05.03.06
Another near waste of a day. In terms of homework and sleeping (only the second of which I did enough of today) my day has been totally annoying. But, I went to church and it was really rewarding. I was just sitting there and something we were singing or something the minister Doug said made me start to cry... it was something about having the shittiest, busiest week ever or it was the Breathe in peace, breathe out love song... I remember those two got to me, whichever it was that made me cry... But I stopped myself. A little embarrassing if someone would notice. Yikes.
No, we just talked about diversity and respect and how UUs are active endorsers of diversity when other religions are sometimes not so much all about it. And there were some really nice songs and it was sorta inspiring and renewing a little. And now I want to spend the whole day just relaxing and renewing more but I can't. I have homework to do and I'm feeling a little bit resentful (as usual) of that and of my life in general. And on the way home from church I passed this really nice looking little house in Birmingham and I realized how much I want to move into a new home and learn which places I like to sit and look outside or think about things or... I just want to find a new place to be and start over with all those little things that I never chose as a child to love or appreciate or seek. I just want to actively seek some serious peace and contentment but that would involve living a life I want to live. And I'm not sure if I could choose anything right now 'cause the reason I'm living a life for my parents is that I never could figure out what I wanted.
And then there are some nurturing songs I've got to listen to and there are things I can do to feel almost okay. I just know that I'm miserable all the time. And I don't know if it's just my brain or if it's actually something I could control. Like I'm always bitching, it doesn't seem like I have any control 'cause my emotions sway like weather patterns in Michigan without predictability. Like, my choices hardly manifest themselves in my emotional landscapes. Clearly a hell week like last week will make me severely upset, but even when things are okay| the only thing I can think is that I get too happy and then I just swing back like a little bipolar pendulum. But that doesn't even always account for the bad moods, not always at least, at least I don't think so.
Wow, so I'm looking forward to some time off. I hope I can make good use of my time. I'm toying with the idea of taking off. I have five hundred bucks saved up for something I want... but I can see myself NO! I can see myself checking in and making a responsible decision. Most of the time when I'm not making good decisions it's either 'cause I'm out of control stressed or 'cause my friends pressure me into things... only sometimes do they turn out badly. I'm just saying, I feel pressured into things way too often. But I worry if I never allowed that what I'd ever do.
I just figure someone might find the ledger of my life (as activity exchange) boring but if it works for me there is no right to criticize.
I have to shed the fear, find the truth and voice and choices I want... I have to really do this 'cause there's no other way I'll avoid suicide in the next four years. I just have such hope some days and then other I'm too busy... too busy for the more important of the activities in my busy life. School doesn't matter if I'm not gonna live to find a profession. (I have a hunch that yoga and meditation will play a role in finding a peaceful contentment inside.)
No, we just talked about diversity and respect and how UUs are active endorsers of diversity when other religions are sometimes not so much all about it. And there were some really nice songs and it was sorta inspiring and renewing a little. And now I want to spend the whole day just relaxing and renewing more but I can't. I have homework to do and I'm feeling a little bit resentful (as usual) of that and of my life in general. And on the way home from church I passed this really nice looking little house in Birmingham and I realized how much I want to move into a new home and learn which places I like to sit and look outside or think about things or... I just want to find a new place to be and start over with all those little things that I never chose as a child to love or appreciate or seek. I just want to actively seek some serious peace and contentment but that would involve living a life I want to live. And I'm not sure if I could choose anything right now 'cause the reason I'm living a life for my parents is that I never could figure out what I wanted.
And then there are some nurturing songs I've got to listen to and there are things I can do to feel almost okay. I just know that I'm miserable all the time. And I don't know if it's just my brain or if it's actually something I could control. Like I'm always bitching, it doesn't seem like I have any control 'cause my emotions sway like weather patterns in Michigan without predictability. Like, my choices hardly manifest themselves in my emotional landscapes. Clearly a hell week like last week will make me severely upset, but even when things are okay| the only thing I can think is that I get too happy and then I just swing back like a little bipolar pendulum. But that doesn't even always account for the bad moods, not always at least, at least I don't think so.
Wow, so I'm looking forward to some time off. I hope I can make good use of my time. I'm toying with the idea of taking off. I have five hundred bucks saved up for something I want... but I can see myself NO! I can see myself checking in and making a responsible decision. Most of the time when I'm not making good decisions it's either 'cause I'm out of control stressed or 'cause my friends pressure me into things... only sometimes do they turn out badly. I'm just saying, I feel pressured into things way too often. But I worry if I never allowed that what I'd ever do.
I just figure someone might find the ledger of my life (as activity exchange) boring but if it works for me there is no right to criticize.
I have to shed the fear, find the truth and voice and choices I want... I have to really do this 'cause there's no other way I'll avoid suicide in the next four years. I just have such hope some days and then other I'm too busy... too busy for the more important of the activities in my busy life. School doesn't matter if I'm not gonna live to find a profession. (I have a hunch that yoga and meditation will play a role in finding a peaceful contentment inside.)