Do You Ever...ever...ever?
Do you ever have those moments in reality when you know that you’re dreaming? Clinging on to a fantasy world of complete and utter disfunction. You know that if you let go, the world, the so-called reality, the collective reality will shine through. It’s a painful shine that burns your eyes and causes you to cringe, like staying inside, hidden, on a bright summer day. Or similar to being stuck in a dark room where there is immense white light coming from the other side of a door, the light pools and drips from the space where the door doesn’t quite meet the floor. Sometimes you think you want to be in that light, but it’s harsh and bitter. The only reasons for your flight to the place you’re in now, to escape the barren reality of everything. And you’re safe; you’d like to believe that they couldn’t touch you where you are. But it’s not true. They make attempts to hurt your reality, dishevel it and muss it up, in kin to pouring water on a painting made of watercolours. Then slowly you have to rebuild, erasing everything only to come to the realization that you are not the same person as before. You were changed and you have to be honest, even if it’s with no one else, you have changed. Sometimes you wish you could return to what you were before, other times you look back on yourself and think about what an arrogant and inconsiderate person you were; how could you like that. But, you know it happened for a reason, it’s life’s way, no Gods way of teaching you how you might better yourself, help others, and become someone that people might like. How you might learn to like yourself. And it’s funny, really truly it is, because you think of all the hurt that you’ve had to endure and all the pain you’ve caused and for some reason you are still you. Regardless of this change, people don’t know, they think you are still evil and coarse and mean. So you revert back to your former self because they refuse to take you for who you have become. It feels like falling into a pit when you have to be someone you are not, it’s like acting, but worse because it’s not a job that you’ve been asked to do, or even been paid to do, it’s hard. It’s lying.
Not everyone has qualms about this lying thing, I didn’t but I’ve changed. Truth shouldn’t be a weakness but is considered so, a lot like tears and crying. They consider it to be stupid and mind blowing, pitiful weakness. Is it truly so? No. To accept ones fears and mourning, to cry even because of happiness is not weak. It is just plain understanding and acceptance. So why is truth, like tears so under-rated? Two people, warriors. They have to fight to the death, to live of course. One is known for his killing with reckless abandon, the other for his mercy. Who is stronger? The first has never shed a tear in his whole career. The other apologizes to everyone he kills even to the family, providing they had one. He cries because he believes life is precious. So is it his belief that makes him weak? And why is he considered weak? Maybe it is because he accepts the fact that it could easily have been his death which makes him teary eyed; because he is scared that just because he lets people live, or pray one last time to whatever deity they wish, it could easily have been him. Not only that but they might not be so merciful. So the first man is considered stronger, braver and worthier. Why? He does not confront his emotions; he bottles them deep within his chest or mind. They could drive him insane, but he will not show his tears because salt water is sad. Or frightened. Or weak.
And I still can not convince myself that crying means a person is weak. Weak is more like a person who can not stop themselves concerning something too good. Or a person who can’t stop lying. Like a person who can’t stop eating or a person who can’t stop themselves sexually. Like a rapist. They are truly weak. Why is it so hard to stop things if later we should be ashamed of it? Because it gives us power highs…it makes us feel smarter, braver, and stronger and better then the people we’ve fooled and hurt. I realize now that I have fooled a lot of people. Hurt them. Because we might not like to admit, confront, or accept it. We all have done things like that. It’s a sick little high. We all are familiar with it. Let’s face it we like this high. But in the long run it is the righteous people who will make it. The people, who don’t need that high, in fact not only do they not want it, but they refuse it. The second warrior is like that. I want to be like that…not to be better, but to get there, happiness. Honest happiness.
Not everyone has qualms about this lying thing, I didn’t but I’ve changed. Truth shouldn’t be a weakness but is considered so, a lot like tears and crying. They consider it to be stupid and mind blowing, pitiful weakness. Is it truly so? No. To accept ones fears and mourning, to cry even because of happiness is not weak. It is just plain understanding and acceptance. So why is truth, like tears so under-rated? Two people, warriors. They have to fight to the death, to live of course. One is known for his killing with reckless abandon, the other for his mercy. Who is stronger? The first has never shed a tear in his whole career. The other apologizes to everyone he kills even to the family, providing they had one. He cries because he believes life is precious. So is it his belief that makes him weak? And why is he considered weak? Maybe it is because he accepts the fact that it could easily have been his death which makes him teary eyed; because he is scared that just because he lets people live, or pray one last time to whatever deity they wish, it could easily have been him. Not only that but they might not be so merciful. So the first man is considered stronger, braver and worthier. Why? He does not confront his emotions; he bottles them deep within his chest or mind. They could drive him insane, but he will not show his tears because salt water is sad. Or frightened. Or weak.
And I still can not convince myself that crying means a person is weak. Weak is more like a person who can not stop themselves concerning something too good. Or a person who can’t stop lying. Like a person who can’t stop eating or a person who can’t stop themselves sexually. Like a rapist. They are truly weak. Why is it so hard to stop things if later we should be ashamed of it? Because it gives us power highs…it makes us feel smarter, braver, and stronger and better then the people we’ve fooled and hurt. I realize now that I have fooled a lot of people. Hurt them. Because we might not like to admit, confront, or accept it. We all have done things like that. It’s a sick little high. We all are familiar with it. Let’s face it we like this high. But in the long run it is the righteous people who will make it. The people, who don’t need that high, in fact not only do they not want it, but they refuse it. The second warrior is like that. I want to be like that…not to be better, but to get there, happiness. Honest happiness.