making friends with shadows on my wall
If it wasn't so horrible, i would find it humorous.
I completely and utterly do not understand what propels me to do some of the things that i do. to the person that i love no less. well i suppose i have a little insight on it. Its a vicious cycle really.
I am fine with loving someone, but i hate the responsibility of being loved in return. So, (naturally) i do anything possible to fuck up the relationship or push the other person away. i thought i was over this little thang, but apparently not.. as evident by my trying to consciously tell myself to avoid talking to nikki for the remainder of the time at home so that i will become less attached by the time we go back to school. and by my rationale of breaking up now to avoid getting completely involved..(hmm, maybe this is why i have always been the breaker-upper). and by my drunken phone call to her last night in which i attempted to convey my thoughts (a consensus reached between Micah and i...we decided it was a good thing, however, i doubt he would have approved of the drunken car ride conversation) but failed to do anything but confuse both of us and keep her from sleeping. yeah. i think i made about six calls to her last night. i should always refrain from making pensive drunken phone calls. stick to the comically driven sam. argh. haha. yes, once again if it wasn’t so horrible, i would find it humorous- my abhorring romantic patterns that have the end result of me being by myself, something i think i am aware of and perhaps ok with mainly because i know at this rate, that is how i am going to end up. and hey, at least i don’t have to be embarrassed of certain crazier parts of me or my personality. maybe that is what i am most afraid of. stupid events like last night, i mean, some people must have high tolerance for ungrounded rants. if i were nikki, i would have stopped talking to me on a bench and just left me there two weeks ago. but she didn’t. and i saw her after that, i woke up next to her in the morning, so it was quite impossible to run away from the consequences of my actions, but now, after the embarrassment of last night, i know what i am going to do. its easier to run away from the fact that i made her feel all crappy, again (emphasis on the ‘again’ part of the sentence) . it is very frustrating to me that i cannot just bask in the mutual love we have for each other. and just be happy. i am working on it i suppose, but i fear that i will have succeeded in the completion of the pushing away process by the time i get my mind straightened out.
On other (not so) positive thangs-
i told my parents last night about nikki. i dont exactly know what i excepted. but it wasnt it. The conversation switched directly from nikki to you have to be careful drinking, Hispanics and alcoholism..blahdi blahdi blah...once again, i have managed disappoint the parents. i guess this time there is no use feeling bad about it though. its my life, i mean i am not going to apologize for using every speck of independence and individuality that they instilled in me throughout my childhood.
i hate contradiction and this is a huge one on their part.
my grandpa, not doing too well (or well at all). he is in a "rehabilitation home" which just means a nursing home with a delusion about death. i hate everything institutional...hospitals, nursing homes....i can't do them. especially nursing homes. but i will not delve into that any deeper.
i see certain things in my mom that i know i am guilty of. and i see certain other things that i just have to shake my head at.
i think she harbors a lot of regret.
i don't remember 40 minutes of highway time from last night.
The anniversary of my time behind the glass doors and barred windows is following me much longer than the specific date this year. Get Good Time!, erase these things.. isn’t that your job?
On positive thangs:
Friday night was great, I came back from going out, a little tipsy, but intent on writing. I didn’t get much written, but the peaceful feeling I was engrossed in was productive enough...Candlelight and incense, reflection in a soothing blue hued room..music and writing, a pen in hand...familiar surroundings that I recently discovered how much I missed..i can breathe deeper in here
No, I can breathe ...and sit back in submission as yellow light wanders into the room from the window which holds a view i revel in. the happiest moments in early morning lonesome paths of thought and deep appreciation of the smell of incense, the shadows from flickering light, the feeling which comes with possessing a place in the world where the you is palpable from ceiling to floor, where deep sighs are held in long embraces and tears are unquestioned but completely understood.
Chris, Jackie and I partied together for the first time in a very long time. It was fun, peeing together just forms a sort of naturally strong bond. I love drinking.
I guess all I can do is live and love this week and see what happens. Indulge in the simplicity of the feeling of love growing stronger. Let the smiles form when I think of her. Shake my head when the corniness comes, but do not chase it away. Stop the urge to overanalyze and complicate things that only lose meaning in the process.
And for once, allow others to sit on my pumpkin
I completely and utterly do not understand what propels me to do some of the things that i do. to the person that i love no less. well i suppose i have a little insight on it. Its a vicious cycle really.
I am fine with loving someone, but i hate the responsibility of being loved in return. So, (naturally) i do anything possible to fuck up the relationship or push the other person away. i thought i was over this little thang, but apparently not.. as evident by my trying to consciously tell myself to avoid talking to nikki for the remainder of the time at home so that i will become less attached by the time we go back to school. and by my rationale of breaking up now to avoid getting completely involved..(hmm, maybe this is why i have always been the breaker-upper). and by my drunken phone call to her last night in which i attempted to convey my thoughts (a consensus reached between Micah and i...we decided it was a good thing, however, i doubt he would have approved of the drunken car ride conversation) but failed to do anything but confuse both of us and keep her from sleeping. yeah. i think i made about six calls to her last night. i should always refrain from making pensive drunken phone calls. stick to the comically driven sam. argh. haha. yes, once again if it wasn’t so horrible, i would find it humorous- my abhorring romantic patterns that have the end result of me being by myself, something i think i am aware of and perhaps ok with mainly because i know at this rate, that is how i am going to end up. and hey, at least i don’t have to be embarrassed of certain crazier parts of me or my personality. maybe that is what i am most afraid of. stupid events like last night, i mean, some people must have high tolerance for ungrounded rants. if i were nikki, i would have stopped talking to me on a bench and just left me there two weeks ago. but she didn’t. and i saw her after that, i woke up next to her in the morning, so it was quite impossible to run away from the consequences of my actions, but now, after the embarrassment of last night, i know what i am going to do. its easier to run away from the fact that i made her feel all crappy, again (emphasis on the ‘again’ part of the sentence) . it is very frustrating to me that i cannot just bask in the mutual love we have for each other. and just be happy. i am working on it i suppose, but i fear that i will have succeeded in the completion of the pushing away process by the time i get my mind straightened out.
On other (not so) positive thangs-
i told my parents last night about nikki. i dont exactly know what i excepted. but it wasnt it. The conversation switched directly from nikki to you have to be careful drinking, Hispanics and alcoholism..blahdi blahdi blah...once again, i have managed disappoint the parents. i guess this time there is no use feeling bad about it though. its my life, i mean i am not going to apologize for using every speck of independence and individuality that they instilled in me throughout my childhood.
i hate contradiction and this is a huge one on their part.
my grandpa, not doing too well (or well at all). he is in a "rehabilitation home" which just means a nursing home with a delusion about death. i hate everything institutional...hospitals, nursing homes....i can't do them. especially nursing homes. but i will not delve into that any deeper.
i see certain things in my mom that i know i am guilty of. and i see certain other things that i just have to shake my head at.
i think she harbors a lot of regret.
i don't remember 40 minutes of highway time from last night.
The anniversary of my time behind the glass doors and barred windows is following me much longer than the specific date this year. Get Good Time!, erase these things.. isn’t that your job?
On positive thangs:
Friday night was great, I came back from going out, a little tipsy, but intent on writing. I didn’t get much written, but the peaceful feeling I was engrossed in was productive enough...Candlelight and incense, reflection in a soothing blue hued room..music and writing, a pen in hand...familiar surroundings that I recently discovered how much I missed..i can breathe deeper in here
No, I can breathe ...and sit back in submission as yellow light wanders into the room from the window which holds a view i revel in. the happiest moments in early morning lonesome paths of thought and deep appreciation of the smell of incense, the shadows from flickering light, the feeling which comes with possessing a place in the world where the you is palpable from ceiling to floor, where deep sighs are held in long embraces and tears are unquestioned but completely understood.
Chris, Jackie and I partied together for the first time in a very long time. It was fun, peeing together just forms a sort of naturally strong bond. I love drinking.
I guess all I can do is live and love this week and see what happens. Indulge in the simplicity of the feeling of love growing stronger. Let the smiles form when I think of her. Shake my head when the corniness comes, but do not chase it away. Stop the urge to overanalyze and complicate things that only lose meaning in the process.
And for once, allow others to sit on my pumpkin