Actions I have hated...I'm haunted [pain_of_heart]
The Bronze was deserted, you’d think it was an abandoned building if you walked by it now. Except that it looked like one of those party streamer poppers exploded on the inside.
I found out about the party from Dawn accidentally this morning; but my not showing up was on purpose. I wasn’t sure I could handle a party right now and I knew nobody would understand. I needed time alone. I needed time to think about what now and what next; things were so up in the air that I wasn't sure which way was up. I did have one clear thought though.
I'm not a demon.
Because of Spike I now knew that I wasn't a demon, of any kind. The power inside me was all Wiccan from my mother and it was pure, and good.
Even with that I had doubts about things, where I stood, what I was going to do now. I’ve even gone so far as to question my past motives with magick and my own morals when it comes to everything I’ve been taught. Everything inside me felt relieved and torn at the same time.
I sat on the pool table and sighed, fiddling with the stick and bouncing the rubbery end against the floor as my mind wondered. I had made my way in here earlier after I was sure everyone had left. I had seen Willow and Buffy walk out and it hurt me to see that Willow looked crushed. I didn’t mean to hurt her, this wasn’t about her as selfishly as that sounds. I wasn’t ready to face anyone; I needed time alone to think. That would be the idea if I could get a decent thought to form in my mind; everything felt jumbled and disconnected.
Freedom. It was something I never really had before. I always had something weighing me down or keeping me back; I didn’t have that now and I could start to live how I wanted to. That was the question though, how did I want to live? What was the right path for me to take now that I didn’t have to worry about my family or feel like I had to hide anymore?
I’m just not sure who I am, who I’m supposed to be. I’ve lived my life only one way and that was with the belief that I’m a demon. Now all of that has been changed, turned around by something so simple. A simple act of kindness.
Not that getting punched in the nose was kind in any way. But Spike did it because… I’m not even sure why he did it, I can’t even begin to fathom it. I don’t equate in his life, he never paid any attention to me in any way. I was just Willow’s girl to him; and everyone too I think.
A pang of guilt hit me and I felt bad for not thanking him or saying anything after my family left. But I wasn't sure what to say to him, I never knew what to say to Spike. Maybe I can think of something to bring him and leave it by his door as thanks. "H-hey Spike, thanks for punching me in the nose...it meant a lot...”
No, that wasn't going to work.
Sighing I slipped off the table and leaned the pool queue against the table, reaching into my jean pocket and pulling out some quarters. I racked up the balls and pulled open the small bottle of soda I brought with me. Taking a sip of my cherry coke I looked around the empty room and sighed before bending over the table and breaking the set to play a bit of pool solo.
I could enjoy the quiet for now. Playing would relax me and maybe I could clear my mind about what to do with this new life I had now. I had nothing holding me back from anything I ever wanted to do; it was knowing where to start and what I wanted to do now.
First I needed to stop being afraid of everything and start living.
I found out about the party from Dawn accidentally this morning; but my not showing up was on purpose. I wasn’t sure I could handle a party right now and I knew nobody would understand. I needed time alone. I needed time to think about what now and what next; things were so up in the air that I wasn't sure which way was up. I did have one clear thought though.
I'm not a demon.
Because of Spike I now knew that I wasn't a demon, of any kind. The power inside me was all Wiccan from my mother and it was pure, and good.
Even with that I had doubts about things, where I stood, what I was going to do now. I’ve even gone so far as to question my past motives with magick and my own morals when it comes to everything I’ve been taught. Everything inside me felt relieved and torn at the same time.
I sat on the pool table and sighed, fiddling with the stick and bouncing the rubbery end against the floor as my mind wondered. I had made my way in here earlier after I was sure everyone had left. I had seen Willow and Buffy walk out and it hurt me to see that Willow looked crushed. I didn’t mean to hurt her, this wasn’t about her as selfishly as that sounds. I wasn’t ready to face anyone; I needed time alone to think. That would be the idea if I could get a decent thought to form in my mind; everything felt jumbled and disconnected.
Freedom. It was something I never really had before. I always had something weighing me down or keeping me back; I didn’t have that now and I could start to live how I wanted to. That was the question though, how did I want to live? What was the right path for me to take now that I didn’t have to worry about my family or feel like I had to hide anymore?
I’m just not sure who I am, who I’m supposed to be. I’ve lived my life only one way and that was with the belief that I’m a demon. Now all of that has been changed, turned around by something so simple. A simple act of kindness.
Not that getting punched in the nose was kind in any way. But Spike did it because… I’m not even sure why he did it, I can’t even begin to fathom it. I don’t equate in his life, he never paid any attention to me in any way. I was just Willow’s girl to him; and everyone too I think.
A pang of guilt hit me and I felt bad for not thanking him or saying anything after my family left. But I wasn't sure what to say to him, I never knew what to say to Spike. Maybe I can think of something to bring him and leave it by his door as thanks. "H-hey Spike, thanks for punching me in the nose...it meant a lot...”
No, that wasn't going to work.
Sighing I slipped off the table and leaned the pool queue against the table, reaching into my jean pocket and pulling out some quarters. I racked up the balls and pulled open the small bottle of soda I brought with me. Taking a sip of my cherry coke I looked around the empty room and sighed before bending over the table and breaking the set to play a bit of pool solo.
I could enjoy the quiet for now. Playing would relax me and maybe I could clear my mind about what to do with this new life I had now. I had nothing holding me back from anything I ever wanted to do; it was knowing where to start and what I wanted to do now.
First I needed to stop being afraid of everything and start living.