RP LOG | With Lachlan [drcampbell]
[Follows THIS and THIS]
There was a nice park just a couple of blocks from The London bar, complete with a duck pond and a gazebo. It was a popular spot for outdoor weddings or just general escapes from hectic schedules in the popular university and hospital town. It was only a short walk from the bar and it was a gorgeous day outside, especially now the crowds had dispersed. Pat had baby Riley nursed securely in his arms as he approached the park and found Lachlan sitting on the edge of the sidewalk outside the park, hunched forward with his head in his hands. He wasn't being sick, at least not for the moment, but he had been, and the vomit in the gutter between Lachlan's feet just made Pat worry that little bit more.
Riley wriggled against Pat's chest with a string of cooing baby babble, and it was enough to catch Lachlan's attention. He lifted his head, frowning in the bright sunlight. His face was pale and still drenched with sweat. He swallowed and wet his lips. "Is everything okay? I-I'll be back... I just need a wee minute," he said scratchily. He didn't even know if he was being honest, though. He didn't feel well and socialising was probably low on the list.
Pat shifted the baby in his arms with ease so he could sit down beside Lachlan. "I'm risking hemorrhoids here, darling. So are you." Riley was moved to be nursed against his shoulder and he started patting the little diapered butt in the weeny denim overalls soothingly. "You take all the time you need, buddy. It's okay. And I'm sorry it all went down like it did. Aiden was just trying to help. Are you feeling okay now? Did the puke help ease some of the tension?"
Lachlan reflexively pulled his son's tiny pant legs down and made sure the baby tartan t-shirt underneath was tucked in securely. He nodded. "A wee bit," he replied. "We should maybe move. I just dinnae know if I'm done yet. My stomach willnae stop churning. I dinnae blame Aiden. I'm fucked if I cannae even handle something like that. Maybe I just dinnae have what it takes anymore. I was petrified. Kept thinking everyone had guns. I just dinnae know if I feel like going back there and celebrating."
"You don't have to," Pat reminded him gently. "No one is going to mind if you don't, darling. We were just all worried when you disappeared, so your wee angel and me decided to come for a walk to try and track you down. A cup of tea and a lie down looks like what you need. Lachie, you were brilliant out there. You always are, but I know it's a struggle for you. Your psychological and physical reactions to crowds or overexposure are still out of your control. We just all want you to be okay. If you don't want to do it, you just need to say."
"I do," Lachlan told him quietly, hugging an arm around his stomach. "I just need to carry a bucket and valium around with me," he added with a hint of a smirk. "I'm okay. I am. This is just like a hangover or something. I can do it when I'm shoved into it and know I have to, but it hits me when it's done. I've got to throw up, pass out, cry, have explosive diarrhoea, or a mix of all of the above to ease the panic inside. It's reserve stage fright. Maybe this is just my thing now? Get off the stage after a gig, puke all over the place then pass out for three days. Because I'm fecking exhausted. I was up all night with Riley and his fevery snotty nose. I wasnae ready for this."
Pat stroked his fingers softly through his godson's fine blond hair. "Are you ever going to be ready for it, Lachie? That's all I'm asking. And it's okay if you won't be. It's okay if you only ever want to play for your family and friends, and never step up in front of strangers again. You did what you had to do today, but you looked terrified. Us - your family - could see it, no one else could. You were up with your wee boy all night because he hasn't been well. You're his Daddy. That's your job. You weren't expecting the random performance to fall in your lap, but maybe Riley's snotty nose has nothing to do with it? Maybe you just can't do this anymore and maybe it's time now to consider that."
"I've considered it," Lachlan admitted, sighing. "Repeatedly. I've talked about it over and over again with Tara, too. Maybe that is just the ins and outs of it. I've changed... I've changed so much since the last time I fronted a band. I'm nay even the same person. My wife and my son are my life's blood, and they're the reason I'm here today. But I still love what I used to do. I still love music and I still love performing. I would love to be able to do all this again and to pass pieces of it onto my wee boy. But I'm tired. I'm tired because being a Daddy wouldnae be worth it if it didnae come with blood, sweat and tears. Life has slowed down like it should and my focus isnae what it was in the past. It doesnae mean I dinnae want to try and find a happy balance, though. And I do, but at the same time, I'm still terrified. I think it's just... going to have to be a slow process."
Pat smiled at his best mate. "And that's okay, darling. You know that, right? Sometimes things just need to be slow. Look at me. Prime example. I'm not even thirty yet and most days I'm slower than ninety percent of residents in Princeton Springs Nursing Homes," he joked. "I still say you're going to go grey before me, darling."
Lachlan had to laugh, despite feeling off colour. "Oh, aye? You're quick where it matters, Patto. And I've got a wee boy now. Of course I'm going to go grey quicker than you. Being a parent is one big wave of worry. But worry that is worth it," he had to add, watching Pat closely.
Pat glanced at Lachlan with a flicker of a smile before it was gone again. He rubbed softly at his godson's back and wet his lips. "Smooth, Lachie. Very smooth. I almost got whiplash at that not-so-subtle change of subject.
"I just live to be a pain in your arse," Lachlan joked and had to close his eyes for a few moments when he was hit with another bout of nausea. He leaned forward in case, taking some slow deep breaths to try and ease it.
"You do it so well," Pat threw back, shifting Riley into the crook of his arm so he could free a hand to rub Lachlan back between his shoulder blades. "I'm just going to forever be a really fantastic uncle and godfather. Kids just... I love them. I love babies and I love children. I would love some of my own, don't get me wrong. Even though I've been trying to tell everyone I don't want them. But you know how bad I am when I'm sick. I can spends weeks, months in hospital. I need to rely on other people for the most basic things. These days, a majority of that rests on Aiden's shoulders. And I've seen in these recent months that if I'm suffering, he is riding that with me because just reflexively shoulders it. I guess that is just what comes with marriage. It's like Tara when you were sick, or vice versa when she was ill. I just get it now. I don't want Aiden to be shouldered with that on a regular basis and the added stress of needing to take care of me and a child during the bad times. Not to mention the very logistics of us getting a child is stressful and painful. Like Riley, only Aiden and I will never have the luxury of a baby being both ours biologically. And that's something I know you understand really well. Stress isn't my friend. The very process could land me back in hospital again. I don't want to hurt my husband, Lachie. I just don't."
Lachlan listened quietly, though a small frown of concern was on his face. "Well, if you ever change your mind, buddy..." he reminded him.
"I know," Pat murmured with a faint smile. "And I love you both for even just the offer. I don't know what I would have done without either of you."
"And you arenae allowed to bow out early either, you know. I cannae live without my best friend telling me the colour of my AC/DC t-shirt makes me look washed out. Or coming to rescue me when I do a runner and cannae see the disco ball through the trees," Lachlan told him. "Just know that whatever happens, buddy, I love you. We both do. And if you do ever change your mind, you know you and Aiden willnae ever be alone. We'll all help. Always."
Pat shot Lachlan a smile and nodded. "Likewise, darling."
There was a nice park just a couple of blocks from The London bar, complete with a duck pond and a gazebo. It was a popular spot for outdoor weddings or just general escapes from hectic schedules in the popular university and hospital town. It was only a short walk from the bar and it was a gorgeous day outside, especially now the crowds had dispersed. Pat had baby Riley nursed securely in his arms as he approached the park and found Lachlan sitting on the edge of the sidewalk outside the park, hunched forward with his head in his hands. He wasn't being sick, at least not for the moment, but he had been, and the vomit in the gutter between Lachlan's feet just made Pat worry that little bit more.
Riley wriggled against Pat's chest with a string of cooing baby babble, and it was enough to catch Lachlan's attention. He lifted his head, frowning in the bright sunlight. His face was pale and still drenched with sweat. He swallowed and wet his lips. "Is everything okay? I-I'll be back... I just need a wee minute," he said scratchily. He didn't even know if he was being honest, though. He didn't feel well and socialising was probably low on the list.
Pat shifted the baby in his arms with ease so he could sit down beside Lachlan. "I'm risking hemorrhoids here, darling. So are you." Riley was moved to be nursed against his shoulder and he started patting the little diapered butt in the weeny denim overalls soothingly. "You take all the time you need, buddy. It's okay. And I'm sorry it all went down like it did. Aiden was just trying to help. Are you feeling okay now? Did the puke help ease some of the tension?"
Lachlan reflexively pulled his son's tiny pant legs down and made sure the baby tartan t-shirt underneath was tucked in securely. He nodded. "A wee bit," he replied. "We should maybe move. I just dinnae know if I'm done yet. My stomach willnae stop churning. I dinnae blame Aiden. I'm fucked if I cannae even handle something like that. Maybe I just dinnae have what it takes anymore. I was petrified. Kept thinking everyone had guns. I just dinnae know if I feel like going back there and celebrating."
"You don't have to," Pat reminded him gently. "No one is going to mind if you don't, darling. We were just all worried when you disappeared, so your wee angel and me decided to come for a walk to try and track you down. A cup of tea and a lie down looks like what you need. Lachie, you were brilliant out there. You always are, but I know it's a struggle for you. Your psychological and physical reactions to crowds or overexposure are still out of your control. We just all want you to be okay. If you don't want to do it, you just need to say."
"I do," Lachlan told him quietly, hugging an arm around his stomach. "I just need to carry a bucket and valium around with me," he added with a hint of a smirk. "I'm okay. I am. This is just like a hangover or something. I can do it when I'm shoved into it and know I have to, but it hits me when it's done. I've got to throw up, pass out, cry, have explosive diarrhoea, or a mix of all of the above to ease the panic inside. It's reserve stage fright. Maybe this is just my thing now? Get off the stage after a gig, puke all over the place then pass out for three days. Because I'm fecking exhausted. I was up all night with Riley and his fevery snotty nose. I wasnae ready for this."
Pat stroked his fingers softly through his godson's fine blond hair. "Are you ever going to be ready for it, Lachie? That's all I'm asking. And it's okay if you won't be. It's okay if you only ever want to play for your family and friends, and never step up in front of strangers again. You did what you had to do today, but you looked terrified. Us - your family - could see it, no one else could. You were up with your wee boy all night because he hasn't been well. You're his Daddy. That's your job. You weren't expecting the random performance to fall in your lap, but maybe Riley's snotty nose has nothing to do with it? Maybe you just can't do this anymore and maybe it's time now to consider that."
"I've considered it," Lachlan admitted, sighing. "Repeatedly. I've talked about it over and over again with Tara, too. Maybe that is just the ins and outs of it. I've changed... I've changed so much since the last time I fronted a band. I'm nay even the same person. My wife and my son are my life's blood, and they're the reason I'm here today. But I still love what I used to do. I still love music and I still love performing. I would love to be able to do all this again and to pass pieces of it onto my wee boy. But I'm tired. I'm tired because being a Daddy wouldnae be worth it if it didnae come with blood, sweat and tears. Life has slowed down like it should and my focus isnae what it was in the past. It doesnae mean I dinnae want to try and find a happy balance, though. And I do, but at the same time, I'm still terrified. I think it's just... going to have to be a slow process."
Pat smiled at his best mate. "And that's okay, darling. You know that, right? Sometimes things just need to be slow. Look at me. Prime example. I'm not even thirty yet and most days I'm slower than ninety percent of residents in Princeton Springs Nursing Homes," he joked. "I still say you're going to go grey before me, darling."
Lachlan had to laugh, despite feeling off colour. "Oh, aye? You're quick where it matters, Patto. And I've got a wee boy now. Of course I'm going to go grey quicker than you. Being a parent is one big wave of worry. But worry that is worth it," he had to add, watching Pat closely.
Pat glanced at Lachlan with a flicker of a smile before it was gone again. He rubbed softly at his godson's back and wet his lips. "Smooth, Lachie. Very smooth. I almost got whiplash at that not-so-subtle change of subject.
"I just live to be a pain in your arse," Lachlan joked and had to close his eyes for a few moments when he was hit with another bout of nausea. He leaned forward in case, taking some slow deep breaths to try and ease it.
"You do it so well," Pat threw back, shifting Riley into the crook of his arm so he could free a hand to rub Lachlan back between his shoulder blades. "I'm just going to forever be a really fantastic uncle and godfather. Kids just... I love them. I love babies and I love children. I would love some of my own, don't get me wrong. Even though I've been trying to tell everyone I don't want them. But you know how bad I am when I'm sick. I can spends weeks, months in hospital. I need to rely on other people for the most basic things. These days, a majority of that rests on Aiden's shoulders. And I've seen in these recent months that if I'm suffering, he is riding that with me because just reflexively shoulders it. I guess that is just what comes with marriage. It's like Tara when you were sick, or vice versa when she was ill. I just get it now. I don't want Aiden to be shouldered with that on a regular basis and the added stress of needing to take care of me and a child during the bad times. Not to mention the very logistics of us getting a child is stressful and painful. Like Riley, only Aiden and I will never have the luxury of a baby being both ours biologically. And that's something I know you understand really well. Stress isn't my friend. The very process could land me back in hospital again. I don't want to hurt my husband, Lachie. I just don't."
Lachlan listened quietly, though a small frown of concern was on his face. "Well, if you ever change your mind, buddy..." he reminded him.
"I know," Pat murmured with a faint smile. "And I love you both for even just the offer. I don't know what I would have done without either of you."
"And you arenae allowed to bow out early either, you know. I cannae live without my best friend telling me the colour of my AC/DC t-shirt makes me look washed out. Or coming to rescue me when I do a runner and cannae see the disco ball through the trees," Lachlan told him. "Just know that whatever happens, buddy, I love you. We both do. And if you do ever change your mind, you know you and Aiden willnae ever be alone. We'll all help. Always."
Pat shot Lachlan a smile and nodded. "Likewise, darling."