Are you ready for the gun show? Guns go WHAT?! BANG BANG BABY!
I'm not mean, evil, vile, cruel, nor strong... simply afraid. The world has taught me that if youre afraid, youre gonna be safe. Afraid to take a chance, to break a rule, to not be perfect... afraid to fall, to get hurt, to grow up... obstacles in life that arn't easy to over come...
the biggest problem I have is when friends and people change. How somebody is this way for a long time, and one thing happens, and there totally different. A big mistake I make is thinking about the future too much... should I have pride or shame in that? As of now I don't want kids... maybe one, but whose to say I'll even get married? for all I know I might go off and have sex and get pregnant and drop out of school. i don't know. I hate surprises... I love them but hate them. Everything has to be planned. I hate when something is gonna happen and I have SHORT notice. I can't stand it. I also can't stand when it's like somebody snaps there fingers and there a new person. Or when somebody makes new friends and becomes completly different from the person you used to know. The hardest thing of everything is letting go of what you treasure the most, the thing you really wanted... the person you truely loved.
People go in and out of your life. Some leave scars and others merely leave footprints that can easily be cleaned ((forgotten)) One thing leads to another... never let anybody tell you different. Life really is like a story... Heres step one, then this happens, to all these events lead up to the climax, and then weres the resolution? well.. the resolution is the same for all... you die... everybody dies, and life is just a game we play.
I love God. Or do I? I'm not supposed to question... but I do... so much. I care too much about other people. I want everybody to be saved, and with God. Half the time I preach what I don't follow... does that make me a bad person? Often I find myself saying who cares what happens to me... I just want everybody else to die and go to heaven... everybody be safe
I wanna be portrayed as strong. I can fight, and I can defend myself. Being so *emotional* I'll never come off as that. I'll never be what I want to be..
wearing dark eyeliner with blonde hair makes me look slutty i suppose... if it was up to me, id be completly different then what I am now..
I want chains, and spikes, and wristbands... chokers, and fine jewerly. I want to be able to wear my 5 carot ring, AND a spiked collar, and look okay.... theres no turning to what isnt excepted. everything clashes...
I'm alone now. Truely, I am. I can't talk to anybody anymore. I have nobody. One person I could talk to I can't really, cause theres a chance it will get back to other people, then other friends i thought i could trust get so mad and yell at me when i just need somebody to talk to, then others just complain about what a sinner i am, others pretend to care, hardly... and others let it go in one ear and out the other...
I think such weird thoughts i think im truely messed up..
going through my old papers in my room i found a list... it said "by age 15 i wish"
It had a lot of things I have... but a lot of things I don't...
money doesnt make you happy. luxury, fine things, people... nothing. Even when my grandma was alive i had a void within me... something that can't be filled...
what is this space within me... what does it take to fill it?
maybe im just crazy...
I dont know what i want... or what i need. Im happy at times, but not a lot. it takes a lot to make me laugh, and a lot to make me happy..... happy.... what even is happy...
I'm here for you, simply for you, here to save you, here to be with you, here to make your life wonderful, here to serve you, here to love you... here, to teach you.
im awfully tired... maybe thats why im kinda going on and on and on and on
If I had one wish, I'd wish everybody found true happiness.
What is love? How do my parents know they love eachother...? I don't really know. so many different terms and such. I dont know it, and im too blind to learn it.
Tonight I hope i dream... dream something wonderful... dream something that reveals my future.
I want to be here
but i need to be here with you
i know youll never welcome me
im not good enough for you...
The good Lord in heaven above told me... you will... be with me
I don't want to be with you if I have to be alone...
I save people... that's what I do.. i make you go with God... when i don't even fully *believe*
if anything... im the one who needs to be saved. Youre not changing for me... even if it seems that way, I've changed for you
but thats an oxymoron... because people dont change. What you are... is what you are...
how dare i step into your life and expect you to change? I expected you to change... cause i expected you to care about me, does that make me selfish?
how was your life without me? was it much different? were you happier, sadder? What did you do with your friends, whats your idea of fun? How does your life improve with me? If i was to leave now what would you do...
If you woke up one morning, and discovered I had died... what would you feel like?
If I wake up in the emergency room... I know who i'd ask for first...
would you come to see me?...
am I really important? or am I just a muse...
I'll never know, if you ever cared, cause baby i know your scared, im scared too, all i know is i need you, promise youll never leave me... promise you wont hurt me... promise youll stay here with me
Never go... promise me...promise, you'll always remember me...promise <3