Not to good
I honestly feel like shit. I can't make a woman i love with all my heart happy and tend to just screw everyone in my family over until now some of them can't even talk to me. Is this what i wanted? Justfcation? To fuck up everything so much so hat i won't feel guilty for going. So i won't have to hink well this person needs me here i can't go. My mind plots against me just to make me miserable. That part of me loves being miserable, it's home to it. It loves to destroy everything i love. I've been dumped today and i told her no matter what she does i'm still gonna love and that's th truth. I still love her as much as i always have. She was the only thing keeping me here. If she goes i have no reason to try in life, it will simply be a pointless race to nowhere. I hate the person i am i wish i could come through for people who need me. Wow guess i am like my father. I've based my life on various philosophys and one of them is that i would never bcome like him. Well guess i fucked up even my mom says i'm just like him. Also when my dad came to visit this weekend he cried when he left. It confused the fuck out of me. I hate that i love him. I want to hate him for everythng in the past. maybe that goes with the whole justification thing. I'm losing my fucking mind and my will to go on. Yvette told me to wait if i ever want to do it so i don't do it out of anger and can give it though. James said don't do anything drastic. I'm losing my fucking mind. Yesterday she didn't believe i loved her and as she said it i felt a sharp pain in my chest. It hurt me so much. I've tried so hard to prove that i love her. I don't know how else to prove it to her that she means the world to her. The thing i hate the most about myself is that i know there something i'm doing wrong and it's so hard to try and do it. I need to b a rock for her. I use to be ablr e to do that but now i'm an emotional wreck and i wish i could do that for here. I've been trying so hard to do that evertime she feels sad. I need to try harder. There is something missing from me and i need to find it and hold on to it. Something during my transformation got lost and i need that. I need to be strong again i need to figure out how to be. Also when it tell her i love her sometimes she doesn't say it baq like when i'm depressed and that hurts so much. But i keep saying it so that she knows that i do love her that i care so much for her and that without her my life would b empty.We have a bi-polar relationship. We can go from happy to sad in an instant. Most of the reason for this is outside influences. All we've ever wanted is a break. Just spend the day with each other sitting on a couch and watching some movies and enjoying very second that goes by b/c we r happy with each other. Yvette tlls me we r the best and worst things that happened to each other. I feel so alone wihout her. She makes me happy. She makes life have that vigor. I'mslowly slipping away without her. I will still b there for her through all this. I love her and no one can replace her.