[RP] Just Breathe
(Co-written with doc_shea)
Noah sat in one of the small cubicles that served as their phone booths. He picked up the receiver and held it to his ear for a long time, then hung it up. He had been doing the same thing for days, always giving up and going back to his room instead. His fingers tapped lightly to the small table in front of himself and he sighed.
Six weeks. Six weeks he had been in rehab and six weeks since he had seen Michaela. He did miss her. Especially lately. They were making him talk about more recent issues, and one of those was Michaela Shea and the way he treated her. He had been told to write her a letter, which he did, but it didn't mean he had any clue what to say to her out loud. It didn't mean he actually wanted to send her the letter.
His doctors were pressing him to bring those closest to him in to talk. He needed to invite his family up, but it was too hard still. He needed to start somewhere else. And that starting place was him picking up the receiver again and slowly dialing Michaela's cell phone number. His eyes closed tightly as it rang, the sound echoing around him ten times louder than it actually was.
Michaela was sitting at home on her couch watching TV when the phone rang. She groped blindly for a moment, before flipping it open and placing the phone to her ear. "Hello?"
His breath eased out slowly at the sound of her voice. "Hey," he said softly. "..hi. It's Noah....err...Noah Spencer."
"Noah," she said, straightening slightly, surprised. "Hi. It's, uh -- it's good to hear from you."
His head fell to rest in his palm and he sighed. "Sure about that?"
"Yeah, I am," she said with a nod. "We've all been thinking about you."
He went quiet for awhile, thinking his words over carefully before speaking. "I miss you, Michaela."
She looked down at her lap as he said that, running a hand through her hair. She didn't know how to respond. Because she did miss him. "We all miss you too."
He opened his eyes and stared at a mark on the wall. "...you keep saying we," he said quietly.
"Well, we is a little easier right now, Noah," she replied, leaning back against the couch.
He let thank sink in for a long time, before finally speaking up again. "I'm sorry, Mic." His voice was quiet, quiet enough that he would worry she couldn't hear him...if he could actually think about anything else. "I'm so sorry. I...I'm shit-I.." he stopped, remembering that he wasn't supposed to self-loathe. "I don't even know how to...say how sorry I am.."
"Noah -- I know you're sorry," she said softly. "You've said it many times. But sorry doesn't automatically make things better."
"I know...I know that it doesn't and I haven't earned another shot, but...just don't give up on me yet, sweetheart. Please...I want to make things better."
Michaela licked her lips slightly, before running a hand over her face. "We'll talk about this when you get out. Just -- worry about getting better, okay?"
"I can't...I can't just leave this all up in the air. I want us to talk. I want...I want you to come visit." His eyes closed again, his breath coming to a stop as he waited for her to speak.
"Noah, I don't know if that's such a good idea," she said slowly.
"I know...I...I'm just asking you to come up for a visitor's day...sit with me somewhere public...I...have this letter I was supposed to write to you...I'd just rather give it to you in person."
She paused again, wondering what exactly she was supposed to say. "Can't it wait till you come home?" He went quiet, his hand shakily pushing through his hair. Michaela listened to his silence for a moment, before closing her eyes. "I just -- don't think it's a good idea, Noah. It might be better if we wait."
"I can't wait," he murmured. "I need to see you, or...at least talk about things."
"When is the visitor's day?" she said softly.
"Every Saturday. Eleven to six."
"I'll see what I can do."
He sighed, relaxing slightly. He was learning just how needy and clingy he was, but he still hadn't figured out exactly how to...stop. "Did I mention I miss you?"
"Yes, Noah," she said with a nod. "You did."
"Are you okay with that?"
Now she was confused. "What do you mean?"
"Nothing, really...just..." he chuckled at how stupid it sounded. "Asking permission to miss you...I guess."
"You don't need my permission to miss me, Noah," she frowned. "It's not like you can control that."
"Maybe not, but...I'd like you to like that I miss you. Not think I'm a crazy fuck for it."
"I can't -- say I like it," she said slowly. "But I don't think you're crazy."
"Oh," he said slowly and quietly.
"Noah -- with the way things ended -- I tried my best to make a clean break. We needed to get on our own two feet."
"You...you want a clean break?" He bit his lip, hard.
"It was what we needed at the time," she replied. "And those are always easiest for everyone."
"At the time...sure, but...I mean...is this you saying there's no chance...that we can't one day.."
"I don't know," Michaela sighed, burying her face in her hands. "I'm just trying to get through my days, Noah, I'm not thinking about what I may be doing somewhere down the line."
"And...is there nothing inside of you that...that might want it? If we could figure it out?"
"Maybe," she said with a sigh. "Maybe, but -- you shouldn't be thinking about me, Noah. You should be worrying about yourself."
"I just...want you...as a piece of it all. I want...you to want me there."
"Well -- I don't know what I want right now, Noah, alright? I haven't exactly been thinking about it."
He closed his eyes and dropped his head against slowly rub his eyelids. "Right," he whispered, almost to himself.
"Look. What I want doesn't matter. You need to worry about you -- not me."
"Maybe it matters to me."
"Well, I don't have an answer for you right now."
His fingers tightened to a fist against his face. There were questions running through his head that he'd been wanting to scream, but that he'd never been able to get out. "Why'd you bother...trying...if you never wanted me?" He let out in a pained whisper.
"Just because I don't have an answer doesn't mean I never wanted you, Noah," she said with a slight growl to her voice. "I did want you. I thought we could have had something good. But you hurt me. Whether or not you did it intentionally, you did, and I'm going to need some time to figure out if I want that chance in my life again. Trust doesn't come as easily as want does."
"Every time...we were together...it never felt like you wanted to be there," he whispered. "Didn't feel like...you wanted to be with me."
"I did, Noah. But you didn't exactly make it easy."
"You...always left...so quick. Like...you didn't want to be alone with me."
"I didn't want things to move too quickly."
"I just wanted you around. I like...you being around. I like you. A lot."
"I like you, too, Noah. But things just aren't that simple."
"Why can't they be? This one time?"
"Because things are never that simple, Noah."
"I know," he sighed. "I wish they could be. I wish...I could just snap my fingers and be...better."
"That would make things too easy," she said with a sigh. "Life's never easy."
"I know," he nodded. "It's...hard. Life is hard," he said slowly.
"Yeah," she said with a nod.
He sighed and went quiet for a moment. "Tell me something about you," he said.
"What?" she frowned, not understanding what he meant.
"I don't know. Anything. I just...want to talk to you."
"Noah, I -- I can't really do this right now."
"Oh...okay," he said quietly.
"I'll see about coming up for a visitor's day."
"Can...can I call you again? Maybe in a few days?"
She paused for a moment, running a hand over her face before nodding. "Sure."
He actually smiled at this. "Okay. Okay, good. I...I'll look forward to it."
"Okay," she said with a nod.
"Tell the others hi for me? That I miss them? Even Greyson."
"I will," she nodded.
"I'll talk to you soon, Michaela."
"Talk to you soon, Noah."
Noah waited until he heard her hang up, before placing the phone back on the hook and letting out a long sigh. He hadn't expected that to be easy, but he also hadn't how much it'd hurt. But he had hope, and that's what got him out of the booth smiling.
Noah sat in one of the small cubicles that served as their phone booths. He picked up the receiver and held it to his ear for a long time, then hung it up. He had been doing the same thing for days, always giving up and going back to his room instead. His fingers tapped lightly to the small table in front of himself and he sighed.
Six weeks. Six weeks he had been in rehab and six weeks since he had seen Michaela. He did miss her. Especially lately. They were making him talk about more recent issues, and one of those was Michaela Shea and the way he treated her. He had been told to write her a letter, which he did, but it didn't mean he had any clue what to say to her out loud. It didn't mean he actually wanted to send her the letter.
His doctors were pressing him to bring those closest to him in to talk. He needed to invite his family up, but it was too hard still. He needed to start somewhere else. And that starting place was him picking up the receiver again and slowly dialing Michaela's cell phone number. His eyes closed tightly as it rang, the sound echoing around him ten times louder than it actually was.
Michaela was sitting at home on her couch watching TV when the phone rang. She groped blindly for a moment, before flipping it open and placing the phone to her ear. "Hello?"
His breath eased out slowly at the sound of her voice. "Hey," he said softly. "..hi. It's Noah....err...Noah Spencer."
"Noah," she said, straightening slightly, surprised. "Hi. It's, uh -- it's good to hear from you."
His head fell to rest in his palm and he sighed. "Sure about that?"
"Yeah, I am," she said with a nod. "We've all been thinking about you."
He went quiet for awhile, thinking his words over carefully before speaking. "I miss you, Michaela."
She looked down at her lap as he said that, running a hand through her hair. She didn't know how to respond. Because she did miss him. "We all miss you too."
He opened his eyes and stared at a mark on the wall. "...you keep saying we," he said quietly.
"Well, we is a little easier right now, Noah," she replied, leaning back against the couch.
He let thank sink in for a long time, before finally speaking up again. "I'm sorry, Mic." His voice was quiet, quiet enough that he would worry she couldn't hear him...if he could actually think about anything else. "I'm so sorry. I...I'm shit-I.." he stopped, remembering that he wasn't supposed to self-loathe. "I don't even know how to...say how sorry I am.."
"Noah -- I know you're sorry," she said softly. "You've said it many times. But sorry doesn't automatically make things better."
"I know...I know that it doesn't and I haven't earned another shot, but...just don't give up on me yet, sweetheart. Please...I want to make things better."
Michaela licked her lips slightly, before running a hand over her face. "We'll talk about this when you get out. Just -- worry about getting better, okay?"
"I can't...I can't just leave this all up in the air. I want us to talk. I want...I want you to come visit." His eyes closed again, his breath coming to a stop as he waited for her to speak.
"Noah, I don't know if that's such a good idea," she said slowly.
"I know...I...I'm just asking you to come up for a visitor's day...sit with me somewhere public...I...have this letter I was supposed to write to you...I'd just rather give it to you in person."
She paused again, wondering what exactly she was supposed to say. "Can't it wait till you come home?" He went quiet, his hand shakily pushing through his hair. Michaela listened to his silence for a moment, before closing her eyes. "I just -- don't think it's a good idea, Noah. It might be better if we wait."
"I can't wait," he murmured. "I need to see you, or...at least talk about things."
"When is the visitor's day?" she said softly.
"Every Saturday. Eleven to six."
"I'll see what I can do."
He sighed, relaxing slightly. He was learning just how needy and clingy he was, but he still hadn't figured out exactly how to...stop. "Did I mention I miss you?"
"Yes, Noah," she said with a nod. "You did."
"Are you okay with that?"
Now she was confused. "What do you mean?"
"Nothing, really...just..." he chuckled at how stupid it sounded. "Asking permission to miss you...I guess."
"You don't need my permission to miss me, Noah," she frowned. "It's not like you can control that."
"Maybe not, but...I'd like you to like that I miss you. Not think I'm a crazy fuck for it."
"I can't -- say I like it," she said slowly. "But I don't think you're crazy."
"Oh," he said slowly and quietly.
"Noah -- with the way things ended -- I tried my best to make a clean break. We needed to get on our own two feet."
"You...you want a clean break?" He bit his lip, hard.
"It was what we needed at the time," she replied. "And those are always easiest for everyone."
"At the time...sure, but...I mean...is this you saying there's no chance...that we can't one day.."
"I don't know," Michaela sighed, burying her face in her hands. "I'm just trying to get through my days, Noah, I'm not thinking about what I may be doing somewhere down the line."
"And...is there nothing inside of you that...that might want it? If we could figure it out?"
"Maybe," she said with a sigh. "Maybe, but -- you shouldn't be thinking about me, Noah. You should be worrying about yourself."
"I just...want you...as a piece of it all. I want...you to want me there."
"Well -- I don't know what I want right now, Noah, alright? I haven't exactly been thinking about it."
He closed his eyes and dropped his head against slowly rub his eyelids. "Right," he whispered, almost to himself.
"Look. What I want doesn't matter. You need to worry about you -- not me."
"Maybe it matters to me."
"Well, I don't have an answer for you right now."
His fingers tightened to a fist against his face. There were questions running through his head that he'd been wanting to scream, but that he'd never been able to get out. "Why'd you bother...trying...if you never wanted me?" He let out in a pained whisper.
"Just because I don't have an answer doesn't mean I never wanted you, Noah," she said with a slight growl to her voice. "I did want you. I thought we could have had something good. But you hurt me. Whether or not you did it intentionally, you did, and I'm going to need some time to figure out if I want that chance in my life again. Trust doesn't come as easily as want does."
"Every time...we were together...it never felt like you wanted to be there," he whispered. "Didn't feel like...you wanted to be with me."
"I did, Noah. But you didn't exactly make it easy."
"You...always left...so quick. Like...you didn't want to be alone with me."
"I didn't want things to move too quickly."
"I just wanted you around. I like...you being around. I like you. A lot."
"I like you, too, Noah. But things just aren't that simple."
"Why can't they be? This one time?"
"Because things are never that simple, Noah."
"I know," he sighed. "I wish they could be. I wish...I could just snap my fingers and be...better."
"That would make things too easy," she said with a sigh. "Life's never easy."
"I know," he nodded. "It's...hard. Life is hard," he said slowly.
"Yeah," she said with a nod.
He sighed and went quiet for a moment. "Tell me something about you," he said.
"What?" she frowned, not understanding what he meant.
"I don't know. Anything. I just...want to talk to you."
"Noah, I -- I can't really do this right now."
"Oh...okay," he said quietly.
"I'll see about coming up for a visitor's day."
"Can...can I call you again? Maybe in a few days?"
She paused for a moment, running a hand over her face before nodding. "Sure."
He actually smiled at this. "Okay. Okay, good. I...I'll look forward to it."
"Okay," she said with a nod.
"Tell the others hi for me? That I miss them? Even Greyson."
"I will," she nodded.
"I'll talk to you soon, Michaela."
"Talk to you soon, Noah."
Noah waited until he heard her hang up, before placing the phone back on the hook and letting out a long sigh. He hadn't expected that to be easy, but he also hadn't how much it'd hurt. But he had hope, and that's what got him out of the booth smiling.