Today Tommorrow and Yesterday

[sexykittenxx]

God my updates are so sporatic i don't even know why i bother anymore! anyway today i spent the day with my mom and went to my brothers house to spend time with nanette and lil gage what a cutie! It was a great day. I needed this day with my family. I've been thinking alot lately (surprised?) about the past 4 years of my life actually just my life in general where i was what i've done who i am becoming and although at times i've hated myself and didn't think that i was worth anything more than wasted spce i have come to realize that i am happy. life throws you curve balls and i believe i hit them back pretty well. i'm excited about the next stage in my life. i'm excited about moving to alaska. on the otherhand though the recent events of my life have caused me to really think about the quality of friendships that i have. i'm losing touch with a lot of people and its no ones fault except my own because it seems like i can't balance a relationship, life, school, work and friendships. now that i'm leaving in a few months i feel like i really need to get back on track with my friends..maybe a last ditch effort to hold on to what i'm losing. most of my friends have accepted my disconnectedness and just dealt with it some deal with it by being mad at me which although i don't think is right i do understand there position. over the next few months i am going to write letters to all the people that mean something to me even if i haven't talked to them in some time. i don't expect anything from them i just want to let them know that some how or another they have impacted my life. as much as i hate to admit it i miss the carefree drama filled exciting high school friendships. i miss going to the diner EVERY night to get coffee and smoke butts with steve heather jack justin and stacey, i miss making up dances and writing notes and having sleepovers with becca, i miss dancing in the living room and being out of control crazy with erin. i miss deep conversations with justin and ray, i miss underage drinking, i miss friday night calls wanting to hang out, i miss the things i did in college with my friends, talking about random things, laughing until we cried, i miss making memories...thats what i miss most creating new memories that will last forever. i look at my photo albums and they transform me back to the event taking place and i can almost hear the convos we were having and things we were doing. i know its growing up and moving on that is happening too its not just me being too busy. but why has it taken me so long to realize that you can never be too busy for your friends. why haven't i realized that one day they might be gone. i think with the upcoming move i've realized that after december nothing will ever be the same with me and my friends and maybe im in denial and i figure if i break ties now it wont hurt as much when i leave. its heartbreaking. my friends have stuck by me through all my silly guy problems , parent issues, bitchyness, EVERYTHING and one day it will stop and i don't want it to. i want to hold on to every memory we have together and never let them go and never let the friendships go but i think thats the way life works. i really miss everyone already and i need to take advantage of the time we have left together.

i'm making this entry public incase any of my friends are on here and i don't know just so they know im thinking about them...i love you guys