shit..... my heart bleeds and my body yearns....
i have so much shit on my mind i just domt know where to begin except where i want to. i guess i will start wiuth where my mind has been all day. i am really going to miss her when i go to school..damn i did not know that when u love it hurts when u leave thgem. never really thought about that. i wish i could take her with me and have her next to me every step of the way because i just love her. only god really knows how much and why i loive the way i do and so deeply. i mean that life and things happen but with her i just yearn. as i look at the pictures we took together and the many memories that we will share together in the time we will spend together before i leave but its like they are just not enough. i shared my every thought and my every emotion with this one woman and i still do. i mean damn how do u love so deeply when u know that you guys may not be together for long? how do u let someone be there with u in mind and spirit really and dont know why they are in your presence. damn love just comes and grabd you and takes you to places where you just cant be found anymore. i juist cant find my feelings anymore. i love her. i find myself just daydreaming and wishing she would be here with me all the time. we just cant really have wat we want all the time and i know it may be difficult but shes my everything and love would not be the same without her in it. we all fall in love when we think that we love someone and then when we find the real love it just magically comes and takes you away and it just does not feel so real. i just feel like a different person and i just cant make any sese of this one gurl. i do mean woman excuse me. every inch of her makes me say damn and every piece of her heart just makes me melt. i guess with me talking about her so much just makes my heart melt even more...i hope someday we get wat we both ask for. i love you baby
my day today
words do not explain my day today. i do mean it was quite boring and there is no reason behind me being so bored. there are some family issues which caused me to stay home today bu i just have to continue to pray about it and it will get better.i just do not know how or wat to do anymore. sometimes i catch myself in my room crying just wishing that i had my grandmother here telling me that things will be better and there is nothing else for me to worry about it. but there is alwats somethong going through my massive of a brain in my head. today i was browsing through a website and i found this one transgendered female to male page.i saw it and it caught my eye. i just had to read it. i described a woman who was in search of herself for a long time and like she could not find herself she reverted to any eating disorder in which she let control her until was put into rehab and was led to believe that had a deeper reason behind her sence of control here. so finally she realuzed that she was transgenedered she never really liked being a girl. it just was not for her. she felt as tough she was a man. so when she figured that out she then stpped that day and never threw up again her eating disorder was getting some closure because she changed and found herself. now she lives her life as cole and now is livig as a male. he is doing great. i mean this just hit me damn is this me? do i want to be just ie him? is my bulimis masking the fact that i am not comfortable living in the body of a woman? wat do i do? i have a family who is not going to accept me for that wat should i do?..i am so scared right now.....it hurts im confused. but i believe this might be the issue that my hearts feels as thugh s taking over me. it hurts i need some help or advice or something this shit seems to be so complicated..who knows...but i think i have to sleep on this and find out wat my mind really thinks.. it just hurts me like crazy... so im going to bed now and have to think about shit. nust know that i yearn for her but yet dont know whether i can have her but inly god knows. but umm oh and i have to think about the transgenered thing..maybe or maybe not its the issue.....but once again its only in the hands of the man above.. well until next time holla at me.