Revelation but not..
I really need to try to let go of the shitty things guys did to me in the past when I was weaker and less suspecting so that it can stop ruining my faith in men and stop allowing me to jump to ridiculous conclusions when things happen in certain ways.
I think it's really important. Most of the time I'm great at pretending that some guys didn't really fuck me up. And the worst part is that none of them were good enough for me in the first place. I was just starved for affection. I always feel that way.
Sometimes I think a lot of what I have gone through as a teenager and adult had to do with some of the ways my mom chose to treat me as a little kid and a baby. She would feed me before I was hungry, change me before I knew I needed to be or was uncomfortable, and generally would work around me so that no matter what I did, I remained happy.
I have been working to replicate that, I guess, for a long time. I know deep down that it is up to me to make me happy, but a lot of times I still feel like I want to be taken care of and want my happiness to matter to someone else in a similar way. I find myself working around others to make them happy all the time in ways that they don't usually notice. The only problem is that it becomes easy for them to take me for granted. Then when I try to be more overt about it, it is too much because I am the type that is either too subtle or too exaggerated in my actions so I'm either unnoticed or intimidating.
I chalk this up to being passionate but also very insecure, but knowing that is truly only half the battle. Knowing that doesn't necessarily help me fix things because I still feel emotions just as strongly and am either stifling myself or letting it all out and freaking people out by being super excited about something they don't think I necessarily should be, or finding myself loving someone like a sister who doesn't even really know me that well. I suppose that love, or affinity, or even just "like" can always be one-sided. I find myself feeling an affinity for certain people often, but even just smiling genuinely at some people can scare them off because for some reason when I smile with feeling it looks like an "I'm in love with youuu" smile. In truth, my lovey-dovey smile is very dorky and does not look like beaming at someone at all. It makes me feel like my practice smiling in the mirror was possibly too successful if it is now overly sunshiney.
But what if I feel happy to see someone? What am I supposed to do but smile? I really hate being ingenuine but find that others get uncomfortable when I am no bullshit in a positive way. People love it when I am no bullshit complaining and eat it up. But that is not the attention I want. I want to get attention for being happy so that I can perpetuate happiness in myself and others. I complained enough this summer for like 5 years because of all the hormonal issues I was having. I can't believe I let it go so far before changing birth control. Another thing that I stupidly felt powerless about. Wtf, Alexandra. At least now I have found a better one where I feel like I can actually understand what I'm feeling and am not trying to throw myself down the stairs every day or find myself driving and considering driving off the overpass.
Things are still sad, but so so so much better. Hugely better. Thank goodness. I know I still have some stuff to get through with Sid, but I'm almost out of it.
I think it's really important. Most of the time I'm great at pretending that some guys didn't really fuck me up. And the worst part is that none of them were good enough for me in the first place. I was just starved for affection. I always feel that way.
Sometimes I think a lot of what I have gone through as a teenager and adult had to do with some of the ways my mom chose to treat me as a little kid and a baby. She would feed me before I was hungry, change me before I knew I needed to be or was uncomfortable, and generally would work around me so that no matter what I did, I remained happy.
I have been working to replicate that, I guess, for a long time. I know deep down that it is up to me to make me happy, but a lot of times I still feel like I want to be taken care of and want my happiness to matter to someone else in a similar way. I find myself working around others to make them happy all the time in ways that they don't usually notice. The only problem is that it becomes easy for them to take me for granted. Then when I try to be more overt about it, it is too much because I am the type that is either too subtle or too exaggerated in my actions so I'm either unnoticed or intimidating.
I chalk this up to being passionate but also very insecure, but knowing that is truly only half the battle. Knowing that doesn't necessarily help me fix things because I still feel emotions just as strongly and am either stifling myself or letting it all out and freaking people out by being super excited about something they don't think I necessarily should be, or finding myself loving someone like a sister who doesn't even really know me that well. I suppose that love, or affinity, or even just "like" can always be one-sided. I find myself feeling an affinity for certain people often, but even just smiling genuinely at some people can scare them off because for some reason when I smile with feeling it looks like an "I'm in love with youuu" smile. In truth, my lovey-dovey smile is very dorky and does not look like beaming at someone at all. It makes me feel like my practice smiling in the mirror was possibly too successful if it is now overly sunshiney.
But what if I feel happy to see someone? What am I supposed to do but smile? I really hate being ingenuine but find that others get uncomfortable when I am no bullshit in a positive way. People love it when I am no bullshit complaining and eat it up. But that is not the attention I want. I want to get attention for being happy so that I can perpetuate happiness in myself and others. I complained enough this summer for like 5 years because of all the hormonal issues I was having. I can't believe I let it go so far before changing birth control. Another thing that I stupidly felt powerless about. Wtf, Alexandra. At least now I have found a better one where I feel like I can actually understand what I'm feeling and am not trying to throw myself down the stairs every day or find myself driving and considering driving off the overpass.
Things are still sad, but so so so much better. Hugely better. Thank goodness. I know I still have some stuff to get through with Sid, but I'm almost out of it.