Hello again - warning...depressing post
I used to be on here a lot, but have been away since January.
Long story - had major shit go down because of how bad the ED had gotten. Ended up in-patient at Columbia University ED program for 6 weeks (free treatment) and went from about 88 lbs to 112 lbs (I am 5'4"). All I can say is positively hellish. Horrible. Hated it. I went willingly and enthusiastically at the time because I was so sick, but now am regretting going and getting fat there. Been out 3 weeks and am back down to 99 lbs. But the fat just seems so stubborn and I am so hating myself right now I just want to die. And then I think - this is so not the point. I was supposed to heal and change things in my life, grow up (I am 34) reclaim my independence, strength, etc. and now all I can think about is how quickly can I get my old, sick, skinny body back. My body, of course, it not really cooperating, since I am basically purging everything that goes in my mouth again, so it is stubbornly holding onto to every last fucking fat cell. Shit - how did I end up so fucked up. Anyone else go to treatment, not get helped in the brain department, and end up feeling worse off afterwards?? I am really, horribly depressed. Nothing in my life is better. I just want to disappear.