When It Rains It Pours
I feel like a giant container of Morton Salt right now. When the shit begins to fall, it doesn't just rain, it pours.
Last time I posted (in a friends-only format), I commented about my situation with my roommates: they found a nice place to live but in order for them to get the place, they need to move in the next month. I, however, wasn't planning to leave Portland until August, and unless I can find a new place to live for the next three months, I may have to move back to California earlier than intended.
I talked to my friends at the coffee shop, and they were like, "Maybe you could move in with [this girl] Andrea!" Maybe. Plus, people at Macadam's always know someone who is looking for a roommate. So I do have options. The suckiest part is feeling distance from my best friends.
Anyway, I was sad, but little did I know things were about to get worse. The Ex, Nolan, had started text messaging me. After three months of literally no communication, he wants to check in. Well, I had changed my MySpace page to private so he couldn't see it, and I deleted him from my friends so I wouldn't be tempted to keep tabs on him. After he tried to contact me, I looked at his MySpace page (BAD Liesl!) a few times, and noticed yesterday that he went from "Single" to "In A Relationship." I asked him about it, and he basically said yes.
Having an ex move on is one thing, but it gets worse. I'm pretty sure his new girlfriend is the one he kissed while he was supposed to be in a long-distance relationship with me. The one he kissed, and as soon as it happened, I knew something was up. The one he kissed, and then said, "I can't be in a relationship with you any more." They've known each other for a really long time, and I just know in my heart of hearts that they're going to get engaged. Call me crazy, but I prefer intuitive.
(Roommate + Ex)*situation = SadLiesl^2
So I send this guy I've been seeing (from Georgia) a message that says I *might* need to do a little more drinking tonight (I went over to his house and got drunk with him the night before because I was sad about roommates), and I didn't hear back. I called him about 11:30 and left a message that said, Hey! Haven't heard from you, but I'd like to come over, So call me if that's not okay...? See you in a bit!
Well, since I didn't hear from him, I went over, and he was getting drunk with kids from his culinary program. Fine. When he gave me a "Oh! You're here..."-look, I said "I called you!" He looked at his phone and said, "Yes you did." Hung out with everyone for a while, and then one by one they started to leave. When it was him, me, this girl that a few of the boys think is hot shit, and this other guy who was making motions to leave, I looked over at him. I said, with reference to the other girl who was "sleeping" on his chair, wrapped in one of his blankets, "Should I go home?"
"No!" he replied.
Uh Huh.
About two minutes after the last guy left, he starts talking (he's drunk, mind you). To paraphrase:
"Well, here's the deal. I just want to be honest about this. Both of you have slept in that bed in there, or whatever, so this might be a little weird but..."
WHAT THE FUCK?!
So apparently he's been sleeping with her. His classmate, and the girl several boys have been fighting over. I look over, and she doesn't look like she's going to move any time soon.
What the fuck.
I go over to his house to avoid the horrible icky feeling I get when I go home and I am slapped in the face with a big ole side of Icky Feeling.
I said, "I'm going to make this REAL easy on you," and I gathered my belongings from his apartment, looked directly at him and said "I will NOT be played," and slammed the door on my way out. Just as I got home, I started to send him a text about what utter bullshit had just transpired after I'd already had a BULLSHIT couple days (which I told him about when he went to go smoke a cigarette earlier that evening), but he beat me to it. He apologized and said that they'd never had sex, that he has too much respect for me to do something like that.
I am heartbroken. I couldn't sleep last night. All I wanted to do was cuddle with him in his bed and not feel so damn lonely, and all I ended up feeling was like the loneliest, ugliest person in the whole world.
I am so done with relationships right now. I am tired of compromising happiness for the sake of intimacy. I was getting better about it (the couple guys who haven't been 100% awesome to me in recent dating history were dropped like bad habits). But here, my casual fuck-buddy has been casually allowing other girls to sleep in his bed. He's not my boyfriend, so I can't really expect monogamy, and he is leaving in three weeks, so he's probably going to try and get what he can when he can, but COME ON.
Insult to injury.
Like salt pouring in an open wound.
when my friend Lauren met her boyfriend Sean, she drunkenly told him, "I am too cool and important to have my time wasted. Don't waste my time." And because she seriously meant it, he took her seriously. When she told me she said this, I was dating Georgia and had seen the brewer from Yale a few times but he was hard core flaking out. All I could think at that point is "I agree with you completely, even if I am compromising my happiness in dating the boys I am."
But now I'm ready. I AM too cool and important to have my time wasted. I am beautiful and cool and hilarious and smart and empathetic, and all-around fucking AWESOME. I am also a little messy, and maybe too sensitive, and sometimes I anger easily, but I am a damn catch.
I compromised my happiness with the Georgia boy wherein I chose to allow it to be cool for us to go a full week without talking all for that one day of intimacy. I acknowledged he was leaving, but continued to spend time with him knowing the potential for a real relationship was nil all because I like cuddling and being intimate with him.
I am tired of not feeling like someone's number one. I deserve to be someone's number one, the one with whom they feel like they've won the lottery. I don't care if I have to go a year without intimacy, or five years, or ten. I don't deserve to have my time wasted by people who don't have my best interests in mind. The only real regret I can foresee about not being intimate with anyone for the next decade is that I will have let my sexual self languish while my body was in the nest shape of my life.
Fuck.
Life is fucked up.
I need a damn change of scenery.
Last time I posted (in a friends-only format), I commented about my situation with my roommates: they found a nice place to live but in order for them to get the place, they need to move in the next month. I, however, wasn't planning to leave Portland until August, and unless I can find a new place to live for the next three months, I may have to move back to California earlier than intended.
I talked to my friends at the coffee shop, and they were like, "Maybe you could move in with [this girl] Andrea!" Maybe. Plus, people at Macadam's always know someone who is looking for a roommate. So I do have options. The suckiest part is feeling distance from my best friends.
Anyway, I was sad, but little did I know things were about to get worse. The Ex, Nolan, had started text messaging me. After three months of literally no communication, he wants to check in. Well, I had changed my MySpace page to private so he couldn't see it, and I deleted him from my friends so I wouldn't be tempted to keep tabs on him. After he tried to contact me, I looked at his MySpace page (BAD Liesl!) a few times, and noticed yesterday that he went from "Single" to "In A Relationship." I asked him about it, and he basically said yes.
Having an ex move on is one thing, but it gets worse. I'm pretty sure his new girlfriend is the one he kissed while he was supposed to be in a long-distance relationship with me. The one he kissed, and as soon as it happened, I knew something was up. The one he kissed, and then said, "I can't be in a relationship with you any more." They've known each other for a really long time, and I just know in my heart of hearts that they're going to get engaged. Call me crazy, but I prefer intuitive.
(Roommate + Ex)*situation = SadLiesl^2
So I send this guy I've been seeing (from Georgia) a message that says I *might* need to do a little more drinking tonight (I went over to his house and got drunk with him the night before because I was sad about roommates), and I didn't hear back. I called him about 11:30 and left a message that said, Hey! Haven't heard from you, but I'd like to come over, So call me if that's not okay...? See you in a bit!
Well, since I didn't hear from him, I went over, and he was getting drunk with kids from his culinary program. Fine. When he gave me a "Oh! You're here..."-look, I said "I called you!" He looked at his phone and said, "Yes you did." Hung out with everyone for a while, and then one by one they started to leave. When it was him, me, this girl that a few of the boys think is hot shit, and this other guy who was making motions to leave, I looked over at him. I said, with reference to the other girl who was "sleeping" on his chair, wrapped in one of his blankets, "Should I go home?"
"No!" he replied.
Uh Huh.
About two minutes after the last guy left, he starts talking (he's drunk, mind you). To paraphrase:
"Well, here's the deal. I just want to be honest about this. Both of you have slept in that bed in there, or whatever, so this might be a little weird but..."
WHAT THE FUCK?!
So apparently he's been sleeping with her. His classmate, and the girl several boys have been fighting over. I look over, and she doesn't look like she's going to move any time soon.
What the fuck.
I go over to his house to avoid the horrible icky feeling I get when I go home and I am slapped in the face with a big ole side of Icky Feeling.
I said, "I'm going to make this REAL easy on you," and I gathered my belongings from his apartment, looked directly at him and said "I will NOT be played," and slammed the door on my way out. Just as I got home, I started to send him a text about what utter bullshit had just transpired after I'd already had a BULLSHIT couple days (which I told him about when he went to go smoke a cigarette earlier that evening), but he beat me to it. He apologized and said that they'd never had sex, that he has too much respect for me to do something like that.
I am heartbroken. I couldn't sleep last night. All I wanted to do was cuddle with him in his bed and not feel so damn lonely, and all I ended up feeling was like the loneliest, ugliest person in the whole world.
I am so done with relationships right now. I am tired of compromising happiness for the sake of intimacy. I was getting better about it (the couple guys who haven't been 100% awesome to me in recent dating history were dropped like bad habits). But here, my casual fuck-buddy has been casually allowing other girls to sleep in his bed. He's not my boyfriend, so I can't really expect monogamy, and he is leaving in three weeks, so he's probably going to try and get what he can when he can, but COME ON.
Insult to injury.
Like salt pouring in an open wound.
when my friend Lauren met her boyfriend Sean, she drunkenly told him, "I am too cool and important to have my time wasted. Don't waste my time." And because she seriously meant it, he took her seriously. When she told me she said this, I was dating Georgia and had seen the brewer from Yale a few times but he was hard core flaking out. All I could think at that point is "I agree with you completely, even if I am compromising my happiness in dating the boys I am."
But now I'm ready. I AM too cool and important to have my time wasted. I am beautiful and cool and hilarious and smart and empathetic, and all-around fucking AWESOME. I am also a little messy, and maybe too sensitive, and sometimes I anger easily, but I am a damn catch.
I compromised my happiness with the Georgia boy wherein I chose to allow it to be cool for us to go a full week without talking all for that one day of intimacy. I acknowledged he was leaving, but continued to spend time with him knowing the potential for a real relationship was nil all because I like cuddling and being intimate with him.
I am tired of not feeling like someone's number one. I deserve to be someone's number one, the one with whom they feel like they've won the lottery. I don't care if I have to go a year without intimacy, or five years, or ten. I don't deserve to have my time wasted by people who don't have my best interests in mind. The only real regret I can foresee about not being intimate with anyone for the next decade is that I will have let my sexual self languish while my body was in the nest shape of my life.
Fuck.
Life is fucked up.
I need a damn change of scenery.