My parents screwed me up!!

[sexyrunt101]

Well today I had a lot of time to think a lot of things through. And i came to realize a couple of things. I think most of my problems come from my dad. Like he has always treated me differently from my sister and well..obviously from my brother. But I can always remember feelings as if he loved her more than me or whatever and like i was unwanted. Like i know thats not how it really is, its just something i had always felt. So when i was a kid i felt as if i had to go out of my way just to please him. And nothing was ever good enough for him, and i think thats why i always try to be really nice to people and make sure everyone is happy around me. I've always just thought it was my responsiblity to make sure people were pleased with me and that they were happy. And another thing is my commitment issue, which i also think its because of my parents. I never really ever had a long term relationship that worked out fully. And i think i broke those off bc one they either were getting to serious for me, or two because i felt they werent wroking out and i didnt want to put the effort into them, or three i just got bored. And i think thats because my parents never really seemed happy. I know they love each other, but my mom always tries to do these nice things for my dad and my dad always never reconized how much time she put into it, or how much it meant to her or whatever. And he never did anything, he never says i love you to her, and he never does anything for her. He never did. And i never want to end up like that and i never want to feel how i know my mom feels. It just breaks my heart to see how much she hurts and cries over him, and doesnt even seem to care. I never want to have a relationship like that and i think i just push them away to protect myself from that. But i dont know. And another thing is that i cant stand people getting mad at me and not talking to me. And if that happens i'll like end up freaking out and trying everything i can to make them not be mad at me. And i think that comes from Kristen and I getting into a fight. I never got the courage up to go appologize to her and i feel horrible for that. And so i think if i keep people happy and not do anything to get them mad at me, i'll never go through that again, and no one i love or care about will ever leave me again. I'm actually deathly afraid of being alone and abandoned by people. But i havent figured out why that is yet. But yeah i had to write this all down to get it out of my head bc it was driving me crazy. But thats about it, i have to go get ready to go out.

~Heather

<3Kristen