True life.......
Its hard knowing you think of yourself as a nothing. I feel like my whole life has been a lie, like if I wasnt trying to hide one thing I was trying to hide another, and it never ends. I was always the person to say "Well, if you really wanted to change you could" because when things came at me in life I always tried to get rid of them and I always tried to make my life the way I wanted it to be, but people dont understand that I can control me and only me, what my parents do I cannot control. I don't think they know how much of what they do puts stress on me and I sometimes wonder if they cared. I should just get drunk and get over it but its just not that easy. I always thought of myself as "strong woman" but what does it mean to be a strong woman, or person for that matter. Does it mean that you stick up for yourself when your pushed around, or does it mean that you take shit and be the better person, or is it getting through life happy and find who you really are? Money always meant alot to me when I was young cause we never really had any, but money doesnt take away sickness, money wont take away pain, money wont take away the feeling I feel when I look at myself in the mirror. I always told myself that I wanted to be this career woman with a nice home and able to buy almost anything she wants, kids, nice husband who treated me right, a dog like most girls. I always thought I was so mature for my age but now that I have grown up some I ask myself every day who I am and where I am going with my life. Those things mean nothing, nothing could feel better to me then the way I feel when I am happy. You cant help but break down and cry when you think in your mind of ways to kill yourself. People have all kinds of battles with other people, food, sleep, drugs, others, but people look at you as a weirdo when you have a battle with yourself. Its hard getting up every day when things just dont feel like they use to, the sunrise is just a reason for me to get out of bed, it doesnt put a smile on my face anymore. I only have one friend that I can tell all my secrets to and its this journal. Journals cant call you a baby, make fun of you, make you cry. I know people can read it, and thats okay. Where do I go from here? What are you suppose to do at 2:47 am in the morning when everyones asleep and no one to talk to, and your mind is telling you to kill yourself? I guess its okay. I have made it this far I cant stop now. While I was writing this I learned something, I asked what it meant to be strong, but I learned its not what it means, it what its mean to you. To me being strong is making it to another day with out ending my life. I have been doing that for 14 years of my life. Id say im pretty damn strong. On that note im going to go sit in the dark and think.-Nina