unhappy
I use to care about how I’m gonna make everyone feel, or who I might piss off, and think about who toes I might step on, or what people might think. I really am so done... I try to make people happy, I try to not hurt anyone, and in the process I’m not happy and I hurt. And does anyone care about how they make me feel? Nope. So I found out today that if you go to Wal-Mart with someone you’re dating them. Damn blew me the fuck out the water. You know if I was fuckin someone or dating someone, is it anyone’s god damn biz? Don’t think so, but the problem is all this fuckin shit people think isn’t true. I would love to rub it and everyone’s face and not give a fuck, if the stories were true. Do ppl really have that much of no life they really need to pry into mine? Working at a strip club really is just like being back in high school. It’s like oh shit I’m gonna tell on you!! Rumors here and rumors there, Gossip gossip gossip, but I guess you put enough girls in one place that’s what gonna happen. I’m really just getting burnt out on it maybe... to many years of dealing with the stupid shit, and now having to deal with working with the baby daddy and dealing with his shit. And watching all that put right in my face. Ya most the time it doesn’t bother me, but sometimes rarely it does. And it just makes me think about how things went down. And through it all, and as much as I want to just let it go and not care anymore, things happened really fucked up, things are still really fucked up, and it’s hard to just get over something like that. And that I’m just so stuck with all this shit too. I don’t have many options, and I can’t get away. And it doesn’t help that I’m alone in it all. I fight with myself on a daily. I don’t let anyone close anymore, in fear of getting fucked or hurt. I don’t allow myself to feel anymore, and I lie to myself trying to convince myself shit. I block out how I really feel cause it makes things not hurt as much... and it helps to keep me from getting close to someone if I keep telling myself I don’t really like them as much as I do, less pain if I do it that way. And then even though i think about her constantly still, I tell myself I don’t want her anymore, I tell her, I don’t want her anymore, in hopes that if she does try to come back ill turn her down this time, cause I’m tired of the excuses and the pain that I know it brings. I’m so glad that lien to myself and saying it to her she finally told me that truth, she don’t want me like that anymore, and I needed to hear that. I’ve needed to hear that for a long time. It’s just now I don’t know what to fill that void they left me with... to stop feeling so lonely sometimes. I don’t wanna be with anyone, for a long time. And I don’t wanna really like someone, for a long time. I think I just need to find someone to do, and that’s all it is, someone to do. I don’t wanna go sleep around because we all know how safe that is. So I need to find just one person. I think I’m learning how to turn my feelings off, I’m pretty good at numbing myself most the time. Sept every once in awhile ill think a little too much and ill break down, but then I just tell myself to suck it up, and it usually works. I do have my friends... and the ones I have right now are wonderful, but they can’t take the lonely feeling away. I’m learning though, and fast. Soon I won’t need anyone, but me, to be ok. Maybe not be happy, but to be ok. I’m to much of a people person to be happy with just myself.
And I still love u, but u don’t have the effect on me like you use to. Or is that just one my lies to myself again... I’m not really sure yet.