(no subject)
Lets jus say I couldnt handle the teachers, the work, most of the students. It was jus crazy. And with my depression, my mind jus I uno... I couldnt think straight (then again when do I ever 'think straight' lol.) Thinkin was a huge problem with me. And nuffin seemed to help. People say I didnt let things or anyone help me, buh I tried n' I tried n' I tried n' then got to a point were I jus quit. I didnt know what else to do. I was scared. And with everyone on my case bout alot of things from my past... n' people sayin shit bout me, the rumours that have been spread of me. People believing others n' not me. I couldnt take it no more. So I dropped out. It started out as me beggin my parents to let me drop outta this one class (buissness) n' then from there I started talkin to my parents a lil more bout things in my life n' then I completely dropped outta school.
I miss school, yea. Buh jus hangin around school bein with my friends who r still in school. It was awesome at lunch n' between periods jus hangin with my friends n' talkin (being crazy runnin around skippin class n' such... n' such...). I uno I guess I was just never ready for school in the first place. I dont think I'll ever be fully ready to go to school. Buh then I'd be pretty old still goin to school n' bein with the youngins.. lol. Not that I dont already hang with people younger then me, becuz I do (n' I love it, I fuckin love bein a kid n' hangin wit them younginz!!)
Aslo, it has to do with alot of other things that have happend in my life. Like, one summer I was in Edmonton. And I almost died. It was pretty scary buh then again the day b4 we left Thunder Bay to go to Edmonton, I wished that something would happen to me (becuz I was so depressed n' I jus didnt wanna live) And it did, sumthin ended up happenin.... I had a seizure at Klondike Dayz in Edmonton. I was so freaked out when I woke up in that ambulace. All I rememberd was standin in line for the tilt-a-whirl (wich is one of my fav rides) n' "lookin off in to space" n' then I woke up in an ambulance with all these people around me. I was pretty scared. I didnt know what was goin on. And when they told me what had happend I was like "wow.... I could have died." And that took alot outta me.
Also, the day that my grandfather died was also hard on me. I didnt know what to do. What to think. What to say. Nuffin. Then again I never see him or my grandma much to begin with, tho I've felt really close to them (n' remember soo much bout them n' jus visitin them up in Port Elgin n' such...) My grandma is still around n' shes the only grand parent I have left. My moms parents died along time ago when I was really younge n' I didnt know them well. And I went to visit my grandpa b4 he passed away, n' that took alot outta me.
Another thing is, when my dad got really sick (a looooooong time ago) bcuz the doctors took him off his anti depressants n' w/e else he takes....(he's bipolar) n' he like spazzed out practicly n' like ran off n' then once they found him they put him in the hospital n' that really scared me. I'm so scared of my dad now bcuz of what happend... So that also has an effect on it all.
Every little thing that happends in my life... I get frustrated n' scared n' start thinking to much bout it n' I start feeling bad about myself bcuz of it, wich I shouldnt do buh I do. I dont know y I do buh I do.
Theres alot of things that caused me to drop out.
And everything with all my ex bf's. Things were really crazy. The things that happend with them that caused them to break up with me were really hard on me too. Cuz of the way that I am I guess. I care about everyone I meet. All my friends. All my ex bf's. Even tho alot of people have done so much to me n' hurt me I still care for them.
I'm not a hater, n' never will be.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
And I guess I try to hard to get people to like me.
And yet I'm so shy n' sometimes I cant speak for myself. And that gets frustrating. Even when people ask me a simple question, I sometimes jus freeze up. I duno.
Some things seem alot easier for me to write out or type out. I worry way to much n' I care what others think bout me, I care what others say bout me. And it upsets me when someone talks bad about me or bitches at me bout sumthin. 'Bout anythin.....
I'm way to over emotional and I cant help it.
And theres even things that my bro did. All he ever did for a long time was be an asshole to me n' bug me bout everything n' jus piss me off n' frustrate me more n' more. And jus agravate me. Theres alot I remember my brother sayin that hurt me. And when I was younger my brother was really nice n' he used to babysit me n' we'd have fun. Like, I'd be happy around him. Buh I duno. Things happend I guess. I think once he met Diamond things gott hecktic. I hated Diamond. Ever since I layed eyes on her I knew there'd be trouble. Buh I didnt say anything.
My life has sooo much to do with everythin....
Buh now, things r starting to be alot better n' I mean alot better. I still think bout all that crap that I've went threw in the past n' when I think bout it I get all depressed n' wonder y things happen like they do. And theres a reason for everythin buh I dont know that reason. Tho I really wish I knew.
Buh ever since I met Kaya on vf my life started goin up again. Buh then I told my mom bout sum things n' she flipped out so that really got things to go down hill again. Buh my moms been thinkin bout things n' seems to be handling it better now. And once Kaya n' I started dating I started to become much happier again. Also, I started this online course thing for school. So at least I'll hopfully get my educaton. Sometimes I feel that I wont buh at least I'm tryin right?
And I really hope things stay the way they r now. I dont want to have to be so scared n' worry n' think so much like I have in the past.
Buh I cant wait till halloween!! Grrr... n' its jus around the corner. Ah I love halloween, its one of my fav holidays. Well my number 1 fav holiday that is. This year is gonna be better then lastyears, n' next year its gonna be better then this year. Lalala... Uhhuh.
Hmmm I think I need to go to bed earlier then I do. And alot of people tell me that too. Tho the thing is, even if I go to bed earlier I cant fall asleep. Its weird. And I can never wake up in the mornin. Well thats not all true. I only get up early if someone is over, wich is really weird. Buh meh... I guess if people want me up early I'd have to have a sleepover every night!! Hahaha..
Aah, buh my parents would never allow that. I dont think so anyways.... bcuz thats what always happens.
*Sings* Can't believe, All the lies that you told, Just to ease your own soul, But I'm bigger than that, No, you don't have my back, No, No, HA Hey, how long till the music drowns you out? Don't put words up in my mouth, I didn't steal your boyfriend, Hey, how long till you face what's goin' on, Cause you really got it wrong, I didn't steal your boyfriend *stops singin*
Buh aanyways, I think I should skidaddle... its like -what- 5AM!? bout that.... 5:32AM to be exact!! And I'm not even tired. Buh I will be later... well who knows cuz I can stay up fer almost 48 hours, I've done it b4. Buh I gotta help my mom move the basment around.
Whatever, night/mornin!
- Jams
♥ =) ♥ =) ♥ I love my baby angel tunz n' tunz n' tunz =) ♥