So ya um okay whoa.....
Well I was so proud of myself today! I got out of the house and actually didnt die, whoa! It has been like over 5 weeks since I really went out, after hurting my foot, the surgery, and just being depressed I just have not wanted to go out. Its been atleast 4 months if not more than I have been to a mall. So this weekend my goal is to go to the mall (OH BOY!), but the catch is I have to try and enjoy myself. I notice that now I am starting to care what people think of me :<. This whole depression thing is getting old and Im at the point where I have no other feeling but pain, but what else is new I have had depression since I was 7. I tried to kill myself, but no one ever stopped to ask if it was because of my parents nooooo I had the problem just cause I didn't have a bruise or marks they thought it was all my fault so I had to sit and watch Barbies Happy Birthday over and over again to try and put a smile on my face. I grew up too fast and never stopped to enjoy "childhood" but im sure I was missing anything. I always come to the question of what is keeping from killing myself and I cant help but think that this is not the life that I am meant for I feel like I was meant for something. I have tried so much to just end my life and its not like I don't have the balls to do it but its just this thought that comes into my head that I was put here to make a difference in some way. I feel like I have the sixth sense or something its weird I know I hear whispers and stuff I know I see things, I asked my dad if someone died in our house cause I saw this old man in my room that was about 50 years old and he told me he had died from cancer, and just a couple of days ago my dad told me that I prolly did see him because he didnt want to scare me by telling me. Anyways! Its been some time since I updated its because I have been busy or just too upset to write. I came sooooooo close to crying today sooooooo close but I didn't DAMNIT! oh well im use to it by now but I think imma go because im kinda blank and empty inside now.-Nina