Forgive me, Miss Manners, I have sinned
An unsent letter.
Dear Miss Manners,
I work in an office shared by two small law firms, staffed by a majority of women. I am somewhat withdrawn from the social circle there and have let it be unspoken, but implied, that I prefer to do my socializing outside of work, although I am on very friendly terms with my boss, and my husband also works for the firm. I generally bring my own lunch and often have schoolwork or other things to do with my scant amount of off-the-clock free time. After dozens of polite demurrals to participate in birthday lunches, "girls' lunches," after-work parties or happy hours, and so forth, I am rarely asked anymore. This has always seemed mutually agreeable to all.
However, my current pregnancy has apparently excited them into new social approval (especially since most of them are middle-aged and this is a rare event), and I was approached to say that they would like to throw me a baby shower. I was in the midst of another polite demurral ("Oh, you don't need to do that, we really do have most of what we need already"), but was promptly given a time and date, and a lunch proposal, which they'd apparently already cleared with everyone else in the office. Feeling bad, I just stuttered out a thanks, and then was asked if I was registered anywhere. Well, of course I wasn't, and said so. I was asked then for a list of what we "needed", and successfully resisted the temptation to utter "if we needed anything we couldn't buy for ourselves, we wouldn't be having a baby". To make a long story short, I agreed to go onto the website of a prominent baby-item chain and create a registry, "for everyone's convenience."
I always fervently agree with you on the crass commercialization and greed that has lately tainted the tradition of gift-giving. I do not like that most of my office will be socially coerced into buying things for me, when I have made no effort to be social with them. I don't like mixing professional obligations and social ones. I don't like the concept of gift registries in general. I appreciate the concept of showers when they are freely given by friends or non-immediate family who are moved by their own generosity and excitement about the coming event.
I did not, of course, circulate the link to the registry myself, simply notified the person who asked that I had indeed gone and created one. Was there any way to have politely stopped this without creating ill feelings? And once I'm in there, how best to behave so as to show genuine appreciation when I would really rather be eating my normal lunch at my desk?
Dear Miss Manners,
I work in an office shared by two small law firms, staffed by a majority of women. I am somewhat withdrawn from the social circle there and have let it be unspoken, but implied, that I prefer to do my socializing outside of work, although I am on very friendly terms with my boss, and my husband also works for the firm. I generally bring my own lunch and often have schoolwork or other things to do with my scant amount of off-the-clock free time. After dozens of polite demurrals to participate in birthday lunches, "girls' lunches," after-work parties or happy hours, and so forth, I am rarely asked anymore. This has always seemed mutually agreeable to all.
However, my current pregnancy has apparently excited them into new social approval (especially since most of them are middle-aged and this is a rare event), and I was approached to say that they would like to throw me a baby shower. I was in the midst of another polite demurral ("Oh, you don't need to do that, we really do have most of what we need already"), but was promptly given a time and date, and a lunch proposal, which they'd apparently already cleared with everyone else in the office. Feeling bad, I just stuttered out a thanks, and then was asked if I was registered anywhere. Well, of course I wasn't, and said so. I was asked then for a list of what we "needed", and successfully resisted the temptation to utter "if we needed anything we couldn't buy for ourselves, we wouldn't be having a baby". To make a long story short, I agreed to go onto the website of a prominent baby-item chain and create a registry, "for everyone's convenience."
I always fervently agree with you on the crass commercialization and greed that has lately tainted the tradition of gift-giving. I do not like that most of my office will be socially coerced into buying things for me, when I have made no effort to be social with them. I don't like mixing professional obligations and social ones. I don't like the concept of gift registries in general. I appreciate the concept of showers when they are freely given by friends or non-immediate family who are moved by their own generosity and excitement about the coming event.
I did not, of course, circulate the link to the registry myself, simply notified the person who asked that I had indeed gone and created one. Was there any way to have politely stopped this without creating ill feelings? And once I'm in there, how best to behave so as to show genuine appreciation when I would really rather be eating my normal lunch at my desk?