Well that was interesting
Its been exactly 4 weeks since I last wrote and well its been the longest month of my life. Last time I wrote it was like 1am or something and I said my landlord had just appeared at my door. Well after I wrote that I decided to go to bed.. it was something like 1.30am and as I am living in Australia but originally from NZ and I call my parents every Saturday and they are 3 hours ahead of us at the mo, I thought "Haha I should ring mum & dad, they will be getting up soon anyway!". Didn't think much more of it and went to bed.
Four hourse later, at 5.11am on Satruday 23rd February my phone rings. Its my sister who happened to be staying with my folks at the time. My dad had passed away during the night.
Now let me paint you a picture. I am 35 years old and the youngest of 8 kids. My dad is the most important man in my life. He was there for me more times than I remember and he was my rock. I love him without reservation and have the utmost respect for him. We had a fantastic relationship (despite the early years being somewhat turbulant). He was the funniest man ever and I like to think that I inherited his morals and character. To say I was devasted was an understatement.
Lots of things happened in the following week. We (two of my brothers, my sisters eldest daughter & I) had to travel from Brisbane to Christchurch for the funeral. Because we didn't go until the Tuesday (which I regret, I really wish I had gone earlier but the others couldn't go any sooner and we wanted to travel together) those first few days were really hard. The Saturday was kind of spent in a blur - I still don't really remember a lot of what happened, but I did go to my niece's place for the night. Sunday arvo, Monday and Tuesday I was alone and I think it was the best thing for me.
I am still amazed at how coped with everything. Normally I am a bif of a drama queen and my family knows this - hence the reason they couldn't decide who got to call me.. one of my brothers even said "Bags not!" which of course makes me feel really wanted. I had a bit of a hissy fit over this and the fact that when I called home my mum would say "Oh its you again!". I posted a not nice blog on my bebo site and was shocked to learn that my sister showed my mum this. Of course after I had this hissy fit I had an epiphany! I realised that yeah it was hard for me being here and not being with my family and not being involved in things but at the same time it was really hard for everyone over there too having to deal with everything.
I have said ever since dad had his strokes last year and we realised that it was gonna be sooner rather than later that he was going to die, that I really don't know if its better being here or there.
At the moment I think that being there is better because it would help me deal with the fact that he has really gone. Being here I can still kind of think he's at home. Its weird not talking to him on Saturdays anymore tho. He and I would talk for ages about nothing really. Mum & I don't really have that same relationship, as much as I love her to pieces.
The funeral was brilliant, this is the first time all 8 of us kids have been together since one of my brothers weddings over 25 years ago!! It was a really special moment when my six brothers carried dads coffin out. Dad didn't want anything special - just put in a box really, no hymns, no speaking, just a plain old funeral. Well I am glad that once again we didn't listen to him. Dad was in the NZ Navy for over 30 years and served in the 2nd World War (he was 83 when he died), so there was some navy folk there dressed in their whites. There were also members of the RSA (Returned Servicemen Association) and the family, navy & RSA had the chance to place a poppy on the coffin. It was really nice. We also had some of the grandkids get up and say something if they wanted to. There was a lot of tears and a lot of laughter. One of my nieces remembers dad as the Jellybean Grandad coz he would always have jellybeans on hand when they visited, so she placed a jar of jellybeans on the coffin that went with him. Another one remembers as a little girl that he use to sing the Grand Old Duke of York to her (I remember his too), so she got everyone (all 220 guests) to sing the Grand Old Duke of York. It was amazing. We also had the Last Post played which is sad anyway coz they play it at ANZAC Day but now its gonna be sadder, thats when I started to loose it.
Its funny you know, I thought that when this time came I would be a blubbering mess and I wouldn't be able to function, but I have kind of carried on as normal. I don't know if this means that I am suppressing my feelings, if I am still in denial or what. I do know that I feel guilty for not crying more, every time I laugh I feel like I am disrespecting his memory but at the same time I know that if I do cry he would say something like "You silly moo, there's no need to cry". I think that the past year has really prepared me for this moment more than I can imagine. Over the last year (well since Christmas 06), dad suffered numerous strokes and in the end couldn't use his right arm at all and got tired all the time. But did he let that stop him... nope. He was 83 years old, but used the computer everyday - he could convert LPs to CDs for goodness sake... man even I can't do that!!!! He was still going till the end. The night before he died, my sister, my mum & him were watching So you think you can dance, Australia and he was bagging all the dancers out... at least he died happy.
R.I.P Papa, I will always remember and love you. You are the greatest man I know and I hope you were proud of me as much as I was proud of you. I love you daddy xx
Four hourse later, at 5.11am on Satruday 23rd February my phone rings. Its my sister who happened to be staying with my folks at the time. My dad had passed away during the night.
Now let me paint you a picture. I am 35 years old and the youngest of 8 kids. My dad is the most important man in my life. He was there for me more times than I remember and he was my rock. I love him without reservation and have the utmost respect for him. We had a fantastic relationship (despite the early years being somewhat turbulant). He was the funniest man ever and I like to think that I inherited his morals and character. To say I was devasted was an understatement.
Lots of things happened in the following week. We (two of my brothers, my sisters eldest daughter & I) had to travel from Brisbane to Christchurch for the funeral. Because we didn't go until the Tuesday (which I regret, I really wish I had gone earlier but the others couldn't go any sooner and we wanted to travel together) those first few days were really hard. The Saturday was kind of spent in a blur - I still don't really remember a lot of what happened, but I did go to my niece's place for the night. Sunday arvo, Monday and Tuesday I was alone and I think it was the best thing for me.
I am still amazed at how coped with everything. Normally I am a bif of a drama queen and my family knows this - hence the reason they couldn't decide who got to call me.. one of my brothers even said "Bags not!" which of course makes me feel really wanted. I had a bit of a hissy fit over this and the fact that when I called home my mum would say "Oh its you again!". I posted a not nice blog on my bebo site and was shocked to learn that my sister showed my mum this. Of course after I had this hissy fit I had an epiphany! I realised that yeah it was hard for me being here and not being with my family and not being involved in things but at the same time it was really hard for everyone over there too having to deal with everything.
I have said ever since dad had his strokes last year and we realised that it was gonna be sooner rather than later that he was going to die, that I really don't know if its better being here or there.
At the moment I think that being there is better because it would help me deal with the fact that he has really gone. Being here I can still kind of think he's at home. Its weird not talking to him on Saturdays anymore tho. He and I would talk for ages about nothing really. Mum & I don't really have that same relationship, as much as I love her to pieces.
The funeral was brilliant, this is the first time all 8 of us kids have been together since one of my brothers weddings over 25 years ago!! It was a really special moment when my six brothers carried dads coffin out. Dad didn't want anything special - just put in a box really, no hymns, no speaking, just a plain old funeral. Well I am glad that once again we didn't listen to him. Dad was in the NZ Navy for over 30 years and served in the 2nd World War (he was 83 when he died), so there was some navy folk there dressed in their whites. There were also members of the RSA (Returned Servicemen Association) and the family, navy & RSA had the chance to place a poppy on the coffin. It was really nice. We also had some of the grandkids get up and say something if they wanted to. There was a lot of tears and a lot of laughter. One of my nieces remembers dad as the Jellybean Grandad coz he would always have jellybeans on hand when they visited, so she placed a jar of jellybeans on the coffin that went with him. Another one remembers as a little girl that he use to sing the Grand Old Duke of York to her (I remember his too), so she got everyone (all 220 guests) to sing the Grand Old Duke of York. It was amazing. We also had the Last Post played which is sad anyway coz they play it at ANZAC Day but now its gonna be sadder, thats when I started to loose it.
Its funny you know, I thought that when this time came I would be a blubbering mess and I wouldn't be able to function, but I have kind of carried on as normal. I don't know if this means that I am suppressing my feelings, if I am still in denial or what. I do know that I feel guilty for not crying more, every time I laugh I feel like I am disrespecting his memory but at the same time I know that if I do cry he would say something like "You silly moo, there's no need to cry". I think that the past year has really prepared me for this moment more than I can imagine. Over the last year (well since Christmas 06), dad suffered numerous strokes and in the end couldn't use his right arm at all and got tired all the time. But did he let that stop him... nope. He was 83 years old, but used the computer everyday - he could convert LPs to CDs for goodness sake... man even I can't do that!!!! He was still going till the end. The night before he died, my sister, my mum & him were watching So you think you can dance, Australia and he was bagging all the dancers out... at least he died happy.
R.I.P Papa, I will always remember and love you. You are the greatest man I know and I hope you were proud of me as much as I was proud of you. I love you daddy xx