(no subject)
This is Jackie Mason's take on Starbuck's.
Be sure to remember Jackie Mason's voice as you read.
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole
new type of coffee shop. Instead of charging 60 cents for coffee I'll
charge
$2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50.
Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no free
refills, no waiters, no busboys, serve it in cardboard cups, & have the
customer clean up for 20 minutes after they're finished. "Would you say to
me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a
chain of these all over the world!"
No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.
And it's burnt coffee! It's burnt coffee at Starbuck's, be honest about it.
If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say,"It's the
bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot.
But when it's burnt at Starbuck's, they say, "Oh, it's a special roast.
It's a special bean from Argentina....."The bean is in your head!!! I know
burnt!!!
You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbuck's, if
it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Café Creamier: $4.50. Café Suisse: $9.50. For each
French word, another $4.00.
Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50?
Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until
you're blue in the face.
40 million people are walking around in coffee shops with pitchers of
cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know
why? Because it's called "coffee."
You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop;
they'll give you all the cinnamon you want.
Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price
for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents,
that's it.
But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a
refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want
until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 & keep drinking coffee
until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, You want more
coffee?"
Do you know that you can't get a free refill at Starbucks?
A refill is a $1.50, 2 refills, $4.50, 3 refills, $19.50.
So, for 4 cups of coffee - $35.00.
And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high
stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high
since you were 2. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing & climbing to
get
to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even
drink
the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, & everybody's
saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the
chair.
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this
country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters & no
service. And so poor people could save money on a tip.
Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee
to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee.
You got less, so you paid less.
It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup
for your Coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs.
By the time they give you nothing, it's worth 4 times as much!
Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbuck's?
Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with
that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents.
At Starbuck's, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that
cookie & it's $9.50.
And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that
if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbuck's? Cream
cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the
bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $3.12. And they don't give you the
butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where
it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here.
Sugar? Sugar is here."
Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take
the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream
cheese?
The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour & a half
selecting
items, & then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that
says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money?
Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished.
They don't give you a waiter or a busboy.
Now you've become the janitor.
Only Starbuck's can get away with it, because they have French titles.
Be sure to remember Jackie Mason's voice as you read.
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole
new type of coffee shop. Instead of charging 60 cents for coffee I'll
charge
$2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50.
Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no free
refills, no waiters, no busboys, serve it in cardboard cups, & have the
customer clean up for 20 minutes after they're finished. "Would you say to
me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a
chain of these all over the world!"
No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.
And it's burnt coffee! It's burnt coffee at Starbuck's, be honest about it.
If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say,"It's the
bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot.
But when it's burnt at Starbuck's, they say, "Oh, it's a special roast.
It's a special bean from Argentina....."The bean is in your head!!! I know
burnt!!!
You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbuck's, if
it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Café Creamier: $4.50. Café Suisse: $9.50. For each
French word, another $4.00.
Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50?
Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until
you're blue in the face.
40 million people are walking around in coffee shops with pitchers of
cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know
why? Because it's called "coffee."
You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop;
they'll give you all the cinnamon you want.
Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price
for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents,
that's it.
But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a
refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want
until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 & keep drinking coffee
until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, You want more
coffee?"
Do you know that you can't get a free refill at Starbucks?
A refill is a $1.50, 2 refills, $4.50, 3 refills, $19.50.
So, for 4 cups of coffee - $35.00.
And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high
stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high
since you were 2. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing & climbing to
get
to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even
drink
the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, & everybody's
saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the
chair.
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this
country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters & no
service. And so poor people could save money on a tip.
Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee
to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee.
You got less, so you paid less.
It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup
for your Coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs.
By the time they give you nothing, it's worth 4 times as much!
Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbuck's?
Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with
that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents.
At Starbuck's, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that
cookie & it's $9.50.
And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that
if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbuck's? Cream
cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the
bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $3.12. And they don't give you the
butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where
it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here.
Sugar? Sugar is here."
Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take
the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream
cheese?
The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour & a half
selecting
items, & then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that
says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money?
Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished.
They don't give you a waiter or a busboy.
Now you've become the janitor.
Only Starbuck's can get away with it, because they have French titles.