I'll be missing you, always.
So, yeah, fuck.
My head is all sorts of fucked up, so I'll make this kind of quick since I have to be up in five hours. >_o
I'm going to ConnectiCon this coming weekend.
The only reason I'm worried is I have $358 to last me until next Friday. So it's like I have to give Steve $50 for the room, and $10 for gas leaving me at roughly $298 without buying anything else. So gah. I hate getting paid every two weeks. x-x
Other then that it should be fun. <3
If you're wondering why my minds fucked up it's because of stress and guys! No wai! Guys?!
Yes, two in particular. And I'm sure you can guess one.
As of right now I'm not speaking to Allan I guess.
I mean, don't get me wrong...I really want to. I don't want him out of my life. I mean, I wish things could just go back to normal where we loved each other and everything was great, but I doubt that is going to happen.
I mean, I love him, I really do, but it just feels like he's tugging me around because he knows he can, and I hate that.
I mean, I get myself sick just thinking about it, being used, or whatever by someone I love so much.
I want to believe in him, I want to believe he loves me, and I want to believe that he wants me around, I just..I am so emotionally drained.
So emotionally drained that I've started getting HARDCORE nose bleeds.
I've had at least nine in the past...four days?
And these aren't just..like, normal nosebleeds, it's like, it wont stop for twenty minutes.
So I dunno if it's just stress, or whatever, but it's starting to be a problem.
I've also been getting myself so emotionally sick I've been vomiting. x-x;;;
I dunno. I can't say I don't love him, because I do.
It's killing me inside to just...not talk to him, because I love talking to him.
I just wish, I just really wish that something would happen and he'd love me again.
I miss his touch, his voice, and just being with him. Gah, I'm getting all choked up writing this. x-x;
But its true. I mean, I'm not fucking religious at all and yet I prayed, I actually prayed that he'd love me again.
Obviously since there is no god he didn't answer me, but hey, it was worth a shot. =P
Its just, he's the one that I lost, the one I really wanted.
But dreams don't come true. =P
And on to the other guy: Michael.
I hung out with him Monday and I had a great time.
It was awesome, you know, but it just it...he brought back feelings. Like he said how much he cares about me, and how much he would like to be with me.
But the truth is, if I dated Michael right now it wouldn't be because I love him..
It'd be because I'm lonely, and I miss being with Allan, and it would just be all fucked up.
I don't want to do that to him, but Scott said to me, "Isn't that one way of moving on?"
But it's not, it's not. Because I care for Michael, don't get me wrong, but...he's not...he's not my baby..
He's not Allan.
-sighs-
I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, am I wasting my time? Wishing Allan would love me?
Should I move on?
Or is there some chance that he will eventually take me back?
Now that I've let that out and I'm crying again, I'm going to try and sleep.
Night, LJ, at least you listen to me. <3
My head is all sorts of fucked up, so I'll make this kind of quick since I have to be up in five hours. >_o
I'm going to ConnectiCon this coming weekend.
The only reason I'm worried is I have $358 to last me until next Friday. So it's like I have to give Steve $50 for the room, and $10 for gas leaving me at roughly $298 without buying anything else. So gah. I hate getting paid every two weeks. x-x
Other then that it should be fun. <3
If you're wondering why my minds fucked up it's because of stress and guys! No wai! Guys?!
Yes, two in particular. And I'm sure you can guess one.
As of right now I'm not speaking to Allan I guess.
I mean, don't get me wrong...I really want to. I don't want him out of my life. I mean, I wish things could just go back to normal where we loved each other and everything was great, but I doubt that is going to happen.
I mean, I love him, I really do, but it just feels like he's tugging me around because he knows he can, and I hate that.
I mean, I get myself sick just thinking about it, being used, or whatever by someone I love so much.
I want to believe in him, I want to believe he loves me, and I want to believe that he wants me around, I just..I am so emotionally drained.
So emotionally drained that I've started getting HARDCORE nose bleeds.
I've had at least nine in the past...four days?
And these aren't just..like, normal nosebleeds, it's like, it wont stop for twenty minutes.
So I dunno if it's just stress, or whatever, but it's starting to be a problem.
I've also been getting myself so emotionally sick I've been vomiting. x-x;;;
I dunno. I can't say I don't love him, because I do.
It's killing me inside to just...not talk to him, because I love talking to him.
I just wish, I just really wish that something would happen and he'd love me again.
I miss his touch, his voice, and just being with him. Gah, I'm getting all choked up writing this. x-x;
But its true. I mean, I'm not fucking religious at all and yet I prayed, I actually prayed that he'd love me again.
Obviously since there is no god he didn't answer me, but hey, it was worth a shot. =P
Its just, he's the one that I lost, the one I really wanted.
But dreams don't come true. =P
And on to the other guy: Michael.
I hung out with him Monday and I had a great time.
It was awesome, you know, but it just it...he brought back feelings. Like he said how much he cares about me, and how much he would like to be with me.
But the truth is, if I dated Michael right now it wouldn't be because I love him..
It'd be because I'm lonely, and I miss being with Allan, and it would just be all fucked up.
I don't want to do that to him, but Scott said to me, "Isn't that one way of moving on?"
But it's not, it's not. Because I care for Michael, don't get me wrong, but...he's not...he's not my baby..
He's not Allan.
-sighs-
I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, am I wasting my time? Wishing Allan would love me?
Should I move on?
Or is there some chance that he will eventually take me back?
Now that I've let that out and I'm crying again, I'm going to try and sleep.
Night, LJ, at least you listen to me. <3