[on_thecouch] 61.1 - It's Not Easy (to be me)
(Jenny is loves_kitkats)
"Everything is simpler than you think and at the same time more complex than you imagine."
"I'm sorry, big brother, say that again?"
Noah sighed. He knew perfectly well she had heard him. "What do you think about me moving back to Chicago?"
"No."
"Jenny, you haven't-."
"No," she said more firmly. "Haven't we been through this before?"
"For a day at best," he said. "Sure, but that was before I was sober. Back then...I just wanted to run away."
"And this isn't you running away?"
"No. This is me thinking about it clearly."
"Fine. So tell me clearly why you think you should move."
"Well..I didn't exactly make the choice to move here on a clear mind. It was...the best chance to get away from Jo. And I miss you and Alexis, and no matter how hard I try...I can't feel at home here."
"You haven't stayed long enough yet."
"It's been more than a year."
"And what about the things you'd be leaving behind?"
"The job? It'll be the same job no matter where I go. Maybe I'll make less, but it'll still be the same."
"What about your friends?"
"I...haven't really done much to deserve them as friends," he said quietly. "Besides, if they want I can easily keep in touch. I...make things awkward for all of them by being around. They don't need that."
"Oh, so you're doing them a favor. Right."
"Jenny-"
"And Dr. Shea?"
Noah closed his eyes and sighed. "What about her?"
"Are you sure you're not leaving because of her?"
"Jesus. Everything I do isn't about her, Jenny. But sure...it'll be easier for her too, if I'm not here. She can have her friends back."
"Sounds like running away to me."
"I'm not running from anything! I'm just...thinking that this isn't the best place to keep me happy. Shouldn't I be happy?"
"Yes. But I'm not sure if you've figured out what should be making you happy."
"You say that like I'm still some alcoholic-"
"You are, Noah. That will always be you. You can blame the drinking, but you still don't know what the hell you're doing. You're still...holding onto things, and-and..." Jenny let out a frustrated sigh.
"I am different," he argued.
"I know. I know you are, but...you can't just make a change like that and expect everything to be better. Will you even have friends here? Ones that aren't drinking buddies? You still want the girl, don't you?"
Noah shook his head, knowing she couldn't see it. "No, I-...it doesn't matter what I want. She doesn't want me anymore. She's moved on, and the best thing I can do is...let her. I don't even know that we'll be friends again, so no, I'm not making her a factor in my decision. I...can't."
"No, of course you're not," she sighed.
"Y'know, I thought this conversation might actually be a help. I didn't realize you were going to give me a hard time and mock me."
"I'm not mocking you! Noah...I love you. I would love you to live nearby again. I really would. And I know Alexis would, and Mom...but I...I don't think you're considering this as clearly as you think you are. You still have things you need to work out there, and moving away won't solve any of it. Talk to your friends. Tell them you feel like a jerk, like you're coming between them and Michaela. Tell them you don't mean to. For godssake, tell them you love them."
"Jen-"
"I'm not done. Get out more. Get to know the area better, and meet people maybe that you don't work with. Go on a couple dates. And more importantly, don't ambush her or make her uncomfortable, but tell Michaela you're not interested in going back to where you were. Tell her you understand she isn't either, and that it's okay, and you're fine with it. Then give her some space, and if you guys can start being friends again without the awkwardness then it'll happen. And go to the job you love. Go to your AA meetings. Actually try making it your home. After all of that, if it still isn't working, then you talk about moving back. Only then."
Noah dropped his head in his hand and rubbed his eyes. He let out a soft snort. "You make it sound so simple."
"That sounded simple to you?"
"No, but it still sounds a lot easier than it would be to actually do."
"Well...think of it as a growing experience. A couple new steps of rehab."
"I just-"
"Nope," she said lightly, but not in an uncaring tone. "I've said my piece. You asked my advice and I gave it. Now I have to go sit with Andy while he watches some game."
Noah snorted. "You? Watching a game?"
"No. He's watching it. I'll be reading. He said something about being homesick and needing someone to watch it with and-"
"And you really like this guy, huh?"
"He's just a friend!" She shouted for the fiftieth time, before hanging up on him.
Noah sighed and hung up as well. A guy trying to edge in on his sister, just one more thing he had to worry about.
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"Everything is simpler than you think and at the same time more complex than you imagine."
"I'm sorry, big brother, say that again?"
Noah sighed. He knew perfectly well she had heard him. "What do you think about me moving back to Chicago?"
"No."
"Jenny, you haven't-."
"No," she said more firmly. "Haven't we been through this before?"
"For a day at best," he said. "Sure, but that was before I was sober. Back then...I just wanted to run away."
"And this isn't you running away?"
"No. This is me thinking about it clearly."
"Fine. So tell me clearly why you think you should move."
"Well..I didn't exactly make the choice to move here on a clear mind. It was...the best chance to get away from Jo. And I miss you and Alexis, and no matter how hard I try...I can't feel at home here."
"You haven't stayed long enough yet."
"It's been more than a year."
"And what about the things you'd be leaving behind?"
"The job? It'll be the same job no matter where I go. Maybe I'll make less, but it'll still be the same."
"What about your friends?"
"I...haven't really done much to deserve them as friends," he said quietly. "Besides, if they want I can easily keep in touch. I...make things awkward for all of them by being around. They don't need that."
"Oh, so you're doing them a favor. Right."
"Jenny-"
"And Dr. Shea?"
Noah closed his eyes and sighed. "What about her?"
"Are you sure you're not leaving because of her?"
"Jesus. Everything I do isn't about her, Jenny. But sure...it'll be easier for her too, if I'm not here. She can have her friends back."
"Sounds like running away to me."
"I'm not running from anything! I'm just...thinking that this isn't the best place to keep me happy. Shouldn't I be happy?"
"Yes. But I'm not sure if you've figured out what should be making you happy."
"You say that like I'm still some alcoholic-"
"You are, Noah. That will always be you. You can blame the drinking, but you still don't know what the hell you're doing. You're still...holding onto things, and-and..." Jenny let out a frustrated sigh.
"I am different," he argued.
"I know. I know you are, but...you can't just make a change like that and expect everything to be better. Will you even have friends here? Ones that aren't drinking buddies? You still want the girl, don't you?"
Noah shook his head, knowing she couldn't see it. "No, I-...it doesn't matter what I want. She doesn't want me anymore. She's moved on, and the best thing I can do is...let her. I don't even know that we'll be friends again, so no, I'm not making her a factor in my decision. I...can't."
"No, of course you're not," she sighed.
"Y'know, I thought this conversation might actually be a help. I didn't realize you were going to give me a hard time and mock me."
"I'm not mocking you! Noah...I love you. I would love you to live nearby again. I really would. And I know Alexis would, and Mom...but I...I don't think you're considering this as clearly as you think you are. You still have things you need to work out there, and moving away won't solve any of it. Talk to your friends. Tell them you feel like a jerk, like you're coming between them and Michaela. Tell them you don't mean to. For godssake, tell them you love them."
"Jen-"
"I'm not done. Get out more. Get to know the area better, and meet people maybe that you don't work with. Go on a couple dates. And more importantly, don't ambush her or make her uncomfortable, but tell Michaela you're not interested in going back to where you were. Tell her you understand she isn't either, and that it's okay, and you're fine with it. Then give her some space, and if you guys can start being friends again without the awkwardness then it'll happen. And go to the job you love. Go to your AA meetings. Actually try making it your home. After all of that, if it still isn't working, then you talk about moving back. Only then."
Noah dropped his head in his hand and rubbed his eyes. He let out a soft snort. "You make it sound so simple."
"That sounded simple to you?"
"No, but it still sounds a lot easier than it would be to actually do."
"Well...think of it as a growing experience. A couple new steps of rehab."
"I just-"
"Nope," she said lightly, but not in an uncaring tone. "I've said my piece. You asked my advice and I gave it. Now I have to go sit with Andy while he watches some game."
Noah snorted. "You? Watching a game?"
"No. He's watching it. I'll be reading. He said something about being homesick and needing someone to watch it with and-"
"And you really like this guy, huh?"
"He's just a friend!" She shouted for the fiftieth time, before hanging up on him.
Noah sighed and hung up as well. A guy trying to edge in on his sister, just one more thing he had to worry about.
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