(no subject)

[sexyalligator]

i realized today that life is going to have plenty of this. i remember talking to ms. wintermeyer in september, and she told me that she was watching all of her friends get married and have children, and that she was depressed because she wasn't necessarily lonely, but was alone and couldn't see that in her immediate future. it's not that this is my way of telling you that life is going to be one, large disappointment. really i just mean that, because there are these stages and people can't necessarily enter and exit them at the same time, there will be other phases when i'm alone. even if you're ahead of the game, you can be alone. imagine going to graduate school immediately after graduating, when everyone else you know is back at home going to barbeques and trying to figure out what their next move should be, even. it's not even that i'll be forever left behind so much as the solemn fact that i may not always be able to be in the same place/position as everyone i love. and it will hurt and i will feel isolated and excluded, and then i will find something and i will be happy. it will happen, i just need to give it time. i just wish that i could find something/someone meaningful enough to make it so that i can be alone and behind, for a wihle, but not lonely. i don't want to be lonely. i can even accept minor jealousy, so long as i still have someone in the box with me. and what scares me is that everyone is going to be far away and that maybe i'll have to tough this one out all on my own.

i just don't want to bide my time being lonely. please god, don't let that happen.