(no subject)
Friday night, nothing was going well. An exhausting night at work, mindless data entry, which frees the brain to contemplate other things, i.e. 'do I really earn money this way?'. As I went about my journey home I almost had a wreck reaching into the back seat to find a tape, any tape, other than the 52 that occupy the passenger seat. I shall be the last person in America without a cd player in his car. Anyway, what do I find, but the Bangles Different Light cassette, circa mid-80s. And damn, if I didn't know every word to every song on the way home. It's funny what will make you feel better in the weirdest of times. God Bless 3rd grade nostalgia.
Everything seems to be moving too fast right now, and as usual, I'm moving too slow. So much to get done in the next few weeks and I'm starting to freak out. I don't even know if it matters. I don't even know if I have real friends anymore, or what I want to do with myself. All I know is the more I try to take control of myself, the lonelier I seem to be. I don't think anybody understands me, but who says they have to?
I'm feeling much more confident in music these days, but find myself wanting to do less and less of it with other people. Just to be alone in a hall for a few hours would probably prove most therapeutic. I'm thinking I can actually lose weight this time too. I want to play next summer. I miss softball. I miss playing. I miss associating with the softball folk who are a world different from people I'm typically around.
I'm really missing my old friends right now. People from college, I don't care to really talk to now, but miss how we used to be. So many people glamorize their relationships with others. I know, I used to. Claiming my friends in college were all blood brothers and soul sisters. It's bullshit. It's never like that. What I did have however, was a family. We hardly got along most of the time, and that's how I could tell we were a family. No more than 3 of us could hang out on any given night because someone was always bitter at someone else, but if your ass was on the line, you knew they'd be there. We were hardly even a group of friends. More like single representatives of other groups who all happened to subscribe to same brand of religion consisting of celebrating one's dorkiness, coffee houses, and making fun of the Elite. I love all of them. They'd be happy to hear from me if I called them, as they always are when I call. But they never call me. That kind of sucks. I had dinner with Jessica on Saturday at Bahama Breeze. The wait sucked, the food was awesome, but not as much as having to wait and getting to talk to her for an hour. Maybe I need more of that.
I miss people. I miss not being super gay, or using drugs, or being a club kid, or a health nut, or a politically charged activist, and having that be okay with all of those kinds of people I knew. I miss being not so grown up as to act like one's parents when people are at your house, but being mature enough to relax and not feel the need to impress, kiss ass, or worry if people think you're funny.
I'm 26. I'm grateful for so many things I have. I'm not very happy these days and I don't know why. In the meantime, I'm going to survive by staying busy. I'll practice, piss off metro Louisville with my incessant pleas to play community orchestra, organize the new place, eat cheesecake and drink my orange Mt. Dew. But for now, I can't stop crying.
Everything seems to be moving too fast right now, and as usual, I'm moving too slow. So much to get done in the next few weeks and I'm starting to freak out. I don't even know if it matters. I don't even know if I have real friends anymore, or what I want to do with myself. All I know is the more I try to take control of myself, the lonelier I seem to be. I don't think anybody understands me, but who says they have to?
I'm feeling much more confident in music these days, but find myself wanting to do less and less of it with other people. Just to be alone in a hall for a few hours would probably prove most therapeutic. I'm thinking I can actually lose weight this time too. I want to play next summer. I miss softball. I miss playing. I miss associating with the softball folk who are a world different from people I'm typically around.
I'm really missing my old friends right now. People from college, I don't care to really talk to now, but miss how we used to be. So many people glamorize their relationships with others. I know, I used to. Claiming my friends in college were all blood brothers and soul sisters. It's bullshit. It's never like that. What I did have however, was a family. We hardly got along most of the time, and that's how I could tell we were a family. No more than 3 of us could hang out on any given night because someone was always bitter at someone else, but if your ass was on the line, you knew they'd be there. We were hardly even a group of friends. More like single representatives of other groups who all happened to subscribe to same brand of religion consisting of celebrating one's dorkiness, coffee houses, and making fun of the Elite. I love all of them. They'd be happy to hear from me if I called them, as they always are when I call. But they never call me. That kind of sucks. I had dinner with Jessica on Saturday at Bahama Breeze. The wait sucked, the food was awesome, but not as much as having to wait and getting to talk to her for an hour. Maybe I need more of that.
I miss people. I miss not being super gay, or using drugs, or being a club kid, or a health nut, or a politically charged activist, and having that be okay with all of those kinds of people I knew. I miss being not so grown up as to act like one's parents when people are at your house, but being mature enough to relax and not feel the need to impress, kiss ass, or worry if people think you're funny.
I'm 26. I'm grateful for so many things I have. I'm not very happy these days and I don't know why. In the meantime, I'm going to survive by staying busy. I'll practice, piss off metro Louisville with my incessant pleas to play community orchestra, organize the new place, eat cheesecake and drink my orange Mt. Dew. But for now, I can't stop crying.