Merry Go Round Broke Down 8
anonymous
February 3 2011, 23:04:34 UTC
He doesn't have a chance to wonder long; Rodney ushers him out. "Here, take your crappy beer," Rodney gives back the last two cans of the six-pack, dangling from the plastic rings. "And your stupid magazine," and with that, he pushes John out the door.
He looks at the magazine. It's an old Golf Digest. The last time John saw it, Rodney rolled it up and smacked him across the nose with it for humping against Rodney's leg like a dog. With his new clarity, John remembers how Rodney pressed his leg against John and then tore into him for rubbing off on it.
He never knew Rodney had that kind of thing in him. But when he found out, he didn't second guess it. He was getting what he needed for the first time in years; he didn't have to spend his days cramped and fearful that he'd give himself away. He was able to relax a little, talk to people even, less worried that he'd slip, less wary that something would set him off.
So maybe he feels like he owes Rodney something, in a weird way, or maybe he craves even geared-down sex, because John comes back. He almost feels like he ought to sneak, even though it's ridiculous. He spent five years going in and out of Rodney's room with DVDs and beer and chess and innocent intentions, and months going there, too turned-on to take more than the barest precautions against being caught, whenever Rodney would let him in to debase himself for cock. No one notices any difference now that he's swinging by to have sedate, unspectacular sex.
It's not that often, every week or ten days or so, but the fourth time, Rodney lets him in and says, "Again? Christ, Sheppard, even without a sex drive, you're still a slut."
He's almost stopped expecting the sick hot feeling that always used to accompany humiliation; it's not a surprise anymore when the shame doesn't excite him. He just feels sick, nothing compelling about it at all.
"Forget it," John says, and leaves.
-
A couple of days later, Rodney comes to John's room.
"Can't even take it anymore?" he asks scornfully.
John shrugs. "Why should I?"
Rodney studies him. "Fine," he says. "We could try anal sex. In case that magically makes a difference somehow."
It doesn't, but it feels good to get fucked again. Once Rodney gets into a good rhythm John's able to get off without spraining his wrist, and then he just kind of enjoys the full feeling, the bare hint of discomfort. He experiments with different ways of moving back to meet Rodney until Rodney's thrusts get fast and uneven, and he pulls out and comes on John's ass.
He used to make John rub it in, or stand up while it dripped off and Rodney ridiculed his sloppy used hole and come-stained ass.
This time Rodney swipes it all off with a handful of tissues. He cleans himself up and dresses. John's uncomfortable and embarrassed again, now that even his low level of sexual energy is spent. He's tense in case Rodney says something else, but Rodney just makes an aggravated huffing noise, looking for the DVD he brought with him. He finds it on John's desk and hesitates just a second before he goes.
Before-- or well, before before-- they would've really watched it. Teyla and Ronon mostly only like documentaries and sports, so they all watched those as a team, and occasionally when they could grab the time, he and Rodney took in other movies on their own.
Probably John screwed up by initiating sex again, but it wasn't like things were going to go back anyway; Rodney as much as said so.
That just leaves him where he's increasingly finding himself these days... embarrassed and guilty with no way to resolve it. Though it never gets as bad as it used to, either, because it doesn't build on itself. The fact that he got off on shame fed the humiliation which fed the excitement which embarrassed him even more which turned him on... Now, it just dead-ends in this dull, rotten feeling, and he doesn't know what to do with himself.
Re: Merry Go Round Broke Down 8auburnnothennaFebruary 4 2011, 00:17:20 UTC
Damn it, I'm still holding out and hoping for some kind of happy resolution to this, but I'm way impressed by this examination of how even something that's good and wanted on the face of it has all these rippling consequences, not all of them that great. I remain convinced John is better off now, because before it endangered him in too many ways, but it's sad that he's lost something. It's like all those fairy tales; getting what you think you want or have to have always comes with a steep price and the lost of something else that mattered.
Also, he and Rodney really, really need to talk beyond Rodney's allusion to not drawing back the curtain.
Re: Merry Go Round Broke Down 8
anonymous
February 5 2011, 14:04:57 UTC
Thanks for following along. I think John's better off now than he was before, but his head hasn't stopped being a scary place. I'm trying to believably show him work through some of the issues that caused his kink to get so all-consuming in the first place, but writing John Sheppard being introspective... tricky even without this particular John's hot mess of a head.
Re: Merry Go Round Broke Down 8
anonymous
February 5 2011, 04:26:41 UTC
Loving this so far! I really like how John's almost having to relearn sex again, because without being crazy turned on, he has to pay attention. Which may not make for the best orgasms ever, but it's good that he's starting to think about what their encounters meant for Rodney, not just himself.
He looks at the magazine. It's an old Golf Digest. The last time John saw it, Rodney rolled it up and smacked him across the nose with it for humping against Rodney's leg like a dog. With his new clarity, John remembers how Rodney pressed his leg against John and then tore into him for rubbing off on it.
He never knew Rodney had that kind of thing in him. But when he found out, he didn't second guess it. He was getting what he needed for the first time in years; he didn't have to spend his days cramped and fearful that he'd give himself away. He was able to relax a little, talk to people even, less worried that he'd slip, less wary that something would set him off.
So maybe he feels like he owes Rodney something, in a weird way, or maybe he craves even geared-down sex, because John comes back. He almost feels like he ought to sneak, even though it's ridiculous. He spent five years going in and out of Rodney's room with DVDs and beer and chess and innocent intentions, and months going there, too turned-on to take more than the barest precautions against being caught, whenever Rodney would let him in to debase himself for cock. No one notices any difference now that he's swinging by to have sedate, unspectacular sex.
It's not that often, every week or ten days or so, but the fourth time, Rodney lets him in and says, "Again? Christ, Sheppard, even without a sex drive, you're still a slut."
He's almost stopped expecting the sick hot feeling that always used to accompany humiliation; it's not a surprise anymore when the shame doesn't excite him. He just feels sick, nothing compelling about it at all.
"Forget it," John says, and leaves.
-
A couple of days later, Rodney comes to John's room.
"Can't even take it anymore?" he asks scornfully.
John shrugs. "Why should I?"
Rodney studies him. "Fine," he says. "We could try anal sex. In case that magically makes a difference somehow."
It doesn't, but it feels good to get fucked again. Once Rodney gets into a good rhythm John's able to get off without spraining his wrist, and then he just kind of enjoys the full feeling, the bare hint of discomfort. He experiments with different ways of moving back to meet Rodney until Rodney's thrusts get fast and uneven, and he pulls out and comes on John's ass.
He used to make John rub it in, or stand up while it dripped off and Rodney ridiculed his sloppy used hole and come-stained ass.
This time Rodney swipes it all off with a handful of tissues. He cleans himself up and dresses. John's uncomfortable and embarrassed again, now that even his low level of sexual energy is spent. He's tense in case Rodney says something else, but Rodney just makes an aggravated huffing noise, looking for the DVD he brought with him. He finds it on John's desk and hesitates just a second before he goes.
Before-- or well, before before-- they would've really watched it. Teyla and Ronon mostly only like documentaries and sports, so they all watched those as a team, and occasionally when they could grab the time, he and Rodney took in other movies on their own.
Probably John screwed up by initiating sex again, but it wasn't like things were going to go back anyway; Rodney as much as said so.
That just leaves him where he's increasingly finding himself these days... embarrassed and guilty with no way to resolve it. Though it never gets as bad as it used to, either, because it doesn't build on itself. The fact that he got off on shame fed the humiliation which fed the excitement which embarrassed him even more which turned him on... Now, it just dead-ends in this dull, rotten feeling, and he doesn't know what to do with himself.
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Also, he and Rodney really, really need to talk beyond Rodney's allusion to not drawing back the curtain.
Looking forward to more if it comes.
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