screw everything

[sexydeath]

ok so i started dating autumn on friday. the day before the depressing valentines day. well we went to a party and well i drank...DUH this is me. i then looked over while have been drunk and say matt my ex sitting on my present girlfriends lap. i flipped shit and was sooo pissed off i wanted to rip his fuckin head off. he knew i was dating her. well thats not my problem anymore. my problem is me. god i fuckin hate myself. i thought i had my interest figured out i really though i did. i have a huge problem. and i love autumn to death i really do and i don't wanna explain this in person or on the phone cause im better at writing so here it goes i guess. we started dating and i love her i truly do. but im kinda freaked out cause we have always joked about marriage and kids and adult kinda stuff. i know i am an adult now but its like im not happy. i am happy with her being happy. and she asked if i was sure well i said yes thinkin hey this is goin to make her happy. but how do you tell your girl you aren't sexually attracted to her. thats why i hate myself. i hear she had sex with jake and justin and other people she has been in relationships with before. am i gay and didn't know it until i got into a relationship with her im not sure. i know i love her on a mental and emotional basis but not sexual. and it seems like a relationship is sorta well all three of them together. i kiss her and its like kissing well a friend. and i feel that she should have that she should have someone in which she can have the physical part too. so basically i don't feel good enough for her. and the fact im questioning what i really am as of being BI or GAY so its like ugh....what am i suppose to do? i don't know and i wish someone would just tell me cause i need to know cause im goin insane. i didn't tell her this last night cause it was valentines day and i didn't want her to hate it cause of me. see now i still feel bad. god see every sec i hate myself more and more.

is it ok to feel this way and continue a relationship. will it destroy me? will it destroy her? what if this feeling stays the same? what if i end up gay? would i dissappoint eevryone? would everyone hate me for all i have done to autmn? should i have started this relationship to begin with? am i at fault? can i die now? will autumn hate me? will she get over me? will she move away like she said? will i be devastated for hurting her? will she make up rumors about me? will she tell people that im gay when i don't even know? will she forgive me for all i have said and done? will she want to end this now?

all these questions and so much more run through my head right now and i don't know what to do about it cause im lost and confused. i don't want her to hate me but she NEEDS to know i question everything about myself anymore.

im sorry i can't be perfect...and im sorry i can't be who you want me to be

to end this on a humorus note ever think of this

the abbr. for VALENTINES DAY is V.D. and V.D.= vanerial diseases...god can't spell now eyes way to filled with tears

~~~~~~sorry~~~~~~