I can't help fighting with my inner demons. [one_post_stand, __cake__verse]
I stood at the edge of the water watching the faint edges of the sun come up, my body and the demon that lived inside screamed to run and hide, yet my legs didn't move.
Misery doesn't begin to cover what I've been feeling. I thought it was being soul sick at first; my desperation to find myself a place in this world now that I no longer belonged in it. After the months of searching turned into years I realized that I was Sire sick, I missed Spike so much it made me ache at night. I'd dream about him and there were times when Lindsey would let Angelus have his way with me that I would picture that it was Spike just to survive the ordeal. Lindsey putting his hands all over me was one thing, Angelus was another.
But I stayed, I endured everything for so long because of my desire to be near Lindsey. I always felt indebited to him for everything he did for me when I was still with a soul, all the nights he cared for me when I felt like I was going to fall apart.
Things weren't as shiny when Angelus came into the picture. There were nights when the thought of staking him to have my boy all to myself was so great I couldn't think of anything else. But apparently Angelus meant something to Lindsey, something that he could finally have after wanting it for so long.
I sadly respected that.
It took nearly six years but I finally got fed up with it. Angelus made a crack about me missing Spike and spent three days while Lindsey was away trying to break me to be his. I just couldn't. I wasn't his, I'd never be his.
When Lindsey came home I realized that he would never be mine. He asked me what was wrong and thought I was over reacting when I told him.
I left that night and now here I am. Watching the sunrise with my Sire so close. I didn't think I could go back to him, I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I didn't want to be defeated and come crawling back to him like he said I would.
The sun was so close, I felt it so much and I watched it, feeling my skin tingle and almost burn. I closed my eyes and waited for it. It was moments later that I felt wet fall onto my face making me open my eyes. The beginning's of the sun went away and the sky had started to pour.
I wasn't sure what it was but all I knew was that it felt like a sign. It wasn't more then an hour and I found myself soaked and standing at the door to where I knew he was. My hand rested on the wood of the door, still too afraid to knock and see inside.
Misery doesn't begin to cover what I've been feeling. I thought it was being soul sick at first; my desperation to find myself a place in this world now that I no longer belonged in it. After the months of searching turned into years I realized that I was Sire sick, I missed Spike so much it made me ache at night. I'd dream about him and there were times when Lindsey would let Angelus have his way with me that I would picture that it was Spike just to survive the ordeal. Lindsey putting his hands all over me was one thing, Angelus was another.
But I stayed, I endured everything for so long because of my desire to be near Lindsey. I always felt indebited to him for everything he did for me when I was still with a soul, all the nights he cared for me when I felt like I was going to fall apart.
Things weren't as shiny when Angelus came into the picture. There were nights when the thought of staking him to have my boy all to myself was so great I couldn't think of anything else. But apparently Angelus meant something to Lindsey, something that he could finally have after wanting it for so long.
I sadly respected that.
It took nearly six years but I finally got fed up with it. Angelus made a crack about me missing Spike and spent three days while Lindsey was away trying to break me to be his. I just couldn't. I wasn't his, I'd never be his.
When Lindsey came home I realized that he would never be mine. He asked me what was wrong and thought I was over reacting when I told him.
I left that night and now here I am. Watching the sunrise with my Sire so close. I didn't think I could go back to him, I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I didn't want to be defeated and come crawling back to him like he said I would.
The sun was so close, I felt it so much and I watched it, feeling my skin tingle and almost burn. I closed my eyes and waited for it. It was moments later that I felt wet fall onto my face making me open my eyes. The beginning's of the sun went away and the sky had started to pour.
I wasn't sure what it was but all I knew was that it felt like a sign. It wasn't more then an hour and I found myself soaked and standing at the door to where I knew he was. My hand rested on the wood of the door, still too afraid to knock and see inside.