but thank you bridget for teh music

[sexyalligator]

looking at people's past lives and old identities is both disconcerting and mildly upsetting. even if their old identities are acceptable; even if you may have even liked their old persona, if you had been given the chance to know them, there is always something upsetting about it. maybe you wonder if you know a lesser version. even if you're sure that you know a better version, it could be hard. maybe you feel jipped, not having gotten more time and gotten to know every personality during every phase. maybe you love them that much. or maybe neither applies. maybe it's just weird finding whole aspects of people who you think you know well that you just...have never even witnessed. maybe that in and of itself is enough to throw you for a loop. sometimes i wish that we could just start fresh when we want to. maybe when we find the right life--the right circumstances and the right friends and the right romantic interest, we can settle for that one and stop deleting and re-creating identities. but i wish that it didn't feel so dishonest to do so. for years, people have told me that i can re-invent myself and start over in college, but that always feels wrong. first of all, i like to thikn that i am true enough to myself that i do not need a new identity, because that new identity is bound to be a lie if this is honest and innate! and, ignoring that, there are people from this life who i desperately want to hang on to. jade and ryan, for example .they'd probably be sort of thrown if i decided to re-invent myself as a rebellious rockstar or a dangerous murderer. not taht i would, just....yeah. it would be nice if, when people finally find the ryans and jades of the world, however ,they could delete the past identities that they want gone. i guess that would be a mixed blessing, though. everyone needs a history. and what if people got carried away and deleted their entire past? whati f their entire past was bad enough to really be good for deleting? everyone needs to start somewhere. but oh. ohh how disconcerting it is.

in the meantime, i don't even know what the next phase in my life is gpoing to be. i shoudln't even be considering identity, i should be contemplating movement. living a life of stagnancy is very unappealing. i need to go somewhere next year, the question is where. while i wish someone could guide me in the right direction (but an uninvolved, unbiased someone [no offense to jade etc.} }, i feel like it would be upsetting and would throw me back a mile if someone tried to help me and tried to lead me to a school that isn't really instinctually the school that i'm leaning towards. i'm almost decidedly going to commit to UPS, but i keep having doubts and second-guessing myself. pav seems creepily intuitive and knowledgable. every day i am tempted to go look under her keyboard, where she has a guess as to what my future college may be, but i am scared taht she is going to have guessed lake forest and that i am going to have to wonder then if that is my destiny. but fuck, shouldn't i be in charge of my own destiny? or shouldn't i at least have some gut feeling, even if i am not in charge completely? puget sound came so easily. that feels like fate if ever i was to believe in fate. i got a month more time than is normally permitted for submitting wait-list essays, and, the day after i submitted a short, trite paragraph, i got accepted? and then, when i asked my teachers about going, two of three offered extensions on work. that seems like fate. so maybe this is the best gut feeling that i've got, and i should act on it.

oh confusion. oh, livejournal. ohhh confusionnn :[