[on_thecouch] 50.3 - Bad Reputation
You got a bad reputation//That's the word out on the town//It gives a certain fascination//But it can only bring you down
Noah looked at himself in the mirror. His fingers brushed his face as he sighed. He'd been out of rehab for three months. As long as he'd been in. And while those three months inside had felt like eternity, it felt like the last three months had been even longer. He had struggled in the beginning. He continued struggling. Just as it had gotten slightly easier, Jenny had gone home, leaving him alone. Though he stayed with Tony for several days, he did eventually go home. Where he was truly alone for the first time in a very long time. He didn't have the familiar comfort of alcohol to keep him company. The friend that had gotten him through his early twenties, through the end of his marriage, and through the months after moving to New Jersey. Until the moment he couldn't rely on it anymore. There was a pain inside of him, in every piece of himself, that wanted to cave. The voice in his head saying that nothing was worth the pain, the thoughts, or the memories. It told him that he wasn't worth it. He'd finally fucked up too much. Let everyone down. Lost someone he never got the chance to have.
The voice told him that all he could count on was that bottle.
And he ignored it. He heard it loud and clear, but he didn't listen. He sighed again, looking at his reflection. Maybe it was the fact that he was seeing himself through sober eyes, but his face looked as though he had aged years in just those six months. But maybe he had always looked that old and worn. How could he know? He'd been drunk. He had been a drunk. Something he had to keep reminding himself, in hopes he would disgust himself as much as he should.
And usually it worked. Yes, every day was a struggle, and yes, he felt very alone. He wasn't though. He knew that deep down. He had Tony. Jake and Grace. Jenny and Lexie. For some reason they all believed in him. Some even loved him. So no, maybe the women he had cared about in his years couldn't love him, but he wasn't alone. The other thing he had to keep reminding himself.
"You're not alone," he murmured in to empty bathroom.
You better turn yourself around//Turn yourself around//Turn it upside down//Turn yourself around
Four months out of rehab. He was losing himself in work, but not in the bad way he once used to. He had found that passion for the job that had faded somewhere over the years. He had still loved it, but the passion hadn't been the same since he was younger. He was feeling happier from spending time with his kids, and that in turn kept their spirits up. Which was so important.
He was smiling more. Not that he hadn't in the months before, but it was a lot easier coming through that fourth month. It wasn't a cheap smile with tightly held lips that didn't reach his eyes. It was that real smile that he hadn't gotten much of over recent years. The one that had peeked out in his time with Michaela. But now he didn't need her as a reason for that smile. It came for his patients, his friends. Not for himself quite yet.
But an improvement was an improvement.
He went out more. He stopped avoiding his friends. The two paired off couples that tended to make him feel like an awkward fifth wheel. A broken one at that. Sure it still hit him at times, kind of hard not to, but he was able to get past it and enjoy his time with them. In fact it almost made him happy to watch Jake and Grace. They were so crazy about each other and so happy, which was once something that would have sunken him deeper into depression. But it didn't (Not always). He even didn't mind hanging around Nikki. She still seemed to hold a bitter resentment for him from what had transpired between Michaela and himself, but their bickering had become more playful than hateful. They teased each other like always, threw out insults, but all with smiles (Usually).
And even more, he could go out with his friends and be okay with them drinking in front of him. Sometimes he had to decline when he wasn't feeling strong enough, but other times he went and drank his Coke and enjoyed himself.
He needed to enjoy himself. It had been way too long.
You had bad breaks well that's tough luck//You play too hard too much rough stuff//You're too sly so cold//That bad reputation has made you old
It was five months since rehab when he sat down across from the EvilBi-...his ex-wife. He had taken a long weekend to fly to Chicago, then borrowed his father's car for the seven hour drive to Minneapolis.
He sat across from the woman who had much to do with the way he saw himself, and the way he treated himself. For the first time in years, he felt calm before her. He had cleaned himself up and dressed nicely. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say to her, but he knew he needed to say something.
"Aw, honey. Sobriety looks good on you," she smirked, tilting her head slightly. "Almost makes you look manly again." Her hands folded together on the diner table.
"Stop," he said, softly at first. His eyes flickered up to set on hers. The damn smirk of hers was still on her lips. "You..." he shook his head. All the names and insults he usually threw at her lingered on his tongue, but he left them behind. "You're a sad woman, Jo. You really are. It's not even pathetic, it's just sad. I wish I knew where the woman went that I fell in love with, but she's gone." His hand waved dismissively. "If she ever existed." Jo opened her mouth, but he held his hand up to stop her.
"I took your abuse for a long time. Dished out my own. I turned into the worthless, piece of shit, hardly-a-man that you constantly told me I was. It wasn't even a matter of feeling I didn't deserve more, but not feeling like I deserved anything. I let you turn me into...someone I never-...no. I turned myself into someone I never want to be again. I hurt people and I really regret that. I can even regret any hurt I caused you. I regret it and I'm sorry. I don't expect you'll ever say the same, and even if I don't think you deserve my apology...I need to give it for me. Because...I need to be done with you. I am done with you, Jo. I'll keep up with the settlement you bullied out of me, but when the time comes for that to end? You'll never hear from me again. I demand the same of you."
Noah stood up at that, not really interested in saying anything more to her or hearing anything she had to say. He tossed down some money for their coffee. Sure she was already bleeding him, but he didn't give a fuck. He just wanted to walk away. So he did. He walked for the door and walked out. He was just a few feet away when she called his name from behind. He turned and stood still as he watched her walk closer.
Her ice-cold eyes were duller, cloudier than usual. Her usual self composed, straight standing composure was gone. She stood in front of him, arms crossed over her chest as she searched his eyes. He waited. For an apology, for her reasoning, for anything. He waited for a couple minutes and was about to give up, when she finally spoke.
"You look good, Noah," she said softly, before turning and walking away. He watched after her in amazement. Everything he had said and that was the best she could come up with. He shrugged. He honestly didn't want to care anymore. True, it hadn't been much. In most peoples books it hadn't been anything. But...it was the best she could do. Which just made him feel sorry for her. Another first in a very long time. He didn't feel sorry for himself after seeing her, he only felt sorry for her. And the very sad life she led.
***
The next day, after another seven hour drive, Noah sat with his mother and stepfather in their living room. They hadn't had a real conversation yet, as they had turned down his request to visit him at the rehab center. His mother watched him while holding her husband's hands.
"I'm glad you came to visit, honey," his mother said.
Richard nodded. "You look well, son."
Noah didn't flinch at being called son. In fact, he believed the words his stepfather spoke. "Thanks," he nodded. He watched his hands for a long time before looking at them again. "I know things have never been easy between the three of us, and I'm sorry for my part in that. I know I've never made things easy. I'm...I'm really trying. I just...hope I can make it. Make you both...proud of me."
His mothers face fell and she sighed. "Noah. Honey. You...you always make me proud."
Noah shook his head. "You don't have to lie, Mom. I know I've let the family down, and embarrassed you. I know I could have done a lot better with my life, and-"
"Stop it, Noah," Richard said gruffly. Both Noah and his mother turned to the man, fearing what would be said. Richard fell silent for a moment, then leaned over his knees a bit. "You've been through a lot, and maybe you haven't always handled it the right way...but we..I wasn't really there for you like I should have been. I didn't make any of it easier."
His mother gave a shaking smile as she nodded. "We've both...made mistakes," she agreed. "But we love you. We're always going to love you, no matter what. I'm sorry if I haven't said that before, or given you reason to believe it."
Noah watched them. He had so many questions. Why they couldn't have come to see him in rehab? Why they still blamed Jenny's incident on him? Why-. No, he couldn't bother with the whys right then. Not when things were good in that moment. He had to be a grown man and take the moment as it was. He nodded. "Guess...we've all got some blame."
"Seems so," Richard said quietly with a nod. His mother nodded as well.
***
While both confrontations had been good for him, the best moment came when he was at the airport. Jenny and Lexie were there, offering him hugs and kisses. He told Lexie how much he loved her, then moved to Jenny. His hand covered her cheek. They had struggled through a difficult conversation of the past when she visited him at rehab. It had been emotional, and she hadn't talked much, but they had gotten through it. Now he just smiled softly to her.
"I love you, Jenny Bean."
"Love you too, big brother."
"Do me a favor?"
"What?"
"Talk to someone? Really talk to someone? I don't...I don't want you burying the past anymore. The last thing I want is for you to ever feel the way I have over the years."
Jenny's eyes shot down and she studied her feet. "I'll think about it," she said softly. He pulled her face up so she would look at him again.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry I let you down."
"Oh Noah," she sighed. "Stop...stop apologizing. Please. Stop holding the blame."
"I'm working on that," he nodded. "I just...needed to tell you once more."
"Okay." Jenny nodded and squeezed his hand. "Just promise me you'll never say it again?"
He laughed lightly. "Cross my heart." He pulled her into his arms and pulled Lexie in as well. He hugged his younger sisters tightly, kissing the tops of their heads. "You two have been the reason," he murmured. "You've always been the reason for me to keep going."
They traded goodbyes and love yous once more, before he walked away to head home. Home. Whatever had or hadn't happened there, it was home for him now. And he was ready to go back. Good or bad, it was home.
Nothing was fixed completely. Noah still had so much to work on, so far to go to find his happiness. To find contentment. Find himself. He wasn't even sure if he would make it, but so far...he had made it. Sober for eight months. It left him curious what he could do to make the ninth month count for that much more.
Turn yourself around//Turn yourself around//Turn it upside down//Turn yourself around
2175
(lyrics by Thin Lizzy)
Noah looked at himself in the mirror. His fingers brushed his face as he sighed. He'd been out of rehab for three months. As long as he'd been in. And while those three months inside had felt like eternity, it felt like the last three months had been even longer. He had struggled in the beginning. He continued struggling. Just as it had gotten slightly easier, Jenny had gone home, leaving him alone. Though he stayed with Tony for several days, he did eventually go home. Where he was truly alone for the first time in a very long time. He didn't have the familiar comfort of alcohol to keep him company. The friend that had gotten him through his early twenties, through the end of his marriage, and through the months after moving to New Jersey. Until the moment he couldn't rely on it anymore. There was a pain inside of him, in every piece of himself, that wanted to cave. The voice in his head saying that nothing was worth the pain, the thoughts, or the memories. It told him that he wasn't worth it. He'd finally fucked up too much. Let everyone down. Lost someone he never got the chance to have.
The voice told him that all he could count on was that bottle.
And he ignored it. He heard it loud and clear, but he didn't listen. He sighed again, looking at his reflection. Maybe it was the fact that he was seeing himself through sober eyes, but his face looked as though he had aged years in just those six months. But maybe he had always looked that old and worn. How could he know? He'd been drunk. He had been a drunk. Something he had to keep reminding himself, in hopes he would disgust himself as much as he should.
And usually it worked. Yes, every day was a struggle, and yes, he felt very alone. He wasn't though. He knew that deep down. He had Tony. Jake and Grace. Jenny and Lexie. For some reason they all believed in him. Some even loved him. So no, maybe the women he had cared about in his years couldn't love him, but he wasn't alone. The other thing he had to keep reminding himself.
"You're not alone," he murmured in to empty bathroom.
You better turn yourself around//Turn yourself around//Turn it upside down//Turn yourself around
Four months out of rehab. He was losing himself in work, but not in the bad way he once used to. He had found that passion for the job that had faded somewhere over the years. He had still loved it, but the passion hadn't been the same since he was younger. He was feeling happier from spending time with his kids, and that in turn kept their spirits up. Which was so important.
He was smiling more. Not that he hadn't in the months before, but it was a lot easier coming through that fourth month. It wasn't a cheap smile with tightly held lips that didn't reach his eyes. It was that real smile that he hadn't gotten much of over recent years. The one that had peeked out in his time with Michaela. But now he didn't need her as a reason for that smile. It came for his patients, his friends. Not for himself quite yet.
But an improvement was an improvement.
He went out more. He stopped avoiding his friends. The two paired off couples that tended to make him feel like an awkward fifth wheel. A broken one at that. Sure it still hit him at times, kind of hard not to, but he was able to get past it and enjoy his time with them. In fact it almost made him happy to watch Jake and Grace. They were so crazy about each other and so happy, which was once something that would have sunken him deeper into depression. But it didn't (Not always). He even didn't mind hanging around Nikki. She still seemed to hold a bitter resentment for him from what had transpired between Michaela and himself, but their bickering had become more playful than hateful. They teased each other like always, threw out insults, but all with smiles (Usually).
And even more, he could go out with his friends and be okay with them drinking in front of him. Sometimes he had to decline when he wasn't feeling strong enough, but other times he went and drank his Coke and enjoyed himself.
He needed to enjoy himself. It had been way too long.
You had bad breaks well that's tough luck//You play too hard too much rough stuff//You're too sly so cold//That bad reputation has made you old
It was five months since rehab when he sat down across from the EvilBi-...his ex-wife. He had taken a long weekend to fly to Chicago, then borrowed his father's car for the seven hour drive to Minneapolis.
He sat across from the woman who had much to do with the way he saw himself, and the way he treated himself. For the first time in years, he felt calm before her. He had cleaned himself up and dressed nicely. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say to her, but he knew he needed to say something.
"Aw, honey. Sobriety looks good on you," she smirked, tilting her head slightly. "Almost makes you look manly again." Her hands folded together on the diner table.
"Stop," he said, softly at first. His eyes flickered up to set on hers. The damn smirk of hers was still on her lips. "You..." he shook his head. All the names and insults he usually threw at her lingered on his tongue, but he left them behind. "You're a sad woman, Jo. You really are. It's not even pathetic, it's just sad. I wish I knew where the woman went that I fell in love with, but she's gone." His hand waved dismissively. "If she ever existed." Jo opened her mouth, but he held his hand up to stop her.
"I took your abuse for a long time. Dished out my own. I turned into the worthless, piece of shit, hardly-a-man that you constantly told me I was. It wasn't even a matter of feeling I didn't deserve more, but not feeling like I deserved anything. I let you turn me into...someone I never-...no. I turned myself into someone I never want to be again. I hurt people and I really regret that. I can even regret any hurt I caused you. I regret it and I'm sorry. I don't expect you'll ever say the same, and even if I don't think you deserve my apology...I need to give it for me. Because...I need to be done with you. I am done with you, Jo. I'll keep up with the settlement you bullied out of me, but when the time comes for that to end? You'll never hear from me again. I demand the same of you."
Noah stood up at that, not really interested in saying anything more to her or hearing anything she had to say. He tossed down some money for their coffee. Sure she was already bleeding him, but he didn't give a fuck. He just wanted to walk away. So he did. He walked for the door and walked out. He was just a few feet away when she called his name from behind. He turned and stood still as he watched her walk closer.
Her ice-cold eyes were duller, cloudier than usual. Her usual self composed, straight standing composure was gone. She stood in front of him, arms crossed over her chest as she searched his eyes. He waited. For an apology, for her reasoning, for anything. He waited for a couple minutes and was about to give up, when she finally spoke.
"You look good, Noah," she said softly, before turning and walking away. He watched after her in amazement. Everything he had said and that was the best she could come up with. He shrugged. He honestly didn't want to care anymore. True, it hadn't been much. In most peoples books it hadn't been anything. But...it was the best she could do. Which just made him feel sorry for her. Another first in a very long time. He didn't feel sorry for himself after seeing her, he only felt sorry for her. And the very sad life she led.
***
The next day, after another seven hour drive, Noah sat with his mother and stepfather in their living room. They hadn't had a real conversation yet, as they had turned down his request to visit him at the rehab center. His mother watched him while holding her husband's hands.
"I'm glad you came to visit, honey," his mother said.
Richard nodded. "You look well, son."
Noah didn't flinch at being called son. In fact, he believed the words his stepfather spoke. "Thanks," he nodded. He watched his hands for a long time before looking at them again. "I know things have never been easy between the three of us, and I'm sorry for my part in that. I know I've never made things easy. I'm...I'm really trying. I just...hope I can make it. Make you both...proud of me."
His mothers face fell and she sighed. "Noah. Honey. You...you always make me proud."
Noah shook his head. "You don't have to lie, Mom. I know I've let the family down, and embarrassed you. I know I could have done a lot better with my life, and-"
"Stop it, Noah," Richard said gruffly. Both Noah and his mother turned to the man, fearing what would be said. Richard fell silent for a moment, then leaned over his knees a bit. "You've been through a lot, and maybe you haven't always handled it the right way...but we..I wasn't really there for you like I should have been. I didn't make any of it easier."
His mother gave a shaking smile as she nodded. "We've both...made mistakes," she agreed. "But we love you. We're always going to love you, no matter what. I'm sorry if I haven't said that before, or given you reason to believe it."
Noah watched them. He had so many questions. Why they couldn't have come to see him in rehab? Why they still blamed Jenny's incident on him? Why-. No, he couldn't bother with the whys right then. Not when things were good in that moment. He had to be a grown man and take the moment as it was. He nodded. "Guess...we've all got some blame."
"Seems so," Richard said quietly with a nod. His mother nodded as well.
***
While both confrontations had been good for him, the best moment came when he was at the airport. Jenny and Lexie were there, offering him hugs and kisses. He told Lexie how much he loved her, then moved to Jenny. His hand covered her cheek. They had struggled through a difficult conversation of the past when she visited him at rehab. It had been emotional, and she hadn't talked much, but they had gotten through it. Now he just smiled softly to her.
"I love you, Jenny Bean."
"Love you too, big brother."
"Do me a favor?"
"What?"
"Talk to someone? Really talk to someone? I don't...I don't want you burying the past anymore. The last thing I want is for you to ever feel the way I have over the years."
Jenny's eyes shot down and she studied her feet. "I'll think about it," she said softly. He pulled her face up so she would look at him again.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry I let you down."
"Oh Noah," she sighed. "Stop...stop apologizing. Please. Stop holding the blame."
"I'm working on that," he nodded. "I just...needed to tell you once more."
"Okay." Jenny nodded and squeezed his hand. "Just promise me you'll never say it again?"
He laughed lightly. "Cross my heart." He pulled her into his arms and pulled Lexie in as well. He hugged his younger sisters tightly, kissing the tops of their heads. "You two have been the reason," he murmured. "You've always been the reason for me to keep going."
They traded goodbyes and love yous once more, before he walked away to head home. Home. Whatever had or hadn't happened there, it was home for him now. And he was ready to go back. Good or bad, it was home.
Nothing was fixed completely. Noah still had so much to work on, so far to go to find his happiness. To find contentment. Find himself. He wasn't even sure if he would make it, but so far...he had made it. Sober for eight months. It left him curious what he could do to make the ninth month count for that much more.
Turn yourself around//Turn yourself around//Turn it upside down//Turn yourself around
2175
(lyrics by Thin Lizzy)