I put a dream in your dream so you can dream while you dream!
So I'm 25 now. :p Don't feel much different except for feeling like I'm supposed to be an adult now. I'm not sure what that involves yet.
I THINK I'm feeling better, but honestly I can't tell. Michelle says that taking hormones or antidepressants and stuff like that can just make you feel numb and that maybe I'm in that place. But am I? I don't know anymore. I'm changing things on Thursday and we'll see if after a few withdrawly weeks I'm better or not.
I wish interaction with people weren't so confusing and that emotions weren't scary. I feel like unless I'm on my tip toes worrying about it I'm either getting misunderstood or offending someone accidentally. Am I that weird a person? Am I like an asbergers person? I feel like I don't understand others well at all. I used to understand people very well and then it felt like for some reason things changed a lot.
Lately, I've been realizing the only time I'm feeling calm and happy is at rehearsal or when teaching because I get to leave my problems at the door. I'll always be the kind of person who loves work because of that. It's the only time I can compartmentalize. I feel like my own person who doesn't owe anyone anything. And I'll be happy at those times and feel like everything is fine and like I can accomplish stuff and feel great and then my probs are just waiting for me after. My problems aren't even that bad, I wish I didn't feel so strongly about them and didn't feel like I was hugely overreacting to everything.
Of course I'm going to be fine. I always am. I don't want to be a martyr, I want to be a strong woman that everyone loves.
My mom always said growing up that I wasn't spoiled with material things, but that I was loved so much by everyone that I was spoiled rotten. Maybe what I'm going through right now is when I'm not getting that anymore? For a long time now I only cared about Sid loving me and maybe that wasn't the best for me. Am I selfish? Probably. :p
I want to be more involved in doing things rather than feeling things. Just sitting at home in my head is bad for me. It's neither fun nor comfortable nor easy.
At least I'm not feeling suicidal anymore! Yay :D
I prob just need a vacation or something, lol. Hopefully the runs of the show that I have to stay overnight will give me some time away and some perspective.
I want to stop feeling stupid for expressing how I feel, down to my word choices. I know that may not make much sense, but like, scientologists brainwash people by teaching them that the words they use everyday have different meanings than they know already, and I feel like I do the same kind of thing to myself and it drives me nuts. I don't know how to explain it more though.
Universe, please drive the crazy from my brain. Please?
I THINK I'm feeling better, but honestly I can't tell. Michelle says that taking hormones or antidepressants and stuff like that can just make you feel numb and that maybe I'm in that place. But am I? I don't know anymore. I'm changing things on Thursday and we'll see if after a few withdrawly weeks I'm better or not.
I wish interaction with people weren't so confusing and that emotions weren't scary. I feel like unless I'm on my tip toes worrying about it I'm either getting misunderstood or offending someone accidentally. Am I that weird a person? Am I like an asbergers person? I feel like I don't understand others well at all. I used to understand people very well and then it felt like for some reason things changed a lot.
Lately, I've been realizing the only time I'm feeling calm and happy is at rehearsal or when teaching because I get to leave my problems at the door. I'll always be the kind of person who loves work because of that. It's the only time I can compartmentalize. I feel like my own person who doesn't owe anyone anything. And I'll be happy at those times and feel like everything is fine and like I can accomplish stuff and feel great and then my probs are just waiting for me after. My problems aren't even that bad, I wish I didn't feel so strongly about them and didn't feel like I was hugely overreacting to everything.
Of course I'm going to be fine. I always am. I don't want to be a martyr, I want to be a strong woman that everyone loves.
My mom always said growing up that I wasn't spoiled with material things, but that I was loved so much by everyone that I was spoiled rotten. Maybe what I'm going through right now is when I'm not getting that anymore? For a long time now I only cared about Sid loving me and maybe that wasn't the best for me. Am I selfish? Probably. :p
I want to be more involved in doing things rather than feeling things. Just sitting at home in my head is bad for me. It's neither fun nor comfortable nor easy.
At least I'm not feeling suicidal anymore! Yay :D
I prob just need a vacation or something, lol. Hopefully the runs of the show that I have to stay overnight will give me some time away and some perspective.
I want to stop feeling stupid for expressing how I feel, down to my word choices. I know that may not make much sense, but like, scientologists brainwash people by teaching them that the words they use everyday have different meanings than they know already, and I feel like I do the same kind of thing to myself and it drives me nuts. I don't know how to explain it more though.
Universe, please drive the crazy from my brain. Please?