Major venting...Read if you care.

[sexycancer37]

Um....I really don't know what to say. I had the weirdest, scariest dreams last night. I couldn't sleep that much. Then when I finally fell asleep my mom came in and told me it was past time to get up. So I came to school later. But whatever. I don't want to be here. I really don't. I want to talk to my therapist, as weird as that may sound. But it's true. I need to talk to her because she understands my problems. And she can help me. But I don't get to see her until next week. I don't know why I'm feeling like this, and I really want it to just go away. I'm extremely stressed out...Worried about my job...Worried about school...Worried about Christmas...Worried about Bill...I can't stop worrying. It's stressing me out. I've been thinking WAY too much...It's not good at all. I just don't understand how some things just never go away. They never end. They keep torturing you day after day and all you've known in life is how to feel pain. How to feel hurt. Is that living? How can you not just lose it all, how can you hold yourself together every day and every night? You really can't continue doing this...You really should get help...But that decision is yours. I'm excited for chrismas, but at the same time I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to break down and lose it all again...I'm trying to stay strong but I don't know how much longer I can do this. It's so hard. They sent me to the Center school again yesterday, so I still didn't get a chance to fill out/hand in my time sheet...Which means I might not get paid for a whole week...I would get paid today but of course everything is just so messed up. I hate working at the center school, I really do. I want to work at the preschool again...Because that's my job. That's what I applied for and that's what I was hired for. But apparently since I've applied there and have been hired, they can put me wherever the hell they want to...And since I'm the new one there, they send me everywhere. I hate it. It pisses me off beyond belief...I'm so behind in school...Still need to catch up with Christmas shopping...I need a day off, but that would screw up everything. I'm about to burst...I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm so ready to just say screw it and keep my bad grades. It's way too much work and stress for me to try and fix them. I'm even failing Chorus. What does that say? I have such a headache and I feel like I'm going to get sick...I just want it to end...I'm hanging on by the tiniest little string...and it's most likely going to break soon. So now what? What do I do to get rid of all this pain? I want it to be over. Everything. I just don't care anymore. I need this to stop. Immediately. I need to get away, but I have nowhere to go. And if I ran away, I'd need to explain myself to everybody when I returned. I'm stuck in this unfamiliar place...I'm trapped in this huge hole while everybody else continues to live without me. The world is passing me by so quickly it makes me dizzy. I'm still where I was 3 years ago. I just can't bring myself to get out of this. I wish I was different...In a different environment...Away from all of this shit...

<3
-Becka