(no subject)
so...life is not going my way at the moment. Yes, this is supposed to make you stronger, but I'm feeling like there is no winning, no chance to get ahead. Does this mean I'm depressed? I'm not sure. Does this mean I'm fed up? Don't know. I exhale a lot, like I'm very exasperated. I feel like I'm dealing with a lot, though if you asked me what was wrong, I couldn't pin point anything. Well, I could ramble off a list, like I will in a few sentences, but I'm not sure where the overwhelming doubt comes from...where that feeling of irreversible dread got lodged into my emotional bank account. I really just don't know.
So, what has been happening lately, why do I feel so bogged down. Well, for one, I don't have another job, which I desperately need to pay rent; seriously. I cannot stomach the thought of havig to ask my parents for $400 at the end of this next month. I am so upset. I'm fucking qualified and have applied for so many jobs my resume is tired. But, it's just not happening. I know "just keep at it; everything will be fine"...I know all of that stuff, but it doesn't help. I'm think it's because I'm feeling so helpless...like, no matter what I do, it's not getting me to where I need to be, or just what I need.
So, then I'm thinking, maybe I should drop a class. Then, I would have a least two extra days free to work, and then I could make rent. However, dropping a class means I have to take it next semester, which gives me 18 units in my final semester....this is not at all appealing to me. And, despite everything, whether I have to whore myself out or not, I am not, I repeat NOT staying an extra semester. There has to be an end, right? Like, the one thing that you will just not allow? But, what happens when that one thing is keeping you from being sane? Perhaps if I wasn't as stubborn, or so set in my ways, I would be getting ample sleep and still work enough to make rent....? It's possible, but I doubt I would ever truyl be happy in that route, which gets into a debate I don't have enough emotional energy for at this moment.
Lastly, I've been debating something in my mind for so long; it's not quite time to open up about it, but it weighs me down, more so than I ever thought it would. I just...feel alone. I'm surrounded by so many people everyday; I say hi to my friends; we give each other hugs; I talk regularly to my parents and sisters....and yet, someting is amiss. I love being independent, so, I don't understand this feeling. Does it mean I need someone in my life? Does it mean I'm missing someone? Does it mean I know what I'm alcking and refuse to confront it? Probably the last, more so than the others. But, what does that type of life pan out to be? Can you really be with someone forever, and be happy...like, truly happy? I'd rather live with a friend and see a lover, than fight over the cable bill and try to have sex later, let alone have to sleep with them in the same bed that very night.
So, what has been happening lately, why do I feel so bogged down. Well, for one, I don't have another job, which I desperately need to pay rent; seriously. I cannot stomach the thought of havig to ask my parents for $400 at the end of this next month. I am so upset. I'm fucking qualified and have applied for so many jobs my resume is tired. But, it's just not happening. I know "just keep at it; everything will be fine"...I know all of that stuff, but it doesn't help. I'm think it's because I'm feeling so helpless...like, no matter what I do, it's not getting me to where I need to be, or just what I need.
So, then I'm thinking, maybe I should drop a class. Then, I would have a least two extra days free to work, and then I could make rent. However, dropping a class means I have to take it next semester, which gives me 18 units in my final semester....this is not at all appealing to me. And, despite everything, whether I have to whore myself out or not, I am not, I repeat NOT staying an extra semester. There has to be an end, right? Like, the one thing that you will just not allow? But, what happens when that one thing is keeping you from being sane? Perhaps if I wasn't as stubborn, or so set in my ways, I would be getting ample sleep and still work enough to make rent....? It's possible, but I doubt I would ever truyl be happy in that route, which gets into a debate I don't have enough emotional energy for at this moment.
Lastly, I've been debating something in my mind for so long; it's not quite time to open up about it, but it weighs me down, more so than I ever thought it would. I just...feel alone. I'm surrounded by so many people everyday; I say hi to my friends; we give each other hugs; I talk regularly to my parents and sisters....and yet, someting is amiss. I love being independent, so, I don't understand this feeling. Does it mean I need someone in my life? Does it mean I'm missing someone? Does it mean I know what I'm alcking and refuse to confront it? Probably the last, more so than the others. But, what does that type of life pan out to be? Can you really be with someone forever, and be happy...like, truly happy? I'd rather live with a friend and see a lover, than fight over the cable bill and try to have sex later, let alone have to sleep with them in the same bed that very night.