again and never again
so sometimes people secretly suck, it's a fact and i guess everyone has to deal with it from time to time considering you can run across someone who's absolutely fucking amazing....... and then they disappoint you. but hey man, it's o.k. so i went to italy for about 5 months and towards the end of this mis/adventure i met a man, and not a boy (fucking finally) and for the finale he had me fall for him, so all of the sudden i was hit in the face with this romantic sort of tingling sensation. followed by post-analytical mayhem and sometimes euphoria, but mostly just hoping something would last from it. but. i've come to the conclusion that even though the lover's i'm collecting are becoming more refined and overall more healthy of an experience, i am i fact "collecting" these things- they never really seem to last. and goddamn it why not? but he's proven to have said well, nothing at all, and so everything i've built him up to be will just erode into something sort of gorgeous and rustic like that place where i happened to meet him. but. you know- breakfast.
if you happen to come to lawrence and really need a good classic meal with gravy, eggs, or whatever i highly suggest the mirth. i've been told quite a bit that i'm a ruthless critic lately so you can trust me.
oh yes- appearantly i am highly and unfairly critical! this was said to me last night before i proceeded to become entirely too drunk by ilenia, who was one of my closest friends here, but i can see a schism in the very immediate future. too bad. this one doesn't seem so necessary, but they usually are. i can't afford to go totally fucking crazy- but at the same time i think it's exactly what i need. it just gets a bit lonely going slowly insane by oneself, although a collective society of people fucking out of their minds would probably be something too overwhelming to behold. like, for instance, we don't really go to asylums for amusement because being amused by crazies is rude and creepy and wonderful at the same time and humans aren't built to last this way. but i digress. ilenia is a very different person these days. "get used to change" FUCK YOU. listen you- i've been getting use to change my entire life every three fucking years- to everything. i may be limited by experience or intelligence in some ways, but am highly perceptive and have some clue as to what's going on in at least my realm of experience, and if you think for one fucking second that i'm discounting your experience for my own laziness or selfish devices then you can go fuck yourself. seriously, just go to hell- the people closest to you disappoint you the most, after all, so why are you so suprised? and grow a pair, won't you? if my opinions are indeed off the map and you have no understanding or agreement with them, then why do they get to you? you don't like my taste in men and i've never taken it personally, and if stephen howard is lame to me why should you care? anyway, what i'm getting at is the fact that my critism never bothered you (at least to my knowledge) before it had a direct association with YOU or your interests. it is entirely unfair for one to assume that they are excluded from judgement- and yes- i am not afraid to admit that i've formulated a few opinions about those i choose to associate with the most. ilenia, i really do love you- you see so many things that most choose to ignore, you are actively pursuing your dreams whilst others are sleeping or wasting time, and on top of everything are very sensitive individual. but right now your sensitivity is shit to me. because even though you are the "same person" who is going through whatever changes, it's really just very annoying. stephen is lame and your childishness isn't cute it's actually as if i were babysitting some retarded 4th grader at times. i used to be a patient person, but i'm running out of time- do you understand? i'm absolutley going to kill dave and i need to get the fuck out of here. change happens and it's good. change if you want. but i don't know if i'm willing to stay with you through this process, because i need to see mine through as well, and i'd rather have something i can count on for a change. change has little to do with it. it's just bad timing. it breeds irritability, ruthless accusations, guilt, and all sorts of shit. fuck guilt, though, this is simply how i feel, what i know- so what's wrong with it? nothing, it just is.
if you happen to come to lawrence and really need a good classic meal with gravy, eggs, or whatever i highly suggest the mirth. i've been told quite a bit that i'm a ruthless critic lately so you can trust me.
oh yes- appearantly i am highly and unfairly critical! this was said to me last night before i proceeded to become entirely too drunk by ilenia, who was one of my closest friends here, but i can see a schism in the very immediate future. too bad. this one doesn't seem so necessary, but they usually are. i can't afford to go totally fucking crazy- but at the same time i think it's exactly what i need. it just gets a bit lonely going slowly insane by oneself, although a collective society of people fucking out of their minds would probably be something too overwhelming to behold. like, for instance, we don't really go to asylums for amusement because being amused by crazies is rude and creepy and wonderful at the same time and humans aren't built to last this way. but i digress. ilenia is a very different person these days. "get used to change" FUCK YOU. listen you- i've been getting use to change my entire life every three fucking years- to everything. i may be limited by experience or intelligence in some ways, but am highly perceptive and have some clue as to what's going on in at least my realm of experience, and if you think for one fucking second that i'm discounting your experience for my own laziness or selfish devices then you can go fuck yourself. seriously, just go to hell- the people closest to you disappoint you the most, after all, so why are you so suprised? and grow a pair, won't you? if my opinions are indeed off the map and you have no understanding or agreement with them, then why do they get to you? you don't like my taste in men and i've never taken it personally, and if stephen howard is lame to me why should you care? anyway, what i'm getting at is the fact that my critism never bothered you (at least to my knowledge) before it had a direct association with YOU or your interests. it is entirely unfair for one to assume that they are excluded from judgement- and yes- i am not afraid to admit that i've formulated a few opinions about those i choose to associate with the most. ilenia, i really do love you- you see so many things that most choose to ignore, you are actively pursuing your dreams whilst others are sleeping or wasting time, and on top of everything are very sensitive individual. but right now your sensitivity is shit to me. because even though you are the "same person" who is going through whatever changes, it's really just very annoying. stephen is lame and your childishness isn't cute it's actually as if i were babysitting some retarded 4th grader at times. i used to be a patient person, but i'm running out of time- do you understand? i'm absolutley going to kill dave and i need to get the fuck out of here. change happens and it's good. change if you want. but i don't know if i'm willing to stay with you through this process, because i need to see mine through as well, and i'd rather have something i can count on for a change. change has little to do with it. it's just bad timing. it breeds irritability, ruthless accusations, guilt, and all sorts of shit. fuck guilt, though, this is simply how i feel, what i know- so what's wrong with it? nothing, it just is.