Merry Go Round Broke Down 15
anonymous
February 13 2011, 14:03:50 UTC
John ends up seeing Dr. Esguerra after all. AR-4 winds up in the middle of a culling, and in the chaos, Sgt. Kolsrud fires on Lt. Arizmendi.
From the mission reports, Kolsrud saw the silhouette of a tall figure with a Wraith stunner and shot instinctively. Arizmendi was still clutching the stunner to him when they brought him back to Atlantis, bloody foam on his lips.
Keller and her people save Arizmendi's life, and Ancient technology saves him from a lifetime of dialysis, but that leaves him recuperating and Kolsrud plagued with guilt and leery of discharging his weapon again.
Kate Heightmeyer used to bring John in on a session sometimes when she counseled people under his command, whenever it seemed like it might help them to hear some things straight from the CO. So John lets Esguerra know that if she wants to do the same, he can make time to sit in.
John doesn't like to think he has a routine for this, but he usually ends up saying similar things every time. "It wasn't your fault." "We know you did your best. No one could have done better." "I'm proud to serve with you."
Kolsrud listens, at first just nodding, but as the hour wears on he turns to John. "If I'd been thinking I would have called to him before I shot."
"Absolutely not. If he'd been a Wraith, that would have given away your position. You did the right thing."
Sgt. Kolsrud shakes his head, meeting John's eyes with a pained look. "I should have known his position. We drill on that all the time, always know your team's positions."
"He couldn't call it in," John tells him, "he was choking on the smoke. That's not his fault and it's not yours."
"It's natural to doubt yourself after an accident," says Dr. Esguerra. "It's normal to feel this way, but this feeling is guilt, it's not the truth. You were not to blame."
"If I'd really looked, I'd've known from his hair." Kolsrud twists his fingers together, shifting uncomfortably. "They all have long hair."
"Michael and his hybrids don't," John says. "And you can't always see that. You couldn't rely on it."
"No, you don't understand. I'm-- I'm one of the slowest to draw a bead around here. If I were faster," says Kolsrud, "I could have waited for the smoke to clear, but I thought I might not have enough time to get the shot if he got closer to me. I wasn't thinking about anything but my own hide."
"This could have happened to anyone," John says. "Fast shot, slow, sharpshooter, it wouldn't have mattered."
"It's not selfish to protect yourself," says Dr. Esguerra.
"You were surrounded by Wraith during a culling. Of course your instinct's going to be to protect yourself," John agrees. "But that wasn't really all you were doing, was it? You and Sobel were both firing on darts. Sobel said you brought one down. You had to put yourself at risk to do that. And it takes some fast shooting."
Kolsrud looks at his hands. "Or a lot of bullets. Sir, I know what you're trying to do for me, but I'm just not par with the other guys. I knew it, but I didn't want to admit it. I went out there anyway and I got Arizmendi almost killed."
"You didn't decide to go out there," John puts a little more authority in his tone. "I sent you out there. I assigned you to AR-4. I gave AR-4 the mission to visit PYL-891. I evaluated your skills, including your shooting ability, and I decided to put you on a gate team. If that was the wrong move, it was my wrong move. But I'm confident you were the right person for the assignment."
"I should've trained harder--"
"I'm in charge of your training too," says John. "If you really weren't trained well enough, that'd be on me. Sergeant..." Esguerra flicks a look at him, and John takes it as reproof and amends, "Denny, I chose you for AR-4, Lorne agreed with my decision, and you got a thumbs-up from Teyla and Ronon-- they know better than anyone what it takes to survive against the Wraith. What happened to you could have happened to anybody. I don't think anyone here could have done better."
Dr. Esguerra nods, and addresses John. "I understand that during one of your missions, you fired on your teammates while under the influence of Wraith technology."
"It's true," John says, directing his answer to Kolsrud. "Ask McKay about it sometime, if you've got a lot of time on your hands."
From the mission reports, Kolsrud saw the silhouette of a tall figure with a Wraith stunner and shot instinctively. Arizmendi was still clutching the stunner to him when they brought him back to Atlantis, bloody foam on his lips.
Keller and her people save Arizmendi's life, and Ancient technology saves him from a lifetime of dialysis, but that leaves him recuperating and Kolsrud plagued with guilt and leery of discharging his weapon again.
Kate Heightmeyer used to bring John in on a session sometimes when she counseled people under his command, whenever it seemed like it might help them to hear some things straight from the CO. So John lets Esguerra know that if she wants to do the same, he can make time to sit in.
John doesn't like to think he has a routine for this, but he usually ends up saying similar things every time. "It wasn't your fault." "We know you did your best. No one could have done better." "I'm proud to serve with you."
Kolsrud listens, at first just nodding, but as the hour wears on he turns to John. "If I'd been thinking I would have called to him before I shot."
"Absolutely not. If he'd been a Wraith, that would have given away your position. You did the right thing."
Sgt. Kolsrud shakes his head, meeting John's eyes with a pained look. "I should have known his position. We drill on that all the time, always know your team's positions."
"He couldn't call it in," John tells him, "he was choking on the smoke. That's not his fault and it's not yours."
"It's natural to doubt yourself after an accident," says Dr. Esguerra. "It's normal to feel this way, but this feeling is guilt, it's not the truth. You were not to blame."
"If I'd really looked, I'd've known from his hair." Kolsrud twists his fingers together, shifting uncomfortably. "They all have long hair."
"Michael and his hybrids don't," John says. "And you can't always see that. You couldn't rely on it."
"No, you don't understand. I'm-- I'm one of the slowest to draw a bead around here. If I were faster," says Kolsrud, "I could have waited for the smoke to clear, but I thought I might not have enough time to get the shot if he got closer to me. I wasn't thinking about anything but my own hide."
"This could have happened to anyone," John says. "Fast shot, slow, sharpshooter, it wouldn't have mattered."
"It's not selfish to protect yourself," says Dr. Esguerra.
"You were surrounded by Wraith during a culling. Of course your instinct's going to be to protect yourself," John agrees. "But that wasn't really all you were doing, was it? You and Sobel were both firing on darts. Sobel said you brought one down. You had to put yourself at risk to do that. And it takes some fast shooting."
Kolsrud looks at his hands. "Or a lot of bullets. Sir, I know what you're trying to do for me, but I'm just not par with the other guys. I knew it, but I didn't want to admit it. I went out there anyway and I got Arizmendi almost killed."
"You didn't decide to go out there," John puts a little more authority in his tone. "I sent you out there. I assigned you to AR-4. I gave AR-4 the mission to visit PYL-891. I evaluated your skills, including your shooting ability, and I decided to put you on a gate team. If that was the wrong move, it was my wrong move. But I'm confident you were the right person for the assignment."
"I should've trained harder--"
"I'm in charge of your training too," says John. "If you really weren't trained well enough, that'd be on me. Sergeant..." Esguerra flicks a look at him, and John takes it as reproof and amends, "Denny, I chose you for AR-4, Lorne agreed with my decision, and you got a thumbs-up from Teyla and Ronon-- they know better than anyone what it takes to survive against the Wraith. What happened to you could have happened to anybody. I don't think anyone here could have done better."
Dr. Esguerra nods, and addresses John. "I understand that during one of your missions, you fired on your teammates while under the influence of Wraith technology."
"It's true," John says, directing his answer to Kolsrud. "Ask McKay about it sometime, if you've got a lot of time on your hands."
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