(no subject)
I have hit another road block. I need to write. So here I go.
I am depressed.
Clinically.
And that sucks.
The past month or so has been hell for myself. Nothing seems to go right.
School sucks hardcore. I have been in school for maybe a month and I'm already falling behind. I want to give up so badly but I cant. I have atleast 3 papers to write for english, but i cant seem to do it. I dont know what it is. Its like my brain cant function. I know i'm not the strongest writer in the world. but its not even that. I just cant think. at all. Even trying to write this out is difficult. I dont think its because of my medication though because if i take it, i feel the same way as i do if i dont. I dont know anymore.. I need help. But i dont know who to go to. I cant go to my mom, cuz then she'll flip out and get all mad and stuff and yell at me and then hassle me about everything. Where that would be awesome a couple years ago, i want to do it on my own now.
As for work... Oh my, i hate it there so much. All of my managers are such tools. And the ones i like are leaving or have already left. Especially my new manager. I swear, everytime he talks to me, has something bad to say. He makes me feel so retarded and so small. He treats me like the other employes who dont work and dont care about working there, where i am the total opposite. I want to do good, i want the place to look decent and organized when i leave and what not. But it doesnt seem to matter. I feel like i dont get paid enough for the amount of work i do. and i dont get praised for it either. Or atleast i dont anymore. But whatever. I need to leave, but dont want to find a different job, but need to because i need to move out and there is no way i can support myself from how much i am getting paid there. All i know is that i am not happy there. I leave work wanting to cry or hit something, and in my mind, thats not a good thing.
I want to move out. I cant stand my mother any longer. she still treats me like i am 14 yrs old. Wants me home at 1:00 and wants me home during the week when all i ever do while being out during the week is study or go to work. Or go to aarc. its not like i'm going out to party or do something retarded. I have so many feeling toward her that i dont even knwo where to begin, literally. She just makes me so angry sometimes. She doesnt believe me that i actually DO study when I go out with Elayne. Which is a total piss off because I have always been truthful towards her. I meean, I tell her everything. Or atleast everything that i think is important. One of the reasons why she want me home is because she wants to keep 'tabs' on me and know what i am doing and what i am thinking and so on. What she doesnt realize is that if i have something i need to say to her, i will. Except for school... Cant discuss that one with her. *sigh*
And then theres the situation that hurts the most that wont go away.
Brit. What she has done to me hurt so much. And its kind of funny because last night our rap topic for aarc was "is there a situation where you have overreacted and wished you could change how you reacted because you didnt like the outcome? " (something along those lines...) And that made me think of SO many situations, but the main one is the whole Brit, Amela, and Heather situation. Its not so much that I overreacted, but jsut the way i reacted. And how its sucks because my reaction to that altered the result because of all my previous reactions. if that makes sense at all...
No matter how many times i tell myself, or others tell me that i have to let it go, i cant. I cant let go of the fact that i did something or didnt do anything. Just the fact that they hate me. When i did nothing wrong. I dont care as much with Heather because i never REALLY trusted her. But with Amela and especially Brit. I dont know, I thought Amela was totally different that she actually is. She's one of those people who 'dont practice what they preach'. She totally played me into thinking that she cared about me. As for Brit... She hurt me. I have to realize that and move on. And it really sucks because I thought i was careful enough not to allow someone to affect me that much or get that close to someone because i should know from past experiences that i always get screwed over. I think the part that hurts the most is that in every situation, i feel like i didnt do anything wrong. That i tried soo hard to do everything right and be the best person i could be. Even with Alex, it was the same thing. I mena, I didnt cheat on him. Nore did i think about cheating on him and yet, he slashes my tires and but yucky stuff all over it every monday and wednesday. And then I have Brit spit on my car while trying to study... That hurts so much. I cant even describe why it hurts.. Not even to myself. All i knwo is that it does. and i shoudnt let it. but it does and i hate that. Now i feel as though i cant let anybody in because they all betray you one way or another. And now i dont know if being nice is the best thing either. It always seems to get me into trouble. I guess I just wish i could run away and start over. If i had the money i think i would. Because the way things seem to go, i dont get away from past incidents. Always end up running into them or having to go through the feelings all over again. And i'm sick and tired of doing that. I dont want to think about it anymore, i want it out of my system but i dont know how. God, i hate this so much i want to scream!
I'm done... I cant write anymore.
I am depressed.
Clinically.
And that sucks.
The past month or so has been hell for myself. Nothing seems to go right.
School sucks hardcore. I have been in school for maybe a month and I'm already falling behind. I want to give up so badly but I cant. I have atleast 3 papers to write for english, but i cant seem to do it. I dont know what it is. Its like my brain cant function. I know i'm not the strongest writer in the world. but its not even that. I just cant think. at all. Even trying to write this out is difficult. I dont think its because of my medication though because if i take it, i feel the same way as i do if i dont. I dont know anymore.. I need help. But i dont know who to go to. I cant go to my mom, cuz then she'll flip out and get all mad and stuff and yell at me and then hassle me about everything. Where that would be awesome a couple years ago, i want to do it on my own now.
As for work... Oh my, i hate it there so much. All of my managers are such tools. And the ones i like are leaving or have already left. Especially my new manager. I swear, everytime he talks to me, has something bad to say. He makes me feel so retarded and so small. He treats me like the other employes who dont work and dont care about working there, where i am the total opposite. I want to do good, i want the place to look decent and organized when i leave and what not. But it doesnt seem to matter. I feel like i dont get paid enough for the amount of work i do. and i dont get praised for it either. Or atleast i dont anymore. But whatever. I need to leave, but dont want to find a different job, but need to because i need to move out and there is no way i can support myself from how much i am getting paid there. All i know is that i am not happy there. I leave work wanting to cry or hit something, and in my mind, thats not a good thing.
I want to move out. I cant stand my mother any longer. she still treats me like i am 14 yrs old. Wants me home at 1:00 and wants me home during the week when all i ever do while being out during the week is study or go to work. Or go to aarc. its not like i'm going out to party or do something retarded. I have so many feeling toward her that i dont even knwo where to begin, literally. She just makes me so angry sometimes. She doesnt believe me that i actually DO study when I go out with Elayne. Which is a total piss off because I have always been truthful towards her. I meean, I tell her everything. Or atleast everything that i think is important. One of the reasons why she want me home is because she wants to keep 'tabs' on me and know what i am doing and what i am thinking and so on. What she doesnt realize is that if i have something i need to say to her, i will. Except for school... Cant discuss that one with her. *sigh*
And then theres the situation that hurts the most that wont go away.
Brit. What she has done to me hurt so much. And its kind of funny because last night our rap topic for aarc was "is there a situation where you have overreacted and wished you could change how you reacted because you didnt like the outcome? " (something along those lines...) And that made me think of SO many situations, but the main one is the whole Brit, Amela, and Heather situation. Its not so much that I overreacted, but jsut the way i reacted. And how its sucks because my reaction to that altered the result because of all my previous reactions. if that makes sense at all...
No matter how many times i tell myself, or others tell me that i have to let it go, i cant. I cant let go of the fact that i did something or didnt do anything. Just the fact that they hate me. When i did nothing wrong. I dont care as much with Heather because i never REALLY trusted her. But with Amela and especially Brit. I dont know, I thought Amela was totally different that she actually is. She's one of those people who 'dont practice what they preach'. She totally played me into thinking that she cared about me. As for Brit... She hurt me. I have to realize that and move on. And it really sucks because I thought i was careful enough not to allow someone to affect me that much or get that close to someone because i should know from past experiences that i always get screwed over. I think the part that hurts the most is that in every situation, i feel like i didnt do anything wrong. That i tried soo hard to do everything right and be the best person i could be. Even with Alex, it was the same thing. I mena, I didnt cheat on him. Nore did i think about cheating on him and yet, he slashes my tires and but yucky stuff all over it every monday and wednesday. And then I have Brit spit on my car while trying to study... That hurts so much. I cant even describe why it hurts.. Not even to myself. All i knwo is that it does. and i shoudnt let it. but it does and i hate that. Now i feel as though i cant let anybody in because they all betray you one way or another. And now i dont know if being nice is the best thing either. It always seems to get me into trouble. I guess I just wish i could run away and start over. If i had the money i think i would. Because the way things seem to go, i dont get away from past incidents. Always end up running into them or having to go through the feelings all over again. And i'm sick and tired of doing that. I dont want to think about it anymore, i want it out of my system but i dont know how. God, i hate this so much i want to scream!
I'm done... I cant write anymore.