I'm borrowing someone's computer and typing something I'll regret later
Last night was Bunny Trixie night at the Nuart. This is the first year I've been partially in charge of it so I was doubly stressed about it. Which is silly, because 90% of the girls are beautiful and if you get to see them make out and show their boobs, that's more than enough to please an audience. Even though I weigh the most I've ever weighed during a Bunny Trixie, I kind of felt pretty because the new makeup girls did an awesome job on my leathahface. Probably because of the stress, this is the first year I got completely trashed. This was bad, because I made a huge idiot out of myself numerous times. Every time I think back and remember something else I did last night, I want to hide.
However, I did have a good time. That is, until the end of the night when I saw something really unpleasant happen, things kind of fell apart and I ended up feeling like I had nobody to turn to. I attempted to drive but wasn't able to get more than a couple of blocks because I couldn't see through the alcohol haze and the tears. I did call one person, which is something I never do when I'm that upset. I'm embarrassed that I called and bothered her at 3 or 4 in the morning, but turning to friends is a good habit to start. Hurting as badly as I do and not reaching out is a recipe for batshit crazy.
I'm not really ashamed to let people know I'm nuts. I'm manic-depressive, bipolar. I don't have a shrink and I do not take antidepressants, because when I'm on them I self-harm. This has been a really bad time for me lately. Every couple of weeks I have a meltdown, spend half a day crying and literally wish I was dead. I spend about three nights a week away from home nowadays. I've completely lost the ability to be social and make friends. Tonight at a social gathering a couple of people gave me compliments or said nice things to me and I was completely mortified and had no response. I feel like I don't belong no matter where I am. Wah wah wah.
I have one close friend that I can talk to about anything...thank god. The times when I feel like I want to die are times when I fight with that close friend and feel as if I have nobody else to talk to and trust. I've mentioned this about a zillion times before but I wish I had more close friends. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what is wrong with me that keeps people from wanting to be close to me. What did I do to make people not like me? Why don't people want to talk to me? I'm not just throwing these questions out there. I genuinely want to know. Will you tell me why you don't like me? Will you tell me what I can do to try to mend it? Or is it hopeless?
I really don't want answers like "But I do like you." I appreciate that, but I want to know what it is about me that makes you have no interest in being my friend. Like a real, hang out and talk friend, not just a "wave and say hi" friend. I feel like I'm shit and if I could just have some sort of support network...I mean, I'm not asking people to listen to me cry. It'd be nice to know that people are there, though. It would be really nice, too, to start having fun again.
I am screening comments (LiveJournal only; this posts to Facebook too) and I hope you are honest...I can take it.
However, I did have a good time. That is, until the end of the night when I saw something really unpleasant happen, things kind of fell apart and I ended up feeling like I had nobody to turn to. I attempted to drive but wasn't able to get more than a couple of blocks because I couldn't see through the alcohol haze and the tears. I did call one person, which is something I never do when I'm that upset. I'm embarrassed that I called and bothered her at 3 or 4 in the morning, but turning to friends is a good habit to start. Hurting as badly as I do and not reaching out is a recipe for batshit crazy.
I'm not really ashamed to let people know I'm nuts. I'm manic-depressive, bipolar. I don't have a shrink and I do not take antidepressants, because when I'm on them I self-harm. This has been a really bad time for me lately. Every couple of weeks I have a meltdown, spend half a day crying and literally wish I was dead. I spend about three nights a week away from home nowadays. I've completely lost the ability to be social and make friends. Tonight at a social gathering a couple of people gave me compliments or said nice things to me and I was completely mortified and had no response. I feel like I don't belong no matter where I am. Wah wah wah.
I have one close friend that I can talk to about anything...thank god. The times when I feel like I want to die are times when I fight with that close friend and feel as if I have nobody else to talk to and trust. I've mentioned this about a zillion times before but I wish I had more close friends. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what is wrong with me that keeps people from wanting to be close to me. What did I do to make people not like me? Why don't people want to talk to me? I'm not just throwing these questions out there. I genuinely want to know. Will you tell me why you don't like me? Will you tell me what I can do to try to mend it? Or is it hopeless?
I really don't want answers like "But I do like you." I appreciate that, but I want to know what it is about me that makes you have no interest in being my friend. Like a real, hang out and talk friend, not just a "wave and say hi" friend. I feel like I'm shit and if I could just have some sort of support network...I mean, I'm not asking people to listen to me cry. It'd be nice to know that people are there, though. It would be really nice, too, to start having fun again.
I am screening comments (LiveJournal only; this posts to Facebook too) and I hope you are honest...I can take it.