(no subject)

[sexy_fag_cookie]

Well, I am still living with her but the simple fact of the matter is that even though we are not together nothing much has changed, we act just the way we used to...stupid...actually the only thing that has really changed is the lack of sex...which is kind of upseting and the fact that I am no longer at her beck and call which is not very upsetting at all...God I hated all those 15 minute walks back and forth from fucking chinese just to get her egg drop soup, and now she can put cream cheese on both sides of the bagel herself...The funny thing is that she has a bad history with penis because of traumatic shit as a kid, but she needs to be with a man thats because she is searching for a husband...Her father has finally accepted that he is dying of cancer and living out the rest of his time with relatively little treatment, and she has been living her life for him...and believe me there is no convincing her to make herself happy, but the point is that she had a plan, a plan to do well in school, go to a good college and succeed and as she said to me yesterday, "No where in this plan is there room for a girl." She wants to give her father grandchildren before he dies...The only sad part about this is that I am perfectly fine with just being her best friend again because I love that girl, but my entire life I have always been very self concious of my gender and this just made me ten times more...It is sad that I feel this great sense of inadequacy again...I was actually starting to be okay with me but then this comes up again...now I am being haunted by my inner child saying over and over again "I told you so, I told you you werent meant to live and be this way." Ah well, maybe to complete this reliving of child hood fears I should just rent It and scream myself to death and to be mean I should give Summer Aracniphobia and trick her into thinking its something she will like like DRum Line

Also, I told her yesterday about the fact that I kissed Christina and now before we go to sleep at night, she says shit like "Don't get used to me being next to you because soon youll be next to C-H-R-I-S-T-I-N-A and youll have Freddy banging down your door for hallway love" after which she always gets into a fit of giggles...God shes weird