Everything...has not been intended...although some has
Lately has been interesting. I know I say that way too much, but it’s true. I’ve been very interested in people lately, from their reactions to certain things, to the way they move, look, and think. And most of all is how all of those components work together. You’d think logically that this would all have to do with my watching people, but sadly no. It has a large amount to do with just myself. There are moments when I’ve noticed myself get totally out of hand, where I get angry and loud. There are others where I get timid and unusually self-conscious of my actions, where I become mute. I don’t understand myself. And perhaps it’s more fun this way, I’m not always sure.
It’s like Sam mentioned the anger with no real outlet, my inability to actually act out on my thoughts. Despite really wishing to do so, but the fear of the possible outcomes terrifying me. Where there was an audible hope, of something, that maybe I could be enough, that I could be for… But then the fears bearing down crushing my dreams, squash! …Or SPLAT! Whichever you prefer. It’s like morning coming in so bright that it wakes you even though you’ve got a blind and curtains. I hate feeling this hope sometimes, it’s almost a punishment, and no it is, especially when you realize the reality of…of everything.
That you can’t possibly compare. And it’s cruel to keep thinking that you might be able to, that you even stand a chance, because really you’ve done nothing to deserve it, or them, or anything really. Count my blessings everyday. And still I wish for more. Although it’s not as though I didn’t choose this life, it’s not like I could be somewhere else, so I don’t understand why I wish for more. I could be content and willing, waiting patiently for…
Why? Why do I lay myself out like I do? Why do I wait for nothing, because it doesn’t make sense? I should be more confident and less timid, but I can’t be that way…I should be loud and sultry and brazen (whatever the fuck that word means). But I’m not any of those. And try as I might to understand my wishes, hopes and dreams, the only solutions I come up with is hormones and wanting to be something and someone I’m not.
Damn dreams and their hopelessness. Damn them out of my head because it’s pointless, lame and cliché. All of it. Damn me. Damn me out of this piece of mind, because I won’t be there till I think about it again, tomorrow perhaps? I get this out here and I’ll go to bed and I’ll be safe from reality and slowly kill my heart some more. Because that’s what dreams do…they murder your heart into wishing and hoping that you are something more. Enough for…them, enough for want you want to accomplish. Yeah, for me it's definitely a them thing...I want what I can't get because of the inability to act out on my wishes and dreams. And it's lame and I know most of you would tell me to just go for it. But, I can't, I'm afraid...really truly afraid. Yes, I'm afraid because of everything I'm not, and everything I should be. I've psyched myself out for a failure so huge it will swallow me whole.
And it's like so many people I've known have told me, I'm nothing special...so why do I bother?
I had a jealous moment today and it scared me beyond all belief, the really funny thing is I have no right to be that way...well actually it's more pathetic then anything else.
Right leaving now.
It’s like Sam mentioned the anger with no real outlet, my inability to actually act out on my thoughts. Despite really wishing to do so, but the fear of the possible outcomes terrifying me. Where there was an audible hope, of something, that maybe I could be enough, that I could be for… But then the fears bearing down crushing my dreams, squash! …Or SPLAT! Whichever you prefer. It’s like morning coming in so bright that it wakes you even though you’ve got a blind and curtains. I hate feeling this hope sometimes, it’s almost a punishment, and no it is, especially when you realize the reality of…of everything.
That you can’t possibly compare. And it’s cruel to keep thinking that you might be able to, that you even stand a chance, because really you’ve done nothing to deserve it, or them, or anything really. Count my blessings everyday. And still I wish for more. Although it’s not as though I didn’t choose this life, it’s not like I could be somewhere else, so I don’t understand why I wish for more. I could be content and willing, waiting patiently for…
Why? Why do I lay myself out like I do? Why do I wait for nothing, because it doesn’t make sense? I should be more confident and less timid, but I can’t be that way…I should be loud and sultry and brazen (whatever the fuck that word means). But I’m not any of those. And try as I might to understand my wishes, hopes and dreams, the only solutions I come up with is hormones and wanting to be something and someone I’m not.
Damn dreams and their hopelessness. Damn them out of my head because it’s pointless, lame and cliché. All of it. Damn me. Damn me out of this piece of mind, because I won’t be there till I think about it again, tomorrow perhaps? I get this out here and I’ll go to bed and I’ll be safe from reality and slowly kill my heart some more. Because that’s what dreams do…they murder your heart into wishing and hoping that you are something more. Enough for…them, enough for want you want to accomplish. Yeah, for me it's definitely a them thing...I want what I can't get because of the inability to act out on my wishes and dreams. And it's lame and I know most of you would tell me to just go for it. But, I can't, I'm afraid...really truly afraid. Yes, I'm afraid because of everything I'm not, and everything I should be. I've psyched myself out for a failure so huge it will swallow me whole.
And it's like so many people I've known have told me, I'm nothing special...so why do I bother?
I had a jealous moment today and it scared me beyond all belief, the really funny thing is I have no right to be that way...well actually it's more pathetic then anything else.
Right leaving now.