to be so careful about showing affection. Also, not telling John he loves him protects Rodney from rejection. So you have the big Rodney motivators, indispensability and self-protection, going to keep his mouth shut.
Ahem. Anyway, you can tell I love your writing. Thank you.
Re: Merry Go Round Broke Down 17
anonymous
February 18 2011, 09:25:37 UTC
Hmm. I'm intrigued about where John's going with his: "I guess I'm wondering if there's anything else that just... works."
I'm kind of with him though about Dr. Esguerra's tactics. She does seem to be trying to work with him surreptitiously, to me. Which is not quite kosher, if so.
Re: Merry Go Round Broke Down 17
anonymous
February 18 2011, 10:09:57 UTC
Since I'm writing from John's POV, this point is probably ambiguous at best, so I will go ahead and clarify that she really wasn't targeting John. (Or such was my authorial intent, anyway.)
Earlier when she asked him what he would say to Denny about his sense of responsibility, she really was anticipating that Denny might ask something like that if she brought John in on another open-ended talk session. And her self-talk exercises for Denny are about dealing with his guilt and shame over the accident. Guilt and shame are huge issues for John, so he takes it personally, but it wasn't aimed at him. I find it hard to show her sincerity, though, with his POV dominating the text.
I also want to say, thank you for commenting. I feel really lucky to get feedback on these parts as they go up. It's very encouraging to get such thoughtful responses, and I'm grateful.
-
At the next session John sits in on, Dr. Esguerra hands him a stack of cards.
"I haven't had the best response trying to get Marines to repeat self-talk phrases after me," she says. "I think that since Colonel Sheppard's making himself available, we'll take advantage of the voice of authority and let him lead you through this exercise."
Kolsrud nods, and John reads the first card: "I can take responsibility without dwelling on what went wrong." The Marine echoes it dutifully, and John flips to the next one. "I can accept my regret and move on."
Gamely, Kolsrud says it too, but he's giving John a doubtful look and John's sure he's reflecting his skepticism right back, even though he's doing his level best to stay neutral.
"It's okay if you feel silly," says Dr. Esguerra. "It doesn't even matter if you hate it, or if you think it's a bunch of crap." They both look at her with surprise; she smiles. "It's not important, as long as you're thinking about the phrases. Even if what you're thinking about them is that they're stupid and they can't possibly be helpful-- that still means you're focusing on them, and they'll still help. So please, even if you think you're just humoring me or marking time to get through this session... continue."
"No one thing defines me as a person," John reads, and Kolsrud repeats.
-
After the session ends and Kolsrud leaves, John's embarrassed and angry, but he's not sure it's justified. He does his best to screw it down and lets his arm hang casually from the arm of the chair. "Some of those self-talk phrases didn't seem all that pertinent."
"They were," Dr. Esguerra replies.
"Just seems a little weird is all," he continues. "You have me say the magic words along with him, and coincidentally some of them seem like maybe they're skewed a little more toward the stuff you and I talked about last time."
"I tried to make the exercise as helpful as I could," she says evenly.
It sounds like confirmation to John. "You think that's a good idea? Distracting from your patient to work on me? I'm not here for treatment."
"I designed this exercise for Denny," Dr. Esguerra's voice sharpens momentarily, her consonants peaked. "I included you because I believed it would help him. If it benefits you too, that's a positive side effect. But Denny is absolutely my priority. If you feel targeted, Colonel, you need to ask yourself why that might be." She's more tranquil again as she adds, "My door is always open if you want support to explore the question."
John bites his mouth and makes himself think instead of just reacting. "Sorry. I shouldn't second-guess you."
"I'm not taking it personally. It's all right to talk about anything that's on your mind, Colonel. That's what I'm here for. Or Dr. Tien or Dr. Opsahl, if you'd be more comfortable with one of them." At his hesitation, she says, "What about this. I'll block out an hour for you, day after tomorrow. We can discuss rehab plans for Kolsrud and Arizmendi. And we'll have time after that, so if you'd like to talk then, we can."
"I can't really say no, can I," he says as lightly as he can. "I promised you I'd make the time."
She smiles at him. "See you then."
-
John sees her then, and it only takes ten minutes to agree on a rehab plan to get Kolsrud and Arizmendi back in training, on a schedule that'll give them work to occupy them without too much stress while they readjust. Kolsrud has offered to help Arizmendi with his physical therapy, and Arizmendi's accepted; with support from Dr. Esguerra, that seems like it could help mend the team.
Once that's settled, Dr. Esguerra directs her gaze out the window to the view while John works his way around to talking.
"You said during that exercise last time that it didn't matter what we thought about it, that it'd still help," he says.
"That's the principle, yes."
"I guess I'm wondering if there's anything else that just... works."
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Still holding out for the happy ending for John, even if it isn't a John/Rodney one.
Reply
Very apropos, yes! Thank you for your feedback. I'm grateful for the thoughtful responses.
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I'm interested to see how you finally get Rodney to talk. I think Rodney convinced himself he shouldn't show/tell John any loving feelings because that would make him less dangerous and therefore less useful to John. Just because John doesn't feel the humiliation anymore is no reason to change; Rodney just doesn't have to be so careful about showing affection. Also, not telling John he loves him protects Rodney from rejection. So you have the big Rodney motivators, indispensability and self-protection, going to keep his mouth shut.
Ahem. Anyway, you can tell I love your writing. Thank you.
Reply
Reply
I'm kind of with him though about Dr. Esguerra's tactics. She does seem to be trying to work with him surreptitiously, to me. Which is not quite kosher, if so.
Reply
Earlier when she asked him what he would say to Denny about his sense of responsibility, she really was anticipating that Denny might ask something like that if she brought John in on another open-ended talk session. And her self-talk exercises for Denny are about dealing with his guilt and shame over the accident. Guilt and shame are huge issues for John, so he takes it personally, but it wasn't aimed at him. I find it hard to show her sincerity, though, with his POV dominating the text.
I also want to say, thank you for commenting. I feel really lucky to get feedback on these parts as they go up. It's very encouraging to get such thoughtful responses, and I'm grateful.
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